The Fall*

* Theme from Sparta FC #2
** Totally Wired
*** How I wrote Elastic Man
**** Firey Jack
***** Ghost in my House

Insomnia continues so have been trying a new tack. Question: who would be my top 9 (10 including me) guests at my dream diner party? Am allowed anyone from history alive or dead but no-one fictional or mythological (like the devil or Jesus, etc) or characters from films or books (so no Homer Simpson). Got to have the right blend - most important. This was meant to send me to sleep but I ended up getting a pad and pen and actually writing down the names. After numerous drafts I finally settled with:

Karl Popper
Groucho Marx
Joe Strummer
Ali Ross (to serve the wine)
Fidel Castro
Peter Osgood
Mark E Smith
Derek Underwood
Anne Frank
Me

Okay so there is only one woman/girl but I reckon she could hold her own. Joe and Mark would end up fighting and Groucho would have to break it up. Karl would listen and (as a philosopher who fine-tuned Logical Positivism for western minds) would probably end up getting wankered. Fidel and Groucho would do a comedy routine. Ossie and Underwood would swap stories of sporting endeavour with me and Ali trying to chip in and Anne and Ali would end up snogging. Perfect. Until I change my mind on my final 10 again (loads in reserve: like Issac Newton - a right bastard by all accounts, De-Vinci, my parents, etc)

My favourite guest would be Mark E Smith from the Fall; the band that the great John Peel (another reserve) said should be used as a yardstick for all other bands. I have been reading Mark's (excellent) autobiography at night, as yet another aid to insomnia, and it is a cracking read. He IS bonkers. No doubt about it. So I checked out The Fall selection on my ipod. Did you know that "Theme from Sparta FC #2" is used as the soundtrack to the BBC's Final Score at Saturday tea time? Mark was invited to read out the scores in place of James Alexander Gordon last year and did it completely sober - which was a first. So this was my song of choice as I drove to the ground ahead of the Sampfords game on Saturday:

Come on I will show you how I will change/
When you give me something to slaughter/
Shepherd boy (hey)/
Everybody sing (hey)/
Better act quick (hey)/

Be my toy/
Come on have a bet/
We live on blood/
We are Sparta FC

The song is actually about English footie fans getting a right kicking abroad (something the BBC failed to notice). I thought Canfield would be doing the kicking on Saturday but oh no; the kicking boot was well on the other foot. We were the something to slaughter alright. I won the toss and inserted (on Bretty's advice) and we bowled pretty well with Brucie (welcome back again) taking 3 wickets bowling loopy off spin. I bowled leg spin from the other end and got 2 wickets with Paul getting 3 for the 2nd match running and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd match running. But they got 267 which was a tough ask.

We were down on a few regulars - no Ali, Mike, Steve Oakey etc but Bomber was playing and so was Andy D and Jamie of course. We just about made it past the drink interval scoring 90-odd and a defeat by 180-odd runs. The Rayner boys did their best and so did 10 year old Tom Pearson but we were slaughtered and our winning run has come to an end in fine Canfield style.

Man of Match: Jo - for her excellent tea
Champagne moment: me for winning the toss
Mug of the match: us lot for turning up

There were some highlights: their no. 3 bat getting out on 98 off a no-ball was funny (well caught Jamie) and their 'keeper getting a duck (caught by one of their sub fielders as well) for the 5th game in a row without scoring was a bit funny. And Paul bowled well. But with the team we had the top order had to bat well and that never happened. And us bowlers were a tad expensive at the death (they put on 60 in the last 8 overs). Never mind.

Three more games to go. East Haningfield (a) next week, Eastons (h) - when I will be in Monaco - and finally North Weald Basset (h). The Saturday after the last game, on the 20th there is a Sat v Sun XI 20: twenty thrash-a-bout with a curry to follow in the clubhouse. A good way to end the season.

Anyway. I have some work to do, And, if you are reading this at your desk, so do you.

Till next week

We have to pay for everything/
But some things are for free/
We live on blood/
We are Sampfords CC/

Oh belt up Mark and pass the butter.

Laters

Nipples