"Mole Hunt"

The Scene: The interior of SPA's offices in central London. Third floor. Last Tuesday.



JP: Where's Steph? I need to see her


Steph's Assistant (SA): Moscow


JP: (looking puzzled)


SA: It's in Russia. Or what used to be called the Soviet Union


JP: Yes, I know where Moscow is thank you. Client work I take it?


SA: Well she is with a client. At the football....


JP: WHAT?


SA: Y'know - Sony. They sponsor the Champions League. Or is that Playstation? Anyway - they gave her a ticket. A Big Corporate Do. Flights, hotel, everything. Didn't she mention it?


JP: What, mention it to the Chelsea-Supporting-SPA Chairman? Oh I doubt that very much. Can you get her on her Blackberry? Tad urgent


(some minutes later)


Steph: (tipsy) Hi JP


JP: How and why? Leave out no details. No matter how small


Steph: A ticket came up and they invited me. I thought you were going with ITV?


JP: No...


Steph: Or with Sky?


JP: Nope


(silence)


Steph: I have bought you a commemorative scarf...


JP: So I'm here and you're there. In some other world this would make perfect sense


Steph: It's really raining here


JP: Oh well, that's okay then. Glad I'm not there getting wet on the night of the biggest game of my life


Steph (sniggering) You said that as if you were playing


JP: Well enjoy it. And don't worry at all about the 5pm meeting I have scheduled in with you this Friday..


Steph: (laughing) I've just met Fabio Cappello


JP: Bye Steph





Welcome to Captain's Blog. It's been that kind of week. No ticket. And my team lose due to a slip up by their skipper (I know the feeling). And if that isn't arse-ache enough I get double arse ache with the colonic irrigation I have done on Friday (it works by the way - have lost 4 lbs in weight and 2 inches around my gut so up yours Steve Oakey). And Clint has called me about a 1000 times this week about the Sunday side. And what with Ed' foot surgery I so needed a nice friendly cricket match to set me straight.



Which never happened either. We played a cricket match but it wasn't that friendly. Should have been. Could have been. But wasn't. We welcomed Eastwoods from Leigh-on-Sea as our conference fixture and they were nice enough - bit of a rag bag bunch but then so are we. Their hobbit-sized skipper Mark was okay but they... kinda looked like they didn't know each other. Most odd. I lost the toss and Mark inserted and we made 225 thanks to contributions from everyone notably Jamie for another half century and Stevie who got 30-odd opening which was his first bat of the season. That was a good score. So far, so nice.

It all changed after tea (excellent effort on the tea-front JW- Waitrose indeed and freshly made) when they started their innings. Their opener, a small, elf like creature called "Mr Mole" (thanks to Angus for that) nicked one in the first over. Outside off stump, didn't move his fee. Bat miles away from his body. But a definite edged. We all heard it (I heard it a wide mid on!). Did he walk? No sir. Did his team mate who was umpiring raise his finger? No sir. WHAT! How can he stand there when he knew and we knew (and he knew we knew) he'd edged it to Angus?

My blood was up a bit. I know its just a friendly game of village cricket but as Mike said, that's exactly the point. So I instruct Charley to bowl full pelt. We get the other opener out 2nd over with a yorker that smacks the batsman's boot. He literally hobbles back to his hutch. And... they make 151 before Charley gets the last wicket with 20 balls to go. Justice.

Everyone bowled very well, notably Jamie and Charley (a 3-fer each), Paul (2 wickets) and even the spinning skipper got in on the act (and I won't even mention the two dropped catches off my bowling, one of them by my new bessie mate Panther.......).

Man of the Match: Charley - for a great spell of controlled, aggressive bowling, 3 wickets, some runs and a fantastic diving catch at mid off. And he's only 15.

Champagne Moment: Charley's catch

Mug of the Match Moment: How many times has Angus featured in this? This time, with their batsman stranded down the other end he catches the fielder's throw only to miss the easiest stumping in the world by 'throwing the ball out of his gloves' as he attempts the stumping. Unbelievable. Well, not if you know Angus.

So, win number 2. And how did the skipper fare? Well, putting Steve in to open when he arrived so he didn't have time to think about it was not a bad decision, and setting Charley a batting target of 25 to give his something to focus on rather than worrying about getting out was fairly simple psychology (he made 18). And moving Steve to square leg where he took his catch off my bowling. All good stuff. But with 12 overs remaining we needed 6 wickets. Then 5 in 10. Then 4 in 7. It was our ability to close the game out and help get the team believing we could do it that I was most pleased with. We really deserved that victory and it would have been a travesty if we had let them off the hook. WELL DONE EVERYONE. And thanks to Ali for getting me to change my mind and get Charley to bowl straight at the death. Lives and learns - cheers matey.

Some of their players shook our hands but most didn't bother. I made a point of shaking Mark's hand regardless and the hand of their number 4 bat who made 50 when he was walking back to the pavilion because he played well and in the right spirit. That's the Canfield way. They left pretty quickly. Clint - not a team to have back I fancy.

Next week (rain permitting) we are at home to Flitch Pilgrims - the ex-Felstead public schoolboys who gave us a right bloody nose last year. Nice bunch they are but also damn fine players. Let's see if we can give them a game.

Have a great week everyone and well played one and all. We're back. I'm back. And look, so is Steph (with a scarf AND match programme). Glad I never made it in the end.

Laters

Preacherman

"Popular"

Hello play mates and welcome to Captains Blog.

I think it's fair to say that the popularity stock of the skipper and his confounded blog have been higher... bur I blame the weather, work-load and my peculiar sense of humour for that. Let's review the evidence, shall we?

1. The Weather

It was cool and damp on Saturday morning but not actually raining, although the cricket at Lords was delayed due to a wet start. And the weather from London usually ends up at our ground 2-3 hours later. And sure enough at 11.15 precisely it starts to drizzle. Then gets heavier. A really annoying light, misty drizzle. I'm still hopeful at noon it might clear when Jamie calls me from the ground to say "we've had it for the day, Jon". Now Jamie as we all know is a chap of few words. And as groundsman he knows better than any of us. Unlike me he does know what he's doing. The wet Thursday has not had chance to clear and the pitch is soaking. I like to give us as much chance to play as possible, but, on J's informed advice I decide to "call it"right away.

First to call the opposition, Dunmow-Eastons (Angus has their details), then the person on our team doing teas, then those with furthest to travel, then the rest. That's my order. Mike was doing teas and was not best pleased with me ("you are joking?".... Erm, "no") . Even now I suspect he's wondering what to do with 8 French sticks and a catering pack of cheddar ("Ebay?"). Mr Popular I am not. I wonder if I should ask him to do teas next week....?

Everyone else gets a call. I can't get hold of Ali. When I do txt him that the match is off I receive the following txt reply:

"Thnx. I know. I am at the ground..."

Oops. Mr Popular part deux.


2. Work

Due to heavy work-load I couldn't make the very committee meeting I had scheduled and a lot of people hadn't got the message (sorry Bretty). I suspect committee members weren't too impressed by my lack or organisation, planning and communication skills even though they are far too polite to say.


3. Panther

Ah yes. Well, Andy Goodwin had what "Human Resources" might call "some constructive feedback" relating to my blog entry of last week, which he shared via email with most of the club. And raised at the committee meeting. I shall make my peace when I see him next. ("Don't say anything about Panther in your blog this week Jon, you know what you're like, always going just too far. Stop it" - Ruth).

I'm assembling quite a list.

Add to that Brucie who still hasn't played since I under-bowled him against Flitch Pilgrims last year, Ed Priest who refuses to play with me at the moment whilst his raging hormones sort themselves out, Clint who might think I have "backed off" from helping him sort out the Sunday side and Patrick who I never phoned back this week and, erm, do we have a full team of disgruntled players yet?

Of course it will be fine next week. It will be sunny and hot, we'll win the toss, play well and win and everyone will love me again, carrying me on their shoulders in triumph into the bar and buying me drinks.....

Probably.

But until then, I will wear my hair-shirt and walk about hitting myself with my bat every few minutes in order to cleanse myself. And talking about cleaning myself, on the advice of a very good friend I have booked myself in for "colonic hydrotherapy" next week. Seriously. Apparently it really does help relief stress, fatigue and aids a bit of lower abdomen weight loss. Mike said I should have it cos I'm full of sh*te! Fair nuff.

Until then have a great week and see you all on Saturday. I don't know about next week's fixture (who we are playing or if its at home - organisational skills again) but I will be in contact. And if you do phone me back, try not to call me at 10.35pm on my mobile as one player did last week. That's way past the "cut-off". All being well, I shall be calling you from Moscow if my freebie ticket for the Champions League final materialises, thanks to a friendly client. I do, it seems, have one or two friends left!

Till next week.

Preacherman

"Panther"

GCSE Advanced Level English Literature (AEB) Module One

Q1. Consider the following two extracts and discuss which is the most impenetrable and/or frustrating.

We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare;
More substance in the enmities
Than in our Love; O honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.
(extract from The Stare's Nest by my Window, W.B. Yeats, 1919)

I may play for Canfield on Saturday,
Or Stapleford Tawney; if they are short,
I prefer to play for Canfield but also them,
They have twelve players now so I will play for you,
No they don't, they only have ten
I can 'bat for both sides' if you want
What about 12 a side?
Egg & cress sandwiches for tea?
Etc, etc
(extract from The Panther Strikes, A Goodwin, May 2008)

Christ on a bike. Panther - he really is the most likeable chap but he also drives me insane. The phone messages and txt messages and email message of last week concerning who he might play for and all the innumerable combinations this entails. He did indeed end up playing for the Tawney's and when he came in to bat? Well let's just say we all wanted to have a bowl at him. He was as frustrating at the wicket as he was in the above prose, edging it to 3rd man all the time. It goes without saying we love him dearly. And the egg and cress were spot-on mate. Well done for going to Waitrose.

I may go to Waitrose,
Or perhaps Tescos,
Sainsburys is shut
And.. (thank you Patnther)

Welcome to Captains Blog. We won! Oh yessiree. Lovely sunny day as well. And as skipper, let the record show one played a blinder don't you know. First, rather than toss a coin I asked Will their skipper what he prefered to do (being the perfect host). He wanted to field (in that heat, with the, erm 'girth' of some of his players?). Okay by me. Would have batted anyway. So bonus points for Captain Karma.

Next, I promoted Gus to open and he gets his highest ever score in double quick time to give us a solid foundation (42 - bloody well done mate). See? Easy when you know how. Then when we bowled I deliberately started with JW and, what's that? 3 wickets so soon? Ali and I frustrated their best bat Dell until I decide to bring on Jamie who skittles 3 wickets ably helped by Paul who gets 2. A win by 80-odd runs with 10 overs to spare? I know what I'm doing. Part III.

Well done Jamie for his half century and to 'Gus (again) and JW.

Man of the Match: Super Jamie Halls
Champagne Moment: Andy Davies's one-handed juggling catch on the boundary - genius
Mug of the Match: THAT dropped catch. I would say who it was but we all know anyway and Paul will get upset...
Comedy Moment: Their sqaure leg umprire John getting it flush in the shins and saving a certain boundary off my bowling and for hoping about going "ow ow ow". Shouldn't laugh. Yeah - you should.

Felt a bit knackered after. Was at a health farm on Friday entertaining some clients (as one does). That massage really knocked me out. Was half expecting 'a happy finish' but it never came. Got my happy ending on Saturday instead. Ho-ho.

Well done everyone and thanks to Panther and Cath for a great tea. And to Jamie for laying on a great wicket.

Next week we are at home against A Conference Side (tbc) 2pm start, usual drill. I'll leave the last word to Panther:

I can't play next week
Got a Young Farmers BBQ
But can play the week after
Probably
Or not
I will txt you and let you know

I just know he will....

Good weekend all.

Preacherman

"No Show"

Let's give a big warm hand to Halstead Fenns who, at 8pm on Friday night, decided to phone me to call the game off because they couldn't get a team together for Saturday. That's after reassuring us on Wednesday that 'they would be fine'. New team as well and dead keen in March when they begged to play us. Tossers. Convention dictates that calling the game off with less than 24 hours before the match starts is terribly poor form. So I spend the next hour phoning and texting everyone the match is off. Most took it in their stride, expect the following player:

JP match off

Ali why?

JP they couldn't get a team

Ali why?

JP I don't know!!

Ali Sorry - I am a bit pissed

Ali "Preecher! Game's off then. They couldn't get a team? I'm a bit pissed"

etc


This got me thinking how impossible it is for me to play cricket. Yes very funny. But let us consider the following factors (or 'variables') that need to be in play and divide by the number of match we have:

1. Do we have a full side to put out (Y/N)
2. Do the opposition have a full side to put out (Y/N)
3. Will the opposition actually show up on the day (Y/N)
4. Will it be pissing down with rain (Y/N)
5. Will I get a bat (Y/N)
6. Will I bat passably well (Y/N)
7. Will I bowl passably well (Y/N)
8. Will we win (Y/N)

You see my point. Eight things have to happen in sequence for me to have a really good game. Eight! We only play 20-odd games a season. So I should play well two and a half times a season which.... is about right actually. I tell you, it's a burden being this smart all the time.

Anyway, I turned out and skippered the Sunday side instead and yes, I got a duck again and no wickets but at least we got a draw. I now have the worse batting and bowling average at the club. Go me!

This coming Saturday we are at home to the Mighty Stapleford Tawney complete with Andy Lee (Manager), Will Beagles (Skipper) and Dell (useful #3 bat - who Ali dropped off my bowling last year before he scored loads). They are my fav visiting team and we look forward to hosting them. It was a real cliff-hanger last year I seem to recall - even in the rain. Panther is doing tea so celebrations all round. 2pm at the Park. Angus - I want you to open.

I'll phone and and get the team ready in the next day or so.

FYI There will be a committee meeting next Tuesday, 13th May at 8pm at The Hall's Pavilion.

Good week all,

Cheers

Preecher