Porkies ****

Game ratings:

* Pork sword
** Porkie pies
*** Pork-some-ham
**** Pork chop
***** Pork chop with apple sauce

Go see Avenue Q which I believe is still showing to rave reviews at the Haymarket Theatre. I took Ruth and the kids last Christmas on a friend's recommendation and it didn't disappoint. Think The Muppets meet The Rocky Horrow Show; all larger-than-life puppets operated by skilled actors with suggestive antics and very rude song lyrics. I don't do musical theatre as a rule, but this was so politically incorrect it was delicious. What other shows feature songs such as "It Sucks to be Me" or "The Internet is for Porn" or (my favorite) "Everyone's a Little Bit Racists (But That Doesn't Mean We All Want to go Off and Committ Hate Crimes")?

Everyone is a little bit racist and, I think, GCCC Sat XI were on the end of it last Saturday. Hainault were our guests and featured 10 pretty orthodox Muslim Pakistanis plus (slightly ironically) one aging white fella - the token white if you will. Now we need some cultural insight here. Unlike a lot of my team mates I lived in the East End for many years. So did Will Beagles who was guesting for Canfield for the day. We both know from experience that a) teams like this are on the receiving end of vulgar and aggressive racism all the time and they view any new white team with suspicion; they get their retaliation in first, b) Pakistani teams GENUINELY be live they are not out when given LBW but also GENUINELY believe the opposition batsman is out under the same ruling. Finally, c) they will win at all costs and consider bending the rules perfectly acceptable. It's just a cultural thing and no big deal. I thunk there is a word for it in their language that means "to win by deception/to fool the enemy" and is very much regarded as the highest form of victory. A kind of Maradona's hand-of-Ala goal if you will.

We won the toss (a good toss to win) and made 277 thanks to Mike carrying his bat for 120-odd and a swashbuckling 69 from Will Beagles (who, please note, was using my bat...). It was my turn to host tea and, err, gosh what a lot of pig meat I seem to have prepared. Oh dear - the opposition will have to pig out (oops sorry) on salad, cheese and the generous chocolate biccie selection. I didn't know they were a Muslim side. If I had I would have been more accommodating. Well, I would have got more cherry tomato's that's for sure (both garnish AND salad ingredient?)

I asked for the ball to be changed when we started after tea because it had swelled with all the rain and was out of shape. They agreed... after a consultation. Their skipper then asked if one of our non-playing members (Bretty) who was kindly helping out by umpiring could stand down as they wanted to use their own umpires (as we had when we batted). Fair enough. Bretty took it in his stride..... sort of. Well he strode off pretty quickly I know that.

And that set the tone. Charlie got a wicket in the first over and Mitch one in the second. In the third over their number 3 bat edged it behind to Jamie. It was obvious. We all heard it. We all saw it. The batsman didn't walk and the umpire.... claimed not to have heard anything. For the first time I can remember Jamie lost it and marched towards their batsman shouting "you have got to be kidding me..." Mike chipped in with "seriously bat, that is a despicable". I said something like "calm down, leave it, we've all had a drink, it aint worth it, don't touch me, etc". You HAVE to defer to the umpire. Of course the rest writes itself... Steve Oakey spends his spell trying to knock the batsman's head off and fails but does hit him smack on the big toe. But their batsman stays put and piles on the runs. There we other dubious goings on; like the batsman saying they had crossed when one wicket fell when they clearly hadn't, a ridiculous LBW that they turned down (hitting the foot in the popping crease is going to be out LBW even if you are blind) and many others. Jamie caught the offending batsman out in the end off Steve's bowling and gave an Eric Morcambe "way-ha" as he plucked the ball from the Sky. They got 180 off 24 overs and were all out.

Well bowled Charlie, Mitch and Steve and well kept Jamie. Charlie also took a couple of marvelous catches and Steve and Paul also caught a wicket a-piece.

Man of the Match: Mike for his best score in 2 years (really well played mate)
Champagne Moment: Jamie for his "way-ha" catch
Mug of the Match: Me for a pork-themed tea

We shook hands after and there were a few smiles. But they left without saying goodbye. The token white middle aged player stayed behind to reconcile the score books and said the game had been played in the right spirit! We'll end up dropping Hainault next season obviously. And that reflects poorly on us I feel. Hainault will feel hard done by by yet another white team and this will fan the implicit racial undertones for when they next play. This is a shame. And it's so not what Great Canfield are about. I wish I could have explained that to them. But wherever they go cultural misunderstanding will be the elephant in the room. Such is life.

So win number 6 of the season, one shy of last season with a lot of fixtures to go. What a skipper, huh? (er, no Jon...)

Next week we are at home to Lyndsel (GROAN). I know, I know. Look, lets just get it out of the way, maybe hold onto a draw and then go on holiday. 2pm at the ground. I need a team volunteer. Hold the pork.

See you next week.

Nipples