Captains Blog v4.0 "Sunday's Journeyman"

Tour Blog Special: Bournemouth 2010

2010-07-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas play
It's called "Roll a Square, Arthur! And Mind What You Say"
A Cricketing farce
With a thickening plot
Act one, scene one
Brenda Blethen gets shot

Half Man Half Biscuit "We Built This Village"

Act One
Scene One: Aston, Armageddon & Avis

Somewhere East of Portsmouth my Aston Martin V8 Roadster went all Apollo 13 on me. Master alarms, flashing dashboard, evil smells. The ABS warning light was on. As was the clutch over-heating sign. Then the tyre traction wouldn't work. Then, and best of all, a message appeared saying Time for a Service Mr Priest! Oh yes, and the car wouldn't go into reverse for some reason. Aston Martin's 24 hr recovery service to the rescue.....in the form of a sub-contractor called Keith and his low-loader. Head back East 20 miles to a dealership in Chichester. At least the locals were nice, cheering and waving as they saw my car being winched. Such support. Avis had promised 1) a courtesy car would be waiting for me and 2) it would be a car 'similar to a top of the range saloon'. The key word here is similar. No car was waiting for me. Two hours later Avis tipped up in a Peugeot 3008 hatchback. Just like the old TV ad, it took my breath away. For all the wrong reasons. On to Bournemouth - not having eaten anything since breakfast I arrived at 8pm some 9 hours since setting off. Tour 2010 was finally underway.

Act One
Scene Two: Friday Night, Saturday Morning

Alan the night porter at the hotel (who was starting his shift it was THAT late) said they were all in The Goat and Tricycle; A Real Ale Pub. God not again. And there they were, lying in wait. "Where's your Aston?" and "Get a proper car" and "You're shit" etc. I was starving and trying to hold back the flu symptoms that started the day before. Two pints of Wadworths 6X and off to The Indian Ocean: A Real Curry Place, for a Big Boys Balti. By midnight the group split into 2 - I went back to the hotel for some R&R. For the record Stuart was very pissed and kept mentioning Beef Curtains. These were not on the Indian menu. We looked after him. They other rablerousers did what they always did. Wander around. Went to a dodgy bar. Had a drink. Came home.

Right, where's my Night Nurse?

Act Two
Scene One: Beach Nuts

Angus Hellier? You flatter to deceive old boy. Up at 7am for a dip in the sea to shrug off hangover - top marks. Then.... going back to bed for some kip in the morning? See me afterwards please. The rest of us went to the shore for beach cricket and rounders, courtesy of a £4.99 bat 'n' ball set. Great fun. I played rather well I thought. I must try that reverse sweep in a proper game. We meet up with Will, Panther and Stevie who came down today and, off we go to Hinton Cricket Club..... which was tiny.

Well done Stuart for his 67 playing with a pulled hamstrung and with Slowman as his bitch/runner and to Paul for his first ever 6!. We got 224 in a timed game. Hinton were a great bunch - not unlike us in fact. We bowled well and, to make a game of it, took Jamie out of the attack for a while. They started to creep nearer and nearer our total. But the real drama was Panther (isn't it always?) who:

1) fielded for Hinton as a sub for 20 overs straight..and dropped a catch (well done sir!)
2) then went into bat for us and got a golden duck
3) bowled 2 overs of utter nonsense
4) took of his tour cap and threw it on the ground ala Oliver Hardy
5) kicked the sight screen
6) got a wicket (thanks to a great catch from Clint)
7) made what turned out to be a match saving catch to claim the 9th wicket

Phew! In the penultimate over with one wicket needed their skipper belted a bump ball catch to Jamie for a c&b appeal. He was well out of his crease. As he awaited the umpire's decision Jamie ran him out. He walked. We called him back. After that, their skipper refused to hit the winning runs. Such a gent. A great game. To the pub and more Aston jokes and a truly crap crisp eating competition between Clint and Will.

Act Two
Scene Two: I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar!

Angus Hellier, you old loveable fool. Like a £25 rocket on bonfire night he was bright and sparky in the pub downing the brandy's and port. Then, after the Italian meal, fizzled out, got lost and wandered home like a lost puppy dog. Tourist of the year was there for him to grab with both mits. But he muffed it. Just like the catch he dropped off my bowling :)

It's past midnight and we're in a gay pub. Tellingly, Slowman is the first to notice this. "What? Fudgepackers?" exclaimed The Chair. I dared Slowman for a dance and he obliged. Paul has the photos to prove it.

Back to the hotel bar. Just like the late night discussion programme on Channel Four "After Dark" we sat around and talked bollocks. Well, I did anyway. Subjects ranged from John Stuart Mill, Women and Gender in Society, Marital Relations and "Who Would Win in an All Blokes Cook-Off". In mitigation, the nurofen and brandy had kicked in. I retired at 3am.

Act Three
Scene One: Groundhog Day

We all look tired. We give the beach a swerve this morning. Will and Panther head home and give limping Stuart a lift. None of us feel up for a game of cricket. But off we go to Portsmouth, taking in the Gosport Ferry and stopping for Chips and Drinks before facing the deliciously titled "Department of Education Cavaliers" on a municipal pitch. We were expecting a load of old gents. But half the side were in their teens. And more than one wore T-Shirts pronouncing Hampshire Youth Development Side. Hmm. We batted and got 226 I think. Well played Clint for his half century, Bomber for 48 and Paul Lucas for 23. They got off to a flier, accompanied by the heavy metal amateur wrestling taking place over an adjacent fence. Absolutely Surreal. Angus Helleir - you are a star. Fab bowling. I cried my eyes out at deep mid on. Slowam was skipper for the day and put me on. 3 for 40 off 8 overs was pretty passable I thought. But they got the runs with 3 overs to spare. Another great team. By now I had serious Man Flu. And a hurty knee.

Act Three
Scene Two: Home & Awards

Knackered I drive back to the coast in my Avis Special, arriving just after 11.I was ill, very ill. But happy. It had been a great tour. A vintage in fact. Not the young bubbly affair of 2 years ago or the sour unripe vintage of last year (that Oakey would use in his cooking) but a real vintage.

Awards:

1) Tourist of 2010. Panther. Nominated by Angus and wholeheartedly supported by the rest of us. For his antics in the Hinton game. Panther - you're the man. Your prize is the bat we used in beach cricket, signed by everyone with you as the first proper winner. I shall present it to you when I see you next. We'll pass that baton on next year....assuming you don't win it again!

2) Batting: Well done Stuart for his 67 played with a pulled muscle and bloodied brow. We salute you

3) Bowling: Preacher: A sly look at the score book shows 4-58 in 12 overs across the tour. I think Jamie got 3 (could be wrong) but anyways well done me. Ha!

4) Fielding: Slowman for lots of catches (4 I think)

5) Champagne Moment: Paul's top edge 6 against Hinton (and his dancing celebration)

6) Political incorrectness: Stuart "Fudgepacker" Hepburn

Final Scene: Prologue

Aston being delivered back on Thursday, thanks for asking. New ABS system. Under warranty so ya boo. Avis to collect hire car from home. Aston to be delivered to office. Flu gradually subsiding. Thanks to Angus and Clint for arranging a GREAT tour and for arranging matching tour headwear for us all.

Finally, to end once and for all the gender discussion we had on Saturday night:

She's the boss at home
And when she treats me like a lacky
I put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki!

(The Biscuit)

See you all very soon.

Preacher x

"Croc and Ball Story" ***

2010-04-27T05:37:00.000-07:00

Dunmow 2nds, at The Park, match drawn

* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees

Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).

Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.

It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.

T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.

We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.

Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.

Champers Moment: Ha!

Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.

Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.

So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.

First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.

Till next time.

Nipples

Here Comes the Summer

2010-04-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

If this blog entry had been composed 2-3 years ago I'd be sharing with you all about my pre-season fitness training, weight loss and fine-tune coaching lessons at Essex CC and dragging you all out on the two Sundays after Easter to practise. But this season has crept up on me and I find myself selected for Saturday's opener at home (1.30pm start) against Dunmow (groan). How life has changed.

Here is a potted history from J A Priest from the last blog entry till now.

1. Put business on the market (again)
2. Bought a cliff top hideaway in Kent
3. Had my gall bladder removed (keyhole - piece of piss)
4. Became monogamous again
5. Learnt to cook (seriously)
6. Stopped thinking about cricket

I'm adopting a different tack this year. Rather than agonise over technique etc I'm just going to play and enjoy it. You learn to appreciate things when you have had a bit of a break and without the worry of captaincy or finding players etc I can enjoy my status as 'journeyman'. That is the plan. And this will be one of very few outings for the Sat XI (Jo is away this weekend). Most of the time - if Andy picks me - you will find the lesser spotted preacher on a Sunday, probably idling at deep mid wicket waiting for the skipper to give him a couple of overs just to shut hime up.

I am looking forward to it.

I have a plea. My black and green super-sized cricket bag has gone from the home changing room, which is where I left it pre-tour. Please can it be returned. Full amnesty I promise. I have some spare kit at my London flat but it's all over the place and I'd like to play in my first choice trousers.

James or Charlie, may I please have my Newbery back in time for Sat (via Angus if need be). Will be lost without it. Or with it. I trust it has some nice cherries on it now - thanks.

Glad to see Ali is playing this Saturday -assuming he can fly back from Prague in time (ha ha). I shall enjoy our discussions in the field about whether XTC were better after Terry Chambers left or before. And who else? Steve Oakey, Brucie (excellent - slow bowlers union), Client, Angus and maybe Bomber. It shall be like old times. It shall be like when I first played. A mere slip of a 43 year old. I also think Panther might be playing....or not.... all depends oh STOP IT Jon!).

Well done Angus for laying the patio outside the pavilion (finally....) and for clearing the crap around the big oak tree at 'The Preacher End'. Thanks matey.

Looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. Angus, I think I fancy bowling from said end, probably after lunch. Number 8 in the order suits me fine.

With love, friendship and respect.

The boy is back.

Preacher xxx

Final Tour of Duty**

2009-07-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

* Sexy Seal
**Funky Fish
***Wacky Whale
****Cocky Cod
*****Mental Monkfish

So there we were in the New Madeira Hotel, just up from Brighton Pier staggering out of The Funky Fish, the hotel's in-residence Soul 'n' Motown nightclub, trying to avoid John, the over-zealous lisp-on-speed night porter. All of life's wonders are in Brighton alright. The whole town is an end-of-the pier menagerie, from the gay bondage boutiques to dainty tea shops, nightclubs, bars and pubs. Fewer bars, more car parks I thought as I reved up Marine Parade. Yaxford it aint ("Yaxford!"). I parked in Morrisons car park overnight. I like to live dangerously.

On Friday we went to the pub, then the gastro pub, then more pubs looking like pub-going tourists (and with Chas trying to look over 18):

Barman: "When's your birthday?"

Chas: "Err, 20th August n-i-n-e-t-e-e-e-n-i-n-e-t-y-err

Barman: "No it's not"

That's what happen when you're 6 foot 5 inches with a baby face wearing a bright red cricket top. Not exactly innocuous. An he was too tall for the fun fair rides....

We had an enjoyable evening tying to get Slowman to wear a dog's collar and lead and be walked about as our personal gimp the following evening as a way of forfeiting the tour money he owes. But he said he'd been there and done that alreday. We weren't suprised.

Saturday and after a brief stroll around the pier and wathcing the 2nd Test off we drove to Amberley for a pre-match pub lunch. Cue strangest tour experience award, as a bunch of rugger buggers on a cycling holiday (eh?) one dressed as a white rabbit watched on as one of their horde stood on a chair and gave a full rendition of the William of Orange speech (with a Roman Catholic Primary School across the way). Really quite disorientating. I bet they come from Brighton.

Amberley were okay as a team I suppose. A bit devoid of humour, the outfield was a meadow and the pitch as soggy as the sandwiches we had for tea. I won the toss, inserted and they got 130 odd all out. Highlight was their number 6 bat hitting Jamie for 6 and crashing the ball into a neighbours (newly built) conservatory. Well done The Chair for his hat-trick.

With 4 overs to go I suddenly decided I no longer belonged here. It was raining on and off. It was gusting. I hadn't bowled well. And the constant piss-taking from The Juvenillia was becoming a distraction. When I checked my mobile at tea with news that I had to get back to London it was like divine intervention, it really was. I made my excuses and left. Ali tells me the game was easily won.

Now this is pure guesswork (as I wasn't there on Saturday night) but I bet it when something like this:

Back to the hotel.
Quick change.
Something to eat (a curry?).
Mini-pub crawl (probably re-visiting the Hand in Hand that was frequented on Friday).
Back to The Funky Fish.
Then late drinking in the hotel bar in to the early hours with Ali going AWOL and Johnny Slowman receiving with great pride the baton as tourist most able to provide the comic relief. And some fake tattoos perhaps.
And on-one got laid.

I hear we won the Sunday match with ease, so jolly well done one and all.

And with the tour hardly at and end already it has been decided that Eastbourne is the destination for next year. Excellent. I shall save this blog and re-post in 12 months time. All the events will probably be exactly the same.

So, it's the Ex-Captain's Blog from now on, having resigned the captaincy (and my Secretarial duties) to The Chairman today. You can't skipper on an occasional basis, with low credibility and (apparently) even lower ability. I know such things to be true. But I shall be available for the odd game in a Panther-esq kinda way. You know, if your short, just give me a call, if your short....

Over and out.

Nipples

Alex's All Stars (Home) won by 2 wickets*****

2009-06-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

* Pittmans Secretarial College
** Middlesex poly (as was)
*** Leeds uni
**** Durham uni
***** LSE

Another day, another trade press interview. Broadcast Magazine (who?) did a profile piece thingy on mentors and wanted to know who mine was. John Clemens, my old boss back in the day was the lucky winner. Twas John who coined the phrase "Experience and cunning will always beat youth and enthusiasm". And he's right. Just ask Alex, Verity's other half and the captain of our opponents on Saturday.

So they were hung-over. Boo-hoo. And in the middle of A Levels. Boo-hoo again. They had 4/5 top drawer club players plus one or two who had never played before (bit like us then). But they batted first. And lost. All out for 170 in 27 overs with their last 7 wickets falling in a 7 over spell starting just before drinks. Canfield got the runs with 9 over sand 2 wickets in hand.

So how did we do this? (Andy Silkstone are you reading this?). Well I shall tell you. WE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Of their 9 wickets to fall (they only had 10 players, as did we) 6 went to the slow bowling brigade of moi, Harry and JW (sorry JW but your pace aint what it was). And Charles got 2 WHEN HE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Bang it in quick and short to orthodox club players and see what happens. And Mitch and Steve bowled well as a matter of fact but still inevitably leaked runs to an experienced attack. But a slow ball, on a length, wicket-to-wicket? Ahem. I know what I'm doing, part 76...

And we batted well. Steve got 46 and played patiently hitting the bad ball, leaving the good ball. So did Trevor. And Angus can always smack a wayward bowler at 2nd change which is why he now comes in at 4 or 5 in the order. Chas chipped in with 20-odd following his 75 no on Friday in the 20 Twenty game against Dunmow. It wsa left to POB and Harry to see us home, Patrick staring on his 64th birthday and Harry smacking the winning boundary. Alex came off genuinely puzzled. Boy, you lot have missed me.

And I had an okay game. Two wickets (including getting Toby, Verity's ex - why does she always date cricketers? - for a golden) and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd time this season. Everyone said they were pleased to see me back. Sort of. A bit of fun in the field, some banter and encouragement goes a long way and EVERYONE got a game.

MoM: JW - ever willing, opened the bowling, 2 wickets to get rid of their openers - well done
Champagne moment - POB batting away on his 64th birthday

Well done Verity for the tea (even if it was a bit of a rush when we all came in ahead of schedule) and well done Alex's team mates who were great sports, great fun, mature and immensely likeable... for teenagers anyway. Let's make it a regular fixture. Some of them even put their names down for cricket week - good all round.

I have missed playing on Saturdays. It was a good laugh. An so much more fun than being stranded on the cover boundary watching a 267 run lead disappear in 30-odd overs wondering why no-one is, you guessed it, taking the pace off the ball.

See you on tour.

Easy now...

Nipples

Sunday Bloody (Cold) Sunday

2009-05-21T03:13:00.000-07:00

Great Chesterford (home) lost**

* -273 Kelvin
** 9 below zero
*** Freezing
**** Bit nippy
*****Here comes the sun

It was that cold. Alternating between third man and mid on, freezing my nuts off, is no fun at all. Things had better start improving if I'm going to continue to make cameo performances for the Sun XI that's all I can say. Nine men (two cried off - and no Panther was not one of them) versus nine didn't exactly help matters, nor the fact this was an 'away' game but played at home, which meant Gt Chesterford bought the teas with them and it was a win/lose format. Most disorientating all round.

It's an interesting experience being skippered rather than being at the helm myself. Time definitely went more slowly in the field and I saw lots of things I'd personally have tweaked but Andy is Captain and anyway, he wouldn't have been able to hear me from third man, not in that gale. I felt like JW must feel most Saturdays....

We fielded. They made 225 or thereabouts for the loss of 6 wickets. Well played The Chair for his 3-for (ideal bowling conditions for him), Clint for his 2 wickets with me getting the dangerous Waz out for a duck thanks to Jamie's catch at moo corner. But their opener got a century although I could have snared him twice in my first over. I bowled okay (bit expensive in my final over) but at least I was feeling a bit warmer moving about a bit (which was more than the ball was doing).

Their opening bowlers pinned us back after tea and we were behind the rate when the wickets inevitably began to fall. It was only when I'd been in for a few overs that Stuart told me it was a win/lose game and to get a move on. Cue swing across the line to their off spinner. Cue early departure. I'd have fancied batting out for a draw as well.

So we lost by 60 odd runs but it was closer than it looks if we take their opener out of the equation. You know me - ever the optimist.

Man of the Match: Jamie - for holding 4 catches
Mug of the Match: Dave, their miserable off spinner who only smiled once the whole game (first time in 5 years I think) and then gave his wicket away. Ha-ha
Champagne moment: Any one of Jamie's catches - the one handed slip catch was my personal fav

And that was that. Andy - sorry I dashed off but had to do the kids tea. I owe you £6 match fee.

Dunno what it is about Sunday games tho - no disrespect to any of my team mates but the games do seem a bit, well 'flat' I suppose. A real gloomy Sunday feel sometimes. Every Day is Like Sunday so Morriesy reckoned. He might have been on to something. We need more banter, more fun and a few ex-players back. And warmer weather.

I'm off on a mini-break canal boating this weekend. And yes, the weather forecast is for it to be well below the seasonal av. temperature. I will think of ways to keep warm somehow...

See you in a fortnight.

Nipples

S.T.A.R.T (home) - Match Won*****

2009-05-12T02:02:00.000-07:00

* Ineistas' 94th min strike
** Drogba TV sweary rant
*** Ballacks to the lot of you
**** Essien wonder goal
***** 4-1 at the Arsenal helps ease the pain

"Drop back for this bat" isn't something I ever thought I'd hear whilst yours truly was at the crease but it happened on Saturday after I'd hit Will Beagles, S.T.A.R.T.s skipper, for a huge six over long on and having crushed an off drive for 4 from the previous ball. Easy game batting when you get the hang of it. And there's another 3 runs glanced down to fine leg... 20-odd runs from 13 balls going in to bat with 3 and a bit overs to go? Most reasonable...

Twa's sunny and calm on Saturday as we welcomed the remants of Stapleford Tawney And Red Triangle (work out the acronym for yourselves) to The Park, skippered as ever by the genial Will Beagles. I won the toss and handed back the decision to bat or bowl to Will. Such a sporting chap am I. But Will is equally sporting and insisted we bat first on a good wicket. So we did. And made 242 in 40 overs and EVERYONE got runs; Gaz (who hasn't played for Canfield for 10 years and was visiting from France) guested and got 43 as an opener, ably assited by Ali with 32. Gus went in at 3 and got 43. Then Lee, one of three youngsters playing, got into double fugures, followed by Harry and Patrick all making a solid contribution. It was nice to see. Their opener was a bit lively but after that, we got quick runs and, at 6 an over, batting 2nd was always going to be tough.

Post tea JW and Paul opened the bowling and did very well with Paul clean bowling one of the openers (bowling from the right end Angus - take heed) and then JW getting the mightily dangerous Del out for a duck, caught at point by Harry. Then on came the Skipper with a first ball wicket (sorry Tim for playing on - but he did get me out last year with a ball that bounced about 4 times I seem to recall), then a 2nd ball wicket with Will skying one to Ali at mid off who took a ballet-like one handed catch. Both their main batters out for ducks. And the skipper's on a hat-trick, which he then fluffed by bowling a horrendous wide. Finished with 4-25 though, and with young Alfie bowling very well for his 3 wickets, we skittled them out for 90-odd. Sounds an easy win, but if Del and Will had got in, it would have been a diferent story.

And well done young Willie Beagles for making his debut, playing with a stright bat, and surviving 20 balls more than his Dad. Well played youngster.

Man of the Match: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER elected myself for this? But I did get some runs, and a six, and changed the bowling at a crucial time, and got a 4-fer, and was on a hat-trick and and (oh alright then Nipples - just don't go on about it).

Champagne Moment: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER.... that 6 was worth it. Or for bowling Will for a golden duck! Take your pic chaps.

Mug of the Match: Panther - that's you mate and don't get cross. Playing for S.T.A.R.T he dropped Angus, missed running out Ali and was bowled by Alfie (aged 7). And there we were thinking he wasn't going to play again this season. Unless we're short. Just call me okay. If you're short....

Thanks to The Lucas Clan for, as ever, a great tea (but lose a point for no scones). Just sayin.

Right, I'm back in a month or so for the Sat XI but will be turning out for Andy Silksone's Sun XI in between. From what I hear he needs a bowling all rounder. God I am so heading for a fall.

With the disappointment of Chelsea failing to progress to Rome in the Champions League final, I shall bask in the quiet knowledge that actually, sort of, I played, err, okay really. And enjoyed it. Well done to one and all. See you in June. Unless you are playing on Sunday when I shall see you next week.

High Easter (home) - Match Drawn**

2009-04-21T03:33:00.001-07:00

* Easter bunnies
** Easter egg-heads
*** Easter island
**** Easter parade
***** Crucifiction

My blackberry has a tetrus-type game on it that is fiendishly difficult (dunno what its called). Anyway, to get 100,000 pts or more takes about half an hour of serious work-distracting concentration. Me, being me, decided that 100,000 pts in this game = 100 runs in cricket, so I always try and get my century and then kick on. I thought this would be good mental preperation for Saturday's game. One golden duck later (leading edge to their off spinner) I was wrong. At least said tetrus-type game doesn't have an equivalent test for a dropped catch off my own bowling...

Getting a team together had been a bit of an arse ache what with so many absentees and this being the last weekend of the Easter hols. No Andy D, Mike, Angus, Jamie, Bretty, Panther, Bomber, etc so thanks to BGB for drafting in two of his mates, one of which George, scored 48. And I had to drive all the way up from Saarf London to get to the game. But the sun was shining and Jamie has prepared the square beautifully. So here we go....

Somewhat worryingly, by 1.30 a few of the High Easter players had alreday arrived. Their skipper told me this was a new team and they were entering the league this season. In a spirit of start of term bonhomie I won the toss and surrendered the decision to the visitors, what with it being a friendly and all. They chose to bat. Funny that.

They got 270-2 (yes, for 2). Steve Oakey struck early, followed by Ali but their number 4 bat (wearing a Chelmsford Cricket Club cap) scored a century and then retired. Then their number 3 bat retired at 50. Karma for givng them the toss perhaps? We bowled okay but the team dropped 5 catches between us. Bit rusty in the field. I dropped a high chance to my left off my own bowling. Again. Well done Clint for agreeing to keep wicket. And young Ned bowled his 3 overs exceptionally well.

We managed 190-odd for 8 and the match was drwan, thanks to George (48) and man-of-the-match Clint (77). Ali scored less than 2, BGB got a golden and so did I. And that was that.

High Easter? Nice bunch. Good cricketers who played in a great spirit. We wish them well for their maiden league season and they are welcome back anytime.

Man-of-the-Match: Clint
Mug-of-the-match: Guess who?
Champagne moment: Ned's direct hit on the stumps from mid wicket
Most politically incorrect comment: "That darkie's action is a bit suspect" (anon)

Thanks to The Williams Family for a very up-to-snuff tea and to Bruie, Ali and Paul for turning up early to help sort out the site screen, etc.

The game was a bit flat. There was not much banter. Maybe this game came a bit too early for us? But honestly, I looked mustered in the nets a couple of weeks ago (or looked like mustard if your prefer). I bowled okay tho. Sort of. Jez-us. I drove back south of the river. It was past 10 when I got to where I needed to get to. Too late...

Right, I'm back in 2 weeks when I will be skippering the Stapleford Tawney fixture (my favourite game of the season). Angus is in charge next week for the Dunmow match WHICH IS NOW A HOME GAME. Play well. I will be on my blackberry.

Have a good week.

Nipples.

Bertha

2009-03-18T07:13:00.000-07:00

Confident? Fit? Keen to get started? Me neither but here we are and off we go...

Our first game is scheduled for Saturday, 18th April at The Park against High Easter and is a 2pm start. High Easter are a new fixture for Canfield and we welcome them with open arms. Sort of. Despite being 'a league side' who consider us a 'warm up' to their season, my county spies tell me we have nothing to worry about. Supposedly.

Anyway, two weeks prior to this there will be a pre-season 'net' to be held at the ground on Sunday 5th April from 3-5pm. Jamie is cutting a practise strip on the square and Angus will bring up 'Bertha' which is the name The Blog has christened our brand new bowling machine. Do please try and make it - it should be hilariousThe following Sunday is Easter Sunday and some of you may not be available for a second net, but if there is enough interest we shall schedule a second practise on that day as well.

The Blog also wants those who pop up to practise on either day to help give the Halls Pavilion a bit of a Spring clean and help tidy the ground etc. Any help will be greatly appreciated by the club.

I need to get the team together for the High Easter match so if you want to play let me know. John W, Paul and myself have confirmed thus far. And I also need a tea volunteer if any of you fancy it.

And I sincerely hope you have kept up your core fitness levels. Persoanlly, I have been running around Tooting Common most Saturdays and Canfield on Sundays and Mondays and have also got my flat in London fitted out with a new multi-gym. One must lead by example. And yes, I have also had my eyes tested all in preperation for the coming season. I shall be most diss-chuffed if you all report back carrying excess timber and I tell you now I will be bringing the bathroom scales to check on team members BFI. But don't let that put you off (Bretty, Ali, Stuart, etc)

So, this Sunday 3-5pm at the ground. Please try and make it.

Here we go again......

Nipples

Deep Mid Winter

2009-01-07T05:18:00.000-08:00

Ernest Hemingway famously wrote a story in six words; "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn". In homage here is an equally pithy mid winter blog update designed to get the juices flowing in anticipation of the game we love and to help dispel the January blues/general economic gloom.

Club News

We have ordered a bowling machine. Excellent...... it will be available for nets on Sun 12th and Sun 19th April. Such fun. And the time it will take for one of us to crank it up to 92 mph 'just to see what it's like?' Less than 60 seconds. And then to 'fire it at stuff/Panther/me/Hepburn's house?' 5 mins. Then to 'fire it in the air to see how far it can go?' Only a matter of time. You have been warned.

AGM

This will be held at The Dukes Head, Broad Oak, on Monday 9th February at 8pm. Try and make it.

Cricket Tour

Clint is sorting out the details. It will take place in Brighton (good for gays so Johnny Slowman will be up for it) the weekend after Cricket Week following the same format as last year; travel on the Fri, get bladered, play Sat, get bladered, play Sun, visit Ali in A&E, etc... I will keep you posted on the details as they unfold

Captain Personal

I am alive and well thanks for asking and living in my London flat (Tue-Wed), my significant other's London flat (Thu-Sat) and Great Canfield (Sun-Mon). The eagle-eyed amongst you will see Saturday is now a 'girlfriend day'..... (and yes just the one now thank you). I shall be playing a lot less this season and have agreed with Angus to share Captain's duties. I tried to resign but was talked out of it (seriously). Such are my priorities at this time. I will continue to blog during the summer. Try and remember what I have taught you.

Wishing you a very happy 2009. Now back to work you dogs.

Nipples

"Footprints"

2008-09-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

I spent too much money, looked far too glad
Now I have so little of what I once had
Now the summer is over I can count the cost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost

Did so much damage deep inside
The party's over it's going home time
The cathedral is empty, no one's at home
Winter approaching, paradise postponed

Now the summer is over I can count the cost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost
The rain won't stop falling and the people look lost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost

Rang lots of numbers and walked many miles
I watched the Flintstones and tuned my dial
To a brand new station where the beat comes in
Now its all over
Winter begins

(Difford/Tilbrook from the album Baylon And On)

Thanks everyone for a great season. See some of you around and about. See a few of you at the AGM in February. The rest I shall see in the 2nd week of April 2009 for pre-season nets. I have some personal stuff to sort out but will be back next season I promise. So will Captains Blog v3.0 "The Wonder Years".

On behalf of all of GCCC congratulations to Jamie and Claire on the birth of their first baby son, Alfie. A high note upon which to end the season indeed.

Don't forget what I've taught you (and try and keep the weight off).

With love, friendship and respect.

JP

Return of the Pink Panther

2008-09-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

Never a fan actually. Of the TV programme I mean. Wedged somewhere in the BBC's tea-time Bermuda Triangle of a schedule after Final Score but before the News it was vexing at best. Why was the kid in the opening credits in his pyjamas? And how come he was allowed to drive that car at his age IN his pyjamas? The animation was all 60s inspired Parisian backgrounds on a budget with that short-arsed police detective and his shout-y commissioner. And then they added Crazy Legged Crane to the mix! And the pink chocolate bars you could get of the same name were inedible, even to a 12 year old with a sugar craving as dangerous as a Raleigh chopper. I much prefered Banana Splits, or HR Puffandstuff or Fingerbobs. Happy days

Our Panther, well now you're talking. It won't come as too much of a surprise to hear that there was some toing-and-a-froing between stand-in Skip Angus and Panther concerning his potential availability (or not) for Saturday's return match against North Weald Basset (aka The Team With The Girl). You know the sort of thing by now: "Yes, I can play, opps no not sure, wife's 40th to organise, I'll let you know, if you're short just say, I have to iron my socks mind, might be late, etc, etc"

In the end he played and, batting at number 3, scored a maiden half-century (58) which was utterly brilliant and we were, as a team united in being absolutely delighted for him. Oh there was the odd play and miss, the hilarious dropped catch and (fabulous this) starting to walk off the pitch when he got his 50! (No Panther - you can't declare, back you go, there's a good chap...). For me it was the unbridled highlight of the season. A player who is popular with his team mates who lacks a bit of confidence at the crease had the time to face his demons and over come them on, it should be stressed, a seaming and unpredictable pitch against their best bowlers. Well played Panther. You really are in the pink. Okay, so we'll hear about it forever but so what, he deserves to tell his tale and we deserve to listen. Great effort. Just don't milk it (yeah - like I wouldn't).

And that was that really. They turned up (minus The Girl), won the toss, inserted on a drying pitch, and skittled us out for 118 in 36 overs. They knocked off the required runs in less than 20 overs with their strikingly original nick-named number 5 bat "Snakey" walloping us all over the place. And he was dropped on 6 as well..... Never mind. Well played them. I think as a team we were all suffering from end of season cant-be-arsed-ness. Or some suchlike. Wello done Charlie (BGB) for taking all 3 wickets we managed.

This was our chance to win 8 games in the season but alas, it was not to be. I was away in Monaco when the Eastons game was called off (have you seen the £ to Euro exchange rate recently? I have, upfront and personal. One euro doesn't go very far these days and is, frankly, disabled and unable to move in the Principality that is Monaco). Still, 7 wins equals last year so last year was no fluke, right? I know what I'm doing. And yes Ali - I don know how to set a field thank you. Cheeky sod.

Man of the Match: Panther
Mug of the Match: Nipples for not seeing the ball as it whizzed past him at chest height on the boundary (I have booked a session at SpecSavers - really I have)
Champagne Moment: Panther starting to walk off the pitch....

There will be one more blog entry after this one detailing the Sat XIs thrashing of the Sun XI next weekend in the end of season 20twenty thrash-a-thon. But as is customary I am taking the opportunity afforded me by the blog to announce the Skippers unofficial awards for 2008 a week beforehand.

Unofficial 'awards' from Captain Nipples:

Most improved player: Charlie Potter (Big Girl's Blouse)

Clubman of the year: Paul Lucas

Best Nickname: Captain Nipples

Best injury (on-field): Paul Lucas for nose job (against Weathersfield)

Best injury (off field): Ali Ross for head banging (against table in room)

Tourist of the year: Johnny Slowan (who STILL has not paid his share of the tour)

Joey Deaken catching award: Captain Nipples

Most Valuable Player: Jamie Halls

Most Interesting/Complex Personal Life: Captain Nipples

Most Improved Bat: Steve Oakey (Angus comes a close second)

Most Improved Bowling: Charlie Potter

Most Improved Fielding: Panther

Best tea: Paul & Lynda Lucas

Comedy moment: Nipples running away from catch v Southwold on tour

Best squabble: Hainault at home ("Frankly, that's despicable" Mike Emery)

Best match: Eastons away

Memorable moment: Panthers maiden 50

Next Saturday is the big one. It has been mooted in the past that some club members think it's not in the spirit of the club to have a Sat v Sun match as we are all one big happy family. Not me. I fancy our chances actually. Andy Silkstone? Getting past it if you ask me (and has dodgy ankle), Mike Silkstone? needs a haircut. Will Parker? can't play spin. Err, is there anyone else I can annoy or wind up? Probably. I am so up for it. Hepburn? no form you see. The chance of bowling spin to the Sunday side is soooo delicious. And then a curry and a drink up in the pavilion and then over to Panther's wife's 40th birthday bash at High Trees. He did invite us....

So now you've met the Pink Panther (Pink Panther)
And its as plain as your nose
That he's the one and only truly original
Panther pink from head to toes

See, even the song at the end of the programme is utter shite.

Committee meeting at 12.30 Sat. Then a 2.30 start for the final, final game of the season. It goes without saying I have started my pre-season training all ready.

Well done Panther.

Capt. Nipples

The Fall*

2008-08-26T01:46:00.000-07:00

* Theme from Sparta FC #2
** Totally Wired
*** How I wrote Elastic Man
**** Firey Jack
***** Ghost in my House

Insomnia continues so have been trying a new tack. Question: who would be my top 9 (10 including me) guests at my dream diner party? Am allowed anyone from history alive or dead but no-one fictional or mythological (like the devil or Jesus, etc) or characters from films or books (so no Homer Simpson). Got to have the right blend - most important. This was meant to send me to sleep but I ended up getting a pad and pen and actually writing down the names. After numerous drafts I finally settled with:

Karl Popper
Groucho Marx
Joe Strummer
Ali Ross (to serve the wine)
Fidel Castro
Peter Osgood
Mark E Smith
Derek Underwood
Anne Frank
Me

Okay so there is only one woman/girl but I reckon she could hold her own. Joe and Mark would end up fighting and Groucho would have to break it up. Karl would listen and (as a philosopher who fine-tuned Logical Positivism for western minds) would probably end up getting wankered. Fidel and Groucho would do a comedy routine. Ossie and Underwood would swap stories of sporting endeavour with me and Ali trying to chip in and Anne and Ali would end up snogging. Perfect. Until I change my mind on my final 10 again (loads in reserve: like Issac Newton - a right bastard by all accounts, De-Vinci, my parents, etc)

My favourite guest would be Mark E Smith from the Fall; the band that the great John Peel (another reserve) said should be used as a yardstick for all other bands. I have been reading Mark's (excellent) autobiography at night, as yet another aid to insomnia, and it is a cracking read. He IS bonkers. No doubt about it. So I checked out The Fall selection on my ipod. Did you know that "Theme from Sparta FC #2" is used as the soundtrack to the BBC's Final Score at Saturday tea time? Mark was invited to read out the scores in place of James Alexander Gordon last year and did it completely sober - which was a first. So this was my song of choice as I drove to the ground ahead of the Sampfords game on Saturday:

Come on I will show you how I will change/
When you give me something to slaughter/
Shepherd boy (hey)/
Everybody sing (hey)/
Better act quick (hey)/

Be my toy/
Come on have a bet/
We live on blood/
We are Sparta FC

The song is actually about English footie fans getting a right kicking abroad (something the BBC failed to notice). I thought Canfield would be doing the kicking on Saturday but oh no; the kicking boot was well on the other foot. We were the something to slaughter alright. I won the toss and inserted (on Bretty's advice) and we bowled pretty well with Brucie (welcome back again) taking 3 wickets bowling loopy off spin. I bowled leg spin from the other end and got 2 wickets with Paul getting 3 for the 2nd match running and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd match running. But they got 267 which was a tough ask.

We were down on a few regulars - no Ali, Mike, Steve Oakey etc but Bomber was playing and so was Andy D and Jamie of course. We just about made it past the drink interval scoring 90-odd and a defeat by 180-odd runs. The Rayner boys did their best and so did 10 year old Tom Pearson but we were slaughtered and our winning run has come to an end in fine Canfield style.

Man of Match: Jo - for her excellent tea
Champagne moment: me for winning the toss
Mug of the match: us lot for turning up

There were some highlights: their no. 3 bat getting out on 98 off a no-ball was funny (well caught Jamie) and their 'keeper getting a duck (caught by one of their sub fielders as well) for the 5th game in a row without scoring was a bit funny. And Paul bowled well. But with the team we had the top order had to bat well and that never happened. And us bowlers were a tad expensive at the death (they put on 60 in the last 8 overs). Never mind.

Three more games to go. East Haningfield (a) next week, Eastons (h) - when I will be in Monaco - and finally North Weald Basset (h). The Saturday after the last game, on the 20th there is a Sat v Sun XI 20: twenty thrash-a-bout with a curry to follow in the clubhouse. A good way to end the season.

Anyway. I have some work to do, And, if you are reading this at your desk, so do you.

Till next week

We have to pay for everything/
But some things are for free/
We live on blood/
We are Sampfords CC/

Oh belt up Mark and pass the butter.

Laters

Nipples

Girls Allowed?****

2008-08-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

* Primark
** TK Max
*** Urban Outfitters
**** Top Shop
***** New Look

I seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time recently sharing intricate details of my private life with all and sundry at GCCC and not, I might add, at my bequest. So I'm imposing an immediate moratorium on the subject that is, Capt Nipples' Private Life. But as a parting shot, did you know I'm a dreadful insomniac? Of yes, my other non-bat & ball mates know this well. Famous for it. And over the years I have come up with numerous ways of drooping off in the wee small hours, including the shots I play in my imagination to bring me my maiden century. I usually fall asleep in the mid 30s (even in sleep life mocks me). Failing that, I spend my time re-editing the top 6 things that would go in my own personal Room 101.

Now plump up the cushions and make yourself comfy; I have loads of things that annoy me or that I hate or have a phobia of. Such as: New Years Eve, People Who Wear Trainers Without Laces in Them, Royal Mail Delivery Vans, Airports, Submarines, Hospitals, White Wine, The Middle Class - I could go on. These (and other things) jostle for positions 2,3,4,5. But number 1 is always the same. Always. Gentleman I give you - The Olympics.

It goes on too long, "Team GB" are hopeless under-achievers (and yes I include the current Olympics in that comment), and the sports? Why are some in (5 meter air rifle shooting anyone?) and some not (like cricket?). As AA Gill says the problem with The Olympiad (Olympiad?) is it's too much sport and not enough Games. I might like it more if it included gamey-type sports like Snooker, Darts, 10-Pin Bowling, Shove a'penny, etc. But it's so dull. And its doubled up with a men's race then a woman's race - why not do mixed racing and give the girls, I dunno, a 1/2 lap head start or something? Or handicap the male runners like in horse racing?

Which is a neat step into this week blog theme which is that political hot potato of Girls on a Cricket Field. Now don't all start up at once. I don't really mind (honest). It just LOOKS WRONG. Like female Black Cab Drivers or Old People eating Pizza there is something suss about it. And of course, it brings in the added embarrassment factor. Like getting bowled or caught by one. Being caught or bowled by a small boy is bad enough. But a girl? Can you imagine the grief?

North Weald (or North Weald Basset to give them their full name) had a girl in their team. A 13-year old called Laura. This was a master stroke by their skipper - guaranteed to get us panicking before the game even started. The Wealders are a really nice bunch actually and, having lost out to them last season at our place, I was keen for a win at their council rec ground. Y'know the type of ground- bumpy pitch, bumpy outfield, local chavs in football tops kicking a football about in the outfield. Sigh. I lost the toss and we were put in. The bounce was a tad uneven to say the least. It took Ali 32 overs and 6 hours to score 7 runs (or that's what it seemed like) but, with contributions from Steve Oakey (45), Bretty (30-odd) Andy D and - it has to be said - myself, we got to 173 which on that pitch was a bit of score. It was a timed game so they had to chase after tea and were never up with the rate, losing there 3 best batters cheaply and scoring at 2 an over. Paul got 3 wickets and a hat-trick chance and there were 2 wickets for Charlie ("oooh - I have a nosebleed"), Nipples and 1 each for Ali, Steve and Jamie. All out for 120-odd with 3 overs left.

Laura did okay and we did slow it down for her which is as it should be. Angus even gave here some advice at the crease. Good stuff. But we stuffed them basically - which was only the 2nd game they had lost all season or so they said. Go us. Win number 7, which equals last seasons total and we still have, what 4-5 games to go?

Man of the Match: Steve for his knock that helped us push on
Moan of the Match: BGB for getting a nosebleed (!)
Champagne Moment: Now then - it's me. I don't give myself much credit in the blog other than being the Comic Relief, but, that ball? The one that pitched way outside leg, spat, jumped and turned to whizz past off? Yes that one. The one the batsman said was a "miracle ball". That the CPM this week - so there.

Well done everyone. Next week we're at home to Sampfords (who we did the double over us last year) but they beat us at their place earlier in the season when we only had 9 players (two of which were youngsters). Another local derby where revenge is due. Win number 8? Let's do it.

When I think about it we do have a girl in our side already. I'm sure we do. From a distance I mean. Tall, flowing curly locks, wears a big girls blouse. Any clues as to who I mean....

Till next week.

Nipples

The Art of Captaincy?

2008-08-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

Saturday's home game against Lindsel was a wash-out. We gave it a half-hearted go for 15 overs but the drizzle was the only winner on the day. So we all retired for an early tea (thanks to JW and family for another superb home baked effort) and beers. Simply can't believe it's August...

When I was made captain a couple of seasons ago I ordered Mike Brearly's excellent book The Art of Captaincy online and read it cover to cover to get some knowledge and inspiration. A week or so before the first game Clint popped by and, very kindly, presented me with another copy - a battered well thumbed 2nd hand edition together with his best wishes (thanks Clint). When my mate Ian Butler pooped down from Birmingham half-way through my first season he bought me a copy as well. Then Will Beagles bought me one when S.T.A.R.T played us in May. That's FOUR copies now - what are people trying to tell me I wonder?

But, and how odd is this, joking aside GCCC Sat XI have won 13 matches during my reign thus far - loads more than in previous seasons. And it looks like we will surpass the number of wins this season compared to last year with much the same players and opposition. Which begs the question, what is Captain Nipples' Art of Captaincy? Well, as it's a bit of a dud week blog-wise what with no game to report, I shall tell you my 'rules'. Feel free to take the piss. Believe it or not I do have a strategy for skippering the team and its kinda routed in my approach to business management and 'leadership'. Comments welcome.

Captain Nipples and his Art of Captaincy

Rule 1. Remember Why We Are Here. Now this can be easy to forget in the heat of the battle but we give up our Saturdays because we love the game so much. It is a very enjoyable thing to do. But this 'thing' is not just about playing. For a lot of our players there is a lot of standing around in the field and sitting around waiting to bat. There is a lot of 'dead time' during a match. Rule 1 is about making this dead time meaningful. Larking about, banter, encouragement, that sort of thing. I try to foster an atmosphere of conviviality before during and after the game. That is why we are here.

Rule 2. Balance the Side. There are good players and less good players, youngsters and oldies, batters and bowlers, fit players and, err Bretty. Although selection is usually limited by who is available I try and get a balanced side and I always try to include one youngster like Robert Halls or Tom Pierson or Harry Rayner - the future of the club. That's my policy. A balanced side means we always have a chance. How many teams have we played who could bat or bowl but not do both? A balanced side doesn't mean our strongest side or our 'best' side. I go for a balanced side every time.

Rule 3. Be Receptive to Help and Advice. Less enlightened skippers might consider un-asked for suggestions or advice or opinion as somehow denting their authority. I don't understand that. There a a lot more experienced and more talented players in the team than me and only a fool would ignore their advice. Ali, Mike, Angus etc all tend to spot things I have missed. Only an idiot would not listen to his lieutenants. Sometimes you have to make a ruling if 4 players have 4 different opinions but Rule 3 is about listening. Listening is actually what leadership is all about. That's one thing in business I know to be true.

Rule 4. Bring Players On. I'm a big fan of changing the batting order, promoting players up the order who rarely get a bat so they can get time at the crease and get used to being there, for changing the bowling attack, etc. It keeps things fresh and it usually works - see how well Gus has batted this season? And instilling confidence in young talented players like Charlie (BGB) and seeing them rise to the challenge is great to see. Give everyone a game but also give them targets to go for. I don't ever want to patronise players by 'giving them a game'. I want it to feel real. To matter.

Rule 5. Conduct Yourself Appropriately. Remember who you are and what you represent. I am very proud of GCCC and for what the club stands for. I don't go for histrionics, I don't sledge or abuse the opposition, I don't sulk or mooch about. Players take their cue from the skipper and behaving like a twat is not on. I'm much more likely to laugh at myself than anyone in the team (apart from Ali, or Panther) - JOKING!

Rule 6. It is not a Sin to Compete. We don't play to win at all costs but neither are we other team's punch bags any more. It's fun to win - to deal with the pressure and overcome our personal demons and to make a contribution - fielding, catching, runs or wickets. Competing the right way is key. It's the hardest part of skippering in my view.

Rule 7. The Players Must Want You to Skipper Them. If they don't wanna play for you or don't enjoy it you are dead in the water. Which is why fostering the right atmosphere and attitude is so important. I can't lead by example with my batting or my fielding. Maybe with the ball sometimes. But that doesn't have to matter if you get the 'important' things right.

And that's it. The tactical stuff on the pitch is a lot easier for me now. If you trust your bowlers and they know you trust them then they will do they best and enjoy it. And the team will field hard for them because they want to. That's true team spirit in my opinion. And I think GCCC Sat XI has the best team spirit of all the teams we play.

Things like setting a leg side field when Paul bowls or making sure Jamie fields in a catching position or that Panther patrols the cover boundary because of his speed, etc you just kind pick up as you go along. It's no big deal. But boy do we play well together. And its great to see.

So there you are the 7 Rules of Captain Nipples. Comments most welcome.

Next Saturday we are away to North Weald who we really should have walloped last year but we let them off the hook and they sneaked a victory. I'll email location of the ground, etc during the week. Let's see if I can put my 7 Rule into practise (7 Rules? honestly what a tosser I am...). But I know what I'm doing..... sort of.

See you on Saturday weather permitting.

Cheers

Nipples

Porkies ****

2008-08-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

Game ratings:

* Pork sword
** Porkie pies
*** Pork-some-ham
**** Pork chop
***** Pork chop with apple sauce

Go see Avenue Q which I believe is still showing to rave reviews at the Haymarket Theatre. I took Ruth and the kids last Christmas on a friend's recommendation and it didn't disappoint. Think The Muppets meet The Rocky Horrow Show; all larger-than-life puppets operated by skilled actors with suggestive antics and very rude song lyrics. I don't do musical theatre as a rule, but this was so politically incorrect it was delicious. What other shows feature songs such as "It Sucks to be Me" or "The Internet is for Porn" or (my favorite) "Everyone's a Little Bit Racists (But That Doesn't Mean We All Want to go Off and Committ Hate Crimes")?

Everyone is a little bit racist and, I think, GCCC Sat XI were on the end of it last Saturday. Hainault were our guests and featured 10 pretty orthodox Muslim Pakistanis plus (slightly ironically) one aging white fella - the token white if you will. Now we need some cultural insight here. Unlike a lot of my team mates I lived in the East End for many years. So did Will Beagles who was guesting for Canfield for the day. We both know from experience that a) teams like this are on the receiving end of vulgar and aggressive racism all the time and they view any new white team with suspicion; they get their retaliation in first, b) Pakistani teams GENUINELY be live they are not out when given LBW but also GENUINELY believe the opposition batsman is out under the same ruling. Finally, c) they will win at all costs and consider bending the rules perfectly acceptable. It's just a cultural thing and no big deal. I thunk there is a word for it in their language that means "to win by deception/to fool the enemy" and is very much regarded as the highest form of victory. A kind of Maradona's hand-of-Ala goal if you will.

We won the toss (a good toss to win) and made 277 thanks to Mike carrying his bat for 120-odd and a swashbuckling 69 from Will Beagles (who, please note, was using my bat...). It was my turn to host tea and, err, gosh what a lot of pig meat I seem to have prepared. Oh dear - the opposition will have to pig out (oops sorry) on salad, cheese and the generous chocolate biccie selection. I didn't know they were a Muslim side. If I had I would have been more accommodating. Well, I would have got more cherry tomato's that's for sure (both garnish AND salad ingredient?)

I asked for the ball to be changed when we started after tea because it had swelled with all the rain and was out of shape. They agreed... after a consultation. Their skipper then asked if one of our non-playing members (Bretty) who was kindly helping out by umpiring could stand down as they wanted to use their own umpires (as we had when we batted). Fair enough. Bretty took it in his stride..... sort of. Well he strode off pretty quickly I know that.

And that set the tone. Charlie got a wicket in the first over and Mitch one in the second. In the third over their number 3 bat edged it behind to Jamie. It was obvious. We all heard it. We all saw it. The batsman didn't walk and the umpire.... claimed not to have heard anything. For the first time I can remember Jamie lost it and marched towards their batsman shouting "you have got to be kidding me..." Mike chipped in with "seriously bat, that is a despicable". I said something like "calm down, leave it, we've all had a drink, it aint worth it, don't touch me, etc". You HAVE to defer to the umpire. Of course the rest writes itself... Steve Oakey spends his spell trying to knock the batsman's head off and fails but does hit him smack on the big toe. But their batsman stays put and piles on the runs. There we other dubious goings on; like the batsman saying they had crossed when one wicket fell when they clearly hadn't, a ridiculous LBW that they turned down (hitting the foot in the popping crease is going to be out LBW even if you are blind) and many others. Jamie caught the offending batsman out in the end off Steve's bowling and gave an Eric Morcambe "way-ha" as he plucked the ball from the Sky. They got 180 off 24 overs and were all out.

Well bowled Charlie, Mitch and Steve and well kept Jamie. Charlie also took a couple of marvelous catches and Steve and Paul also caught a wicket a-piece.

Man of the Match: Mike for his best score in 2 years (really well played mate)
Champagne Moment: Jamie for his "way-ha" catch
Mug of the Match: Me for a pork-themed tea

We shook hands after and there were a few smiles. But they left without saying goodbye. The token white middle aged player stayed behind to reconcile the score books and said the game had been played in the right spirit! We'll end up dropping Hainault next season obviously. And that reflects poorly on us I feel. Hainault will feel hard done by by yet another white team and this will fan the implicit racial undertones for when they next play. This is a shame. And it's so not what Great Canfield are about. I wish I could have explained that to them. But wherever they go cultural misunderstanding will be the elephant in the room. Such is life.

So win number 6 of the season, one shy of last season with a lot of fixtures to go. What a skipper, huh? (er, no Jon...)

Next week we are at home to Lyndsel (GROAN). I know, I know. Look, lets just get it out of the way, maybe hold onto a draw and then go on holiday. 2pm at the ground. I need a team volunteer. Hold the pork.

See you next week.

Nipples

BLOG SPECIAL: CRICKET TOUR 2008, SUFFOLK

2008-07-22T04:24:00.000-07:00

"YAXFORD!"

Hello one and all or, as they say in Saxmundham, Yarp! What a tour, huh? Had everything, blood, sweat and beers. So much to pack in something is gonna have to give, so that'll be the cricket reports then. Where do we begin...? How about in the bar? The same bar that saw Ali down a whole bottle of rum only to pass out in his room and crack his head open on the TV table... the same bar that saw "tourist of the year" Johnny Slowman snog the bar girl in the early hours....the same bar that served the woody, oaky, dark rich pints of Adnams favoured by the real ale cognoscenti of the touring party (yawn) as opposed to the quality fizz that is probably the best lager in the world.

I arrived with Ali, Mike and Johnny on Friday evening having (note careful planning here) packed the car with quality beers and wines for the journey. We were already too late. Clint, Jamie, Bretty Angus and Silky had arrived at lunch-time and were smashed on the local cider. £1 fines for saying the words 'no', 'drink' and alternate hand drinking on the hour soon saw us notably poorer. To diner in the restaurant. Jamie very ill next days because (excellent excuse this) of the garlicy/chick pee thing accompanying his chicken. And definitely not the 6 pints of cider.... To the pub and karaoke. Messy. Preecherman doing his pole dance with nipples a-go-go. Lots of local chatter (yarp...yarp?...yarp!). To bed pissed but happy. I send some personal texts. As you do...

Saturday. Match day 1. Off we toddle to Southwold shouting the names of every daft sounding village we pass through beginning with... YAXFORD! and this became the rallying cry of the tour. Nothing against the village at all. I'm sure its v. v. nice. The locals stared as "The Iron Horses With Wheels" drive past. We wave a sympathetic wave. The kind of wave that says "I am SO glad I don't live here". To the ground, then into town for a mini beach break, then The Admiral Nelson for beers and food and to meet up with Bomber, Stevie, Paul and JW (Panther is nowhere to be seen having locked his car in his car keys or some suchlike (Mike "Fish, hmmm. bit over-done...hmm disappointing...hmm... easily done....I grow my own fish you know....in the garden....feed them on Adnams....yarp!).

The Southwold team are 1st class lads but cattle class cricketers. Yee gods. It was like a team of 11 Preachermen batting on a good-ish day. We took it easy and they got 140-odd. And how stupid did we feel when we found out one of their 'clowning' batsman suffers from MS and he STILL looked better at the crease than me. Yarp! At tea I decided the 11 batters would pick their batting order out of a hat. Some were lucky (like me at number 11) some less so. For a fiver into the kitty you could swap with someone. A good laugh.... except we nearly lost the game as our top order collapsed. Well done Angus (42) and then Johnny S and Clint for seeing us home with 8 overs to spare. Another win for the Sat XI (number 5 this season) and yes Stuart it does count as a Saturday win. Pub then back to Saxmundham (FACT: Did you know that Saxmundham is an old Viking word meaning "I want to kill myself if I stay here a moment longer"? Apparently so). A curry. The Chair arrives and we settle down to watch the entertainment ... which is Johnny S getting very pisssed then gaging on a a teaspoon of vindaloo). Back to the hotel, the bar, Ali and a bottle of rum. To bed. I send some personal texts. As you do....

Sunday and match day 2. Another cooked breakfast? So soon? The day before Mike and Ali had wine accompanying their breakfasts. So very rock and roll. I had tea myself. Off we go to Auburgh where The Chair has an early retirement home. Bomber and Clint go swimming in the sea. Lovely. Bomber comes out and he forgets he is still wearing his skin coloured bathing cap... (ho-ho). Why we didn't nick their clothes I have no idea. Wander around a bit. Then off to The Chequers at Framlingham for chips and drinks. There is a slide in the beer garden - Johnny S is happy.

The ground is lush and I warm up trying to catch rugby balls and then chasing Slowman around the park Benny Hill style. They look a crack side. All public school self-confidence and polite aggression at the crease. But all our Christmases have come at once with Jamie getting 2 wickets in the first over. Then another. Then another. To give em a chance The Chair put me on so they could at least go for 5 an over and they could make a game of it. They got 125 all out with 11 over remaining and we knocked off the required runs thanks to Bomber and Johnny S with a couple of over remaining. I leave early with Ali to follow up on some personal txts. As you do...

Played 2 won 2.

Which brings me neatly onto... The Tour Awards:

Tourist of the Year: Johhny S for high quality badinage (look it up) and banter with Preacherman, snogging A GIRL for the first time and for serious drinking and some top draw cricket including the champagne moment which was his catch at cover against Brandesden. Well played. Tour ranking 10/10

Best Tour Nickname: Gentleman, I give you Captain Nipples! Thanks to The Chair for that. My tour ranking is a generous 9.5 for providing the comic relief and my very own sex chat party line. And for using my company credit card.

Best Self Inflicted Injury: A close call this one between Mike (my backs gone) Emery, Ali (my head is bleeding) Ross and Jamie (dicki tummy) Halls. Ali wins. Tour ranking 9.5

Quote of the Tour: "The ball just has a habit of finding him... its just he's the last person you want under it" (Bomber about Captain Nipples). Bomber scores 8.5 for dry humour and for wearing his swimming cap the whole time.

Best Dressed Tourist: Could be Panther ("I can't wear brown because it make me look.... brown"), Nipples ("tight t-shirts that filled out nicely as the night goes on") and Angus ("Tesco shirt and detachable trousers!"). Gus wins hands down. 8.5

Can't Catch, Won't Catch: Me again versus Southwold. Balls a bit high. Coming to me. I shall move out of the way I think. Just awful. Hope no-one notices. They do. Oh yes they do.

Silky had the best dry witted comments of the tour, Bretty looked more and more like a local and Clint and Angus were the Chuckle Bros. Thanks god for Paula and JW for representing the more sensible side of the tour. Great fun.

Special thanks to the Bell Hotel, Saxmundham (FACT: did you know that Saxmundham is an old Suffok word meaning "I want to go home now please"? Apparently so) and the hotel staff for being so polite and so punctuall (Eat now please. Go now please. Etc), and to Clint for organising the fixtures.

The tour was great. I haven't laughed so much for ages. Mostly at myself it has to be said. Everyone wants to do it again but maybe somewhere else next year? I think East Sussex would make a great venue. Dulcie is very accommodating don't you know. Or so Johnny Slowman tells me...

Right, that's your lot. Till next time. Take it easy. And remember...

YAXFORD!

Captain Nipples

Nine Men Went to Mow***

2008-07-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

* Samfox
** Sambooka
*** Sampdoria
**** SamJanus
***** SamSmiths

I have been busy this week choosing my pic for an industry work thing-y I've been nominated for. I'm going for a kinda intelligent but naughty with a touch of louche mystery look - a moody b&w affair with film noir back liting. The darker the lighting the better Lou my pa reckons. Which reminds me, if any of you are the remotest bit interested go to www.spa-mr.com and check out the cute girls and guys I work with. A sup rising number of you have already done this (Steve Oakey, Ali, etc). But feel free anyway. Our website has just had a makeover so I welcome your comments. But do be kind. The gallery bit is great fun. Lots of pained expressions.

Talking of which, the best pained expression on Saturday was Sampfords number 5 bat who got run our by (super) Robert Halls on Saturday, although he gets beaten into 2nd place by their affable skipper Greg who got run off via a fluke deflection from Ali fielding his own bowling.

Honestly what a shithole Sampfords is. I know, I know I don't mean to slag everywhere else off but from the stupid 2-piece suite that carry out on to the outfield, to the complete carsey of a toilet (the rat holes are a lovely courtesy detail), the cramped changing room with not light fitting to the 'square' aka a patch of grass akin to what your dad would cut into the lawn at home to celebrate your first cricket set, it really is tragic. We HATE playing there, If it weren't for the bangers and chips gratis in the Red Lion after I don't think we would bother.

Details then. I won the toss and batted. We only had 9 players (sorry POB and JW - my mistake) and two of those were young Robert and Ned (aged 9). But we gave it a right old go making just south of 200 thanks to some explosive batting from Jamie and healthy contributions from Gus, Ali and James Potter (well done James). It was a good score and I felt confident at tea especially given our derisory start. But we'd feel it in the field with only 9 bodies. And we did.

But do you know what? I could not have been prouder. We chased, harried, and never let up and got 7 wickets and put the willies right up 'em. Charlie Potter (BGB) bowled the best I have seen him - aggressive and accurate and got 3 wickets including the 2 openers. Then Ned bowled and got a wicket, then the run-outs, then I got in on the act. But they won with 3 overs and a couple of wickets left. But with 7 men and 2 boys we sooo punched above our weight. Well done everyone.

Man of the match: Charlie for his bowling (and scoring the grand total of ....3)
Champagne moment: Rob Hall's run out
Mug of the match: me - for batting not bowling first

And there was a bit of argy bargy at the wicket. One of their guys was sauntering down for a single when Ali pinged the ball in. He just got home. I told him not to look at the fielder or he'd run himself out. He said he'd look where he liked, mate. Then Rob ran him out. I did warn him. And reminded him of this as he left the square. We shook hands though. At the end. Sort of.

Next week we are away (boo) again to Eastons (boo). Grudge game this and I am taking a rest. My mind has not been on it and my batting is woeful. So I need a break. Angus is in charge. The team is (tbc):

A. Silkstone
M. Silkstone
A. Ross
A. Pearson
Tom
Angus
Brucie
Steve Oakey
John Williams
Jamie Halls
Paul Lucas

But will confirm.

A great effort, a really great effort. And Sampfords get there revenge for us doing the double over them last year. Lets beat em at home, yeah?

See you in a fortnight. And for god's sake sort yourselves out!

This is Jon Pries, News at Ten, living in the moment.

Laters.

P

"Metaphor"

2008-06-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

All good things come to an end eventually. We have had some great times but the feeling just isn't there anymore. Hasn't been for a while if truth be told. No-one's fault. We just need a break that's all. Re-define the nature of our relationship. Move on the best of friends and it matters not what people think.

Yep - me and Dunmow Cricket Club need to take some time out. We have been seeing far too much of each other. Played them first game of the season, then an evening 20:Twenty with another 20:Twenty scheduled for next Friday and AGAIN on Saturday. Each time they field a weaker and weaker team to give us a chance. A relationship which is not of equals will not stand the test of time....

It was a GLORIOUS sunny day and The Park looked fantastic - thanks Bretty and Jamie for cutting the outfield and preparing the square. It was a good toss to win and we batted and set off like a house on fire scoring at 8 an over with Ali looking in top form. Then it slowed as their better bowlers came on. 174 all out with a couple of overs left (cardinal sin that) was well shy of par - we were looking at 250+ at drinks. Ali got a half century and for the second Saturday in a row looked set to score his maiden century. It will come my friend.

After a splendid tea (thanks to Angus and Tracy) we set about them and got two early break though wickets courtesy of Jamie and the excellent and improving Biggles (more use of Paul's nickname please). But they dug in. The spinning duo of Brucie (welcome back) and Preacher tied them up and we got 3 vital wickets between us, including the dangerous big hitting affable 'Spider'. And then Charlie came on and showed great maturity to get 2 more vital wickets.

Now get this. With 5 balls of the innings left the last pair are at the crease. They have scored 173 and need 2 to win. Jamie gets the wicket with a great delivery under pressure. We win! Or do we? Walking off Dunmow say we added up out total wrong and only have 172. As Bretty would say "bollocks" - the score on the scoreboard is the right score. Plain and simple. They should have checked. And let's not end the relationship for now on a sour note. Like arguing over the CD collection. Or the juice extractor.

So a GREAT win for Canfield and the closest game in living memory. The skipper knows what he is doing.....sort of.

Man of the Match: Paul Lucas - great bowling and fielding
Champagne Moment: The skipper's leg break that removed spider (sorry but I rarely get a mention and it DID turn the game - pardon the pun)

Idiot Boy Moment: Charlie lobbing the ball back to Jamie only for said ball to land on his bonce.

So a great way to end it all. Angus - I will pass on the Dunmow game this Fri if that is okay. I need some time on my own and to take stock. I wish Dunmow all the best. It's been great. And I love her dearly still obviously.... but more as a good friend now.

Next week we are away (groan) to Sampfords (groan) and then we have the start of cricket week (yippee). I hope the sun continues to shine. And if you got my email about the cricket tour make sure you come back to me in the next 2 weeks. The tour will be a blast as well. Shame its Suffolk... I'd much prefer somewhere like - oh I don't know - East Sussex maybe? Good place to buy a holiday home anyway.

The is Captains Blog living in the moment and everything is alright with the world.

Over and out.

Preacherman

"Blood"

2008-06-19T05:06:00.000-07:00

Big News... my blog has been nominated for an award! Hell yeah. The "You-Have-Too-Much-Time-on-Your-Hands-Jon-Get-a-Life" award. There is but one nominee. But knowing my luck of late I won't even win that.

Saturday's match was cancelled. Again. Hatfield Broad Oak couldn't get a team due to injuries, people working and generally being hopeless cases. So I turned out for the Sunday XI (with Andy Silkstone skippering) and we played away to Wethersfield - the first time Great Canfield had played them.

On the way to the ground I stopped behind Trevor to help attend to a motorcyclist who was injured. Get this - 60mph down the High Roding to Dunmow B road and - smack - a pheasant (yes, a pheasant) flies out right into the biker's visor. Except the biker had his visor up. Messy - a lot of blood and one very dead pheasant. We called a paramedic, cleaned him up and used his mobile to call his mate and girlfriend. He was in a bit of shock (but not as much as the pheasant) and lost a bit of blood due to a broken nose. Like an ancient soothsayer I read the entrails of the pheasant positive in the knowledge that our good Samaritan act would deliver instant karma.

5 hours later and we are getting stuffed at Wethersfield. Small ground, uncut outfield, dead wicket. Paul Lucas dives to stop a boundary. The ball bounces, rears up and SMACK! broken nose number 2 for t heday. That's karma for you. It IS amazing how much blood streams out of your nose, don't you think? Dazed and confused he wondered off leaving a pool of blood on the square... which acted as a useful reference point for the sub fielder ("just to the left of the blood stain, mate - yep - lovely").

It was a timed game and we were never in the running. Could have held out for the draw except the middle and late order batted as we always do.... badly. By the end I had had enough. I should have stayed at home.

Man of the Match: Ali Ross for bowling tight and opening the batting to give us hope
Mug of the Match: Me - for dropping a skier, bowling like a dead pheasant and scoring the sum total of.... 2
Hero of the Match: Paul Lucas for batting last with a broken nose

Next week we have a 20: Twenty game on Friday against Dunmow (yawn - them AGAIN) and on Saturday we are at home to Newport Grammar. THIS MATCH IS A 1PM START.

Charlie has organised this fixture and is doing tea. Such a nice lad... for a Big Girls Blouse. As an established Canfield regular who will be turning out for Newport, Charlie will have something to prove (such as bowling at the Sat XI's skipper's head). So more blood on the way then.

Sorry the blog is late this week but I've been running around like a headless pheasant all week.

Until next time

Jon "The Preecher" Priest

"Trainee"

2008-06-11T04:34:00.000-07:00

Something different this week. I spend an inordinate amount of my precious time at work having to check and sign-off reports written by SPA's 60-strong executive team. Due to one thing and another I have been doing more of this kinda work of late. The highlight is always (and without fail) checking the first draft executive summary penned by one of our Graduate Trainees. Remember: write positively, lead with insight then add the supporting detail (when relevant), make sure the report meets the objectives with firm recommendations at the end and no repetition. Always consider the reader. Easy.

So..... what would happen if a Graduate Trainee at SPA (or elsewhere) wrote up the Lindsell game last Saturday? Shall we see what it would read like? Shall we?

On Saturday the 7th of June, Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI played a cricket match against Lindsell at Lindsell. The weather was overcast and a bit drizzly. Angus, the Lindsell cricket team's captain won the toss and elected to put Creat Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI, captained by Jon Priest, who is captain of Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI into bat. Great Canfield Cricket Clubs Sat XI suffered badly in conditions that favoured accurate swing bowling and were 15 for 5 wickets after 10 overs. Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI were bowled out for 80 runs after 22 overs. Patrick O''Brien top scored with 23 and was Great Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI man of the match.

Then Lindsell batted and revered the batting line up so they could give us a chance. The bowlers who bowled for Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI bowled very well and took 5 wickets before the inevitable wining runs were scored by Angus. It was all over in time for tea.

Tea was very nice. There were ham sandwiches and cheese sandwiches and smaller-than-usual pork pies and French bread ham and cheese sandwiches and jammy dodger biscuits and some cake and some tea.

After tea we played a friendly game of "beach cricket" - a 10 over a side format which Lindsell also won and we also lost. Then it stated to rain and we went to the Green Man for a drink!!

Patrick O'Brien was man of the match and Jamie Hall's catch off the bowling of bowler John Willams was the champagne moment. Mug of the match went to Jon for losing the toss.

We all enjoyed the match very much. Neil Brett made his long-awaited debut as did Bomber and they both batted well but did not score many runs.

Next week Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI are playing at home to Hatfield Broad Oak at home at 2pm in the afternoon. I hope we can win that one!!

(Jon - is this okay? - have spent all day writing it).

Sigh

Laters

Preacherman

"Biggles"

2008-06-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

Everyone should have a nickname. And a hobby. That's my mantra. The world would be a nicer place believe me. Quite a few of the Canfield horde have them (nicknames, not hobbies); Bretty, The Chair, Gus, Clint, Panther and some have abbreviated first names that do much the same job - like Ali, J and Chas. Whilst on the subject I have an amusing tale about a nickname. In 1986 when I was a mere babe-in-arms market researcher I changed jobs and, I know you won't believe this, but I was pretty shy back then: wouldn't say boo to a goose. Took me a while to crawl out of my shell at my new company. Anyway, after a couple of months I was in the pub on a Friday lunch time and the department was talking about nicknames and Lara, the office go-fer turned to me and said "Did you know you have a nickname, Jon?" Buoyed by this as some important right of passage and a sign of acceptance I asked what my new moniker was. "Wanker" she said.

Paul Lucas needs a nickname. We've been here before but haven't quite cracked it. But after Saturday he deserves one. What a great game he played. A catch (off my bowling - always helps get a blog mention), a wicket and a great rear-guard action batting at number 9 where he gets his highest ever score and, with JW (another nickname - see we all have them) survives over 10 overs to protect our last wicket and so earn a not-at-all-well-deserved draw, only to be bowled with 14 balls left. Bugger. It was a mighty effort and we were mighty impressed. Well played sir.

I won the toss and put The Flitch (careful how I spell that) Pilgrims in to bat on a damp but drying wicket. We know this lot of old. Terribly, terribly nice chaps. But just as our battles with foreign foes are won on the playing fields of Eton, so village cricket matches in Essex are won on the beautiful cricket pitch at Felstead public school, this team representing the best of their 1980s Alumni. We bowled well and they made 202 in 34 overs - we skittled them out but they batted positively at 6 an over. Wickets for Priest (2), Ross (1), Lucas (1), Potter (2), Halls (1) and the Chair (1) - they only had 10 players. Our highlight was Charlie's super diving catch at cover (off my bowling - ta matey) - another great catch in successive games for The Big Girls Blouse.

The pitch was damp and the outfield slow. We knew they had made a good score. We would have to bat well and for them to bowl badly after tea. Both these didn't happen.

Ali and Guss opened the batting at a truly glacial pace with the bowling pitched up and straight. We were behind the rate when the first and then the second wickets fell. If I tell you Guss top scored with 25 you'll know the rest. Jamie, The Chair and me scored zip between us, exposing the rest of the team. We had yet to reach double figures. Enter Paul, closely followed by JW and they pushed, probed, defended and nicked it about. Paul played some good cricket shots and JW had a good forward defensive. We thought they'd hold out. We knew our luck must be in when the ball hit the stumps and the bails jumped in the air and landed back on the stumps! This must be our day. But when Lynda, Paul's wife, got all excited andwent to fetch her camera to photo her hero out in the square I knew we were tempting fate...

A great game tho'. Close, tense, fun and played in a chirpy but informal atmosphere. We will welcome the Pilgrims back next year and.. they will beat us again whilst being terribly nice about it. I will wear my Class War t-shirt next year.

Man of the Match: Paul Lucas
Champagne Moment: The ball-defying bails (thanks bails)
Mug of the Match: Clint - for nearly getting timed out when his turn to bat because "I was putting a new number plate on my car" - with his pads on - as you do

Thanks to Lynda and Paul for doing a first class tea. Next week, we are AWAY to Lindsell, 2pm start. Another tough game. I do seem to recall being a touch scathing about them in my blog last year ("Chin Up, Lindesll!) - I wonder if they will remember? It will be good to see my old mate Sniper again.

Right, back to Paul has his nickname. What do we know about him? Well, he flies planes in his spare time and he played a heroes innings, so how about... Douglas Bader? Ha-ha.

Biggles it is.

Good week everyone.

Preacherman

"Mole Hunt"

2008-05-23T03:54:00.000-07:00

The Scene: The interior of SPA's offices in central London. Third floor. Last Tuesday.

JP: Where's Steph? I need to see her

Steph's Assistant (SA): Moscow

JP: (looking puzzled)

SA: It's in Russia. Or what used to be called the Soviet Union

JP: Yes, I know where Moscow is thank you. Client work I take it?

SA: Well she is with a client. At the football....

JP: WHAT?

SA: Y'know - Sony. They sponsor the Champions League. Or is that Playstation? Anyway - they gave her a ticket. A Big Corporate Do. Flights, hotel, everything. Didn't she mention it?

JP: What, mention it to the Chelsea-Supporting-SPA Chairman? Oh I doubt that very much. Can you get her on her Blackberry? Tad urgent

(some minutes later)

Steph: (tipsy) Hi JP

JP: How and why? Leave out no details. No matter how small

Steph: A ticket came up and they invited me. I thought you were going with ITV?

JP: No...

Steph: Or with Sky?

JP: Nope

(silence)

Steph: I have bought you a commemorative scarf...

JP: So I'm here and you're there. In some other world this would make perfect sense

Steph: It's really raining here

JP: Oh well, that's okay then. Glad I'm not there getting wet on the night of the biggest game of my life

Steph (sniggering) You said that as if you were playing

JP: Well enjoy it. And don't worry at all about the 5pm meeting I have scheduled in with you this Friday..

Steph: (laughing) I've just met Fabio Cappello

JP: Bye Steph

Welcome to Captain's Blog. It's been that kind of week. No ticket. And my team lose due to a slip up by their skipper (I know the feeling). And if that isn't arse-ache enough I get double arse ache with the colonic irrigation I have done on Friday (it works by the way - have lost 4 lbs in weight and 2 inches around my gut so up yours Steve Oakey). And Clint has called me about a 1000 times this week about the Sunday side. And what with Ed' foot surgery I so needed a nice friendly cricket match to set me straight.

Which never happened either. We played a cricket match but it wasn't that friendly. Should have been. Could have been. But wasn't. We welcomed Eastwoods from Leigh-on-Sea as our conference fixture and they were nice enough - bit of a rag bag bunch but then so are we. Their hobbit-sized skipper Mark was okay but they... kinda looked like they didn't know each other. Most odd. I lost the toss and Mark inserted and we made 225 thanks to contributions from everyone notably Jamie for another half century and Stevie who got 30-odd opening which was his first bat of the season. That was a good score. So far, so nice.

It all changed after tea (excellent effort on the tea-front JW- Waitrose indeed and freshly made) when they started their innings. Their opener, a small, elf like creature called "Mr Mole" (thanks to Angus for that) nicked one in the first over. Outside off stump, didn't move his fee. Bat miles away from his body. But a definite edged. We all heard it (I heard it a wide mid on!). Did he walk? No sir. Did his team mate who was umpiring raise his finger? No sir. WHAT! How can he stand there when he knew and we knew (and he knew we knew) he'd edged it to Angus?

My blood was up a bit. I know its just a friendly game of village cricket but as Mike said, that's exactly the point. So I instruct Charley to bowl full pelt. We get the other opener out 2nd over with a yorker that smacks the batsman's boot. He literally hobbles back to his hutch. And... they make 151 before Charley gets the last wicket with 20 balls to go. Justice.

Everyone bowled very well, notably Jamie and Charley (a 3-fer each), Paul (2 wickets) and even the spinning skipper got in on the act (and I won't even mention the two dropped catches off my bowling, one of them by my new bessie mate Panther.......).

Man of the Match: Charley - for a great spell of controlled, aggressive bowling, 3 wickets, some runs and a fantastic diving catch at mid off. And he's only 15.

Champagne Moment: Charley's catch

Mug of the Match Moment: How many times has Angus featured in this? This time, with their batsman stranded down the other end he catches the fielder's throw only to miss the easiest stumping in the world by 'throwing the ball out of his gloves' as he attempts the stumping. Unbelievable. Well, not if you know Angus.

So, win number 2. And how did the skipper fare? Well, putting Steve in to open when he arrived so he didn't have time to think about it was not a bad decision, and setting Charley a batting target of 25 to give his something to focus on rather than worrying about getting out was fairly simple psychology (he made 18). And moving Steve to square leg where he took his catch off my bowling. All good stuff. But with 12 overs remaining we needed 6 wickets. Then 5 in 10. Then 4 in 7. It was our ability to close the game out and help get the team believing we could do it that I was most pleased with. We really deserved that victory and it would have been a travesty if we had let them off the hook. WELL DONE EVERYONE. And thanks to Ali for getting me to change my mind and get Charley to bowl straight at the death. Lives and learns - cheers matey.

Some of their players shook our hands but most didn't bother. I made a point of shaking Mark's hand regardless and the hand of their number 4 bat who made 50 when he was walking back to the pavilion because he played well and in the right spirit. That's the Canfield way. They left pretty quickly. Clint - not a team to have back I fancy.

Next week (rain permitting) we are at home to Flitch Pilgrims - the ex-Felstead public schoolboys who gave us a right bloody nose last year. Nice bunch they are but also damn fine players. Let's see if we can give them a game.

Have a great week everyone and well played one and all. We're back. I'm back. And look, so is Steph (with a scarf AND match programme). Glad I never made it in the end.

Laters

Preacherman

"Popular"

2008-05-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

Hello play mates and welcome to Captains Blog.

I think it's fair to say that the popularity stock of the skipper and his confounded blog have been higher... bur I blame the weather, work-load and my peculiar sense of humour for that. Let's review the evidence, shall we?

1. The Weather

It was cool and damp on Saturday morning but not actually raining, although the cricket at Lords was delayed due to a wet start. And the weather from London usually ends up at our ground 2-3 hours later. And sure enough at 11.15 precisely it starts to drizzle. Then gets heavier. A really annoying light, misty drizzle. I'm still hopeful at noon it might clear when Jamie calls me from the ground to say "we've had it for the day, Jon". Now Jamie as we all know is a chap of few words. And as groundsman he knows better than any of us. Unlike me he does know what he's doing. The wet Thursday has not had chance to clear and the pitch is soaking. I like to give us as much chance to play as possible, but, on J's informed advice I decide to "call it"right away.

First to call the opposition, Dunmow-Eastons (Angus has their details), then the person on our team doing teas, then those with furthest to travel, then the rest. That's my order. Mike was doing teas and was not best pleased with me ("you are joking?".... Erm, "no") . Even now I suspect he's wondering what to do with 8 French sticks and a catering pack of cheddar ("Ebay?"). Mr Popular I am not. I wonder if I should ask him to do teas next week....?

Everyone else gets a call. I can't get hold of Ali. When I do txt him that the match is off I receive the following txt reply:

"Thnx. I know. I am at the ground..."

Oops. Mr Popular part deux.

2. Work

Due to heavy work-load I couldn't make the very committee meeting I had scheduled and a lot of people hadn't got the message (sorry Bretty). I suspect committee members weren't too impressed by my lack or organisation, planning and communication skills even though they are far too polite to say.

3. Panther

Ah yes. Well, Andy Goodwin had what "Human Resources" might call "some constructive feedback" relating to my blog entry of last week, which he shared via email with most of the club. And raised at the committee meeting. I shall make my peace when I see him next. ("Don't say anything about Panther in your blog this week Jon, you know what you're like, always going just too far. Stop it" - Ruth).

I'm assembling quite a list.

Add to that Brucie who still hasn't played since I under-bowled him against Flitch Pilgrims last year, Ed Priest who refuses to play with me at the moment whilst his raging hormones sort themselves out, Clint who might think I have "backed off" from helping him sort out the Sunday side and Patrick who I never phoned back this week and, erm, do we have a full team of disgruntled players yet?

Of course it will be fine next week. It will be sunny and hot, we'll win the toss, play well and win and everyone will love me again, carrying me on their shoulders in triumph into the bar and buying me drinks.....

Probably.

But until then, I will wear my hair-shirt and walk about hitting myself with my bat every few minutes in order to cleanse myself. And talking about cleaning myself, on the advice of a very good friend I have booked myself in for "colonic hydrotherapy" next week. Seriously. Apparently it really does help relief stress, fatigue and aids a bit of lower abdomen weight loss. Mike said I should have it cos I'm full of sh*te! Fair nuff.

Until then have a great week and see you all on Saturday. I don't know about next week's fixture (who we are playing or if its at home - organisational skills again) but I will be in contact. And if you do phone me back, try not to call me at 10.35pm on my mobile as one player did last week. That's way past the "cut-off". All being well, I shall be calling you from Moscow if my freebie ticket for the Champions League final materialises, thanks to a friendly client. I do, it seems, have one or two friends left!

Till next week.

Preacherman

"Panther"

2008-05-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

GCSE Advanced Level English Literature (AEB) Module One

Q1. Consider the following two extracts and discuss which is the most impenetrable and/or frustrating.

We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare;
More substance in the enmities
Than in our Love; O honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.
(extract from The Stare's Nest by my Window, W.B. Yeats, 1919)

I may play for Canfield on Saturday,
Or Stapleford Tawney; if they are short,
I prefer to play for Canfield but also them,
They have twelve players now so I will play for you,
No they don't, they only have ten
I can 'bat for both sides' if you want
What about 12 a side?
Egg & cress sandwiches for tea?
Etc, etc
(extract from The Panther Strikes, A Goodwin, May 2008)

Christ on a bike. Panther - he really is the most likeable chap but he also drives me insane. The phone messages and txt messages and email message of last week concerning who he might play for and all the innumerable combinations this entails. He did indeed end up playing for the Tawney's and when he came in to bat? Well let's just say we all wanted to have a bowl at him. He was as frustrating at the wicket as he was in the above prose, edging it to 3rd man all the time. It goes without saying we love him dearly. And the egg and cress were spot-on mate. Well done for going to Waitrose.

I may go to Waitrose,
Or perhaps Tescos,
Sainsburys is shut
And.. (thank you Patnther)

Welcome to Captains Blog. We won! Oh yessiree. Lovely sunny day as well. And as skipper, let the record show one played a blinder don't you know. First, rather than toss a coin I asked Will their skipper what he prefered to do (being the perfect host). He wanted to field (in that heat, with the, erm 'girth' of some of his players?). Okay by me. Would have batted anyway. So bonus points for Captain Karma.

Next, I promoted Gus to open and he gets his highest ever score in double quick time to give us a solid foundation (42 - bloody well done mate). See? Easy when you know how. Then when we bowled I deliberately started with JW and, what's that? 3 wickets so soon? Ali and I frustrated their best bat Dell until I decide to bring on Jamie who skittles 3 wickets ably helped by Paul who gets 2. A win by 80-odd runs with 10 overs to spare? I know what I'm doing. Part III.

Well done Jamie for his half century and to 'Gus (again) and JW.

Man of the Match: Super Jamie Halls
Champagne Moment: Andy Davies's one-handed juggling catch on the boundary - genius
Mug of the Match: THAT dropped catch. I would say who it was but we all know anyway and Paul will get upset...
Comedy Moment: Their sqaure leg umprire John getting it flush in the shins and saving a certain boundary off my bowling and for hoping about going "ow ow ow". Shouldn't laugh. Yeah - you should.

Felt a bit knackered after. Was at a health farm on Friday entertaining some clients (as one does). That massage really knocked me out. Was half expecting 'a happy finish' but it never came. Got my happy ending on Saturday instead. Ho-ho.

Well done everyone and thanks to Panther and Cath for a great tea. And to Jamie for laying on a great wicket.

Next week we are at home against A Conference Side (tbc) 2pm start, usual drill. I'll leave the last word to Panther:

I can't play next week
Got a Young Farmers BBQ
But can play the week after
Probably
Or not
I will txt you and let you know

I just know he will....

Good weekend all.

Preacherman

"No Show"

2008-05-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

Let's give a big warm hand to Halstead Fenns who, at 8pm on Friday night, decided to phone me to call the game off because they couldn't get a team together for Saturday. That's after reassuring us on Wednesday that 'they would be fine'. New team as well and dead keen in March when they begged to play us. Tossers. Convention dictates that calling the game off with less than 24 hours before the match starts is terribly poor form. So I spend the next hour phoning and texting everyone the match is off. Most took it in their stride, expect the following player:

JP match off

Ali why?

JP they couldn't get a team

Ali why?

JP I don't know!!

Ali Sorry - I am a bit pissed

Ali "Preecher! Game's off then. They couldn't get a team? I'm a bit pissed"

etc

This got me thinking how impossible it is for me to play cricket. Yes very funny. But let us consider the following factors (or 'variables') that need to be in play and divide by the number of match we have:

1. Do we have a full side to put out (Y/N)
2. Do the opposition have a full side to put out (Y/N)
3. Will the opposition actually show up on the day (Y/N)
4. Will it be pissing down with rain (Y/N)
5. Will I get a bat (Y/N)
6. Will I bat passably well (Y/N)
7. Will I bowl passably well (Y/N)
8. Will we win (Y/N)

You see my point. Eight things have to happen in sequence for me to have a really good game. Eight! We only play 20-odd games a season. So I should play well two and a half times a season which.... is about right actually. I tell you, it's a burden being this smart all the time.

Anyway, I turned out and skippered the Sunday side instead and yes, I got a duck again and no wickets but at least we got a draw. I now have the worse batting and bowling average at the club. Go me!

This coming Saturday we are at home to the Mighty Stapleford Tawney complete with Andy Lee (Manager), Will Beagles (Skipper) and Dell (useful #3 bat - who Ali dropped off my bowling last year before he scored loads). They are my fav visiting team and we look forward to hosting them. It was a real cliff-hanger last year I seem to recall - even in the rain. Panther is doing tea so celebrations all round. 2pm at the Park. Angus - I want you to open.

I'll phone and and get the team ready in the next day or so.

FYI There will be a committee meeting next Tuesday, 13th May at 8pm at The Hall's Pavilion.

Good week all,

Cheers

Preecher

"Flat"

2008-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

The title of my blog - "The Difficult Second Season" - might turn out to be more prophetic than I intended. On Saturday, in glorious and unseasonal Spring sunshine, GCCC Sat XI visited Dunmow to play our first match of the season. And we lost by 80-odd runs. The pitch was flat, and so were we, as was my bowling. Flat, flat, flat. As a pancake. Or my stomach. ho-ho.

The afternoon started brightly enough. I gathered the team for an inspirational team talk in the away dressing room. I thought some kick ass beats would be a good idea - "let's play some music to get us going" - except we didn't have any. Angus played The Kaiser Chiefs on his mobile phone. It wasn't the ambiance we were after. It took him a minute to turn the damn thing off. I mumbled something about 'competing' and 'remembering to enjoy it' and 'results will come' and 'other cliche's'. It wasn't Duke of Wellington circa 1815 and the battlefields of Belgium that's for sure.

The pitch had a bit of green about it and was damp. To bat or bowl? That decision was made for me by their skipper who won the toss and, in 0.00078 seconds, decided to bat. They made 225 or thereabouts for 2 wickets. Just the 2 then... And funny thing is we bowled okay; Jamie and Ali opened and kept it tight. A few half chances here, a dropped catch there. They were 85 at drinks. That was only just par. But we never really looked like getting a wicket. And the longer it went on, the quieter we all got. JW finally got their (14-year old!) opener out, caught by Trev at gully for 44. Dom, their other opener made 85 before retiring. Oh yes, and before this the Dunmow skipper had wandered on to the pitch to remark "That if I wanted any of their batters to retire, just to ask, old chap, okay?" Grrr...

Rob Halls bowled well and got the other wicket. JW and Paul did okay considering the pitch and that it was the first game of the season and all that. I bowled 'alright' with a lower case 'a'. No wickets, bit flat, 3 half chances and , er that's it. Time for tea.

We started our innings well too. Mike and Ali were up with their rate after 15 overs or so till, Mike got his bat caught in his pads (oops) and was out. Andy D went in and walloped it but was out lbw without really getting going, although he had smashed his finger taking a catch earlier and played on through the pain. Still well placed though after 20 overs. Or so I thought....

The roll of shame:

Trevor: made a couple I think, then clean bowled
Panther: out first ball leaving one..... that hit middle stump (idiot boy!)
Preacher: got a duck (having to face a hat-trick ball) and got one that nipped away a few balls later. Good ball, chaps honest...
Angus: out first ball (hit the bails off with his own bat (idiot boy!)
JW: a duck as well I think

Shall I go on? Their Sri Lanken bowler was mustard. Nipping it in, then away and against the slop. Too good for us. But of course we knew that. Thanks Dunmow.

Jamie was still at the crease with Paul but when J went we knew the end was nigh. We had 28 balls to go to earn a losing draw but, then with Paul clean bowled it was all over.

There was some good news. Rob Hall's bowled very well. And Chelsea beat Man U 2-1. But the promises I made to myself at the start of the season of 1) no ducks and 2) get at least one wicket a game got busted in April. Twas ever thus.

Dunmow were very sweet and laid on a nice tea and they had the telly on so we could watch the footie results come in. I knew it would be tough but, for 3/4 of the game we were in with a shout. The difference was their one bowler who took, what 6-7 wickets? We should not be too down-hearted. And I think we'd all agree the season starts properly next Saturday when we play at home. Now, I have spoken to Clint and there is definitely a game this Sat, 2pm start at the park. I just can't remember who. A new team I think. Let's see what happens. I will bring some sounds.

And as skipper I want to hear lot more banter in the field and for us all to support our bowlers. Now do come along. Or I shall get shirty and simply insist on playing my new album by The Fall before we play. And that will upset us.

Man of Match: Rob Hall (well done Rob)
Mug of the Match: Angus (for mobile phone incompetence and knocking over his own stumps)

Well, we have the tough game of the season over and done with. Now to put our game faces on. We've waited 7 months for this.... let's enjoy it.

Happy days are here again!

Have a good week everyone.

Preacher

"Nets"

2008-04-24T01:44:00.000-07:00

JP: You okay for Saturday, chap?

Clint: I can play, yeah. It's Gabriel's birthday party but the missus says I can play if I want..

JP: Sarah said that?

Clint: Yeah

JP: Those were her exact words - if you want?

Clint: Yeah

JP: Let me enlighten you. 'If you want' means absolutely no chance

Clint: She said I could play...

JP: Call me on Monday and let me know

Welcome to the start of a new season. As you can see, very little has changed. Our 2nd net of the season last Sunday at The Park was reasonably well attended and the sun rose on a new dawn at GCCC. And everyone did okay with bat and ball. Panther's an interesting one; Arthur Conan Doyle (he of Sherlock Holmes fame) argued once that the brain's capacity was finite. With any new knowledge gained, the brain must lose an equal and equivalent amount of knowledge to make room. So we when we saw him batting passably well in the net we knew his bowling would desert him. And it did. Well done mate for bowling the ball IN the net occasionally. Ho-ho.

Paul STILL doesn't move his feet at the crease and JW looks surprised every time he hits the thing. Andy looked the class bat he is. Jamie was ring-rusty. I of course, was spectacular. In my imagination that is. Mitch (who is 17 by the way) bowled quick and smacked a few (mostly off me). I bowled too short. Clint was our bowling pick and insisted on wearing his rugby shirt to nets (with a no. 18 on it - his batting average - har). Welcome to Pete the Kiwi vet who will be one of new players this season. Trevor also came up wearing his Sunday best walking the dog.... we are SO professional.

So it's Dunmow AWAY this Saturday for our first game of the season. Match is at 2pm. Be there at 1.45pm. Here's the team and likely batting line up (I have put amusing nick names in brackets)

Mike Emery (Super Mike)
Ali Ross (Super Ali)
Andy Davies (Super Andy)
Trevor Beeston (Super Trev)
Jamie Halls (Super Jamie)
Panther (Panther)
JP (Preacher)
Angus Rayner (Super Gus)
John Williams (JW)
Paul Lucas (Super Luke-y)
Robert Halls (Super Rob)

No Clint you notice. Funny that.

Due to popular demand I bring you the welcome return of Captain Blog's Absentee Rating system for players who couldn't make it. We have a 5 ***** rating system thus:

***** Choosing curtains with the missus/buying shoes/etc
**** Having to work at the weekend
*** A small niggle/injury/cough/etc
** Family engagement
* Hungover

Bomber haa his kids christening and its a a big family deal so fairy nuff. Steve Oakey has his bro down ('been arranged ages Jon', etc) for that a **. Mitch is playing for his school and is so excused. Bretty has kanckered his shoulder and has a sick note until further notice. Which leaves Clint - a definite ***** for even thinking he could play.

Dunmow will be up for it. Keen as mustard. It's a pre-season friendly for them and they will put out their 2nd XI. I do so hate them. Well not really. But like your bigger older brother who puts his outstretched hand on you forehead whilst you are trying to punch him, Dunmow 'like to take it easy on us'. Okay so they're the better team. And it's at their ground. And their players have much better nick names than us - like 'Spider' and 'Muscrat' and 'Bingo' or whatever. But I think we can get a draw. Good track you see.... win the toss, we bat first, post 250-265 and let them chase. Their ego will get the better of them and our slow bowlers (which is all of our attack obviously) will frustrate them into hitting out. Should be all over in time for Doctor Who.

Ali - please keep off the quality wines on Friday.

See you all Saturday. Here we go again. I love this job..........

Preacher

Pre-Season Just 2 Months Away

2008-02-06T05:29:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Captain's Blog and to the upgraded v2.0 blogsite just in time for the up-and-coming 2008 season.

My last post was on 13th September 2007, nearly 5 months ago. If, like moi, you have been counting down the months till the start of the season - which is on Sat 26th Apr (Dunmow, home, 2pm start - can't say you haven't had fair warning) then I thought you'd appreciate an insight into how I have handled the long, dark winter months that have edged along at a truly glacial pace:

Oct. went to New York, attended the Diner Dance, decided to extend the house, started running again, 13st 4lbs

Nov.heavy work load - not much happened, planning permission rejected, 13st

Dec. Christmas, decided to enter into negotiations to sell the company, 12st 7lbs

Jan. into 2008 and the season is just around the corner.... Ed has his first foot operation, 12st 4lbs (disappointing)

Feb.is it my imagination or is it now lighter in the mornings? Planning permission approved! GCCC AGM, 11st 12lbs (have been going for it)

March. Bright mornings, a feeling the season is now just around the corner, work on house starts in 2 weeks, 11st 11lbs (more meat on a butcher's pencil)

So that's been my winter basically. Sorry there have been no winter nets but its been a right arse-ache trying to sort it out so I gave up. However, spring nets start ON SUNDAY 13TH APRIL, 2pm at the ground. Jamie will cut a practise strip just like last year. This will be a good opportunity for everyone to remember how it all goes and to at least pretend to be ready and to get our confidence up by smacking Ali all round the ground. I will also be trying out a new delivery... yes, the one that pitches on leg and goes... straight on to leg.

Big news - we have a cricket tour this season!! Keep the w/e of Sat 19th/Sun 20th July free. We're going on tour to Suffolk, playing Southwold on the Saturday and Branesden on the Sunday (thanks to Clint for sorting this out). We will be staying Fri night (optional for those who want to drive down on the day) and Sat night nr Southwold on the coast, then travelling to Branesden on the Sunday, then home. Should be a right larf. If you want to sign up let me know ASAP - we want about 13 or so. Jamie, Angus, Clint, me and Ali I think are all in. And Stuart will be staying in his holiday mansion and has promised to play one of the games. Budget about £120 a night for the hotel + beers/food. We can travel down in a convoy in about 4-5 cars. Wahay!

I have circulated the minutes of the AGM. 2 highlights to note. 1) well done to Bretty, PoB and Brucie for being made Vice Presidents of GCCC. Well done chaps - a great way to recognise your service and value to the club. 2) we got over £3,000 from the National Lottery which will be used to improve the practise net area (levelling and re-laying) plus whatever else Jamie think we need.

Our first match is only 8 weeks away and our first practise session only 6 weeks away. That 42 days before we pick up a bat and ball for the first time in ages. So get fit, lay off the beer and sort your kit bag out. The season is about to start.

This is Captain Blog signing off.

Cheers

Jon aka The Preecherman

End of Term Report

2007-09-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

For those of you with a GCSE (A*) in maths, you will know this is blog entry number 24 and, sadly, the last for this season. When edited, I think they will make a more than passable Wisden-esq historical record of the Sat XI's 2007 summer exploits as well as a heart-felt and candid diary of the skipper's inaugural season

I've enjoyed being skipper and the on-field part has got easier with experience - as I hoped it might. I've also gotten to know the players personal strengths and weaknesses. So, putting my head in the lion's mouth that is GCCC, here's my light-hearted end of term report on the Sat XI team pool. Comments welcome:

Bomber A season of improvement with the bat. Playing less, not having the aggro of being captain and Nick Down's coaching have paid handsome dividends. Scored maiden century and ensured a more than acceptable average. Fewer catches this season compared to his own very high and athletic standards. Remains a valuable top order bat and catching fielder. Well played sir! 8.5/10

Ali A very good season with the bat and so close to that elusive century on more than one occasion. By his own admission, a more mixed season bowling despite good early form. Has fallen away a little of late and uncharacteristic fielding mishaps starting to pepper his game. Is age catching up with him? Or the quality wines on a Friday? A mainstay of GCCC and the first person I check for availability. 7.5/10

Preecher There have been some encouraging signs with the bat but has not kicked on as he'd hoped. Next year will be his 3rd full season and needs to get on with it. Bowling has been steady but unspectacular; despite finishing with 35 wickets for the season these have been expensive. But a proven partnership-breaker and, as maiden skipper, the most Sat XI wins in a season since anyone can remember which makes him the Mike Brearly of the team (can't bat or bowl but gets the most out of a good team). I am so going to regret saying that. 6.5/10

Angus A brilliant season. Kept wicket superbly and this tends to be forgotten because he's so consistent. Us bowlers owe him a debt of gratitude. And more confident with the bat this season, esp when promoted up the order. He has also helped me enormously on the field. One of my picks of the season. 8/10

Jamie Undisputed player of the season. Destructive mid-order batting, a maiden century, great bowling figures, and our best fielder to boot. That he now plays for us on a Saturday and that we have won so many games is not coincidental. Thanks for making my job a whole lot easier. 10/10

Andy Davies As you were - a great number 3 and spectacular in the field. Our team is weaker when he doesn't play. A centurion and high scorer all summer...just like last season... and the season before that. Mr reliable and a great player to skipper. 9/10

Steve Oakey Our most improved player? Bowling has come on leaps and bounds (the ball no longer sails over Angus's head) and has real pace now. Can also bat and not afraid to go up the order. A strong fielder and a very good competitor. I just wish he'd do as he was told - but that wouldn't make him who he is. Top Man. 9/10

Bretty Had a shocker with the bat despite some promising starts but did get a 70 a fortnight ago. The smoking ban seems to have affected his concentration. Grumbles about next season being his last, etc. but (as he would say) bollocks to that. And if you do stop playing will you still cut the grass please? 6/10

Paul Lucas Hmmm...tricky this. Ever-willing 2nd change bowler has worked hard and been genuinely unlucky. Figures are a tad pricey but he does do a very good tea. But marked down for constantly going on and on about the duck cup being announced for last year rather than just this year (because he knows I won it). So 5/10 rising to 5.5/10 if he promised never to mention the duck cup again.

JW A tough season - picked up wickets early on but has taken some real spankings as well (was voted Lindsel's most valuable player - ha-ha). Bowling a little too short I think. And his batting (which showed promise last year - yeah - like I'd know) has been strangely absent this year. But an excellent team man and a joy to skipper. 5.5/10

Robert Halls The youngster has done excellent (as a footie manager might say) with a handful of wickets and some very, very good fielding. Probably swings the ball more than most. Confidence with the bat will come. Rob scores 8/10 in my adult-level rating so well done young man.

Ed Priest Our unluckiest player; has bowled very well over the season with little reward and a not a small amount of bad luck. But some great catches and probably the straightest bat in the club. Technically very good he will be in the runs next year. Foot injury has hampered progress and this will be sorted in the close season. 7.5/10

Patrick Hampered by playing very little for the Sat XI and yet to really trouble the scorers. Still keen as mustard and worth his place in the team for his wit and unbridled knowledge of the game. 5/10

Charlie Potter Good all-round potential with ball and bat. Has learnt that more control and less pace = more wickets. Has the required skills with the bat but yet to get a proper start. Again, his time will come. I feel he has learned a lot playing with us this year. 7/10

Stuart A very late developing batting-season for The Chair and may even be troubling the duck cuppers. But got a 50 a few weeks ago. Bowling has been very good though and as young and sprightly as ever. A dead-eyed fielder and very fast over 10 yards. 6.5/10

Greg Conboy Under-played this season but gradually re-inducting himself back into the Canfield fold. Potential with the bat as ever but still ring-rusty. Must play more games. See me after class. 5/10

Sam Rayner Another who could have played more games but Angus's youngest is coming on. Spins the ball very well and his fielding concentration has improved this year. And known to smack the odd boundary as well. One to watch. 7/10

Mike Emery Started playing for the Sat XI early on but has now reverted to his preferred Sunday position. Against his own very high standards has been less effective with the bat than last season but always dangerous. Remains the club's best bat. 7/10

Andy Goodwin Panther has been unlucky not to play more due to moving home and a sever hand injury. Lightening quick in the field and a good part-time slow bowler. Batting technique has come on leaps and bounds. Did a very passable tea. 6.5/10

Clint Played only a handful of games but was centre stage when we beat Sampfords at their gaff. Bats as if he's never been away. Bowls as if he's been on a 12-month cruise! But takes wickets. I wish he could play more. 6.5/10

Paul Halls Available when not helping Bishop Stortford Football Club Paul is most dangerous as a canny slow right-armer. Has a lot of experience and knows how to win a game. Batting perhaps not what it was 10 years ago but so what? Captained the side that won the Halls Trophy. 7.5/10

Brucie. Seriously under-played this season due to a) work, b) a dog biting his hand and c) him probably still having the arse with me for under-bowling him against Flitch Pilgrims. Come back Brucie all is forgiven! 6/5/10

Sorry if I've missed out one or two but for the core of the Sat XI that played more than a couple of games, that's my report card.

Captain's blog will return mid-April 2008 in time for the new season.

Many thanks to you all for your effort, support, tolerance and good humour.

I know what I'm doing.... sort off.

See you at the diner dance - This is Captain's Blog signing off.

Preecher

Jamie's Revenge

2007-09-10T01:58:00.000-07:00

Evening all,

Easton's paid us a visit on Saturday for arguably the most eagerly awaited return fixture of the season (see blog entry of 11th July for the full back-story). It was meant to be a 1pm start but there must have been a Bretty-esy miscommunication as they eventually tipped up closer to 2pm - with a noticeably stronger side than when we played them in July which might be taken as a sign of them being 'up for it'. I lost the toss and Chris (is it safe?) their dentist-captain inserted us on a pretty good track, which suited me fine.

We scored well from the first 5-6 overs with their pacy bowlers having very little control. High-speed canteen bowling you could call it. But they started to pin us back and with Steve and The Chair getting zip and Bomber and Andy out relatively cheaply we were struggling on 80-odd off 20 overs.

Enter J Halls. Now, Eastons should have known what was coming as Jamie had hit on super six over the pavilion at their ground, but even we were surprised at what followed. 125 not out, sir!Off about 80 balls. Including 3 consecutive sixes off Chris (is it safe? - err not if you bowl like that mate). Very well done to J for his maiden century and for hitting Chris for 24 off one over. By this time Ali had played a more than useful supporting role, scoring a half century, and I was now at the crease trying not to laugh as Jamie smacked the ball miles over the trees.

"How many balls you got left?" I asked Chris

"two more" he replied

"I wish it were more" said I

After thanking Chris for his over (and receiving a one fingered salute for my trouble) the fielding team then continued the good natured ribbing of their vice-Captain. 258 for 9. Oh, and did I mention Jamie was dropped 3 times, the first one a simple c&b chance when he was on zero. Surely it couldn't get any better?

Oh yes it could. We had a quick tea and I got (most) of the team in a huddle before their batters came out, reminding them how we felt when denied a win at their place, making sure we kept encouraging our bowlers and to keep lively. After 9 overs they were 22 for 7! How much fun is this? The Chair took 4 for 9 off 5 overs and Steve 3 for practically nothing off 4 overs. Ed had gone off injured in the first over with a strained foot, but other than that it was going better than we could have dreamed. It was one of those days when the bowlers put it in the spot and the batters did the rest. My highlight was Jamie's one handed catch at slip (his weaker left hand, naturally) - he was having that kind of day. And Chris (him again) got a duck - his first of the season....

To make it a contest I changed the bowling and the final 3 wickets went down (me, JW and Paul got a wicket apiece) and they managed 77 in total. It would have been under 50 if Jamie had bowled, but hey, village cricket and all that.

So, a 200 run victory when we were only 80 for 4 off 20 overs. Question: is this adequate revenge for being denied victory at their place due to an outrageous umpire decision? Yessir. And its victory number 7 for the Sat XI - not that I like to keep count or anything. I know what I'm doing.

Man of the Match: Take a guess

Champagne Moment: Jamie's maiden century (and any of the 6 sixes he smacked over the trees)

Mug of the match: the entire Eastons fielding team - 7 dropped catches in total. Thanks fellas

And Jamie did the tea as well - many thanks for that - it was his day all round.

Well done to Ed for hobbling back on the field and taking a good catch at mid-wicket to dismiss the miserable git who bowled full pelt at him when he was batting. Another revenge story. Nice one kiddo.

Next week IT IS A 1PM START AT THE GROUND! Opposition tbc - I'll call Bretty this week and make sure he tells the visiting team. The team for next Sat is:

Ali

Bretty (assuming his flu has gone away)

Charlie

Jamie

Patrick

Panther

Ed

Preecher

JW

Angus

A N other

See you next Sat. Till then, bask in the glory.

Preecherman

Help! Help! Here Come the Bairds!

2007-08-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

In the wonderland zoo...

There's not much to do...

Hello everyone,

September already - where has the season gone? It seems like only yesterday we were taking part in practise nets ahead of the Dunmow game. But the early conker shells on the ground and a 1.30pm start are tell-tale signs. Only a hand full of games to go in a (vein) attempt to raise my batting average and get 30+ wickets. Not that I keep count or anything.

To lift the autumnal gloom we welcome Bairds to The Park. What a great bunch they are - Alan: their 67 year old vice captain, Sonu: their friendly all-rounder, Dave: their wicket keeper, et al. It's a pity they have "gone league" and that this is their only end-of-season visit to Canfield (we normally play them twice). As good a bunch as you'll meet and always extremely sporting and encouraging to our youngsters, I recall their opening bat retired after his century last year (Lindsell's Angus please take note). My second favourite team behind the Tawney Boys. Should be good.

I called heads and "inserted" - it looked a particularly good track (thanks Jamie) but conditions would favour swing bowling (thanks Jamie). So not a suprise to see Alan bowled middle stump first ball (thanks Jamie). Without any of their bats really smacking it about and building an innings, Bairds still got a reasonable 219 all out. Why? Perhaps it was the 55 extras we gave them. Mr Bye-Wide was their top scorer. Modesty forbides but after last week's dire performance the spinning skipper took 3 wickets, including the dangerous Sonu for a duck. Well bowled Jamie and The Chair and good to see Paul and JW grab a wicket - just reward for some bad luck of late. Also well done Hepburn Minor (aka Matthew) for his two overs and overcoming the handicap of being stung by a wasp mid-delivery.

We won with 5 overs to spare with only 4 wickets down. Can you believe they bowled nearly as many byes as us? Sonu was having a shocker, apparently it was reverse swinging too much!The Chair capped a good all round display with an unbeaten half century to go with Ali's 40-odd and a great cameo from Jamie at the end.

So, victory number 6 and 32 wickets for the season for the skip'. Happy days.

Man of the Match: The Chair

Champagne Moment: Jamie's first ball wicket

Mug of the match: Mr Bye-Wide

Special thanks to Paul and Lynda for stepping in at the last minute to provide tea.

Next week we are at home to Eastons (big game this). Remember how close we came at their place? Remember THAT umpiring decision? We owe them big time. Next Sat is a 1pm start.

And finally, as the season draws to its inevitable end, the Captain's thoughts drift inescapably to nominations for player and most improved player of the year. Whilst this a club as opposed to a team award and at the discretion of the committee, as Captain I am certainly free to air my personal ideas and to canvas opinion. I decided on my personal pick for player of the year some time ago and will lobby hard for said individual. Most improved player is harder. Do you go for someone who was plain awful and is now just incompetent or someone who was average and is now good? And what about the juniors? My mind is yet to be made up on this one. Feel free to share your ideas,

There will, however, be some "unofficial" awards announced on Monday 24th September after our penultimate game of the season - for the Sat XI. Categories are tbc but are likely to include:

1. Best Tea Provider (Paul/Lynda Lucas ahead on points)

2. Best game-induced accident or injury (could be the JW/Bomber collision, Ben Davies's broken collar bone, Ali's pulled muscle, Steve's pulled calf, Preecherman's bruised ego, etc)

3. Performance of the season (a category I will not be troubling)

4. Season's champagne moment (Andy's catch against Flitch Pilgrims will take some beating)

And so on. All ideas welcome.

Thanks to Angus, Bretty, the Chair et al for the ongoing "their spinners are turning it miles, Skip" banter. I shall rise above such ribbing and re-direct you all to the end of year bowling stats. I thank you.

See you next Saturday.

Preecherman

Skipper in a Spin

2007-08-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

Ola,

I pen this weeks blog having missed the past two matches whilst holidaying in sunny Cadiz (SW Spain) - the melanoma capital of the Med'. I'm not a big fan of summer holidays and tend to take work and the now obligatory Blackberry with me. And something always happens whilst away from the shop - every year and without fail. This time, Charlotte, my MD phoned to say our Financial Director had resigned. If this isn't aggro enough I then hear that the team selection shenanigans this past fortnight have been down to me - whilst out of the country. Blame the absent captain why don't you.

Can't say I was too sad to have missed the Lindsell game, but well bowled chaps! Ha-ha. You clearly missed your leg spinner - or so I thought. All I have heard since my return is how much turn the part-time spinners got in the following game against Hainault (where you had 12 players - well done Angus). Bomber, Harry and Bretty all turning it miles apparently. Hmm. There's only one King of Spain -time to reclaim my crown.

So against Bishop Stortford U10s on Saturday (okay u15s+colts+others) I deliberately let every other bowler go first. Then, in the last few overs with out attack clearly struggling, I'll put myself on and bowl 3-4 overs, snare as many wickets and nonchalantly glide off the park exchanging knowing glances to our part-timers. It never worked out like that.

Stortford won the toss and elected to bat on a drying pitch, which was fine by me. Their young and very pleasant team notched up 191. Well done Charley Potter for (finally) grasping the principles of control and off a shorter run-up got 3 well earned wickets and a catch off Ali. Well played. Jamie got 2 wickets and Steve bowled a very accurate and clever spell and was rewarded by a wicket courtesy of Johhny Slowman's catch at cover. And Robert Halls got another wicket! But there were still a few wickets remaining, so hail the return of the King of Spain. I bowled like a prat and from the wrong end at a time when they were hitting out. Serves me right. I was particularly impressed by my first ball that (honestly) stuck to my hand as I delivered it only to see it bounce 2 feet down the pitch... I never recovered. That's the real reason I hate holidays. Lack of practise you see...

Canfield won at a canter by 5 wickets with 6 overs in hand, thanks to Andy D's brilliant 102 no. And I just know what the rest of the team were thinking when I was batting with Andy. Fellas -it was always in hand. I could do the math (GCSE A*). Well done Andy\-\the skipper helped him home.

So let the record show a winning return for the Captain and a 5th victory of the season, with us all resplendent in our new shirts and club caps.

Man of the match: Andy Davies

Mug of the match: The Skipper

Thanks to Potter junior (and Mary for lending the lad a hand) for doing tea.

Now some house notices. Congratulations to Jonnny Slowman and Pat Hepburn on their A levels and for getting into their 1st choice uni's. We wish them well as they fly the nest. Well done to Mitch Cooper for his AS level results and also to Verity Priest for passing her GCSEs. I owe her a lot of money.

Next week we entertain Bairds at home, 1.30pm start please.

Right, back to my my holiday iPod selections. Any Johnny Cash fans?

six foot six

he stood on the ground

he weighed two hundred and thirty five pounds

but I saw that giant of a bat brought down

to his knees by ... spin

he was the kind of bat that would gamble on luck

look you in the eye and never back up

but I saw him crying like a little whipped pup

by the power of ...spin

you cant pick it with your eyes

back of the hand

take your world

and turn it all around

every since time nothings ever been found

that stronger than...spin

(Thing Called Love, J. Cash, J. Cash Records - with usual apologies)

Leave spinning to the experts.

See you next week.

Preecher.

Heroes - Just for One Day

2007-08-03T04:49:00.000-07:00

First things first. On behalf of everyone at the club, congratulations to Andy and Claudie Davies on their marriage last Thursday and for throwing a jolly excellent bash in nearby Margaret Roding, which a few lucky Canfield regulars were able to attend. Andy was beaming and Claudie looked radiant - good luck to you both. How he was able to negotiate playing 48 hours after his wedding is anyone's guess, but well played sir. Start as you mean to go on and all that.

After the reception I settled down to watch Heroes on Sky+. It's BBC2's smash hit of the summer; a drama about a dozen or so regular joe's who, after a solar eclipse, find they have supa-dupa powers. Like being able to stop time, flying, being indestructible, that sort of thing. Not like the Spideman movies you understand, more like Dr Who meets 24.

Something similar happened on Saturday. With the sun shining (no eclipse exactly) the 11 Canfield Saturday players started to play like super cricketing heroes and ended up winning the perfect game. What are the ingredients for a perfect game? I have ten ingredients - can you add to the following list...?

1. Lovely cricketing weather (warm sunshine) - tick

2. Winning the toss - tick

3. Batting first on a good track and scoring our highest total of the season - tick

4. A maiden century for our opening bat - tick

5. Putting on 150 for the first wicket - tick

6. Our main strike bowler getting a hat-trick - tick

7. Three out-of-this-world catches - tick

8. A great cameo from our guest player who gets injured in the process - tick

9. A bit of controversy at the wicket - tick

10. A thumping win over a rival team - tickety boo

We could dedicate a whole blog to any one of these themes - it was that kind of game. A perfect game. And against our (friendly) rivals, Sampfords, who we beat at their place only a month ago? Very good, very good indeed.

Sampfords tipped up with a noticeably different side from last month. Steve their skipper said it had been a struggle for them to field a full strength side, but don't believe it. They looked up for it to me. Okay, so Alex their South African bowler was absent but their batters looked as keen as ever. Thing is, they (claimed) only to have 4 bowlers, so could we have unlimited bowling please Jon? Sure they could. In that heat? Speaking from personal experience bowlers are never the best judges of when to "take a breather" ("taking a breather" is what Captains say, but which usually means "get off now before I beat you to death with a cricket stump") and, after 8 overs or so, the Sampford's attack were going to get very ragged. And that's exactly what happened as our openers picked them off. Be careful what you wish for.

When the pound coin came down heads I just smiled at Steve who bowed his head. He knew it was going to be a struggle on that track, with a lightening outfield (thanks Bretty) and 30- degree heat. Thing is, we started at a snails pace, scoring 37 off 11 overs. Then Bomber and Ali got their game faces on just...... as their bowlers started to tire. But did they change the bowlers? No sir...

Bomber scored 119 to earn his first ever century of any kind. Well done mate - you looked as fresh at the end of the innings as when you started. Well almost. Ali got 70-odd, another good score. Andy Davies, obviously suffering from the shock of marriage, got a duck, and was followed to the crease by his brother Ben, who hadn't played for 10 years. Ben of course, could play, as his quick fire 50 showed. 278 for 4 off 40 overs. Chase that Sampfords.

And to be fair they gave it a damn good go, and were ahead of the required rate after 10 overs before I asked Charley and Paul Lucas to "take a breather". We needed to get their openers out and, not for the first time this season, I sacrificed my own personal economy rate in order to get a break-through wicket, which resulted in two fabulous catches, one low down from Ben at deep square leg, the other a juggled piece of heroe-ship from Panther at deep mid-wicket. Jamie was the next hero; wicket one was an edge. Gregg, the Sampford's deputy capt. didn't walk. The umpire half-raised his finger. "I'm not walking" insisted Gregg - perhaps a throwback to a borderline decision in Bomber's favour earlier in our innings. "I thought you hit it" said the umpire. "So is he out" we enquired?, "err, yes he is" said their umpire. Gregg tramped off. This was followed next over by Jamie's hat-trick. Bloody marvelous mate, esp as Ryan Webster (the Sampfords' 'keeper who had a SHOCKER behind the stumps) was out first ball, but to a no ball. So Jamie bowled him out again, first ball proper this time. From 100-0 they were now 7-down, including a run out (again courtesy of Jamie). I got two more wickets, leaving us 16 overs to get the last wicket with Sampfords nowhere in sight.

Just like the big mummy T-Rex in Jurassic Park (3) - who encourages her offspring to tear apart a victim for the first time as she looks on approvingly - so I bought Paul and JW on to finish them off, JW eventually taking a good sized bite out of the batsman, thanks to Bomber's diving catch at cover. Seeing the last two batsman struggle in vein to hold on... well. you shouldn't laugh but hey, why not?

At around the 5th wicket mark Ben, Andy's brother broke his collar bone diving on the square to stop a certain boundary. He just walked off, went to A&E, came back an hour later with his arm in a sling and a pint of Fosters (what else) in the other hand saying how much he'd enjoyed it and can he play next season please? What a top man! Another Canfield hero.

So let's re-cap: A sunny day, a thumping win, a centurion, a hat-trick, a bit of argie-bargie, a great cameo from a very welcome guest, and a broken bone or two. And thanks to Panther and Tina for providing a great tea (the egg sandwiches were, as Ali would say, spot on).

But don't let this go to your heads. I'm now on hols and will miss the next 2 games (home to Lyndsell and then home to Stebbing). I expect you to keep up the momentum. Angus will be in charge - so don't take any liberties with his kind nature! And I am relying on Paul Lucas to email me the results and a match report (thanks for the photo by the way Paul). So no Captain's blog for a couple of weeks.

Thanks everyone for a truly great game.

Men of the match: Bomber and Jamie and Ben

Champagne moment: Jamie's hat-trick ball

Tough guy moment: Ben's cracked collar bone

We are Canfield. See you in a fortnight.

Preecher

Crimes and Misdemeanors

2007-07-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

Last week was a bad week. They say things come in three's. Well that's as maybe - but not three near identical things, each one following the other surely? I have been a victim of crime x 3; a robbery, attempted burglary and a smash and grab.

On Friday, some hooded crack-head type nipped into MY office and whipped the laptop off MY desk whilst I was at lunch, the cheeky b*stard. And it had my batting and bowling averages on it - so nothing valuable then. On Friday night I noticed the ground floor room I use as my home office had one of the window locks missing, jemmied from the outside. They must have been scared off by something and no, not by my bowling averages thank you. One cricket-stats gag per blog is quite enough. Then on Saturday I was the victim of an outrageous smash and grab as S.T.A.R.T (Stapleford Tawney And Red Triangle) ruined our unbeaten home record with 3 balls of their innings left and us only requiring another wicket to ensure victory.

Oh and I almost forgot - someone nicked the badge off the bonnet of my Aston Martin as well.

But the real crime was on the pitch. We lost because we (I) under-estimated the opposition. The incomparable (and very vocal) Will Beagles and Andy Law taught us a lesson. They only had 6 players when they took their fiddling positions, so Bomber and Steve kindly volunteered to help out whilst the rest of their team inched up the M11 thanks to some Scout jamboree or suchlike. Will won the toss and put us in just so his team might have a bat - they were that weak (he said). I fell for the trap and altered the batting line up putting Angus and Paul well up the order and Steve (who was on tea duty) at number 11. No-one really got going and we made 183 and (cardinal sin this) failed to bat out our over allocation. Well done to Gus for his Canfield all-time high score of 30 and also to Jamie for top scoring but our better batters didn't and we were 30-40 runs shy. And well done to Ali for hitting the ball right at square leg when they only had one fielder on the on-side. Such precision.

Of course by now the rest of their team had tipped up (making 10 in total). We had a go after tea and Jamie's 4-21 off 10 overs was again the pick of the bowlers. Put they kept up with or just below the rate and moved up a gear when Jamie came off. I got two hard-earned wickets but the one we wanted, Dell their number 4 bat, played himself in and only gave one chance that Ali was unfortunate to put down at long on. With one over left they needed 2 runs to win and Will (fittingly) knocked them off with 3 balls left. Well done sir.

A great game played in a fun but competitive spirit, it was a shame to lose but well done to S.T.A.R.T for W.I.N.N.I.N.G. What a nice bunch they all are.

So, team-mates, what have we all learned from this?

1. Don't underestimate the opposition
2. Don't expect the tail to make up runs the top order should have knocked off
3. Don't bowl short on our wicket
4. Unless your Jamie, taking the pace off the ball will do wonders

Between you, me and this blog I was a bit hacked off by the end. My mood would have been lifted if Steve would have moved around the field when requested.And the next ex-Captain to tell me where to field will have his own dedicated blog entry. I consider this suitable punishment for such misdemeanors. Enough said.

On Saturday we are at home to Sampfords who will be out for revenge. I have but one thing to say:

GET 'EM IN THE HOLE!

I love you all really.

Preecher

You Are The Umpire

2007-07-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

Recently, Ruth and I have been taking The Observer in place of our usual Times/Mail on Sunday combo. I can recommend The Observer's Review section most highly. But I turn first to the Extra Time bit of the sports supplement in order to test Ed on "You Are The Umpire", a cricket cartoon scripted by John Holder and Paul Trevillion, where three most unusual cricketing conundrums are posed to readers every week, who then ask what your decision as umpire would be if, say, a streaker ran on and knocked off the bails with his knackers, etc.

Here's a very recent example:

"During a recent village match between two rival teams the visiting team are well placed for victory requiring only the last wicket. With the penultimate ball of the game the ball strikes the batsman's pad in line with middle and off, with the batsman still planted in his crease. As the umpire is also playing for the home side do you...?

a) Look away semi-embarrassed

b) Give the correct 'out' decision and incur the wrath of Chris, your larger than life Captain and your team mates

Welcome to Eastons v Canfield Sat XI. Good grief. A tough game against fancied opposition this match has all the ingredients of a classic: Local rivalry - personified by Chris their skipper/opening bowler/batter/dentist, Toby their quick (but unpredictable) opening paceman who used to play for Canfield last year and who dumped us and my daughter last summer (not that this will count against him. Much), plus two of our regulars Steve and Bomber live in the village so there are local bragging rights at stake. And then there's 'that pitch'. Rumour has it vandals got into the ground before the start of the season and dug up the square causing £250 worth of improvements...

They're a friendly enough bunch and Chris is quite the gent away from cricket. But he does suffer from temporary insanity on it. Who can forget him throwing his bat across the square when he was bowled out last year attempting to come down the pitch to yours truly? Or providing an acid running commentary when playing? Or yelling at his own team mates? Or sitting on a chair in our pavilion and breaking it? I wonder what kind of mood we shall find him in today?

Subdued is the mood of the day. They only have 9 players and need to borrow a fielder (the number of Canfield volunteers being zero) and Canfield are nursing god almighty hangovers due to Friday's end of cricket week beerfest. So we're kind of even. We have a range of hangover cures: Angus went clay pigeon shooting this morning to clear his headache (?), Steve our consultant surgeon says he injects himself with a litre of saline solution which does the trick, Bretty prefers a can of warm Carlsberg in the dressing room and Ali opts for a 5am skinny dip in my pool. Me? Red Bull and 4 Nurofen.

We lose the toss and Chris sticks us in for a timed game. I still don't really understand this, but it's about the same as 40 overs (so long as both teams bowl at a faster over rate than the West Indies) and a draw is a possibility.

Ali gets a good half century and with Bomber, Andy, Jamie et all all contributing we post 18o which on that pitch and slow outfield is a very good knock and Eastons know it. Remember they knocked us over for 80-odd last year. Now we are in the box seat.

Ed opened the bowling and his 0-7 off 4 overs kept them pegged back. With Jamie bowling up the hill it was my Sampfords MkII plan. After 12 overs they were well behind the rate but we needed wickets. I came on as the sacrificial lamb and got Chris out courtesy of Bomber's catch at extra cover (disappointingly their were no tantrums this time).

The Ali came on and took 6-17 bowling wonderful seam up deliveries down the hill. A great effort mate - this is ample payment for the brandy glasses that got smashed at our place in the early hours. I particularly enjoyed Toby getting a golden (ah - sweet revenge) and texted Verity as soon as the match ended.

With two overs to go we couldn't quite manage the last wicket. Well, we could, it's just the umpire never game it. So, a winning draw but it could have been all the more sweeter. But a lot better than last year.

Man of the Match: Ali for his 6-17 and half century. A great effort in his hungover state

Champagne Moment: Jamie smacking a 6 off Chris right over the pavilion. Lovely

I think we are on a roll. We have not looked like losing for a while and with a bit more luck would now have 5 wins, not 3. I put our form down to better bowling all round this season (myself excluded) and tighter fielding. And when we bat out the overs we always have a chance. From a Captains perspective everyone again contributed, got a game and enjoyed competing. I'm more relaxed on the field of play than when I started and are beginning to understand the individual nuances and strengths/weaknesses of team members. So its all good.

On a related note I thought you'd all like to know that Ed got a hat-trick playing for Dunmow against Nazeing Common on Sunday and also well done to young Robert Halls for getting his first wicket playing for Canfield on Sunday. Well done to you both.

Next week we have a home game against a conference side TBC. Bretty will let me know on Tuesday when we have our committee meeting. I will see you all at the ground at 2pm for a 2.3o pm start.

Increase the peace.

Preecher

Sampford Lose Thriller

2007-07-05T03:48:00.000-07:00

A dreaded sunny day
So lets go we're we happy
And I'll meet you at Sampfords estate
Oh Alec the bowler is on your side

A dreaded sunny day
So lets go where we're wanted
And I'll meet you at the Sampford estate
Oh Alec the bowler is on your side
But you lose
Coz Jamie Halls is on mine

(Cemetery Gates, Morrisey & Marr - with apologies)

Sampfords Away. It's one of those matches you instinctively look for when the fixture booklet gets circulated around the club. Along with Eastons, and to a lesser extent, Lyndesll, Sampfords are one of Canfield's Sat XI 'rival teams'. Having never actually played them I don't really know the derivation for this supposed friendly rivalry. In truth, its probably because they're better than us, as their regular thrashings of Canfield illustrate (they bowled us out for 60-odd last year). But I see as I find and I approach the game with an open mind, and just to be sure, the strongest team I could muster. It would be nice to give 'em a game. I have phoned selected players ahead of this fixture telling them to 'be up for it'.

In the winter months I help out with the Thaxted Rangers U14 youth football team. Indeed my company, SPA (http://www.spa-mr.com/) has sponsored the players since they were U10s. Young Ryan Webster is their goalie. He also keeps wicket for Sampfords. I will be expecting some banter when I go into bat...

Our XI was as follows:

Bretty (in the pub before the game)

Andy D (late - as usual)

Jamie

Clint (late due to 'problems with bees....' don't ask)

Steve

Paul Halls

PoB

Preecher

Ed

Angus

Ali

Even without Bomber (who was rested) and Mike it's a fairly strong line up. Jamie is in top form at the moment, esp with the ball and his uncle Paul bowled very well last Sunday on his return from injury. And we have the batters to get some numbers on the board. And with no game last Saturday we are all rested and raring to go.

I won the toss and elected to bat. The pitch was dead. And the outfield hadn't been cut in 5 days (much to Bretty's irritation). It's a win/lose game with no limit on the bowlers. I agreed. Alec, Sampfords opening bowler then proceeded to bowl 13 overs straight on a perfect line and length, nipping the ball back down the slop. No wonder they didn't want any bowler limitations! We made 152 in 40 overs which was a good score given the conditions and well done to Clint for his 47. And yes, young Ryan their 'keeper stumped me as I faced their leg spinner. Time for tea.

I put Jamie and Paul Halls on for a reason. Anything Sampfords can do we can do better. Jamie, off a 3 pace run-up, could bowl all day. His 13 overs for 19 runs with one wicket was utterly fantastic bowling. Their openers couldn't get him away and they soon fell way behind the required rate. At the other end, Paul was tempting them and they soon hit out and Paul got two early wickets. I came on at Paul's end, then swapped ends to give Jamie a rest and snared their other opener. With Ali now bowling at the other end the wickets kept falling. Steve came on and pegged their big hitting Captain back. Then another (some might say inspired) bowling change saw Clint take over from Steve and get 2 wickets in his first over, both catches to Ali at square leg. Jamie came back on to take the last wicket. Canfield had won by 14 runs with 3 overs remaining. Joy.

This was Canfield's best team performance of the season. We fielded very well (two run outs thanks to Jamie and Ali) and looked sharp all day. The bowlers all played their part and we kept up the pressure and held our nerve towards the end. But we did this all with a smile on our faces. I couldn't have been more proud.

Sampfords were good losers and we were gracious winners. They laid on a great tea and were a warm and welcoming side and I look forward to hosting them in August. Rivals? I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Man of the match: Jamie for outstanding bowling
Champagne moment: Ali's catch to get their Captain out off Clint's 3rd ball

Personally, this was my best match as captain. The bowling changes worked and I had no hesitation in pulling myself off as soon as I got expensive. Its a team game and we all showed that in abundance. You laso have to prepared to try things and take risks. I'm learning that.

Next Saturday we are away to our great rivals, Eastons, who have recently beat Lyndsel and Sampfords. And their pitch is a SHOCKER. But do you know what, I couldn't be more confident.

Lets do it. Chris, the Eastons Captain, be afraid. Be very afraid.

I love you all dearly.

Preecherman

Tribute Blog: President's XI v Chairman's XI Commemorative Match

2007-07-02T02:24:00.000-07:00

It's 10.30am on Sunday, 1st July. I'm standing in the middle of the Canfield square with Bretty and Stuart Hepburn, looking at the pitch, then the sky towards the west, then back to the pitch. After Saturday (and most of June come to that) the pitch is wet. The forecast for late afternoon is favourable however and, after after all, today is a special day; the official opening of the Halls Pavilion. Hell and high water won't stop it (well, the high water is a possibility if we get more rain). But we have do do something and we have to make a decision. GAME ON!

It's 12.30pm and half of the Chairman's XI are in the bar. Bretty is defying the smoking ban defending himself with the time-honoured and insightful "bollocks" counter-argument. He'd make quite an advocate ("Your honour, I put it to you that the outrageous charges against my client are bollocks. The defence rests".) I sense safety in numbers and join him. Barry Claydon's President's XI turn up to warm welcomes and hand-shakes. It has been decided to get as much beer down Barry's neck as possible to present the Chairman's XI with a fighting chance. It starts to rain.... then stops. Phew.

It's 1.15pm and we take the field. Our Chairman has stuck them in. A good decision - it's a sticky wicket that will start to dry out as the game progresses. They make 160 -9 which is not too far off par given the pitch and wet outfield. Befitting the opening of the Halls Pavilion, Jamie and Paul Halls take 4 wickets apiece with a mix of quick seam bowling and dazzling spin. Its going to be a Halls day all round with Mary watching from the pavilion and the late Brian Halls watching from above. Stuart gets the final wicket - well done Mr Chairman. We have all fielded very well.

It's 3.45pm and tea is in full flow. It's a splendid affair of scones, cakes, baps and biscuits. Mind you, there is something terribly 'maternal' about women taking their turn in the pavilion kitchen. When its their tea turn day its very much their domain. Other women, Alison Hepburn a notable inclusion, beware!

It's 4.15pm and Bretty is facing the first ball of our innings. It's a long-ish hop dispatched in the air to deep extra over. Ed my 13 year old son is fielding at deep extra cover. It's coming sharp-ish. The balls sticks in his hands like Velcro. For 5 seconds no-one says or does anything. Then pandemonium as the fielding side rush to high-5 him, realising that their lovable nemesis has got a golden duck, caught by A Small Boy. Ed has been told by Angus and Bretty to smile more when on the field of play. Well he can't smile wide enough now. Bretty comes back and does the only man-ly thing possible - start the bar-b-que. Ed spends the rest of the match beaming. I am a proud dad.

The Chair's XI battle it out keeping up with the run rate, largely due to Jonny Slowman's long awaited return to the Canfield fold. But we lose wickets and Trev has to go off with a chest pain (I spoke to him this morning and all seems well - just thought you'd like to know). I give Jamie out LBW 2nd ball. It's plum mate, but did he get the merest of bats on it first? His expression clearly thinks so. He tells me in afterwards not to worry and that he won't hate me for it. I am relieved. Then our Chairman is given out by Canfield old boy Simon Noakes attempting a single when MILES IN. Dearie me. My turn to go in. Now, to quote Marlon Brando from the Godfather Part 2 "I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them; they speak when they should listen". With this in mind Ed is immediately bought back into the attack having told Barry and Bondy that he's on double pocket money if he gets me out. I owe Ed 5 weeks worth so there's serious money at stake. I receive what Nas Hussain might call "a lot of chirping"

"Come on Ed, get your bunny out"

"Let's have him"

"You dad doesn't bat as straight as you"

And so on.

He bowls spin. He NEVER bowls spin! I edge it to 1st slip who holds it; then fumbles it; then holds it in one hand; then (finally) drops it. Ed is beside himself.

The Chairman's XI fall a little shy of the required runs - even with 12 players - but it matters not. It's been a great match and the sun has been out for hours, just as our Chairman predicted.

It's 6.30pm and the opening ceremony is taking place. Alan Lillee, a playing compatriot of G. Gooch at Essex has come along to be master of ceremonies. He's full of praise for Canfield, our ground, the pitch, and new pavilion. I'm feeling especially proud to be involved with Canfield CC right now. Pommy says a few words of thanks and presents Roger Simons with a commissioned painting of the new Halls Pavilion as a gesture of the club's very great thanks and also two commemorative plaques which will be mounted inside, to go with the Essex CCC plaque Alan Lillee has presented to Pommy. The ribbon is cut (twice) and we're officially open.

It's 7.10pm and everyone who has turned up - players old and new, family, friends, people from the village and guests are enjoying the free bar-b-que (thanks again to Roger for the free grub) and beers. Everywhere kids are mucking about with rugby balls, playing in the nets, chasing dogs and having a high old time. Small groups are chatting about what a great day it has been and how Brian Halls would have approved. It's a glorious evening.

It's 7pm on Friday 18th May 2005. Jonathan Clarke has just asked me if I fancy playing for Great Canfield. "Oh, I don't think so"I say. "Not really my thing". Just goes to show how wrong you can be.

Fear not, Captain's blog will return next week with it's usual blend of sarcasm, cynical observation, winding-up of the opposition and self-criticism.

But not today.

Preecherman

Wet Wet Wet

2007-06-30T23:39:00.001-07:00

Realistically there was no way we were going to see any cricket on Saturday despite hopeful and regular glances to the west in a vein attempt to wish away the low, leaden cloud; it just got greyer. Then the rain started at 10.00am, slowly at first and then more consistent. I checked with Bretty and Jamie and suggested we give it 'till midday. By 11.15 I called PoB to tell him it was off and to put back the cricket tea perishables in his Waitrose trolley. Disappointing.

I thought about the need for some kind of perspective. Reasons to be cheerful: 1,2,3....

1. We have at least already played Dunmow at home. This fixture is in many ways a re-run mid season of our first game. And that was a great day with the sun shining (in April!) and we don't want anything detracting from that - like losing in the rain. We also played Dunmow in the 20:20 last Friday so we have seen plenty of our cricketing neighbours recently, thank you.

2. We could all be under 3 foot of water like those poor souls on the news. Perhaps west Essex is getting off comparatively lightly.

3. There's always tomorrow. On Sunday we have scheduled a Chairmans v Presidents match to honour the formal opening of the new pavilion. Better the Saturday game is cancelled than this one-off special between Stuart Hepburn's team and Pommy's select 11. I write this blog entry at 7.30am on Sunday and the skies are definitely brighter and blue-er with no rain. It is damp, but, perhaps if no more rain falls, we can play some cricket this afternoon.

Next Saturday we are away to Sampfords. It's down as a 2.30pm start but try and get there before 2pm. If, like me, you dont know how to get there I'll send over some directions. Ali - if your reading this on holiday, you're in. Same for Bomber, Clint and Mike. Sampfords, eh? Curiously I've never played them - always been working or on hols. But am I correct in recalling that we got thumped last season at their place? Not this time. I fancy us for our first away win in years, and a comfortable win at that.

Okay boys, you've had a rest this weekend so your mind and body should be fresh for this big game next Saturday. And missing a game will make us all that little bit more hungry. Sampfords had better watch out.

See you all next week, weather permitting.

Preecherman.

A Bridge Too Far

2007-06-25T01:01:00.000-07:00

Accidents will happen whenever Abridge pay us a visit. Last year one of their number was hit smack on the nut by his own fielder returning the ball to the bowlers end. Cue ice, recovery position and his Dad whisking him away to Harlow General A&E where a 3 1/2 hour wait followed. A broken cheek bone was the diagnosis.

Edward bowled a slower delivery on Saturday. The batsman hoiked it towards the mid wicket boundary where JW and Bomber were lurking. At this stage is 70:30 JW's ball. Bomber is moving quickly from square-ish leg. 60:40. MINE! yells Bomber. JW continue to follow the ball. 50:50. The rest writes itself. True to Newton's 2nd law about force = mass x velocity JW is polaxed. Bomber is also on the ground. So is the ball, nestled between them. Great Canfield meets the Keystone Cops. Okay its not that funny but it did kind of sum up a comedy of errors sort of day. For those with a weak constitution look away now.

It was tough getting a team due to injury (Mike is on painkillers due to knackering his neck and shoulder last Sunday, Andy Goodwin has a badly cut hand) illness (Andy Davis got a virus or food poisoning ruling him out of this game and the 20:20 played on Friday against Dunmow - which we lost), holidays (Ali on some kind of gastro-sailing holiday to Amsterdam, Steve had taken the kids to Thorpe Park) and work (Bretty, Brucie, et al). So we were done to 9 and that included Ed, his mate Nick Coupe and young Tom Pierson making his debut. Angus got Andy and Tim to guest at short notice so we had 11 but it was not our strongest line-up, esp in the batting/bowling/fielding depts. Abridge had their A Team out. Joy.

I won the toss and put them in on the basis that everyone making the effort to turn out for Canfield would at least get a bat. They made 302 for 4 in 39 overs and smacked us all over the park. Tim bowled very well without any luck and well done to young Nick Coupe for his 2-33 off 4 overs. I got the other two wickets, including their larger-than-life skipper John first ball with probably my best delivery of the season. We needed something to save us. There was no way our batting line up would survive 20 overs let alone 40.

Thank the lord for the rain. Just before tea it started (Canfield had missed all the rain in the morning) so we came off an over early. Then the heavens opened. For over an hour - the wicket was actually flooded at one stage and Paul took some snaps for prosperity. It thundered, it lightening-ed, it hailed. Match abandoned. Bad luck Abridge. We still have out unbeaten record at home.

Canfield Man of the Match: Angus - for great 'keeping all day. Our bowlers (me included) ought to be very grateful considering the amount of legside rubbish he has to deal with at the moment.

Champagne Moment: My delivery to snare John their Captain first ball.

Keystone Cops Moment: JW and Bomber's bumps-a-daisy

Pre-Match Quote: Angus "It'll be sunny like this ALL AFTERNOON....."

Thanks to Ruth for standing in at the 12th hour to do tea when no-one else could. I think it is PoB's turn next Saturday (home vs Dunmow, 2pm for a 2.30 start) can someone tell Patrick please? Thanks also for Tim and Andy for helping us out and such short notice and sorry you never got a bat boys. Well done Tom P who bowled his 2 overs at the end very well (and returned better figures than Bomber!).

A note to all bowlers. There are 3 stumps. The space to the left (if bowling to a right hander) is outside off. That's were we should all try and aim. The bit on the right is 'down leg side'. Avoid bowling there when we have a short legside boundary to defend. And lets all try to pitch it up? Needless to say this advice applies to me as much as anyone. But come along now, enough is enough.

'till Saturday.

Preecherman

A Grand Day Oot

2007-06-17T04:45:00.000-07:00

This week's Captain's Blog is penned by guest blogster 'Yorkshire Dave', Captain of Rayleigh who were Canfield's visitors on Saturday. Preecherman is otherwise engaged rearranging his sock draw.

Eh up Canfield, Dave here. 'Twas smashing seeing all you folks again on Saturday. Eeeh it were a right grand day oot. (I don't think I'm going to be able keep this 3rd person Yorkshire narrative up for the whole blog but bear with it). Captain's Blog's post bag has been near brimming with letters this week in response to Preeherman's Chin Up Lyndsell posting. Here's a selection:

Dear Sirs

It has come to my attention that your so-called Captain's Blog of last week crossed that 'invisible line' between good natured banter and serious provocation. For the record my facical complexion is not beetroot or blackcurrant but a healthy dark teak honed from hours rolling the square. I will exact my revenge on the pitch when I guest for Dunmow against Canfield in Friday's 20:20 game. Any repeat of your outrageous comments and I will be forced to play the whole game in a balaclava.

Yours

Mr S. Niper, Lyndsell

O0h dearire, dearie me. Whatever has Preecherman been doing? I have to say that as visiting Captain I can vouch for Canfield's skipper as nothing if not polite and respectful... even for a shandy drinking soft southerner. Here's another letter

Dear Sirs

We have heard a lot about this thing called Captain's Blog. May we ask what a blog actually is, please?

Yours

Lyndsell CC

Certainly. In Yorkshire a blog is a rarely used cricketing term with two meanings 1) a shot to mid-wicket which is half block and half slog - blog. 2) a word used to describe a tall, bearded leg spinner who moans all the time (ooh - look at the bowler shouting at his own fielders, what a complete blog he is). I hope that helps you all, Lyndsell. Keep your chin up lads, eh?

Anyroad up, we at Rayleigh had a first class game against Canfield on Saturday. Your skip won a good toss and put you in. Despite bowling the first 10 overs tightly, we were down a couple of our usual openers and as our young attack tired, Ali (the funny one with the blue hat who serves behind the bar) and Andy smashed the ball all over t'ground. I'll tell thee somit, we thought they'd never stop scoring. In the end Ali reached his all time high score of 91 - a grand effort mate, well played lad - eventually being undone by our 12 year-old leggie (Dave - that is not going to make Ali feel any better). Andy hit a quick-fire 78 and with Steve Oakey chipping in with 20 and Bomber (eeh such a nice lad Bomber) 32 you lot notched up 276 in 40 overs in showers and sunshine. Well done Canfield. Bad luck to your guest bat Jeff who was out first ball - I guess Aussie grade cricket is not what it used to be! Head up son.

Post tea we showed true Yorkshire grit but were never really in with t'shout. I got a Boycott-esq 85 but the rest came and went. The wickets were shared between your bowlers with Ali, Charlie, Preecher, Steve, Will and young Ben Sully all contributing. In the end we held our nerve and with 200-odd for 8, you couldn't quite get us all out. What a super smashing game of cricket lads. We look forward to playing you again next season.

Right, black ones for work in one draw, sport socks (white) in another, leisure wear/casual next to the sport socks and all novelty socks (e.g. Christmas, Valentines Day, etc) nicely hidden away. Thanks to Dave for guesting this week and well done to his young team of first class cricketers who bowled well early doors and batted with considerable flair. Despite being a last minute conference pick last year I think they did more than enough to become a regular fixture. Dave told me Canfiled was the highlight of their season for the ground's splendor and for the welcome they get. That's nice to hear.

Man of the Match: Al - highest score ever and sooo close to that elusive 1st century. Top man

Champagne Moment: Me - for winning the toss !! (well, it was a good one to win...)

Thanks to Andy for tea and to Bretty and Jamie for ensuring the ground was playable and in top condition considering the weather.

It's a home match again next week vs Abridge. Hopefully we'll get a bit more sun than this weekend. But before then we have the 20:20 on Friday to deal with. I wonder if Sniper will remember me. Shall we play win-lose-draw?

Oh - I'm so naughty. Mind you, my old Maths teacher used to say I had a tendency to be 'difficult in the face of authority'. She should know, she's in Holloway Prison now doing life for a triple murder (seriously).

Go Go PowerRangers.

Right, pants drawer next...

Preeherman

Chin Up, Lyndsell!!!

2007-06-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Blog Time.

Your starter for 10; who remembers Gary Stanley? Anyone? Answer: one of Chelsea's 2nd division underachievers from the '70s. A hard working attacking midfielder with Keegan perm and chippy attitude to match. Gary works in the 'financial services' now but was spotted by a group of my mates at the Cup Final giving it large to the Man U fans. There is something both reassuring and unedifying about seeing an ex-pro behave like a fan's fan. At the final whistle when Chelsea had won 1-0 after extra time, there was our Gaz suited and booted goading the opposing fans thus: head up, nose in the air, flapping his hand under is chin yelling "Chin up, Mancs, chin up!" - a reference to the Red Devils failing to capture the double. "Chin Up" is the current provocative zeitgeist...

I thought about Gary on Saturday, when, with 15 overs of our innings left and millions of runs behind, the incomparable and beetroot-faced Sniper reminded me it was a win or lose match. Not so I said. Yes so, he insisted. Enter James their captain from deepish mid on. I then recounted what I had agreed with James about this being a win-lose-draw format and that, if the team chasing is not all out, it's a draw my old son. James looked sheepish and nodded his agreement. "My mistake, sorry chaps, should have checked". Sniper asked what format should we play then? Err, how about the one we started the match with Sniper, my old blackcurrant-headed friend? They WERE NOT PLEASED.

Chin Up, Lyndsell.

Their spin bowler mumbled something about bowling us all out and winning that way. Except of course, they couldn't get the final wicket.

Chin Up, Lyndsell.

Honestly, talk about a Captain not knowing what he was doing. They won the toss and, just like all those game before, they smacked the ball through the V passed the short downhill boundary time and again. In fact, I have it on good authority (I have my ex-wife to thank for this intel' - having come to watch Ed play) that they even had the audacity to go and look up the record books because they were convinced they would get their highest ever score. It never happened.

Chin Up, Lyndsell.

They got 303 - big deal. Ali got 3 wickets and I got a couple bowling a whole load better than in the past couple of games and I snared Sniper for the 2nd year in a row (Sniper is my bunny, Sniper is my bunny, la la la la). Paul was unlucky to remain wicket-less after a good and accurate spell and Ed bowled his 4 overs well and was also unlucky to see two difficult chances fail to go to hand. Well done us for all sticking with it and for a much better performance after drinks.

After we had had tea at Mrs Miggins tea shop/house it was our turn to reply. We started well scoring at 5+ an over till Bretty was run out via a direct hit by their Essex U13 wunderkid Jack Sneath (Sniper Jnr). Then Clint making his much awaited season's debut was out first ball. Ooops. Bomber made a gallant 40-odd but with 5 overs to go it was Ed's time to bat. He went out a boy and came back a hero, just like Harry last week. Ed scored two cracking boundaries and made 12 not out and, with PoB coming in as 11th man with 10 balls left they both saw us home for a fantastic draw. That's a DRAW, Lyndsell.

Chin Up, Lyndsell.

Credit to James their captain for coming over, shaking my hand, apologising for the confusion and saying well done to holding on. No credit at all to the rest of the Lyndsell team who couldn't bring themselves to clap off our last two players. Some of them might be mates/distant relations of Angus and Clint but I don't care. I now know why their one of our thee main rivals. They must have felt gutted. Ha bloody ha.

So a draw away at Lyndsell! Won't be saying that too often in the future. Still, only one defeat for the Sat XI and its mid June. As Captain, this was the game I enjoyed the most. I'm getting the hang of it.

Man of the Match: Ed - for batting under pressure, overcoming his nerves, and seeing us home

Moan of the match: Sniper 'but its MY ground!!!'

Mug of the match: James their Skip (sorry mate)

Exchange of the match: "They call me Sniper" said Sniper, as he showed off his impressive wicket. The call me The Preecherman, I said..

Sandwich of the match: The eggy ones at tea - yum

Next Sat we are at home to Rainham (or such-like) - 2pm start. We will start the game by singing the Canfield Anthem below:

(to the tune of This is England, by The Clash)

We are Canfield

With our leathery balls

We are Canfield

Home to Jamie and the rest of the Halls

We have our own blog

We have a new pavilion

We have a new site screen, clock and weather vein

We blew Lyndsell into oblivion

Bretty on his mower

Ali behind the bar

Lyndsell have a nice square

And a dog trained to fetch balls lost a-far

Strength, honour, fair play and fun

Go go Canfield

Our race is all but run

Until next time.

Keep your willow dry.

Preecherman

Prince Harry Deflects Eton Rifles Fire

2007-06-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

A confessional blog this week I fancy. I've enjoyed a small number of highs playing for Canfield in the past couple of years: my 6-for against Lyndsell last year for instance, the 5-for against Bairds, reaching a high score of 29. Of yes, I've touched the stars in a cricketing sense more than once. I've also come off the pitch feeling wretched. Saturday was another of the bad times you just have to take with the good. Such is life. It won't be the last time.

We were right to forecast a tough match against Flitch Pilgrims, a wandering side with a core of players made up of ex-Felstead public school boys. And, just like The Jam's 'Eton Rifles' they dished out a damn good thrashing to the commoner upstarts of Canfield. Well almost. They were, it must be stressed, damn nice 'chaps' who played the game in a great spirit once they realised their state educated opponents were in a different (i.e lower) league.

Firstly, it would have been a good toss to win. But Yogi, their captain, elected to bat and they made 278 with strength all the way through their line up. As Captain, let the record show I had a bit of a shocker. Apart from running Paul out when dashing a needless single, turning my right ankle chasing a straight drive and performing a 5.7 prat-fall in the rough at the far end of the ground and bruising my left index finger stopping a single, I also contributed to 77 of their runs whilst neglecting to bring Brucie back on to finish his spell. I suspect Brucie's mood that came my way after the game had a lot to do with that. A Captain mistakes such as these are mine to make as I travel the trainee Captain's odyssey. I will learn. Right, that's enough of the hirsute confessional.

There were some notable Canfield highlights; not least a FANTASTIC never-to-be-seen-again diving catch at extra over by Andy 'velcro' Davis to remove their big hitting South African. We were all absolutely gobsmacked. Good on yer mate. Unbelievable.

But this was Harry's Game. Rayner jnr bowled his 5 over spell very well, showing the Captain on more than one occasion how to loop the ball up properly, taking a key wicket in the process. Harry also batted with maturity well above his years as Canfield fought to save the game, occupying the crease and following the Captain's defensive plan to the letter. We were all mightily impressed and it will do Harry's confidence the world of good. This, and for keeping focused and alert in the field all day, makes him Canfield Man of the Match. Well done - arise Prince Harry.

So we earned a draw. We didn't have much choice with Mike getting out early on ("bad luck Mike" I said. "No, it was rubbish, Jon"). It was that kind of day. Ali got his usual 40-something and Andy Davis a rapid-fire 38. But when Bretty fell to his 2nd ball after Ali had been bowled by a neat in-swinger our only option was to defend for the remaining 15 overs. Feeling responsible for the plight we were in I felt it was the Captain's job to help try and get us home. So after 19 overs I had scored the princely sum of 9 runs. Sorry, make that 6 runs - that's the score recorded in the score book.... and I played on aswell, and Ali dropped a catch of my bowling. And, and, and, boo-ho...it was just one of those days, okay?

But Canfield did sneak home to earn a draw and that's what it was all about. Our Eton Rifle Rivals were very generous opponents and could have moved up a gear or two if truth be told. That said, they couldn't bowl us out (ha-ha) and the game was saved as was our 100% unbeaten home record. So lets not get too down hearted.

Champagne Moment: Andy Davis's catch-of-all-catches

Man-on-the-Match: Prince Harry

It was a hot day and w'ed have loved to have batted first, but that said our fielding was below par (Andy Davis's apart) but well done everyone for keeping at it. Thanks to Paul and Lynda for a yummy 1st class tea - along with Andy's catch the highlight of my day.

Next week is another toughy. Away to Lyndsell where the meanies play 'win or lose' and have a strategy of preparing a hard, true wicket to suit their top order batsman who pile on the runs, so putting the pressure on the visitors. We know how it works. We came damn close to humbling them last season with Bretty only 13 shy of a century. We will be without both Andy and Mike for that game, although Bomber should be returning. As ever, Canfield will give it our best shot.

2pm at Lyndsell next week everyone. I'll leave my hair-shirt at home.

Keep the faith,

Preecherman

12th Man "Sailor Jerry" Ends Unbeaten Record

2007-05-24T07:52:00.001-07:00

Captains Blog supplemental. We have been orbiting a very strange planet somewhere in deepest space (aka east Herts) desperately looking for signs of civilization (aka a cricket ground). We have visited this barren landscape many times before and got lost in the process. Today is no exception. My pilot Angus is not helping ("I recognise these lanes - definitely"), nor is the last known grid reference point, I mean you'd expect Nazeing Common to play either at Nazeing (possibly on a common?) or, outlandishly, actually at Nazeing Common. But no, Nazeing Common CC play at Bradley Common, don't you see?

I wonder if Andy Davis will get lost like he did last year...

When we do eventually come across the club my mood is not lifted by the ground. It's as I remember - desolate. Stuck slap bang in the centre of a farmer's field with the wind whistling around possibly the biggest boundary in village cricket. It also has its very own micro climate that reminds me of a knackered central heating thermostat - either eye watering hot or freezing. Today its grey, overcast and cold with drizzle forecast for tea-time. Just like last year in fact.

I'm still a little delicate due to last night's Pavilion drinkies, not to mention this mornings hangover-busting fried breakfast. Never learn, do you? Middle age. You can keep it, chap. I rummage in my unnecessarily large club-size bag for some Nurofen, put my game face on and seek out Graham their Captain.

Canfield win the toss and we have a bat. The pitch is hard - well harder than ours last week and the ball just might "come on" as they say. Andy Davis calls to say he has got lost and is running late, which brings me on to... the return of the much loved absentee report. Excuse ratings as follows: *****fair play to you, ****okay but don't make a habit out of it, ***sounds like a lame excuse to me, **you're doing what?, *shopping for shoes with the missus

Bomber: on family holiday *****
Panther: on family holiday (with Will Beagles) ****
Brucie: working all weekend **

Team news and batting line up:

Mike
Bretty
Andy Davis (scored century on this ground last year)
Ali
Steve
PoB (helped Andy score century on this ground last year... by booting the ball away)
Sonofapreecherman
Preecher (yes, I know it's spelt ea not ee)
JW
Paul 'Economy Class' Lucas
Angus

Right, let's talk cricket. This fixture has a lot to live up to. Last year we were 0-2 after 2 balls with their opener on a hat-trick. Then Andy Davis arrived, scored a ton off the last ball of the innings and we posted 200+. We couldn't quite bowl them out and they hung on to their final wicket for 6 overs to earn a draw. That was the closest we came to winning last season. All change now though, what with our undefeated record and the memory of last year's game fresh in the mind. Could this be our first away victory in years?

The short and correct answer is no. We posted 175 in difficult "ball not coming on at all, Skip" conditions against some accurate bowling. Mike got 69 and Ali 43 but we never really got going in the dank conditions with a large boundary on the south side of the ground and a fairly unresponsive pitch. Still, having seen basically the same Nazeing team bat last weekend I felt 170-odd was not far off par. And with the light drizzle starting and the light fading batting conditions will be harder for the team chasing.

We couldn't pull it off and in truth never looked like doing so. Sonofapreecherman managed 3 overs before retiring with a recurring foot problem. Steve got the break-through wicket sup rising their opener with a quicker off-cutter. I replaced Ed at the far end and proceeded to bowl like Stephen Hawking without arms. If there was a bowling stat for accurately drifting down leg I'd win hands-down. Downing 8 Sailor Jerry rums at the end of Friday evening clearly has its drawbacks. Sailor Jerry is dropped for the rest of the season. None for 35 off 7 overs. Good grief. Ali was for the 2nd match running our pick of the bowlers with 3 for 29 closely pursued by JW who took 3 wickets in consecutive matches. But they continued to score at 4 an over and with the heavy drizzle turning the ball into a red leathery soapy lump the catches went down (I dropped another skier at mid on). It wasn't to be - well done to the young colts of Nazeing for hanging in there. They deserved it. And thanks to Nazeing for a first class tea.

Man of the match: Ali for his 40-odd and 3 wickets and for keeping us in the game

Champagne moment: This is split between PoB's great catch at deep extra cover and Angus's diving catch off Ali. Great catches in tough conditions fellas

Sailor Jerry moment: My dropped catch off Ali at mid on

But well done everyone for sticking at it for 38 overs. We are competing well this season and enjoying the experience more than ever. As Captain, that's my objective and responsibility. Next week we're at home to Flitch Pilgrims, a very good wandering side of ex-Felstead boys. We'll have to put our game faces on for that one but remember, we are still unbeaten at home, right?

I rounded off the evening with dodgy chinese which was a fitting end to a gut-wrenching day all round. Cricket? Marvellous isn't it? Well sometimes.

Keep the faith everyone and remember, its a 2pm start at home next Saturday. Needless to say I can't wait!

See you next week

Preecherman

Boyz II Men (I Know What I'm Doing Part Deux)

2007-05-19T22:22:00.000-07:00

A cheery welcome one and all to Captains Blog. After last week's wash-out, the sun decided not so much to put its hat on as to wear one of those neither-one-thing-nor-the-other sun cap/visor thingies adorned by women golfers the world over. In other words, we had a bit of sun but a fair bit of cloud and wind as well. This might help our bowling attack...

We hosted Nazing Common on Saturday, or more more precisely their Colt XI plus one or two old hands to lend them a bit of experience. One of these, Graham their Captain, cheerfully called heads as the pound coin came down tails. I put them in. It was the same wicket as last week and still a bit, well unpredictable? And might just get firmer and quicker as the day progressed. We could but hope.

Due to a fantastic Captain's blunder, we started at 2.20pm (Nazing thought it was a 2pm start and were raring to go) but we only realised we had 8 fielders when I asked Sonofapreecherman what end he wanted. Cue Angus tearing across the boundary in his pick-up, soon followed by Panther and Greg. I asked Greg to go to cover whilst pointing to Mid Wicket. Captains blunder #2. I know what I'm doing. Not.

We wondered whether Bretty might want one of those secretary chairs with wheels to sit on whilst he kept wicket. His usual forthright response was not unexpected. He kept wicket brilliantly all day and gave Angus a rare run out in the field.

The game? Nazing were a bit mouse really. Colts can be fantastic, gifted prospects, or not. These were not, well not in the batting dept anyway. But they were well-mannered, keen and enthusiastic - not the kind of gel-haired, ear-ring councils estate chavvers that can sometimes infiltrate village cricket and spoil the fun. They were, however, skitelled out in 31 overs for 130-odd with Ali the pick of our bowlers (welcome back matey) with 3 key wickets. Brucie was making his long-awaited season's debut bowling very slow, loopy, off spin and got 2 wickets. I wondered what it must be like to face Brucie - a mixture of unbridled joy followed by terror as the ball thumps the wicket I should imagine. I put Panther on for a bowl. He deserved his opportunity what with, well Panther like fielding of late, and he did not disappoint taking 3 for 6 in 2.5 overs to wrap up their innings. Paul however bowled as if in another time zone which 16 hours ago was true. He needs to fly Business Class in future. Mate - get an up-grade and put it on expenses next time you fly back from the Far East.

Canfield cruised to a 7-wicket victory with 4 overs to spare thanks to solid knocks from Mike, Ali and Steve Oakey. The wicket did get better and although the Colts could bowl better than they batted, it was still men against boys. So let's take a look at our record to date, shall we? Played 3, won 2, drawn 1 with one match abandoned. I know what I'm doing, part deux.

As Captain I give myself a small pat on the back for taking Neil's advice and switching Brucie to bowl from the Takeley Rd end, simultaneously allowing Ali to use the wind to help his in swing. And for putting Panther on ahead of Steve. Yep, things worked out fine and again, Bretty, Angus and Ali provided invaluable help and support. All round, a great team effort.

Champagne Moments: Panther's 3 for 6 off 2.5 overs. Well done sir.

Man of the Match: Ali

Mug of the Match: Me, for starting without a full team (duh!)

We're away to Nazing next Saturday (2pm start) so maybe they'll be out for revenge, or play a different team. Whatever happens, we have our unbeaten record to think about. I never thought I'd be saying that in late May. I will call all those playing on Saturday to make sure we all know how to get there as their ground is a bit off the beaten track. And a note to Angus if he is reading this to help bring the kit? Do you want to pop around at 12.30 on Sat, mate?

I hope to see you all at the pavilion drink-up this Friday night, bar opens from 7pm. But please observe the Captain's drinking curfew. Yeah, right.

Well played everyone. Cricket? marvelous isn't it?

All the best

Preecherman.

Where's That Global Warming When You Need It...?

2007-05-09T04:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome friends to Captains Blog. For me, today's the day our season starts for real; no conference games against sides we'll never see again or a meaningless pre-season friendly against our 'take-it-easy-on-them-lads' league neighbours; no, this is the real deal - village cricket as it's meant to be. Hail Stapleford Tawney, my favourite fixture of the year! Why? Well, they're a good lark-a-minute bunch and like us, they're the usual pot pori of the gifted, sporting, less sporting, professional and disorganised. And I scored my first ever runs against them so they hold a special place in my heart. Led by the indefatigable Will Beagles, the Tawney's in many ways personify what village cricket means (although they only play 3 games a year and don't have a ground, but that never puts them off). So pull up a bar stool, order a few IPAs and lets spend a leisurely Saturday poking good natured fun at each other.

Because in the end that's all we could do. It rained. Not in the morning you understand, oh no - that would be far too convenient. We could have cancelled the fixture well in advance and got the weekly food shop in. Nope - at 2.30 it started, just before Mike and Bomber put their pads on for a reduced 30 overs a-side match. Then the rain stopped and play finally began at just before 3pm on a slow, sticky wicket. 25 overs were managed before it sheeted it down with Ali unbeaten (and very wet) on 42 and Mike having got 71 before being bowled. I've never seen 13 cricketers run so fast. And Bretty showed a very impressive turn of speed, as thay all ran towards the sanctuary of the pavilion.

170-odd for 3 and well placed. We took an early tea. We didn't have a choice.

And we never went back out. It rained harder and got darker. At 5.30pm Will and I shook hands, called it off and headed for the bar. We will be playing them again at home in July when the summer days are long and balmy. We can but hope.

A shame all round: it was to be Bretty's first game and, in my view, the Canfield season hasn't started until Neil picks up his bat. Assisted by Brucie - our very own cricketing Yoda - these two elder cricketing Jedi knights were drafted in to help Master Luke overcome Stapleford Tawney's cricketing Death Star. And that's quite enough clumsy Star Warms symbolism, thank you Jon.

Purely for the record our starting XI was:

Mike
Bomber
Andy D
Ali
Bretty
Tom
Steve
Preecher
JW
Angus
Brucie

POB was on hols in France and Paul was in the Far East on business (don't forget the team duty free both of you) - I hope you both had better weather than us. Sonofapreecherman was rested having a game for Dunmow U13s the next day (which was also rained off of course).

Special thanks to John Williams for laying on a first class tea (Tescos Finest - always worth that bit extra, John) But that's it. No amusing anecdotes or incidents of note. Just sipping whisky in the bar with a few friends after the game. There are worse things in life.

Next week we are at home to Naezing Common, 2.30pm start. It will be warm, sunny, we'll win the toss and Ali will score his maiden century and I'll score 20-odd. We can but dream.

Oi Sun! Get your hat on YOU SLAG!!!

Love and kisses.

Preecherman

"I Know What I'm Doing..."

2007-05-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

Feedback relating to Captains Blog thus far:

1. Its an amusing/funny/entertaining read
2. Jon clearly has too much time on his hands

Point 2 is definitely true.

Our second match was a home fixture against Dunny-on-the-Wold (or more accurately, Watton-on-Stowe) a conference side from Hertfordshire. For the uninitiated, conference sides are the true nomads of cricket, often without a ground of their own or a league to play in, they search the region for matches on-spec' as it were. A kind of cricketing limbo (or, if you're Catholic, cricketing purgatory). There are, supposedly, seven levels of purgatory. W-o-S play in the East Herts league division 12 (that's division TWELVE) and this was a pre-season friendly between one side five levels below purgatory and the Canfield Sat XI (friendlies only please) who are clearly heaven sent.

This should be good. And it was.

We welcomed back some old faces for this match, our X comprising:

Bomber
Mike Emery (Ex-Sunday Capt. and the clubs best bat and cricket brain by a mile...)
Andy Davis (Big hitter, nice guy)
Ali
Panther (Making his debut)
POB (New boots)
Preecherman
JW
Paul ('I need a nickname') Lucas
Angus

Sonofapreecherman was unwell and couldn't play on the day, so we were down to ten. Still, a strong side, although perhaps a little lacking in the bowling dept? No chance of that - not today.

I lost the toss and they put us in. I'd have chosen to bat first anyway having played on the same wicket last week and gotten to know its "idiosyncrasies"... but all Captains say that. That's one thing I've picked up.

I know what I'm doing.

"Get your pads on fellas", I said, walking back to the pavilion.

"What are we doing", said Ali.

"Pads on, were batting" I repeated.

"Are we batting?" Ali enquired.

"Yes, we're batting" I said. Again.

"Are we batting then?" said Ali.

He got home in the early hours of Saturday morning after a few "quality wine experiences" with his mate Nico.

Mike and Bomber set about their bowling attack, which was pretty pedestrian. The pitch was slow, low and unpredictable. Mike got out cheaply chasing one he should have left. Bomber again got into the 40's but was unable to convert to his fist half century. Meanwhile we watched aghast as Andy Davis lit the blue touchpaper to start his very own firework display and his 78 was a joy to behold before playing across the line to another low ball. Canfield notched up 215 for 9 off 40 overs. A reasonable score. Depends if they can bat.

They could. The Dunny Openers were scoring at 6 an over off Ali and Bomber so I changed things. Paul took a wicket with his first ball.

I know what I'm doing.

With JW at the other end swinging the ball like a banana we kept up the pressure and, with some great fielding (Bomber took 3 catches in the match) we applied the pressure. Our total was still within range so I put myself on to slow the run rate and to save JW and Paul for the all important 'at the death' bowling. I snared a pair and, with 8 overs to go we needed 2 more wickets. Make that 1 more wicket with 6 overs left. We were now ensured of the draw, but wanted that first victory in, what, 18 months? Cue Bomber back on, a leading top edge and Panther takes the catch at cover point (7 catches in the match - great fielding everyone). Canfield get their long overdue first victory. CMON CANFIELD!

I know what I'm doing.

What was the captaincy like, Jon? Well, obviously there are 11 captains on the field and quite a few ex-captains as well. Mike, Ali and Angus were marvellous giving hints, subtle hand signals and surreptitious whispers that were nearly always acted on. They see the game better than me and let me learn from them. I was pleased to bring Paul on to immediate effect and to move Mike to long leg where he then took a catch on the boundary. Thanks again everyone for for your patience and especially to Bomber, who seems instinctively to knows what I want and is able to communicate this to the field even without me knowing. Nothing short of telepathy!

Champagne Moment. Panther's catch to win us the game with 3 overs left. Brilliant fielding all round matey.

Baby'sham' Moment. My attempted catch at long on (I didn't realise the ball could go so high and that I could be so, what's the word, 'disorientated').

An all round great team effort with only 10 players. Merit marks to Paul and JW for taking 3 wickets apiece - great bowling boys. Thanks and housepoints to Marge and Ali for a splendid tea. The captain's award goes to Angus for catching a skier and in so doing banishing his demons from the last game. He will now be able to sleep at night. I know how he feels.

Next game (the fixture list has finally arrived!) is Sat, 12th May versus Stapleford Tawney, 2.30pm start. Bretty has this down as an away game but I need to check as Panther tells me they don't have a ground. I'll confirm in the week because remember...

I know what I'm doing.

Thanks team,

Preecherman.

PS Napolean is said to have always favoured lucky generals. I assume the same applies in cricket?

Canfield Battle Out Memorable Draw Shocker

2007-04-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

We couldn't have wished for a more fitting season's curtain raiser. Build it and people will come, Kevin Costner was told in the movie Field of Dreams; get the bar stocked in the new pavilion and the same will happen at GCCC, and, with the sun shining on a full house, we entertained Dunmow 2nds on Saturday in our first game of the season.

Dunmow tipped up 40 minutes before the start of play, said a few cursory hello's, got changed, went out and practised on the outfield doing regimented throwing, catching and fielding drills that they had so obviously done many times before. Canfield were in the bar arguing about where the dartboard should go; this is all you need to know about the differences between league and village cricket.

Bretty turned up. I have had two phone conversations with Neil in the past week. Conversation #1: "Jon, it's Bretty. Can't play on Saturday - working. See you in a couple of weeks". This was on Tuesday. Conversation #2: "Jon, it's Bretty. Cant play on Saturday - working" (Neil - you told me this earlier mate) " Did I? Got a message to call you" (So you still cant play?) "No". This was on Thursday. So why is he now in the changing room getting into his whites? He is clearly working too hard.

The toss. Matt, the Dunmow Captain called heads. It came down tails. CMON CANFIELD!!! ONE NIL ALREADY. They say it takes 5 years to read the mysteries of a cricket pitch. Now I had talked on Friday to Jaimie about our options. Might be a tad unpredictable, what with using it for net practise and being on the edge of the square. So, put them in. See if we cant spook 'em early doors. If they get a score, we'll chase AND as I've agreed this to be a win/lose/draw game, if we can't get close to their tally we'll play out a heroic draw. Of course the pitch was fine and with a rock hard outfield they scored 255 in 40 overs just as the pitch was beginning (in cricket parlance) "to do something" nicely in time for them to bowl at us in fact. As I say, it takes 5 years.

Our bowling was a bit wobbly early on and they got off to a flyer. The captaining bit felt strange at first but I got lots of help from Ali, Angus and especially Bomber for which I was very grateful. Things like, forgetting to have a point fielder, and do we need 5 people on the leg side, Jon? But I got the hang of it and everyone was very patient with me as they were repeatedly asked to move to and fro (sorry Greg/Sam/Paul/etc). And its a fine balance to tell someone to do something in a positively assertive yet polite way, without sounding like some overbearing attention seeking Captain Mainwairing from Dads Army. But I enjoyed my first outing as skipper - we got the fun/compete balance right and that's what I was after. The whole experience didn't put me off; my team were gentle with me.

We kept at it with sonofapreecherman bowling a good line/length and the wickets began to fall. Yours truly snared a couple and their were wickets for Ali, Paul, Bomber and a class-y run out via Angus. Given the inexperience of our side, good batting conditions and the strength of Dunmow, 250 odd was only a bit north of par. We had a chance.

We made a steady reply scoring a 4+ an over till Trevor was run out via a direct hit (he's not as quick as you, Bomber, between the wickets). Bomber made 43 before coping one that kept low. Ali got 28 and was unlucky to be undone by their leggie. And that was the batting highlights. Everyone else chipped in but, in the end, with three overs to go and in fading light, the last two were at the crease. I was one, my sonofapreecherman was the other. And...we held firm! Despite putting their strike bowler back on (in fading light) and crowding the wicket the other end for their spinner, Canfield got home to cheers and beers and the booming sound of Doctor Who on the pavilion TV. CMON CANFIELD!

Dunmow were real sports and said it had been a great game and well done us. Such nice chaps. We wish them well for their league season.

Champagne Moment. Paul's catch in front of the pavilion. His nerve held and so did the ball. Well done mate.

Babycham Moment. Trevor's run out.

Lager & Black with Optional Pork Scratchings Moment. Angus's truly god awful dropped skier off sonofapreecjherman's bowling. And it was his mate Spider batting as well. Happy days.

There were other events of note, such as Stuart's motor getting dented by the ball when hit for six into his driveway (a small bump, but once you know its there, you can't stop looking at it, eh Mr Chairman?). And our "Mr Neighbour" who got the arse when another six smacked into his roof. He actually came out to confront me when I got the ball to tell me to tell the batsman "not to do that again". We've been asking him that all day, I said. He wasn't best pleased, but hey, buy a house next to a cricket ground and guess what's gonna happen?

An eventful day. A well earned draw against a fancied league side with fun and incidents along the way. After cleaning and locking the pavilion I was back home (via the local kebab shop) at 10pm. Absolutely knackered.

Special thanks to Tracy and Angus for the tea and to Alison Hepburn for cleaning the pavilion top to bottom (bogs included) on Saturday morning and to her son Patrick, for joyfully telling me Chelsea were now out of the premiership race good and proper just as I was walking off the field of play. Beware the power of the blog, Hepburn minor.

I'll let all the players know about the next game as soon as I know; I'm waiting for Bretty to call me on that....

Thanks team,

Preecherman

The Eve of Our First Game

2007-04-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

Weather permitting (latest forecast for Chelmsford area is sunny with intermittent showers) the Canfield Sat XI makes its season's debut at home this Saturday against Dunmow 2nds. Following two consecutive Sunday afternoon net practises (which were very well attended - thanks fellas) the team for Saturday is now confirmed as:

Bomber
Ali
Trevor Beeston
Greg Conboy
JW
Sam Rayner
Harry Rayner
Sonofapreecherman
Preecherman
Paul
Angus

It was a bit of a scrap getting an XI together with so many people away. In a new feature, which I'm originally titling "Name and Shame" here are the absentees and their reasons for not playing:

Andy - on mini w/e break in Rome with wife. Excuse rating ***** (fair enough)
PoB - last night of his amateur dramatic showcase. Excuse rating ** (such a lovey dahhhhling)
Bretty - working shifts (see earlier blog). Excuse rating ***** (see him later in the season)
Panther - moving house AND babysitting whilst wife away on tennis w/e (1). Excuse rating ***** for the move, * for babysitting
Will - babysitting whilst wife away on tennis w/e (2). Excuse rating *
Clint - babysitting whilst wife away on tennis w/c (3). Excuse rating *
(thought - why can't they bring the kids down to the ground and share the babysitting? What about when we are all fielding though? Ah yes, fair point)
Mitch - can't change his shift at Stanstead Airport to an earlier one. Excuse rating ** (why work?)
Jamie - coaching his brother Robert (aged 9) playing football for Dunmow. Excuse rating ***** (fair play)

Plus a few others are either on holiday, ill, missing in action or in prison. But we have a team and will give it our very best shot, sir!

Form. The nets, just like the camera, never lies... Of the team playing on Saturday all the kids did very well as did JW and Bomber. Bowling wise we were all a bit rusty but well done to Ed for breaking the wooden practise stump (!) and JW and Paul for their dead eye accuracy. As for me, well spin - you've either got it or you aint... (don't answer that).

We STILL don't know any of our other confirmed fixtures but should know next week in time for our next game.

As Captain, I've thought about the batting line-up and field placings, who will bowl how much and when (all subject to change). And the wicket will definitely turn when bowling from the Cornfield end. With such a young team word is Dunmow will be real sports and reverse their batting/bowling order to even it up. If so, everything is going to plan...

Tune in on Monday for the result and post mortem /post match report.

Keep the faith.

Preecherman

Meet the Sat XI Players

2007-04-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

The following represents the core of the Sat XI team pool, although inevitably occasional players, friends, relatives and even members of the Sunday team get roped in as the season plods on to its inevitable conclusion:

Ali is our GCCC stalwart who, quite literally, bats for both sides (the Sat and Sun XI that is) as well as opening the bowling, so a bit of an all rounder cricketing nut. Early 40s, lives near Harlow with Margaret, he earns his keep in IT but lives for fine food and cricket. Insists on only wearing clothes from charity shops and has a fervent disdain of modern consumer capitalism. Anyway, he's a good mate and will be an able lieutenant in the months ahead. Has played for Canfield for years and is a damn fine player. Batting **** Bowling **** Fielding ***** Fashion *

Bomber is the Sat XI outgoing Captain, having held the post for 3 years, Like Ali, he could play at a much higher level if he so chose, but remains loyal to the cause. Fabulous RH bat and a quite superb fielder at mid off. 30s, married to Jo, a family of 4 small children, and currently going through a career change into the financial services. No wonder he wanted a break from captaincy. Called Bomber because 'he bombs about' a lot... Exhibits what the Services might call "Officer Potential", having the relaxed, confident easy manner of the well educated. Surprisingly quiet off the pitch but a natural sportsman on it. Batting ***** Bowling ** Fielding ***** Wine *****

Preecherman. The new Captain; and at 44 and in only his 2nd full season as a player, something of a rookie (the oldest rookie in the world?). A stalwart who practises a lot, but still a bit of a rabbit with the bat. Secretly thinks the cricket ball is far harder than is sensible. Lives with Ruth in Canfield and runs own business (a natural leader then? Err, no). Big on team spirit and encouraging banter in the field (which this season will be at mid on - where the ball rarely goes). A leg spinner of some small repute. Batting * Bowling **** Fielding (ouch) Fancy Motor *****

Sonofapreecherman. The Captain's 13 year old son Ed and already miles better than his Dad. RH bat, LH bowler. Also plays for Dunmow (boo), Thaxted and School and trains at the Essex Academy. Tends to give Dad jip in the field. Appearances this year are injury permitting as he suffers badly with a foot ailment. The boy can play. Batting *** Bowling *** Fielding *** Red Bull (when Dad's detracted at the pavilion bar) *****

Bretty. RH bat and very handy as an occasional opener. Where he bats in the order usually depends on if he has been working nights or if he has been on the sauce. Doesn't bowl and fields MILES AWAY sweeping the boundary smoking tabs. Does loads for the club behind the scenes as well as cuts the outfield twice a week and never moans (much). Lives in nearby Takeley, 50s, handy with agricultural machinery. Top man. Batting ***** Lawn Mowers ****

Clint. As in Clint Eastwood (he looks nothing like!) Possibly the nicest man in the world. Local Canfield Farmer, early 40s and married to Bomber's sister, Sarah (life in the sticks, huh?) with three small children. A GCCC player man and boy, like Rob his dad before him. Handy with bat, ball and fielding. I wish he could play more for us, but the harvest won't do itself, boy. Batting *** Bowling *** Fielding *** Tractors *****

Andy Davis. Quality RH bat and quite honestly the best fielder I have ever seen. An Aussie who also lived in S Africa, so a bit of a cricketing pedigree. Married, lives near Ali with a young son. Only player to score a century last year. You could not meet a nicer bloke, which for an Aussie is praise indeed. Oh, and any bowlers reading this, anything short and he'll hit you to the mid wicket boundary in a second. Brought up on fast wickets you see. Batting ***** Fielding ***** Nice Ausie Score *****

Angus. Our 'keeper. Local builder/handyman residing with Tracy and sons Harry and Sam in Little Canfield. Another who does loads for the club and someone who always thinks ahead (like buying a widescreen TV for the pavilion on Cup Final day last year). He got it cheap, supposedly. I have never seen him without a smile on his face. As strong as an Ox and a great team player, our Mr Fixit and a Level 1 coach as well I believe. Batting ** Keeping **** General Maintenance *****

Paul Lucas. Manc living in Stebbing (not Stabbing), 40s, aviation graduate who has progressed from rockets to, er, procurement. Supports Man City and has a passion for classic sports cars. Bit nervous with the bat but a very good (and accurate) wicket-to-wicket 2nd change bowler. Very much a regular and one of the first names on the teamsheet. A bright boy - so he gets lumbered as our scorer most of the time. Batting ** Bowling *** Fielding *** Rocket Science *****

JW. Lives an hour away in SE London but a regular Canfield player for many years now, and his game has come on enormously and now pretty capable with bat, although like Paul his main strength is being our other regular 2nd change nagging length bowler. Late 40s, an accountant and also GCCC's Financial Officer. Supports Charlton and possesses an arid wit and quite excellent comedy timing (and that's not just his forward defensive - ho ho). Batting *** Bowling **** Fielding *** P&L/Balance Sheets *****

POB. Patrick O'Brien, early 60s and could be nicknaed The Judge because, he is, A Judge. Lives in nearby Thaxted. I like POB for many reasons, not least for the the fact that he scored his first century only a few years ago. I'm still only 44. You can see where I'm going with this. An acerbic wit and an extremely popular team member. Especially when he wears his 'Mack' in the field when its chilly. Batting *** Fielding *** ASBOs *****

Jamie is the latest in a long line of Hall family Canfield cricketers. He is also our grondsman and works all through the year getting the square and pitches up to scratch. What the tabloids might call a Gentle Giant. He's a big fella, early 20s, a big hitter and fast bowler. Always accompanied by his girlfriend Claire (who always smiles but rarely speaks- I wonder if she actually likes cricket!). Ruth my partner really likes Jamie, as do we all. Batting ***** Bowling ***** Fielding **** Heavy Rollers (with Jamie siting on it as well?) *****

Mitch. Mitch Cooper is our neighbours 17 year old son and, like Jamie, leads our strike attack. A very nice chap who has been known to occasionaly date my daughter, Verity. Very Dangerous Ground. He studies, he sails, he badmintons, he works at Stanstead on Saturdays and still finds time to play for us. He also possess an 8-pack whatever one of those is. Batting *** Bowling ***** Fielding *** Babe Magnate *****

Stuart. He's the club's Chairman and patriarch who, like Ali and Jamie also plays for the Sunday side from time to time. He has almost single-handedly got our new pavilion spit and span for the start of the season. A hedge fund manager who enjoys his cricket as much as he hates political correctness (bah), Blair (double bah) etc. A very good Chairman who is encouraged wonderfully by his teenage son Patrick when at the crease ("go on Dad, get out!! ha-ha). Kids eh? Batting ***** Bowling *** Fielding ***** Market Capitalisations, Yields & Growth *****

Panther. Panther is a new player (welcome fellah) joining GCCC after his old club, the wonderfully named Stapleford Tawney, folded last year. Real name Andy Goodwin, he's a bit of an all rounder and I see in him the keenness and joy I once had when I first played for the club. That's before I realised what I had gotten into. Theory: Panther is best mates with (the equally wonderfully named Will Beagles) who is a good player, so Panther's the bate to get Will involved as well: 2 for 1. Brearly didn't say this in his Art of Captaincy book - I'm getting the hang of this captaincy lark. Batting *** Bowling ** Fielding (Panther - geddit?) ***

Brucie. Brucie is our other slow bowler. Angus claims to have seen him turn the ball once. But this does not stop him snaring wickets. Oh how their eyes light up when they see him come on; oh how their eyes light up as the ball loops down the pitch at the slowest pace possible whilst just about obeying the laws of physics. You can guess the rest. I like Bruce because a) he bats even worse than me and b) he's my slow bowling partner. Run his own haulage business and big mates with Bretty. Batting * Bowling *** Fielding (what's that?) Lorries *****

That's about it. There are plenty of others to add but I'll profile them along the way. But I thought I should test the water first - I might be murdered at net practise.

Next blog will be on the eve of our first game. The excitement, the suspense, worries about team selection, form, the wicket not to mention the weather. And Dunmow 2nds are a good league side who want a pre-season friendly. This is a bit like you bigger older Brother who'll playfully hold your forehead at arms length whilst you try and kick them in the shins, and who then lets go making you collapse in a heap! We must therefore, have a plan...

Pre Season

2007-04-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

This is the first blog entry for Great Canfield Cricket Club (Sat XI). GCCC are a village club in the middle of the Essex countryside. Our season starts on Saturday 28th April, at home vs Great Dunmow 2nds, 2.30pm start (feel free to drop in). Our Sunday side play on, well the Sunday.

Okay, important things you need to know about our team:

1. We play friendlies, not league cricket. League cricket is full of furrow-browed, ultra competitive sorts who take the game VERY seriously indeed. Now we could play in the Ford Essex Showrooms (West) division 5 league (or similar) but don't. So there. Our gaff, our rules.

2. We play in the true Corinthian spirit, meaning: we lose a lot, struggle to field a team most Saturdays, have a player age range from 13-53 (and older), but have A Right Laff taking part. And that's all that's important, right? (Right Jon))

3. We play at a beautiful leafy ground which is the envy of all the local league teams (another good reason not to play them) and have had a new pavilion built, courtesy of a local benefactor.

4. We have a new captain (me) and this is my blog. I was volunteered for the job. With an appalling batting average, winner of the 2006 Duck cup (most 0s) and an inept fielder I was, in many ways, the natural choice. What I hope I bring is enthusiasm, organisation, enthusiasm, unbridled loyalty, and enthusiasm. To say I'm apprehensive about politely enquiring if Bretty wouldn't mind awfully moving 10 yards back at deep extra cover (Neil is a truly great opening bat who is 10 years my senior, having played for Canfield for about 30 years) or if Ali wouldn't mind pitching the ball up a bit, is an understatement. Leading from the back will I have the support of the team? I'll keep you posted.

5. The Eastons, Sampfords and Lindsel are our rivals. Beating any of these teams this season will make it all worthwhile.

My next posting will introduce you to some the players, their profile and their personal idiosyncrasies. And for any GCCC players reading this, it's net practise at the ground this Sunday, 4pm sharp. Don't forget your box.

Go Canfield.

The Preecherman