"Croc and Ball Story" ***

Dunmow 2nds, at The Park, match drawn

* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees

Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).

Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.

It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.

T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.

We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.

Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.

Champers Moment: Ha!

Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.


Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.

So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.

First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.

Till next time.

Nipples