Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas play
It's called "Roll a Square, Arthur! And Mind What You Say"
A Cricketing farce
With a thickening plot
Act one, scene one
Brenda Blethen gets shot
Half Man Half Biscuit "We Built This Village"
Act One
Scene One: Aston, Armageddon & Avis
Somewhere East of Portsmouth my Aston Martin V8 Roadster went all Apollo 13 on me. Master alarms, flashing dashboard, evil smells. The ABS warning light was on. As was the clutch over-heating sign. Then the tyre traction wouldn't work. Then, and best of all, a message appeared saying Time for a Service Mr Priest! Oh yes, and the car wouldn't go into reverse for some reason. Aston Martin's 24 hr recovery service to the rescue.....in the form of a sub-contractor called Keith and his low-loader. Head back East 20 miles to a dealership in Chichester. At least the locals were nice, cheering and waving as they saw my car being winched. Such support. Avis had promised 1) a courtesy car would be waiting for me and 2) it would be a car 'similar to a top of the range saloon'. The key word here is similar. No car was waiting for me. Two hours later Avis tipped up in a Peugeot 3008 hatchback. Just like the old TV ad, it took my breath away. For all the wrong reasons. On to Bournemouth - not having eaten anything since breakfast I arrived at 8pm some 9 hours since setting off. Tour 2010 was finally underway.
Act One
Scene Two: Friday Night, Saturday Morning
Alan the night porter at the hotel (who was starting his shift it was THAT late) said they were all in The Goat and Tricycle; A Real Ale Pub. God not again. And there they were, lying in wait. "Where's your Aston?" and "Get a proper car" and "You're shit" etc. I was starving and trying to hold back the flu symptoms that started the day before. Two pints of Wadworths 6X and off to The Indian Ocean: A Real Curry Place, for a Big Boys Balti. By midnight the group split into 2 - I went back to the hotel for some R&R. For the record Stuart was very pissed and kept mentioning Beef Curtains. These were not on the Indian menu. We looked after him. They other rablerousers did what they always did. Wander around. Went to a dodgy bar. Had a drink. Came home.
Right, where's my Night Nurse?
Act Two
Scene One: Beach Nuts
Angus Hellier? You flatter to deceive old boy. Up at 7am for a dip in the sea to shrug off hangover - top marks. Then.... going back to bed for some kip in the morning? See me afterwards please. The rest of us went to the shore for beach cricket and rounders, courtesy of a £4.99 bat 'n' ball set. Great fun. I played rather well I thought. I must try that reverse sweep in a proper game. We meet up with Will, Panther and Stevie who came down today and, off we go to Hinton Cricket Club..... which was tiny.
Well done Stuart for his 67 playing with a pulled hamstrung and with Slowman as his bitch/runner and to Paul for his first ever 6!. We got 224 in a timed game. Hinton were a great bunch - not unlike us in fact. We bowled well and, to make a game of it, took Jamie out of the attack for a while. They started to creep nearer and nearer our total. But the real drama was Panther (isn't it always?) who:
1) fielded for Hinton as a sub for 20 overs straight..and dropped a catch (well done sir!)
2) then went into bat for us and got a golden duck
3) bowled 2 overs of utter nonsense
4) took of his tour cap and threw it on the ground ala Oliver Hardy
5) kicked the sight screen
6) got a wicket (thanks to a great catch from Clint)
7) made what turned out to be a match saving catch to claim the 9th wicket
Phew! In the penultimate over with one wicket needed their skipper belted a bump ball catch to Jamie for a c&b appeal. He was well out of his crease. As he awaited the umpire's decision Jamie ran him out. He walked. We called him back. After that, their skipper refused to hit the winning runs. Such a gent. A great game. To the pub and more Aston jokes and a truly crap crisp eating competition between Clint and Will.
Act Two
Scene Two: I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar!
Angus Hellier, you old loveable fool. Like a £25 rocket on bonfire night he was bright and sparky in the pub downing the brandy's and port. Then, after the Italian meal, fizzled out, got lost and wandered home like a lost puppy dog. Tourist of the year was there for him to grab with both mits. But he muffed it. Just like the catch he dropped off my bowling :)
It's past midnight and we're in a gay pub. Tellingly, Slowman is the first to notice this. "What? Fudgepackers?" exclaimed The Chair. I dared Slowman for a dance and he obliged. Paul has the photos to prove it.
Back to the hotel bar. Just like the late night discussion programme on Channel Four "After Dark" we sat around and talked bollocks. Well, I did anyway. Subjects ranged from John Stuart Mill, Women and Gender in Society, Marital Relations and "Who Would Win in an All Blokes Cook-Off". In mitigation, the nurofen and brandy had kicked in. I retired at 3am.
Act Three
Scene One: Groundhog Day
We all look tired. We give the beach a swerve this morning. Will and Panther head home and give limping Stuart a lift. None of us feel up for a game of cricket. But off we go to Portsmouth, taking in the Gosport Ferry and stopping for Chips and Drinks before facing the deliciously titled "Department of Education Cavaliers" on a municipal pitch. We were expecting a load of old gents. But half the side were in their teens. And more than one wore T-Shirts pronouncing Hampshire Youth Development Side. Hmm. We batted and got 226 I think. Well played Clint for his half century, Bomber for 48 and Paul Lucas for 23. They got off to a flier, accompanied by the heavy metal amateur wrestling taking place over an adjacent fence. Absolutely Surreal. Angus Helleir - you are a star. Fab bowling. I cried my eyes out at deep mid on. Slowam was skipper for the day and put me on. 3 for 40 off 8 overs was pretty passable I thought. But they got the runs with 3 overs to spare. Another great team. By now I had serious Man Flu. And a hurty knee.
Act Three
Scene Two: Home & Awards
Knackered I drive back to the coast in my Avis Special, arriving just after 11.I was ill, very ill. But happy. It had been a great tour. A vintage in fact. Not the young bubbly affair of 2 years ago or the sour unripe vintage of last year (that Oakey would use in his cooking) but a real vintage.
Awards:
1) Tourist of 2010. Panther. Nominated by Angus and wholeheartedly supported by the rest of us. For his antics in the Hinton game. Panther - you're the man. Your prize is the bat we used in beach cricket, signed by everyone with you as the first proper winner. I shall present it to you when I see you next. We'll pass that baton on next year....assuming you don't win it again!
2) Batting: Well done Stuart for his 67 played with a pulled muscle and bloodied brow. We salute you
3) Bowling: Preacher: A sly look at the score book shows 4-58 in 12 overs across the tour. I think Jamie got 3 (could be wrong) but anyways well done me. Ha!
4) Fielding: Slowman for lots of catches (4 I think)
5) Champagne Moment: Paul's top edge 6 against Hinton (and his dancing celebration)
6) Political incorrectness: Stuart "Fudgepacker" Hepburn
Final Scene: Prologue
Aston being delivered back on Thursday, thanks for asking. New ABS system. Under warranty so ya boo. Avis to collect hire car from home. Aston to be delivered to office. Flu gradually subsiding. Thanks to Angus and Clint for arranging a GREAT tour and for arranging matching tour headwear for us all.
Finally, to end once and for all the gender discussion we had on Saturday night:
She's the boss at home
And when she treats me like a lacky
I put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki!
(The Biscuit)
See you all very soon.
Preacher x
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
"Croc and Ball Story" ***
Dunmow 2nds, at The Park, match drawn
* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees
Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).
Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.
It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.
T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.
We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.
Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.
Champers Moment: Ha!
Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.
Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.
So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.
First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.
Till next time.
Nipples
* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees
Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).
Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.
It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.
T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.
We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.
Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.
Champers Moment: Ha!
Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.
Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.
So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.
First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.
Till next time.
Nipples
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Here Comes the Summer
If this blog entry had been composed 2-3 years ago I'd be sharing with you all about my pre-season fitness training, weight loss and fine-tune coaching lessons at Essex CC and dragging you all out on the two Sundays after Easter to practise. But this season has crept up on me and I find myself selected for Saturday's opener at home (1.30pm start) against Dunmow (groan). How life has changed.
Here is a potted history from J A Priest from the last blog entry till now.
1. Put business on the market (again)
2. Bought a cliff top hideaway in Kent
3. Had my gall bladder removed (keyhole - piece of piss)
4. Became monogamous again
5. Learnt to cook (seriously)
6. Stopped thinking about cricket
I'm adopting a different tack this year. Rather than agonise over technique etc I'm just going to play and enjoy it. You learn to appreciate things when you have had a bit of a break and without the worry of captaincy or finding players etc I can enjoy my status as 'journeyman'. That is the plan. And this will be one of very few outings for the Sat XI (Jo is away this weekend). Most of the time - if Andy picks me - you will find the lesser spotted preacher on a Sunday, probably idling at deep mid wicket waiting for the skipper to give him a couple of overs just to shut hime up.
I am looking forward to it.
I have a plea. My black and green super-sized cricket bag has gone from the home changing room, which is where I left it pre-tour. Please can it be returned. Full amnesty I promise. I have some spare kit at my London flat but it's all over the place and I'd like to play in my first choice trousers.
James or Charlie, may I please have my Newbery back in time for Sat (via Angus if need be). Will be lost without it. Or with it. I trust it has some nice cherries on it now - thanks.
Glad to see Ali is playing this Saturday -assuming he can fly back from Prague in time (ha ha). I shall enjoy our discussions in the field about whether XTC were better after Terry Chambers left or before. And who else? Steve Oakey, Brucie (excellent - slow bowlers union), Client, Angus and maybe Bomber. It shall be like old times. It shall be like when I first played. A mere slip of a 43 year old. I also think Panther might be playing....or not.... all depends oh STOP IT Jon!).
Well done Angus for laying the patio outside the pavilion (finally....) and for clearing the crap around the big oak tree at 'The Preacher End'. Thanks matey.
Looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. Angus, I think I fancy bowling from said end, probably after lunch. Number 8 in the order suits me fine.
With love, friendship and respect.
The boy is back.
Preacher xxx
Here is a potted history from J A Priest from the last blog entry till now.
1. Put business on the market (again)
2. Bought a cliff top hideaway in Kent
3. Had my gall bladder removed (keyhole - piece of piss)
4. Became monogamous again
5. Learnt to cook (seriously)
6. Stopped thinking about cricket
I'm adopting a different tack this year. Rather than agonise over technique etc I'm just going to play and enjoy it. You learn to appreciate things when you have had a bit of a break and without the worry of captaincy or finding players etc I can enjoy my status as 'journeyman'. That is the plan. And this will be one of very few outings for the Sat XI (Jo is away this weekend). Most of the time - if Andy picks me - you will find the lesser spotted preacher on a Sunday, probably idling at deep mid wicket waiting for the skipper to give him a couple of overs just to shut hime up.
I am looking forward to it.
I have a plea. My black and green super-sized cricket bag has gone from the home changing room, which is where I left it pre-tour. Please can it be returned. Full amnesty I promise. I have some spare kit at my London flat but it's all over the place and I'd like to play in my first choice trousers.
James or Charlie, may I please have my Newbery back in time for Sat (via Angus if need be). Will be lost without it. Or with it. I trust it has some nice cherries on it now - thanks.
Glad to see Ali is playing this Saturday -assuming he can fly back from Prague in time (ha ha). I shall enjoy our discussions in the field about whether XTC were better after Terry Chambers left or before. And who else? Steve Oakey, Brucie (excellent - slow bowlers union), Client, Angus and maybe Bomber. It shall be like old times. It shall be like when I first played. A mere slip of a 43 year old. I also think Panther might be playing....or not.... all depends oh STOP IT Jon!).
Well done Angus for laying the patio outside the pavilion (finally....) and for clearing the crap around the big oak tree at 'The Preacher End'. Thanks matey.
Looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. Angus, I think I fancy bowling from said end, probably after lunch. Number 8 in the order suits me fine.
With love, friendship and respect.
The boy is back.
Preacher xxx
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