Tour Blog Special: Bournemouth 2010

Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas play
It's called "Roll a Square, Arthur! And Mind What You Say"
A Cricketing farce
With a thickening plot
Act one, scene one
Brenda Blethen gets shot

Half Man Half Biscuit "We Built This Village"

Act One
Scene One: Aston, Armageddon & Avis

Somewhere East of Portsmouth my Aston Martin V8 Roadster went all Apollo 13 on me. Master alarms, flashing dashboard, evil smells. The ABS warning light was on. As was the clutch over-heating sign. Then the tyre traction wouldn't work. Then, and best of all, a message appeared saying Time for a Service Mr Priest! Oh yes, and the car wouldn't go into reverse for some reason. Aston Martin's 24 hr recovery service to the rescue.....in the form of a sub-contractor called Keith and his low-loader. Head back East 20 miles to a dealership in Chichester. At least the locals were nice, cheering and waving as they saw my car being winched. Such support. Avis had promised 1) a courtesy car would be waiting for me and 2) it would be a car 'similar to a top of the range saloon'. The key word here is similar. No car was waiting for me. Two hours later Avis tipped up in a Peugeot 3008 hatchback. Just like the old TV ad, it took my breath away. For all the wrong reasons. On to Bournemouth - not having eaten anything since breakfast I arrived at 8pm some 9 hours since setting off. Tour 2010 was finally underway.

Act One
Scene Two: Friday Night, Saturday Morning

Alan the night porter at the hotel (who was starting his shift it was THAT late) said they were all in The Goat and Tricycle; A Real Ale Pub. God not again. And there they were, lying in wait. "Where's your Aston?" and "Get a proper car" and "You're shit" etc. I was starving and trying to hold back the flu symptoms that started the day before. Two pints of Wadworths 6X and off to The Indian Ocean: A Real Curry Place, for a Big Boys Balti. By midnight the group split into 2 - I went back to the hotel for some R&R. For the record Stuart was very pissed and kept mentioning Beef Curtains. These were not on the Indian menu. We looked after him. They other rablerousers did what they always did. Wander around. Went to a dodgy bar. Had a drink. Came home.

Right, where's my Night Nurse?

Act Two
Scene One: Beach Nuts

Angus Hellier? You flatter to deceive old boy. Up at 7am for a dip in the sea to shrug off hangover - top marks. Then.... going back to bed for some kip in the morning? See me afterwards please. The rest of us went to the shore for beach cricket and rounders, courtesy of a £4.99 bat 'n' ball set. Great fun. I played rather well I thought. I must try that reverse sweep in a proper game. We meet up with Will, Panther and Stevie who came down today and, off we go to Hinton Cricket Club..... which was tiny.

Well done Stuart for his 67 playing with a pulled hamstrung and with Slowman as his bitch/runner and to Paul for his first ever 6!. We got 224 in a timed game. Hinton were a great bunch - not unlike us in fact. We bowled well and, to make a game of it, took Jamie out of the attack for a while. They started to creep nearer and nearer our total. But the real drama was Panther (isn't it always?) who:

1) fielded for Hinton as a sub for 20 overs straight..and dropped a catch (well done sir!)
2) then went into bat for us and got a golden duck
3) bowled 2 overs of utter nonsense
4) took of his tour cap and threw it on the ground ala Oliver Hardy
5) kicked the sight screen
6) got a wicket (thanks to a great catch from Clint)
7) made what turned out to be a match saving catch to claim the 9th wicket

Phew! In the penultimate over with one wicket needed their skipper belted a bump ball catch to Jamie for a c&b appeal. He was well out of his crease. As he awaited the umpire's decision Jamie ran him out. He walked. We called him back. After that, their skipper refused to hit the winning runs. Such a gent. A great game. To the pub and more Aston jokes and a truly crap crisp eating competition between Clint and Will.

Act Two
Scene Two: I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar!

Angus Hellier, you old loveable fool. Like a £25 rocket on bonfire night he was bright and sparky in the pub downing the brandy's and port. Then, after the Italian meal, fizzled out, got lost and wandered home like a lost puppy dog. Tourist of the year was there for him to grab with both mits. But he muffed it. Just like the catch he dropped off my bowling :)

It's past midnight and we're in a gay pub. Tellingly, Slowman is the first to notice this. "What? Fudgepackers?" exclaimed The Chair. I dared Slowman for a dance and he obliged. Paul has the photos to prove it.

Back to the hotel bar. Just like the late night discussion programme on Channel Four "After Dark" we sat around and talked bollocks. Well, I did anyway. Subjects ranged from John Stuart Mill, Women and Gender in Society, Marital Relations and "Who Would Win in an All Blokes Cook-Off". In mitigation, the nurofen and brandy had kicked in. I retired at 3am.


Act Three
Scene One: Groundhog Day

We all look tired. We give the beach a swerve this morning. Will and Panther head home and give limping Stuart a lift. None of us feel up for a game of cricket. But off we go to Portsmouth, taking in the Gosport Ferry and stopping for Chips and Drinks before facing the deliciously titled "Department of Education Cavaliers" on a municipal pitch. We were expecting a load of old gents. But half the side were in their teens. And more than one wore T-Shirts pronouncing Hampshire Youth Development Side. Hmm. We batted and got 226 I think. Well played Clint for his half century, Bomber for 48 and Paul Lucas for 23. They got off to a flier, accompanied by the heavy metal amateur wrestling taking place over an adjacent fence. Absolutely Surreal. Angus Helleir - you are a star. Fab bowling. I cried my eyes out at deep mid on. Slowam was skipper for the day and put me on. 3 for 40 off 8 overs was pretty passable I thought. But they got the runs with 3 overs to spare. Another great team. By now I had serious Man Flu. And a hurty knee.


Act Three
Scene Two: Home & Awards

Knackered I drive back to the coast in my Avis Special, arriving just after 11.I was ill, very ill. But happy. It had been a great tour. A vintage in fact. Not the young bubbly affair of 2 years ago or the sour unripe vintage of last year (that Oakey would use in his cooking) but a real vintage.

Awards:

1) Tourist of 2010. Panther. Nominated by Angus and wholeheartedly supported by the rest of us. For his antics in the Hinton game. Panther - you're the man. Your prize is the bat we used in beach cricket, signed by everyone with you as the first proper winner. I shall present it to you when I see you next. We'll pass that baton on next year....assuming you don't win it again!

2) Batting: Well done Stuart for his 67 played with a pulled muscle and bloodied brow. We salute you

3) Bowling: Preacher: A sly look at the score book shows 4-58 in 12 overs across the tour. I think Jamie got 3 (could be wrong) but anyways well done me. Ha!

4) Fielding: Slowman for lots of catches (4 I think)

5) Champagne Moment: Paul's top edge 6 against Hinton (and his dancing celebration)

6) Political incorrectness: Stuart "Fudgepacker" Hepburn


Final Scene: Prologue

Aston being delivered back on Thursday, thanks for asking. New ABS system. Under warranty so ya boo. Avis to collect hire car from home. Aston to be delivered to office. Flu gradually subsiding. Thanks to Angus and Clint for arranging a GREAT tour and for arranging matching tour headwear for us all.

Finally, to end once and for all the gender discussion we had on Saturday night:

She's the boss at home
And when she treats me like a lacky
I put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki!

(The Biscuit)


See you all very soon.

Preacher x