I spent too much money, looked far too glad
Now I have so little of what I once had
Now the summer is over I can count the cost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost
Did so much damage deep inside
The party's over it's going home time
The cathedral is empty, no one's at home
Winter approaching, paradise postponed
Now the summer is over I can count the cost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost
The rain won't stop falling and the people look lost
Footprints on the beaches are now footprints in the frost
Rang lots of numbers and walked many miles
I watched the Flintstones and tuned my dial
To a brand new station where the beat comes in
Now its all over
Winter begins
(Difford/Tilbrook from the album Baylon And On)
Thanks everyone for a great season. See some of you around and about. See a few of you at the AGM in February. The rest I shall see in the 2nd week of April 2009 for pre-season nets. I have some personal stuff to sort out but will be back next season I promise. So will Captains Blog v3.0 "The Wonder Years".
On behalf of all of GCCC congratulations to Jamie and Claire on the birth of their first baby son, Alfie. A high note upon which to end the season indeed.
Don't forget what I've taught you (and try and keep the weight off).
With love, friendship and respect.
JP
Monday, 22 September 2008
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Return of the Pink Panther
Never a fan actually. Of the TV programme I mean. Wedged somewhere in the BBC's tea-time Bermuda Triangle of a schedule after Final Score but before the News it was vexing at best. Why was the kid in the opening credits in his pyjamas? And how come he was allowed to drive that car at his age IN his pyjamas? The animation was all 60s inspired Parisian backgrounds on a budget with that short-arsed police detective and his shout-y commissioner. And then they added Crazy Legged Crane to the mix! And the pink chocolate bars you could get of the same name were inedible, even to a 12 year old with a sugar craving as dangerous as a Raleigh chopper. I much prefered Banana Splits, or HR Puffandstuff or Fingerbobs. Happy days
Our Panther, well now you're talking. It won't come as too much of a surprise to hear that there was some toing-and-a-froing between stand-in Skip Angus and Panther concerning his potential availability (or not) for Saturday's return match against North Weald Basset (aka The Team With The Girl). You know the sort of thing by now: "Yes, I can play, opps no not sure, wife's 40th to organise, I'll let you know, if you're short just say, I have to iron my socks mind, might be late, etc, etc"
In the end he played and, batting at number 3, scored a maiden half-century (58) which was utterly brilliant and we were, as a team united in being absolutely delighted for him. Oh there was the odd play and miss, the hilarious dropped catch and (fabulous this) starting to walk off the pitch when he got his 50! (No Panther - you can't declare, back you go, there's a good chap...). For me it was the unbridled highlight of the season. A player who is popular with his team mates who lacks a bit of confidence at the crease had the time to face his demons and over come them on, it should be stressed, a seaming and unpredictable pitch against their best bowlers. Well played Panther. You really are in the pink. Okay, so we'll hear about it forever but so what, he deserves to tell his tale and we deserve to listen. Great effort. Just don't milk it (yeah - like I wouldn't).
And that was that really. They turned up (minus The Girl), won the toss, inserted on a drying pitch, and skittled us out for 118 in 36 overs. They knocked off the required runs in less than 20 overs with their strikingly original nick-named number 5 bat "Snakey" walloping us all over the place. And he was dropped on 6 as well..... Never mind. Well played them. I think as a team we were all suffering from end of season cant-be-arsed-ness. Or some suchlike. Wello done Charlie (BGB) for taking all 3 wickets we managed.
This was our chance to win 8 games in the season but alas, it was not to be. I was away in Monaco when the Eastons game was called off (have you seen the £ to Euro exchange rate recently? I have, upfront and personal. One euro doesn't go very far these days and is, frankly, disabled and unable to move in the Principality that is Monaco). Still, 7 wins equals last year so last year was no fluke, right? I know what I'm doing. And yes Ali - I don know how to set a field thank you. Cheeky sod.
Man of the Match: Panther
Mug of the Match: Nipples for not seeing the ball as it whizzed past him at chest height on the boundary (I have booked a session at SpecSavers - really I have)
Champagne Moment: Panther starting to walk off the pitch....
There will be one more blog entry after this one detailing the Sat XIs thrashing of the Sun XI next weekend in the end of season 20twenty thrash-a-thon. But as is customary I am taking the opportunity afforded me by the blog to announce the Skippers unofficial awards for 2008 a week beforehand.
Unofficial 'awards' from Captain Nipples:
Most improved player: Charlie Potter (Big Girl's Blouse)
Clubman of the year: Paul Lucas
Best Nickname: Captain Nipples
Best injury (on-field): Paul Lucas for nose job (against Weathersfield)
Best injury (off field): Ali Ross for head banging (against table in room)
Tourist of the year: Johnny Slowan (who STILL has not paid his share of the tour)
Joey Deaken catching award: Captain Nipples
Most Valuable Player: Jamie Halls
Most Interesting/Complex Personal Life: Captain Nipples
Most Improved Bat: Steve Oakey (Angus comes a close second)
Most Improved Bowling: Charlie Potter
Most Improved Fielding: Panther
Best tea: Paul & Lynda Lucas
Comedy moment: Nipples running away from catch v Southwold on tour
Best squabble: Hainault at home ("Frankly, that's despicable" Mike Emery)
Best match: Eastons away
Memorable moment: Panthers maiden 50
Next Saturday is the big one. It has been mooted in the past that some club members think it's not in the spirit of the club to have a Sat v Sun match as we are all one big happy family. Not me. I fancy our chances actually. Andy Silkstone? Getting past it if you ask me (and has dodgy ankle), Mike Silkstone? needs a haircut. Will Parker? can't play spin. Err, is there anyone else I can annoy or wind up? Probably. I am so up for it. Hepburn? no form you see. The chance of bowling spin to the Sunday side is soooo delicious. And then a curry and a drink up in the pavilion and then over to Panther's wife's 40th birthday bash at High Trees. He did invite us....
So now you've met the Pink Panther (Pink Panther)
And its as plain as your nose
That he's the one and only truly original
Panther pink from head to toes
See, even the song at the end of the programme is utter shite.
Committee meeting at 12.30 Sat. Then a 2.30 start for the final, final game of the season. It goes without saying I have started my pre-season training all ready.
Well done Panther.
Capt. Nipples
Our Panther, well now you're talking. It won't come as too much of a surprise to hear that there was some toing-and-a-froing between stand-in Skip Angus and Panther concerning his potential availability (or not) for Saturday's return match against North Weald Basset (aka The Team With The Girl). You know the sort of thing by now: "Yes, I can play, opps no not sure, wife's 40th to organise, I'll let you know, if you're short just say, I have to iron my socks mind, might be late, etc, etc"
In the end he played and, batting at number 3, scored a maiden half-century (58) which was utterly brilliant and we were, as a team united in being absolutely delighted for him. Oh there was the odd play and miss, the hilarious dropped catch and (fabulous this) starting to walk off the pitch when he got his 50! (No Panther - you can't declare, back you go, there's a good chap...). For me it was the unbridled highlight of the season. A player who is popular with his team mates who lacks a bit of confidence at the crease had the time to face his demons and over come them on, it should be stressed, a seaming and unpredictable pitch against their best bowlers. Well played Panther. You really are in the pink. Okay, so we'll hear about it forever but so what, he deserves to tell his tale and we deserve to listen. Great effort. Just don't milk it (yeah - like I wouldn't).
And that was that really. They turned up (minus The Girl), won the toss, inserted on a drying pitch, and skittled us out for 118 in 36 overs. They knocked off the required runs in less than 20 overs with their strikingly original nick-named number 5 bat "Snakey" walloping us all over the place. And he was dropped on 6 as well..... Never mind. Well played them. I think as a team we were all suffering from end of season cant-be-arsed-ness. Or some suchlike. Wello done Charlie (BGB) for taking all 3 wickets we managed.
This was our chance to win 8 games in the season but alas, it was not to be. I was away in Monaco when the Eastons game was called off (have you seen the £ to Euro exchange rate recently? I have, upfront and personal. One euro doesn't go very far these days and is, frankly, disabled and unable to move in the Principality that is Monaco). Still, 7 wins equals last year so last year was no fluke, right? I know what I'm doing. And yes Ali - I don know how to set a field thank you. Cheeky sod.
Man of the Match: Panther
Mug of the Match: Nipples for not seeing the ball as it whizzed past him at chest height on the boundary (I have booked a session at SpecSavers - really I have)
Champagne Moment: Panther starting to walk off the pitch....
There will be one more blog entry after this one detailing the Sat XIs thrashing of the Sun XI next weekend in the end of season 20twenty thrash-a-thon. But as is customary I am taking the opportunity afforded me by the blog to announce the Skippers unofficial awards for 2008 a week beforehand.
Unofficial 'awards' from Captain Nipples:
Most improved player: Charlie Potter (Big Girl's Blouse)
Clubman of the year: Paul Lucas
Best Nickname: Captain Nipples
Best injury (on-field): Paul Lucas for nose job (against Weathersfield)
Best injury (off field): Ali Ross for head banging (against table in room)
Tourist of the year: Johnny Slowan (who STILL has not paid his share of the tour)
Joey Deaken catching award: Captain Nipples
Most Valuable Player: Jamie Halls
Most Interesting/Complex Personal Life: Captain Nipples
Most Improved Bat: Steve Oakey (Angus comes a close second)
Most Improved Bowling: Charlie Potter
Most Improved Fielding: Panther
Best tea: Paul & Lynda Lucas
Comedy moment: Nipples running away from catch v Southwold on tour
Best squabble: Hainault at home ("Frankly, that's despicable" Mike Emery)
Best match: Eastons away
Memorable moment: Panthers maiden 50
Next Saturday is the big one. It has been mooted in the past that some club members think it's not in the spirit of the club to have a Sat v Sun match as we are all one big happy family. Not me. I fancy our chances actually. Andy Silkstone? Getting past it if you ask me (and has dodgy ankle), Mike Silkstone? needs a haircut. Will Parker? can't play spin. Err, is there anyone else I can annoy or wind up? Probably. I am so up for it. Hepburn? no form you see. The chance of bowling spin to the Sunday side is soooo delicious. And then a curry and a drink up in the pavilion and then over to Panther's wife's 40th birthday bash at High Trees. He did invite us....
So now you've met the Pink Panther (Pink Panther)
And its as plain as your nose
That he's the one and only truly original
Panther pink from head to toes
See, even the song at the end of the programme is utter shite.
Committee meeting at 12.30 Sat. Then a 2.30 start for the final, final game of the season. It goes without saying I have started my pre-season training all ready.
Well done Panther.
Capt. Nipples
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
The Fall*
* Theme from Sparta FC #2
** Totally Wired
*** How I wrote Elastic Man
**** Firey Jack
***** Ghost in my House
Insomnia continues so have been trying a new tack. Question: who would be my top 9 (10 including me) guests at my dream diner party? Am allowed anyone from history alive or dead but no-one fictional or mythological (like the devil or Jesus, etc) or characters from films or books (so no Homer Simpson). Got to have the right blend - most important. This was meant to send me to sleep but I ended up getting a pad and pen and actually writing down the names. After numerous drafts I finally settled with:
Karl Popper
Groucho Marx
Joe Strummer
Ali Ross (to serve the wine)
Fidel Castro
Peter Osgood
Mark E Smith
Derek Underwood
Anne Frank
Me
Okay so there is only one woman/girl but I reckon she could hold her own. Joe and Mark would end up fighting and Groucho would have to break it up. Karl would listen and (as a philosopher who fine-tuned Logical Positivism for western minds) would probably end up getting wankered. Fidel and Groucho would do a comedy routine. Ossie and Underwood would swap stories of sporting endeavour with me and Ali trying to chip in and Anne and Ali would end up snogging. Perfect. Until I change my mind on my final 10 again (loads in reserve: like Issac Newton - a right bastard by all accounts, De-Vinci, my parents, etc)
My favourite guest would be Mark E Smith from the Fall; the band that the great John Peel (another reserve) said should be used as a yardstick for all other bands. I have been reading Mark's (excellent) autobiography at night, as yet another aid to insomnia, and it is a cracking read. He IS bonkers. No doubt about it. So I checked out The Fall selection on my ipod. Did you know that "Theme from Sparta FC #2" is used as the soundtrack to the BBC's Final Score at Saturday tea time? Mark was invited to read out the scores in place of James Alexander Gordon last year and did it completely sober - which was a first. So this was my song of choice as I drove to the ground ahead of the Sampfords game on Saturday:
Come on I will show you how I will change/
When you give me something to slaughter/
Shepherd boy (hey)/
Everybody sing (hey)/
Better act quick (hey)/
Be my toy/
Come on have a bet/
We live on blood/
We are Sparta FC
The song is actually about English footie fans getting a right kicking abroad (something the BBC failed to notice). I thought Canfield would be doing the kicking on Saturday but oh no; the kicking boot was well on the other foot. We were the something to slaughter alright. I won the toss and inserted (on Bretty's advice) and we bowled pretty well with Brucie (welcome back again) taking 3 wickets bowling loopy off spin. I bowled leg spin from the other end and got 2 wickets with Paul getting 3 for the 2nd match running and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd match running. But they got 267 which was a tough ask.
We were down on a few regulars - no Ali, Mike, Steve Oakey etc but Bomber was playing and so was Andy D and Jamie of course. We just about made it past the drink interval scoring 90-odd and a defeat by 180-odd runs. The Rayner boys did their best and so did 10 year old Tom Pearson but we were slaughtered and our winning run has come to an end in fine Canfield style.
Man of Match: Jo - for her excellent tea
Champagne moment: me for winning the toss
Mug of the match: us lot for turning up
There were some highlights: their no. 3 bat getting out on 98 off a no-ball was funny (well caught Jamie) and their 'keeper getting a duck (caught by one of their sub fielders as well) for the 5th game in a row without scoring was a bit funny. And Paul bowled well. But with the team we had the top order had to bat well and that never happened. And us bowlers were a tad expensive at the death (they put on 60 in the last 8 overs). Never mind.
Three more games to go. East Haningfield (a) next week, Eastons (h) - when I will be in Monaco - and finally North Weald Basset (h). The Saturday after the last game, on the 20th there is a Sat v Sun XI 20: twenty thrash-a-bout with a curry to follow in the clubhouse. A good way to end the season.
Anyway. I have some work to do, And, if you are reading this at your desk, so do you.
Till next week
We have to pay for everything/
But some things are for free/
We live on blood/
We are Sampfords CC/
Oh belt up Mark and pass the butter.
Laters
Nipples
** Totally Wired
*** How I wrote Elastic Man
**** Firey Jack
***** Ghost in my House
Insomnia continues so have been trying a new tack. Question: who would be my top 9 (10 including me) guests at my dream diner party? Am allowed anyone from history alive or dead but no-one fictional or mythological (like the devil or Jesus, etc) or characters from films or books (so no Homer Simpson). Got to have the right blend - most important. This was meant to send me to sleep but I ended up getting a pad and pen and actually writing down the names. After numerous drafts I finally settled with:
Karl Popper
Groucho Marx
Joe Strummer
Ali Ross (to serve the wine)
Fidel Castro
Peter Osgood
Mark E Smith
Derek Underwood
Anne Frank
Me
Okay so there is only one woman/girl but I reckon she could hold her own. Joe and Mark would end up fighting and Groucho would have to break it up. Karl would listen and (as a philosopher who fine-tuned Logical Positivism for western minds) would probably end up getting wankered. Fidel and Groucho would do a comedy routine. Ossie and Underwood would swap stories of sporting endeavour with me and Ali trying to chip in and Anne and Ali would end up snogging. Perfect. Until I change my mind on my final 10 again (loads in reserve: like Issac Newton - a right bastard by all accounts, De-Vinci, my parents, etc)
My favourite guest would be Mark E Smith from the Fall; the band that the great John Peel (another reserve) said should be used as a yardstick for all other bands. I have been reading Mark's (excellent) autobiography at night, as yet another aid to insomnia, and it is a cracking read. He IS bonkers. No doubt about it. So I checked out The Fall selection on my ipod. Did you know that "Theme from Sparta FC #2" is used as the soundtrack to the BBC's Final Score at Saturday tea time? Mark was invited to read out the scores in place of James Alexander Gordon last year and did it completely sober - which was a first. So this was my song of choice as I drove to the ground ahead of the Sampfords game on Saturday:
Come on I will show you how I will change/
When you give me something to slaughter/
Shepherd boy (hey)/
Everybody sing (hey)/
Better act quick (hey)/
Be my toy/
Come on have a bet/
We live on blood/
We are Sparta FC
The song is actually about English footie fans getting a right kicking abroad (something the BBC failed to notice). I thought Canfield would be doing the kicking on Saturday but oh no; the kicking boot was well on the other foot. We were the something to slaughter alright. I won the toss and inserted (on Bretty's advice) and we bowled pretty well with Brucie (welcome back again) taking 3 wickets bowling loopy off spin. I bowled leg spin from the other end and got 2 wickets with Paul getting 3 for the 2nd match running and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd match running. But they got 267 which was a tough ask.
We were down on a few regulars - no Ali, Mike, Steve Oakey etc but Bomber was playing and so was Andy D and Jamie of course. We just about made it past the drink interval scoring 90-odd and a defeat by 180-odd runs. The Rayner boys did their best and so did 10 year old Tom Pearson but we were slaughtered and our winning run has come to an end in fine Canfield style.
Man of Match: Jo - for her excellent tea
Champagne moment: me for winning the toss
Mug of the match: us lot for turning up
There were some highlights: their no. 3 bat getting out on 98 off a no-ball was funny (well caught Jamie) and their 'keeper getting a duck (caught by one of their sub fielders as well) for the 5th game in a row without scoring was a bit funny. And Paul bowled well. But with the team we had the top order had to bat well and that never happened. And us bowlers were a tad expensive at the death (they put on 60 in the last 8 overs). Never mind.
Three more games to go. East Haningfield (a) next week, Eastons (h) - when I will be in Monaco - and finally North Weald Basset (h). The Saturday after the last game, on the 20th there is a Sat v Sun XI 20: twenty thrash-a-bout with a curry to follow in the clubhouse. A good way to end the season.
Anyway. I have some work to do, And, if you are reading this at your desk, so do you.
Till next week
We have to pay for everything/
But some things are for free/
We live on blood/
We are Sampfords CC/
Oh belt up Mark and pass the butter.
Laters
Nipples
Monday, 18 August 2008
Girls Allowed?****
* Primark
** TK Max
*** Urban Outfitters
**** Top Shop
***** New Look
I seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time recently sharing intricate details of my private life with all and sundry at GCCC and not, I might add, at my bequest. So I'm imposing an immediate moratorium on the subject that is, Capt Nipples' Private Life. But as a parting shot, did you know I'm a dreadful insomniac? Of yes, my other non-bat & ball mates know this well. Famous for it. And over the years I have come up with numerous ways of drooping off in the wee small hours, including the shots I play in my imagination to bring me my maiden century. I usually fall asleep in the mid 30s (even in sleep life mocks me). Failing that, I spend my time re-editing the top 6 things that would go in my own personal Room 101.
Now plump up the cushions and make yourself comfy; I have loads of things that annoy me or that I hate or have a phobia of. Such as: New Years Eve, People Who Wear Trainers Without Laces in Them, Royal Mail Delivery Vans, Airports, Submarines, Hospitals, White Wine, The Middle Class - I could go on. These (and other things) jostle for positions 2,3,4,5. But number 1 is always the same. Always. Gentleman I give you - The Olympics.
It goes on too long, "Team GB" are hopeless under-achievers (and yes I include the current Olympics in that comment), and the sports? Why are some in (5 meter air rifle shooting anyone?) and some not (like cricket?). As AA Gill says the problem with The Olympiad (Olympiad?) is it's too much sport and not enough Games. I might like it more if it included gamey-type sports like Snooker, Darts, 10-Pin Bowling, Shove a'penny, etc. But it's so dull. And its doubled up with a men's race then a woman's race - why not do mixed racing and give the girls, I dunno, a 1/2 lap head start or something? Or handicap the male runners like in horse racing?
Which is a neat step into this week blog theme which is that political hot potato of Girls on a Cricket Field. Now don't all start up at once. I don't really mind (honest). It just LOOKS WRONG. Like female Black Cab Drivers or Old People eating Pizza there is something suss about it. And of course, it brings in the added embarrassment factor. Like getting bowled or caught by one. Being caught or bowled by a small boy is bad enough. But a girl? Can you imagine the grief?
North Weald (or North Weald Basset to give them their full name) had a girl in their team. A 13-year old called Laura. This was a master stroke by their skipper - guaranteed to get us panicking before the game even started. The Wealders are a really nice bunch actually and, having lost out to them last season at our place, I was keen for a win at their council rec ground. Y'know the type of ground- bumpy pitch, bumpy outfield, local chavs in football tops kicking a football about in the outfield. Sigh. I lost the toss and we were put in. The bounce was a tad uneven to say the least. It took Ali 32 overs and 6 hours to score 7 runs (or that's what it seemed like) but, with contributions from Steve Oakey (45), Bretty (30-odd) Andy D and - it has to be said - myself, we got to 173 which on that pitch was a bit of score. It was a timed game so they had to chase after tea and were never up with the rate, losing there 3 best batters cheaply and scoring at 2 an over. Paul got 3 wickets and a hat-trick chance and there were 2 wickets for Charlie ("oooh - I have a nosebleed"), Nipples and 1 each for Ali, Steve and Jamie. All out for 120-odd with 3 overs left.
Laura did okay and we did slow it down for her which is as it should be. Angus even gave here some advice at the crease. Good stuff. But we stuffed them basically - which was only the 2nd game they had lost all season or so they said. Go us. Win number 7, which equals last seasons total and we still have, what 4-5 games to go?
Man of the Match: Steve for his knock that helped us push on
Moan of the Match: BGB for getting a nosebleed (!)
Champagne Moment: Now then - it's me. I don't give myself much credit in the blog other than being the Comic Relief, but, that ball? The one that pitched way outside leg, spat, jumped and turned to whizz past off? Yes that one. The one the batsman said was a "miracle ball". That the CPM this week - so there.
Well done everyone. Next week we're at home to Sampfords (who we did the double over us last year) but they beat us at their place earlier in the season when we only had 9 players (two of which were youngsters). Another local derby where revenge is due. Win number 8? Let's do it.
When I think about it we do have a girl in our side already. I'm sure we do. From a distance I mean. Tall, flowing curly locks, wears a big girls blouse. Any clues as to who I mean....
Till next week.
Nipples
** TK Max
*** Urban Outfitters
**** Top Shop
***** New Look
I seem to have spent an inordinate amount of time recently sharing intricate details of my private life with all and sundry at GCCC and not, I might add, at my bequest. So I'm imposing an immediate moratorium on the subject that is, Capt Nipples' Private Life. But as a parting shot, did you know I'm a dreadful insomniac? Of yes, my other non-bat & ball mates know this well. Famous for it. And over the years I have come up with numerous ways of drooping off in the wee small hours, including the shots I play in my imagination to bring me my maiden century. I usually fall asleep in the mid 30s (even in sleep life mocks me). Failing that, I spend my time re-editing the top 6 things that would go in my own personal Room 101.
Now plump up the cushions and make yourself comfy; I have loads of things that annoy me or that I hate or have a phobia of. Such as: New Years Eve, People Who Wear Trainers Without Laces in Them, Royal Mail Delivery Vans, Airports, Submarines, Hospitals, White Wine, The Middle Class - I could go on. These (and other things) jostle for positions 2,3,4,5. But number 1 is always the same. Always. Gentleman I give you - The Olympics.
It goes on too long, "Team GB" are hopeless under-achievers (and yes I include the current Olympics in that comment), and the sports? Why are some in (5 meter air rifle shooting anyone?) and some not (like cricket?). As AA Gill says the problem with The Olympiad (Olympiad?) is it's too much sport and not enough Games. I might like it more if it included gamey-type sports like Snooker, Darts, 10-Pin Bowling, Shove a'penny, etc. But it's so dull. And its doubled up with a men's race then a woman's race - why not do mixed racing and give the girls, I dunno, a 1/2 lap head start or something? Or handicap the male runners like in horse racing?
Which is a neat step into this week blog theme which is that political hot potato of Girls on a Cricket Field. Now don't all start up at once. I don't really mind (honest). It just LOOKS WRONG. Like female Black Cab Drivers or Old People eating Pizza there is something suss about it. And of course, it brings in the added embarrassment factor. Like getting bowled or caught by one. Being caught or bowled by a small boy is bad enough. But a girl? Can you imagine the grief?
North Weald (or North Weald Basset to give them their full name) had a girl in their team. A 13-year old called Laura. This was a master stroke by their skipper - guaranteed to get us panicking before the game even started. The Wealders are a really nice bunch actually and, having lost out to them last season at our place, I was keen for a win at their council rec ground. Y'know the type of ground- bumpy pitch, bumpy outfield, local chavs in football tops kicking a football about in the outfield. Sigh. I lost the toss and we were put in. The bounce was a tad uneven to say the least. It took Ali 32 overs and 6 hours to score 7 runs (or that's what it seemed like) but, with contributions from Steve Oakey (45), Bretty (30-odd) Andy D and - it has to be said - myself, we got to 173 which on that pitch was a bit of score. It was a timed game so they had to chase after tea and were never up with the rate, losing there 3 best batters cheaply and scoring at 2 an over. Paul got 3 wickets and a hat-trick chance and there were 2 wickets for Charlie ("oooh - I have a nosebleed"), Nipples and 1 each for Ali, Steve and Jamie. All out for 120-odd with 3 overs left.
Laura did okay and we did slow it down for her which is as it should be. Angus even gave here some advice at the crease. Good stuff. But we stuffed them basically - which was only the 2nd game they had lost all season or so they said. Go us. Win number 7, which equals last seasons total and we still have, what 4-5 games to go?
Man of the Match: Steve for his knock that helped us push on
Moan of the Match: BGB for getting a nosebleed (!)
Champagne Moment: Now then - it's me. I don't give myself much credit in the blog other than being the Comic Relief, but, that ball? The one that pitched way outside leg, spat, jumped and turned to whizz past off? Yes that one. The one the batsman said was a "miracle ball". That the CPM this week - so there.
Well done everyone. Next week we're at home to Sampfords (who we did the double over us last year) but they beat us at their place earlier in the season when we only had 9 players (two of which were youngsters). Another local derby where revenge is due. Win number 8? Let's do it.
When I think about it we do have a girl in our side already. I'm sure we do. From a distance I mean. Tall, flowing curly locks, wears a big girls blouse. Any clues as to who I mean....
Till next week.
Nipples
Monday, 11 August 2008
The Art of Captaincy?
Saturday's home game against Lindsel was a wash-out. We gave it a half-hearted go for 15 overs but the drizzle was the only winner on the day. So we all retired for an early tea (thanks to JW and family for another superb home baked effort) and beers. Simply can't believe it's August...
When I was made captain a couple of seasons ago I ordered Mike Brearly's excellent book The Art of Captaincy online and read it cover to cover to get some knowledge and inspiration. A week or so before the first game Clint popped by and, very kindly, presented me with another copy - a battered well thumbed 2nd hand edition together with his best wishes (thanks Clint). When my mate Ian Butler pooped down from Birmingham half-way through my first season he bought me a copy as well. Then Will Beagles bought me one when S.T.A.R.T played us in May. That's FOUR copies now - what are people trying to tell me I wonder?
But, and how odd is this, joking aside GCCC Sat XI have won 13 matches during my reign thus far - loads more than in previous seasons. And it looks like we will surpass the number of wins this season compared to last year with much the same players and opposition. Which begs the question, what is Captain Nipples' Art of Captaincy? Well, as it's a bit of a dud week blog-wise what with no game to report, I shall tell you my 'rules'. Feel free to take the piss. Believe it or not I do have a strategy for skippering the team and its kinda routed in my approach to business management and 'leadership'. Comments welcome.
Captain Nipples and his Art of Captaincy
Rule 1. Remember Why We Are Here. Now this can be easy to forget in the heat of the battle but we give up our Saturdays because we love the game so much. It is a very enjoyable thing to do. But this 'thing' is not just about playing. For a lot of our players there is a lot of standing around in the field and sitting around waiting to bat. There is a lot of 'dead time' during a match. Rule 1 is about making this dead time meaningful. Larking about, banter, encouragement, that sort of thing. I try to foster an atmosphere of conviviality before during and after the game. That is why we are here.
Rule 2. Balance the Side. There are good players and less good players, youngsters and oldies, batters and bowlers, fit players and, err Bretty. Although selection is usually limited by who is available I try and get a balanced side and I always try to include one youngster like Robert Halls or Tom Pierson or Harry Rayner - the future of the club. That's my policy. A balanced side means we always have a chance. How many teams have we played who could bat or bowl but not do both? A balanced side doesn't mean our strongest side or our 'best' side. I go for a balanced side every time.
Rule 3. Be Receptive to Help and Advice. Less enlightened skippers might consider un-asked for suggestions or advice or opinion as somehow denting their authority. I don't understand that. There a a lot more experienced and more talented players in the team than me and only a fool would ignore their advice. Ali, Mike, Angus etc all tend to spot things I have missed. Only an idiot would not listen to his lieutenants. Sometimes you have to make a ruling if 4 players have 4 different opinions but Rule 3 is about listening. Listening is actually what leadership is all about. That's one thing in business I know to be true.
Rule 4. Bring Players On. I'm a big fan of changing the batting order, promoting players up the order who rarely get a bat so they can get time at the crease and get used to being there, for changing the bowling attack, etc. It keeps things fresh and it usually works - see how well Gus has batted this season? And instilling confidence in young talented players like Charlie (BGB) and seeing them rise to the challenge is great to see. Give everyone a game but also give them targets to go for. I don't ever want to patronise players by 'giving them a game'. I want it to feel real. To matter.
Rule 5. Conduct Yourself Appropriately. Remember who you are and what you represent. I am very proud of GCCC and for what the club stands for. I don't go for histrionics, I don't sledge or abuse the opposition, I don't sulk or mooch about. Players take their cue from the skipper and behaving like a twat is not on. I'm much more likely to laugh at myself than anyone in the team (apart from Ali, or Panther) - JOKING!
Rule 6. It is not a Sin to Compete. We don't play to win at all costs but neither are we other team's punch bags any more. It's fun to win - to deal with the pressure and overcome our personal demons and to make a contribution - fielding, catching, runs or wickets. Competing the right way is key. It's the hardest part of skippering in my view.
Rule 7. The Players Must Want You to Skipper Them. If they don't wanna play for you or don't enjoy it you are dead in the water. Which is why fostering the right atmosphere and attitude is so important. I can't lead by example with my batting or my fielding. Maybe with the ball sometimes. But that doesn't have to matter if you get the 'important' things right.
And that's it. The tactical stuff on the pitch is a lot easier for me now. If you trust your bowlers and they know you trust them then they will do they best and enjoy it. And the team will field hard for them because they want to. That's true team spirit in my opinion. And I think GCCC Sat XI has the best team spirit of all the teams we play.
Things like setting a leg side field when Paul bowls or making sure Jamie fields in a catching position or that Panther patrols the cover boundary because of his speed, etc you just kind pick up as you go along. It's no big deal. But boy do we play well together. And its great to see.
So there you are the 7 Rules of Captain Nipples. Comments most welcome.
Next Saturday we are away to North Weald who we really should have walloped last year but we let them off the hook and they sneaked a victory. I'll email location of the ground, etc during the week. Let's see if I can put my 7 Rule into practise (7 Rules? honestly what a tosser I am...). But I know what I'm doing..... sort of.
See you on Saturday weather permitting.
Cheers
Nipples
When I was made captain a couple of seasons ago I ordered Mike Brearly's excellent book The Art of Captaincy online and read it cover to cover to get some knowledge and inspiration. A week or so before the first game Clint popped by and, very kindly, presented me with another copy - a battered well thumbed 2nd hand edition together with his best wishes (thanks Clint). When my mate Ian Butler pooped down from Birmingham half-way through my first season he bought me a copy as well. Then Will Beagles bought me one when S.T.A.R.T played us in May. That's FOUR copies now - what are people trying to tell me I wonder?
But, and how odd is this, joking aside GCCC Sat XI have won 13 matches during my reign thus far - loads more than in previous seasons. And it looks like we will surpass the number of wins this season compared to last year with much the same players and opposition. Which begs the question, what is Captain Nipples' Art of Captaincy? Well, as it's a bit of a dud week blog-wise what with no game to report, I shall tell you my 'rules'. Feel free to take the piss. Believe it or not I do have a strategy for skippering the team and its kinda routed in my approach to business management and 'leadership'. Comments welcome.
Captain Nipples and his Art of Captaincy
Rule 1. Remember Why We Are Here. Now this can be easy to forget in the heat of the battle but we give up our Saturdays because we love the game so much. It is a very enjoyable thing to do. But this 'thing' is not just about playing. For a lot of our players there is a lot of standing around in the field and sitting around waiting to bat. There is a lot of 'dead time' during a match. Rule 1 is about making this dead time meaningful. Larking about, banter, encouragement, that sort of thing. I try to foster an atmosphere of conviviality before during and after the game. That is why we are here.
Rule 2. Balance the Side. There are good players and less good players, youngsters and oldies, batters and bowlers, fit players and, err Bretty. Although selection is usually limited by who is available I try and get a balanced side and I always try to include one youngster like Robert Halls or Tom Pierson or Harry Rayner - the future of the club. That's my policy. A balanced side means we always have a chance. How many teams have we played who could bat or bowl but not do both? A balanced side doesn't mean our strongest side or our 'best' side. I go for a balanced side every time.
Rule 3. Be Receptive to Help and Advice. Less enlightened skippers might consider un-asked for suggestions or advice or opinion as somehow denting their authority. I don't understand that. There a a lot more experienced and more talented players in the team than me and only a fool would ignore their advice. Ali, Mike, Angus etc all tend to spot things I have missed. Only an idiot would not listen to his lieutenants. Sometimes you have to make a ruling if 4 players have 4 different opinions but Rule 3 is about listening. Listening is actually what leadership is all about. That's one thing in business I know to be true.
Rule 4. Bring Players On. I'm a big fan of changing the batting order, promoting players up the order who rarely get a bat so they can get time at the crease and get used to being there, for changing the bowling attack, etc. It keeps things fresh and it usually works - see how well Gus has batted this season? And instilling confidence in young talented players like Charlie (BGB) and seeing them rise to the challenge is great to see. Give everyone a game but also give them targets to go for. I don't ever want to patronise players by 'giving them a game'. I want it to feel real. To matter.
Rule 5. Conduct Yourself Appropriately. Remember who you are and what you represent. I am very proud of GCCC and for what the club stands for. I don't go for histrionics, I don't sledge or abuse the opposition, I don't sulk or mooch about. Players take their cue from the skipper and behaving like a twat is not on. I'm much more likely to laugh at myself than anyone in the team (apart from Ali, or Panther) - JOKING!
Rule 6. It is not a Sin to Compete. We don't play to win at all costs but neither are we other team's punch bags any more. It's fun to win - to deal with the pressure and overcome our personal demons and to make a contribution - fielding, catching, runs or wickets. Competing the right way is key. It's the hardest part of skippering in my view.
Rule 7. The Players Must Want You to Skipper Them. If they don't wanna play for you or don't enjoy it you are dead in the water. Which is why fostering the right atmosphere and attitude is so important. I can't lead by example with my batting or my fielding. Maybe with the ball sometimes. But that doesn't have to matter if you get the 'important' things right.
And that's it. The tactical stuff on the pitch is a lot easier for me now. If you trust your bowlers and they know you trust them then they will do they best and enjoy it. And the team will field hard for them because they want to. That's true team spirit in my opinion. And I think GCCC Sat XI has the best team spirit of all the teams we play.
Things like setting a leg side field when Paul bowls or making sure Jamie fields in a catching position or that Panther patrols the cover boundary because of his speed, etc you just kind pick up as you go along. It's no big deal. But boy do we play well together. And its great to see.
So there you are the 7 Rules of Captain Nipples. Comments most welcome.
Next Saturday we are away to North Weald who we really should have walloped last year but we let them off the hook and they sneaked a victory. I'll email location of the ground, etc during the week. Let's see if I can put my 7 Rule into practise (7 Rules? honestly what a tosser I am...). But I know what I'm doing..... sort of.
See you on Saturday weather permitting.
Cheers
Nipples
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Porkies ****
Game ratings:
* Pork sword
** Porkie pies
*** Pork-some-ham
**** Pork chop
***** Pork chop with apple sauce
Go see Avenue Q which I believe is still showing to rave reviews at the Haymarket Theatre. I took Ruth and the kids last Christmas on a friend's recommendation and it didn't disappoint. Think The Muppets meet The Rocky Horrow Show; all larger-than-life puppets operated by skilled actors with suggestive antics and very rude song lyrics. I don't do musical theatre as a rule, but this was so politically incorrect it was delicious. What other shows feature songs such as "It Sucks to be Me" or "The Internet is for Porn" or (my favorite) "Everyone's a Little Bit Racists (But That Doesn't Mean We All Want to go Off and Committ Hate Crimes")?
Everyone is a little bit racist and, I think, GCCC Sat XI were on the end of it last Saturday. Hainault were our guests and featured 10 pretty orthodox Muslim Pakistanis plus (slightly ironically) one aging white fella - the token white if you will. Now we need some cultural insight here. Unlike a lot of my team mates I lived in the East End for many years. So did Will Beagles who was guesting for Canfield for the day. We both know from experience that a) teams like this are on the receiving end of vulgar and aggressive racism all the time and they view any new white team with suspicion; they get their retaliation in first, b) Pakistani teams GENUINELY be live they are not out when given LBW but also GENUINELY believe the opposition batsman is out under the same ruling. Finally, c) they will win at all costs and consider bending the rules perfectly acceptable. It's just a cultural thing and no big deal. I thunk there is a word for it in their language that means "to win by deception/to fool the enemy" and is very much regarded as the highest form of victory. A kind of Maradona's hand-of-Ala goal if you will.
We won the toss (a good toss to win) and made 277 thanks to Mike carrying his bat for 120-odd and a swashbuckling 69 from Will Beagles (who, please note, was using my bat...). It was my turn to host tea and, err, gosh what a lot of pig meat I seem to have prepared. Oh dear - the opposition will have to pig out (oops sorry) on salad, cheese and the generous chocolate biccie selection. I didn't know they were a Muslim side. If I had I would have been more accommodating. Well, I would have got more cherry tomato's that's for sure (both garnish AND salad ingredient?)
I asked for the ball to be changed when we started after tea because it had swelled with all the rain and was out of shape. They agreed... after a consultation. Their skipper then asked if one of our non-playing members (Bretty) who was kindly helping out by umpiring could stand down as they wanted to use their own umpires (as we had when we batted). Fair enough. Bretty took it in his stride..... sort of. Well he strode off pretty quickly I know that.
And that set the tone. Charlie got a wicket in the first over and Mitch one in the second. In the third over their number 3 bat edged it behind to Jamie. It was obvious. We all heard it. We all saw it. The batsman didn't walk and the umpire.... claimed not to have heard anything. For the first time I can remember Jamie lost it and marched towards their batsman shouting "you have got to be kidding me..." Mike chipped in with "seriously bat, that is a despicable". I said something like "calm down, leave it, we've all had a drink, it aint worth it, don't touch me, etc". You HAVE to defer to the umpire. Of course the rest writes itself... Steve Oakey spends his spell trying to knock the batsman's head off and fails but does hit him smack on the big toe. But their batsman stays put and piles on the runs. There we other dubious goings on; like the batsman saying they had crossed when one wicket fell when they clearly hadn't, a ridiculous LBW that they turned down (hitting the foot in the popping crease is going to be out LBW even if you are blind) and many others. Jamie caught the offending batsman out in the end off Steve's bowling and gave an Eric Morcambe "way-ha" as he plucked the ball from the Sky. They got 180 off 24 overs and were all out.
Well bowled Charlie, Mitch and Steve and well kept Jamie. Charlie also took a couple of marvelous catches and Steve and Paul also caught a wicket a-piece.
Man of the Match: Mike for his best score in 2 years (really well played mate)
Champagne Moment: Jamie for his "way-ha" catch
Mug of the Match: Me for a pork-themed tea
We shook hands after and there were a few smiles. But they left without saying goodbye. The token white middle aged player stayed behind to reconcile the score books and said the game had been played in the right spirit! We'll end up dropping Hainault next season obviously. And that reflects poorly on us I feel. Hainault will feel hard done by by yet another white team and this will fan the implicit racial undertones for when they next play. This is a shame. And it's so not what Great Canfield are about. I wish I could have explained that to them. But wherever they go cultural misunderstanding will be the elephant in the room. Such is life.
So win number 6 of the season, one shy of last season with a lot of fixtures to go. What a skipper, huh? (er, no Jon...)
Next week we are at home to Lyndsel (GROAN). I know, I know. Look, lets just get it out of the way, maybe hold onto a draw and then go on holiday. 2pm at the ground. I need a team volunteer. Hold the pork.
See you next week.
Nipples
* Pork sword
** Porkie pies
*** Pork-some-ham
**** Pork chop
***** Pork chop with apple sauce
Go see Avenue Q which I believe is still showing to rave reviews at the Haymarket Theatre. I took Ruth and the kids last Christmas on a friend's recommendation and it didn't disappoint. Think The Muppets meet The Rocky Horrow Show; all larger-than-life puppets operated by skilled actors with suggestive antics and very rude song lyrics. I don't do musical theatre as a rule, but this was so politically incorrect it was delicious. What other shows feature songs such as "It Sucks to be Me" or "The Internet is for Porn" or (my favorite) "Everyone's a Little Bit Racists (But That Doesn't Mean We All Want to go Off and Committ Hate Crimes")?
Everyone is a little bit racist and, I think, GCCC Sat XI were on the end of it last Saturday. Hainault were our guests and featured 10 pretty orthodox Muslim Pakistanis plus (slightly ironically) one aging white fella - the token white if you will. Now we need some cultural insight here. Unlike a lot of my team mates I lived in the East End for many years. So did Will Beagles who was guesting for Canfield for the day. We both know from experience that a) teams like this are on the receiving end of vulgar and aggressive racism all the time and they view any new white team with suspicion; they get their retaliation in first, b) Pakistani teams GENUINELY be live they are not out when given LBW but also GENUINELY believe the opposition batsman is out under the same ruling. Finally, c) they will win at all costs and consider bending the rules perfectly acceptable. It's just a cultural thing and no big deal. I thunk there is a word for it in their language that means "to win by deception/to fool the enemy" and is very much regarded as the highest form of victory. A kind of Maradona's hand-of-Ala goal if you will.
We won the toss (a good toss to win) and made 277 thanks to Mike carrying his bat for 120-odd and a swashbuckling 69 from Will Beagles (who, please note, was using my bat...). It was my turn to host tea and, err, gosh what a lot of pig meat I seem to have prepared. Oh dear - the opposition will have to pig out (oops sorry) on salad, cheese and the generous chocolate biccie selection. I didn't know they were a Muslim side. If I had I would have been more accommodating. Well, I would have got more cherry tomato's that's for sure (both garnish AND salad ingredient?)
I asked for the ball to be changed when we started after tea because it had swelled with all the rain and was out of shape. They agreed... after a consultation. Their skipper then asked if one of our non-playing members (Bretty) who was kindly helping out by umpiring could stand down as they wanted to use their own umpires (as we had when we batted). Fair enough. Bretty took it in his stride..... sort of. Well he strode off pretty quickly I know that.
And that set the tone. Charlie got a wicket in the first over and Mitch one in the second. In the third over their number 3 bat edged it behind to Jamie. It was obvious. We all heard it. We all saw it. The batsman didn't walk and the umpire.... claimed not to have heard anything. For the first time I can remember Jamie lost it and marched towards their batsman shouting "you have got to be kidding me..." Mike chipped in with "seriously bat, that is a despicable". I said something like "calm down, leave it, we've all had a drink, it aint worth it, don't touch me, etc". You HAVE to defer to the umpire. Of course the rest writes itself... Steve Oakey spends his spell trying to knock the batsman's head off and fails but does hit him smack on the big toe. But their batsman stays put and piles on the runs. There we other dubious goings on; like the batsman saying they had crossed when one wicket fell when they clearly hadn't, a ridiculous LBW that they turned down (hitting the foot in the popping crease is going to be out LBW even if you are blind) and many others. Jamie caught the offending batsman out in the end off Steve's bowling and gave an Eric Morcambe "way-ha" as he plucked the ball from the Sky. They got 180 off 24 overs and were all out.
Well bowled Charlie, Mitch and Steve and well kept Jamie. Charlie also took a couple of marvelous catches and Steve and Paul also caught a wicket a-piece.
Man of the Match: Mike for his best score in 2 years (really well played mate)
Champagne Moment: Jamie for his "way-ha" catch
Mug of the Match: Me for a pork-themed tea
We shook hands after and there were a few smiles. But they left without saying goodbye. The token white middle aged player stayed behind to reconcile the score books and said the game had been played in the right spirit! We'll end up dropping Hainault next season obviously. And that reflects poorly on us I feel. Hainault will feel hard done by by yet another white team and this will fan the implicit racial undertones for when they next play. This is a shame. And it's so not what Great Canfield are about. I wish I could have explained that to them. But wherever they go cultural misunderstanding will be the elephant in the room. Such is life.
So win number 6 of the season, one shy of last season with a lot of fixtures to go. What a skipper, huh? (er, no Jon...)
Next week we are at home to Lyndsel (GROAN). I know, I know. Look, lets just get it out of the way, maybe hold onto a draw and then go on holiday. 2pm at the ground. I need a team volunteer. Hold the pork.
See you next week.
Nipples
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
BLOG SPECIAL: CRICKET TOUR 2008, SUFFOLK
"YAXFORD!"
Hello one and all or, as they say in Saxmundham, Yarp! What a tour, huh? Had everything, blood, sweat and beers. So much to pack in something is gonna have to give, so that'll be the cricket reports then. Where do we begin...? How about in the bar? The same bar that saw Ali down a whole bottle of rum only to pass out in his room and crack his head open on the TV table... the same bar that saw "tourist of the year" Johnny Slowman snog the bar girl in the early hours....the same bar that served the woody, oaky, dark rich pints of Adnams favoured by the real ale cognoscenti of the touring party (yawn) as opposed to the quality fizz that is probably the best lager in the world.
I arrived with Ali, Mike and Johnny on Friday evening having (note careful planning here) packed the car with quality beers and wines for the journey. We were already too late. Clint, Jamie, Bretty Angus and Silky had arrived at lunch-time and were smashed on the local cider. £1 fines for saying the words 'no', 'drink' and alternate hand drinking on the hour soon saw us notably poorer. To diner in the restaurant. Jamie very ill next days because (excellent excuse this) of the garlicy/chick pee thing accompanying his chicken. And definitely not the 6 pints of cider.... To the pub and karaoke. Messy. Preecherman doing his pole dance with nipples a-go-go. Lots of local chatter (yarp...yarp?...yarp!). To bed pissed but happy. I send some personal texts. As you do...
Saturday. Match day 1. Off we toddle to Southwold shouting the names of every daft sounding village we pass through beginning with... YAXFORD! and this became the rallying cry of the tour. Nothing against the village at all. I'm sure its v. v. nice. The locals stared as "The Iron Horses With Wheels" drive past. We wave a sympathetic wave. The kind of wave that says "I am SO glad I don't live here". To the ground, then into town for a mini beach break, then The Admiral Nelson for beers and food and to meet up with Bomber, Stevie, Paul and JW (Panther is nowhere to be seen having locked his car in his car keys or some suchlike (Mike "Fish, hmmm. bit over-done...hmm disappointing...hmm... easily done....I grow my own fish you know....in the garden....feed them on Adnams....yarp!).
The Southwold team are 1st class lads but cattle class cricketers. Yee gods. It was like a team of 11 Preachermen batting on a good-ish day. We took it easy and they got 140-odd. And how stupid did we feel when we found out one of their 'clowning' batsman suffers from MS and he STILL looked better at the crease than me. Yarp! At tea I decided the 11 batters would pick their batting order out of a hat. Some were lucky (like me at number 11) some less so. For a fiver into the kitty you could swap with someone. A good laugh.... except we nearly lost the game as our top order collapsed. Well done Angus (42) and then Johnny S and Clint for seeing us home with 8 overs to spare. Another win for the Sat XI (number 5 this season) and yes Stuart it does count as a Saturday win. Pub then back to Saxmundham (FACT: Did you know that Saxmundham is an old Viking word meaning "I want to kill myself if I stay here a moment longer"? Apparently so). A curry. The Chair arrives and we settle down to watch the entertainment ... which is Johnny S getting very pisssed then gaging on a a teaspoon of vindaloo). Back to the hotel, the bar, Ali and a bottle of rum. To bed. I send some personal texts. As you do....
Sunday and match day 2. Another cooked breakfast? So soon? The day before Mike and Ali had wine accompanying their breakfasts. So very rock and roll. I had tea myself. Off we go to Auburgh where The Chair has an early retirement home. Bomber and Clint go swimming in the sea. Lovely. Bomber comes out and he forgets he is still wearing his skin coloured bathing cap... (ho-ho). Why we didn't nick their clothes I have no idea. Wander around a bit. Then off to The Chequers at Framlingham for chips and drinks. There is a slide in the beer garden - Johnny S is happy.
The ground is lush and I warm up trying to catch rugby balls and then chasing Slowman around the park Benny Hill style. They look a crack side. All public school self-confidence and polite aggression at the crease. But all our Christmases have come at once with Jamie getting 2 wickets in the first over. Then another. Then another. To give em a chance The Chair put me on so they could at least go for 5 an over and they could make a game of it. They got 125 all out with 11 over remaining and we knocked off the required runs thanks to Bomber and Johnny S with a couple of over remaining. I leave early with Ali to follow up on some personal txts. As you do...
Played 2 won 2.
Which brings me neatly onto... The Tour Awards:
Tourist of the Year: Johhny S for high quality badinage (look it up) and banter with Preacherman, snogging A GIRL for the first time and for serious drinking and some top draw cricket including the champagne moment which was his catch at cover against Brandesden. Well played. Tour ranking 10/10
Best Tour Nickname: Gentleman, I give you Captain Nipples! Thanks to The Chair for that. My tour ranking is a generous 9.5 for providing the comic relief and my very own sex chat party line. And for using my company credit card.
Best Self Inflicted Injury: A close call this one between Mike (my backs gone) Emery, Ali (my head is bleeding) Ross and Jamie (dicki tummy) Halls. Ali wins. Tour ranking 9.5
Quote of the Tour: "The ball just has a habit of finding him... its just he's the last person you want under it" (Bomber about Captain Nipples). Bomber scores 8.5 for dry humour and for wearing his swimming cap the whole time.
Best Dressed Tourist: Could be Panther ("I can't wear brown because it make me look.... brown"), Nipples ("tight t-shirts that filled out nicely as the night goes on") and Angus ("Tesco shirt and detachable trousers!"). Gus wins hands down. 8.5
Can't Catch, Won't Catch: Me again versus Southwold. Balls a bit high. Coming to me. I shall move out of the way I think. Just awful. Hope no-one notices. They do. Oh yes they do.
The tour was great. I haven't laughed so much for ages. Mostly at myself it has to be said. Everyone wants to do it again but maybe somewhere else next year? I think East Sussex would make a great venue. Dulcie is very accommodating don't you know. Or so Johnny Slowman tells me...
Right, that's your lot. Till next time. Take it easy. And remember...
YAXFORD!
Captain Nipples
Hello one and all or, as they say in Saxmundham, Yarp! What a tour, huh? Had everything, blood, sweat and beers. So much to pack in something is gonna have to give, so that'll be the cricket reports then. Where do we begin...? How about in the bar? The same bar that saw Ali down a whole bottle of rum only to pass out in his room and crack his head open on the TV table... the same bar that saw "tourist of the year" Johnny Slowman snog the bar girl in the early hours....the same bar that served the woody, oaky, dark rich pints of Adnams favoured by the real ale cognoscenti of the touring party (yawn) as opposed to the quality fizz that is probably the best lager in the world.
I arrived with Ali, Mike and Johnny on Friday evening having (note careful planning here) packed the car with quality beers and wines for the journey. We were already too late. Clint, Jamie, Bretty Angus and Silky had arrived at lunch-time and were smashed on the local cider. £1 fines for saying the words 'no', 'drink' and alternate hand drinking on the hour soon saw us notably poorer. To diner in the restaurant. Jamie very ill next days because (excellent excuse this) of the garlicy/chick pee thing accompanying his chicken. And definitely not the 6 pints of cider.... To the pub and karaoke. Messy. Preecherman doing his pole dance with nipples a-go-go. Lots of local chatter (yarp...yarp?...yarp!). To bed pissed but happy. I send some personal texts. As you do...
Saturday. Match day 1. Off we toddle to Southwold shouting the names of every daft sounding village we pass through beginning with... YAXFORD! and this became the rallying cry of the tour. Nothing against the village at all. I'm sure its v. v. nice. The locals stared as "The Iron Horses With Wheels" drive past. We wave a sympathetic wave. The kind of wave that says "I am SO glad I don't live here". To the ground, then into town for a mini beach break, then The Admiral Nelson for beers and food and to meet up with Bomber, Stevie, Paul and JW (Panther is nowhere to be seen having locked his car in his car keys or some suchlike (Mike "Fish, hmmm. bit over-done...hmm disappointing...hmm... easily done....I grow my own fish you know....in the garden....feed them on Adnams....yarp!).
The Southwold team are 1st class lads but cattle class cricketers. Yee gods. It was like a team of 11 Preachermen batting on a good-ish day. We took it easy and they got 140-odd. And how stupid did we feel when we found out one of their 'clowning' batsman suffers from MS and he STILL looked better at the crease than me. Yarp! At tea I decided the 11 batters would pick their batting order out of a hat. Some were lucky (like me at number 11) some less so. For a fiver into the kitty you could swap with someone. A good laugh.... except we nearly lost the game as our top order collapsed. Well done Angus (42) and then Johnny S and Clint for seeing us home with 8 overs to spare. Another win for the Sat XI (number 5 this season) and yes Stuart it does count as a Saturday win. Pub then back to Saxmundham (FACT: Did you know that Saxmundham is an old Viking word meaning "I want to kill myself if I stay here a moment longer"? Apparently so). A curry. The Chair arrives and we settle down to watch the entertainment ... which is Johnny S getting very pisssed then gaging on a a teaspoon of vindaloo). Back to the hotel, the bar, Ali and a bottle of rum. To bed. I send some personal texts. As you do....
Sunday and match day 2. Another cooked breakfast? So soon? The day before Mike and Ali had wine accompanying their breakfasts. So very rock and roll. I had tea myself. Off we go to Auburgh where The Chair has an early retirement home. Bomber and Clint go swimming in the sea. Lovely. Bomber comes out and he forgets he is still wearing his skin coloured bathing cap... (ho-ho). Why we didn't nick their clothes I have no idea. Wander around a bit. Then off to The Chequers at Framlingham for chips and drinks. There is a slide in the beer garden - Johnny S is happy.
The ground is lush and I warm up trying to catch rugby balls and then chasing Slowman around the park Benny Hill style. They look a crack side. All public school self-confidence and polite aggression at the crease. But all our Christmases have come at once with Jamie getting 2 wickets in the first over. Then another. Then another. To give em a chance The Chair put me on so they could at least go for 5 an over and they could make a game of it. They got 125 all out with 11 over remaining and we knocked off the required runs thanks to Bomber and Johnny S with a couple of over remaining. I leave early with Ali to follow up on some personal txts. As you do...
Played 2 won 2.
Which brings me neatly onto... The Tour Awards:
Tourist of the Year: Johhny S for high quality badinage (look it up) and banter with Preacherman, snogging A GIRL for the first time and for serious drinking and some top draw cricket including the champagne moment which was his catch at cover against Brandesden. Well played. Tour ranking 10/10
Best Tour Nickname: Gentleman, I give you Captain Nipples! Thanks to The Chair for that. My tour ranking is a generous 9.5 for providing the comic relief and my very own sex chat party line. And for using my company credit card.
Best Self Inflicted Injury: A close call this one between Mike (my backs gone) Emery, Ali (my head is bleeding) Ross and Jamie (dicki tummy) Halls. Ali wins. Tour ranking 9.5
Quote of the Tour: "The ball just has a habit of finding him... its just he's the last person you want under it" (Bomber about Captain Nipples). Bomber scores 8.5 for dry humour and for wearing his swimming cap the whole time.
Best Dressed Tourist: Could be Panther ("I can't wear brown because it make me look.... brown"), Nipples ("tight t-shirts that filled out nicely as the night goes on") and Angus ("Tesco shirt and detachable trousers!"). Gus wins hands down. 8.5
Can't Catch, Won't Catch: Me again versus Southwold. Balls a bit high. Coming to me. I shall move out of the way I think. Just awful. Hope no-one notices. They do. Oh yes they do.
Silky had the best dry witted comments of the tour, Bretty looked more and more like a local and Clint and Angus were the Chuckle Bros. Thanks god for Paula and JW for representing the more sensible side of the tour. Great fun.
Special thanks to the Bell Hotel, Saxmundham (FACT: did you know that Saxmundham is an old Suffok word meaning "I want to go home now please"? Apparently so) and the hotel staff for being so polite and so punctuall (Eat now please. Go now please. Etc), and to Clint for organising the fixtures.
The tour was great. I haven't laughed so much for ages. Mostly at myself it has to be said. Everyone wants to do it again but maybe somewhere else next year? I think East Sussex would make a great venue. Dulcie is very accommodating don't you know. Or so Johnny Slowman tells me...
Right, that's your lot. Till next time. Take it easy. And remember...
YAXFORD!
Captain Nipples
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Nine Men Went to Mow***
* Samfox
** Sambooka
*** Sampdoria
**** SamJanus
***** SamSmiths
I have been busy this week choosing my pic for an industry work thing-y I've been nominated for. I'm going for a kinda intelligent but naughty with a touch of louche mystery look - a moody b&w affair with film noir back liting. The darker the lighting the better Lou my pa reckons. Which reminds me, if any of you are the remotest bit interested go to www.spa-mr.com and check out the cute girls and guys I work with. A sup rising number of you have already done this (Steve Oakey, Ali, etc). But feel free anyway. Our website has just had a makeover so I welcome your comments. But do be kind. The gallery bit is great fun. Lots of pained expressions.
Talking of which, the best pained expression on Saturday was Sampfords number 5 bat who got run our by (super) Robert Halls on Saturday, although he gets beaten into 2nd place by their affable skipper Greg who got run off via a fluke deflection from Ali fielding his own bowling.
Honestly what a shithole Sampfords is. I know, I know I don't mean to slag everywhere else off but from the stupid 2-piece suite that carry out on to the outfield, to the complete carsey of a toilet (the rat holes are a lovely courtesy detail), the cramped changing room with not light fitting to the 'square' aka a patch of grass akin to what your dad would cut into the lawn at home to celebrate your first cricket set, it really is tragic. We HATE playing there, If it weren't for the bangers and chips gratis in the Red Lion after I don't think we would bother.
Details then. I won the toss and batted. We only had 9 players (sorry POB and JW - my mistake) and two of those were young Robert and Ned (aged 9). But we gave it a right old go making just south of 200 thanks to some explosive batting from Jamie and healthy contributions from Gus, Ali and James Potter (well done James). It was a good score and I felt confident at tea especially given our derisory start. But we'd feel it in the field with only 9 bodies. And we did.
But do you know what? I could not have been prouder. We chased, harried, and never let up and got 7 wickets and put the willies right up 'em. Charlie Potter (BGB) bowled the best I have seen him - aggressive and accurate and got 3 wickets including the 2 openers. Then Ned bowled and got a wicket, then the run-outs, then I got in on the act. But they won with 3 overs and a couple of wickets left. But with 7 men and 2 boys we sooo punched above our weight. Well done everyone.
Man of the match: Charlie for his bowling (and scoring the grand total of ....3)
Champagne moment: Rob Hall's run out
Mug of the match: me - for batting not bowling first
And there was a bit of argy bargy at the wicket. One of their guys was sauntering down for a single when Ali pinged the ball in. He just got home. I told him not to look at the fielder or he'd run himself out. He said he'd look where he liked, mate. Then Rob ran him out. I did warn him. And reminded him of this as he left the square. We shook hands though. At the end. Sort of.
Next week we are away (boo) again to Eastons (boo). Grudge game this and I am taking a rest. My mind has not been on it and my batting is woeful. So I need a break. Angus is in charge. The team is (tbc):
A. Silkstone
M. Silkstone
A. Ross
A. Pearson
Tom
Angus
Brucie
Steve Oakey
John Williams
Jamie Halls
Paul Lucas
But will confirm.
A great effort, a really great effort. And Sampfords get there revenge for us doing the double over them last year. Lets beat em at home, yeah?
See you in a fortnight. And for god's sake sort yourselves out!
This is Jon Pries, News at Ten, living in the moment.
Laters.
P
** Sambooka
*** Sampdoria
**** SamJanus
***** SamSmiths
I have been busy this week choosing my pic for an industry work thing-y I've been nominated for. I'm going for a kinda intelligent but naughty with a touch of louche mystery look - a moody b&w affair with film noir back liting. The darker the lighting the better Lou my pa reckons. Which reminds me, if any of you are the remotest bit interested go to www.spa-mr.com and check out the cute girls and guys I work with. A sup rising number of you have already done this (Steve Oakey, Ali, etc). But feel free anyway. Our website has just had a makeover so I welcome your comments. But do be kind. The gallery bit is great fun. Lots of pained expressions.
Talking of which, the best pained expression on Saturday was Sampfords number 5 bat who got run our by (super) Robert Halls on Saturday, although he gets beaten into 2nd place by their affable skipper Greg who got run off via a fluke deflection from Ali fielding his own bowling.
Honestly what a shithole Sampfords is. I know, I know I don't mean to slag everywhere else off but from the stupid 2-piece suite that carry out on to the outfield, to the complete carsey of a toilet (the rat holes are a lovely courtesy detail), the cramped changing room with not light fitting to the 'square' aka a patch of grass akin to what your dad would cut into the lawn at home to celebrate your first cricket set, it really is tragic. We HATE playing there, If it weren't for the bangers and chips gratis in the Red Lion after I don't think we would bother.
Details then. I won the toss and batted. We only had 9 players (sorry POB and JW - my mistake) and two of those were young Robert and Ned (aged 9). But we gave it a right old go making just south of 200 thanks to some explosive batting from Jamie and healthy contributions from Gus, Ali and James Potter (well done James). It was a good score and I felt confident at tea especially given our derisory start. But we'd feel it in the field with only 9 bodies. And we did.
But do you know what? I could not have been prouder. We chased, harried, and never let up and got 7 wickets and put the willies right up 'em. Charlie Potter (BGB) bowled the best I have seen him - aggressive and accurate and got 3 wickets including the 2 openers. Then Ned bowled and got a wicket, then the run-outs, then I got in on the act. But they won with 3 overs and a couple of wickets left. But with 7 men and 2 boys we sooo punched above our weight. Well done everyone.
Man of the match: Charlie for his bowling (and scoring the grand total of ....3)
Champagne moment: Rob Hall's run out
Mug of the match: me - for batting not bowling first
And there was a bit of argy bargy at the wicket. One of their guys was sauntering down for a single when Ali pinged the ball in. He just got home. I told him not to look at the fielder or he'd run himself out. He said he'd look where he liked, mate. Then Rob ran him out. I did warn him. And reminded him of this as he left the square. We shook hands though. At the end. Sort of.
Next week we are away (boo) again to Eastons (boo). Grudge game this and I am taking a rest. My mind has not been on it and my batting is woeful. So I need a break. Angus is in charge. The team is (tbc):
A. Silkstone
M. Silkstone
A. Ross
A. Pearson
Tom
Angus
Brucie
Steve Oakey
John Williams
Jamie Halls
Paul Lucas
But will confirm.
A great effort, a really great effort. And Sampfords get there revenge for us doing the double over them last year. Lets beat em at home, yeah?
See you in a fortnight. And for god's sake sort yourselves out!
This is Jon Pries, News at Ten, living in the moment.
Laters.
P
Monday, 30 June 2008
"Metaphor"
All good things come to an end eventually. We have had some great times but the feeling just isn't there anymore. Hasn't been for a while if truth be told. No-one's fault. We just need a break that's all. Re-define the nature of our relationship. Move on the best of friends and it matters not what people think.
Yep - me and Dunmow Cricket Club need to take some time out. We have been seeing far too much of each other. Played them first game of the season, then an evening 20:Twenty with another 20:Twenty scheduled for next Friday and AGAIN on Saturday. Each time they field a weaker and weaker team to give us a chance. A relationship which is not of equals will not stand the test of time....
It was a GLORIOUS sunny day and The Park looked fantastic - thanks Bretty and Jamie for cutting the outfield and preparing the square. It was a good toss to win and we batted and set off like a house on fire scoring at 8 an over with Ali looking in top form. Then it slowed as their better bowlers came on. 174 all out with a couple of overs left (cardinal sin that) was well shy of par - we were looking at 250+ at drinks. Ali got a half century and for the second Saturday in a row looked set to score his maiden century. It will come my friend.
After a splendid tea (thanks to Angus and Tracy) we set about them and got two early break though wickets courtesy of Jamie and the excellent and improving Biggles (more use of Paul's nickname please). But they dug in. The spinning duo of Brucie (welcome back) and Preacher tied them up and we got 3 vital wickets between us, including the dangerous big hitting affable 'Spider'. And then Charlie came on and showed great maturity to get 2 more vital wickets.
Now get this. With 5 balls of the innings left the last pair are at the crease. They have scored 173 and need 2 to win. Jamie gets the wicket with a great delivery under pressure. We win! Or do we? Walking off Dunmow say we added up out total wrong and only have 172. As Bretty would say "bollocks" - the score on the scoreboard is the right score. Plain and simple. They should have checked. And let's not end the relationship for now on a sour note. Like arguing over the CD collection. Or the juice extractor.
So a GREAT win for Canfield and the closest game in living memory. The skipper knows what he is doing.....sort of.
Man of the Match: Paul Lucas - great bowling and fielding
Champagne Moment: The skipper's leg break that removed spider (sorry but I rarely get a mention and it DID turn the game - pardon the pun)
Idiot Boy Moment: Charlie lobbing the ball back to Jamie only for said ball to land on his bonce.
So a great way to end it all. Angus - I will pass on the Dunmow game this Fri if that is okay. I need some time on my own and to take stock. I wish Dunmow all the best. It's been great. And I love her dearly still obviously.... but more as a good friend now.
Next week we are away (groan) to Sampfords (groan) and then we have the start of cricket week (yippee). I hope the sun continues to shine. And if you got my email about the cricket tour make sure you come back to me in the next 2 weeks. The tour will be a blast as well. Shame its Suffolk... I'd much prefer somewhere like - oh I don't know - East Sussex maybe? Good place to buy a holiday home anyway.
The is Captains Blog living in the moment and everything is alright with the world.
Over and out.
Preacherman
Yep - me and Dunmow Cricket Club need to take some time out. We have been seeing far too much of each other. Played them first game of the season, then an evening 20:Twenty with another 20:Twenty scheduled for next Friday and AGAIN on Saturday. Each time they field a weaker and weaker team to give us a chance. A relationship which is not of equals will not stand the test of time....
It was a GLORIOUS sunny day and The Park looked fantastic - thanks Bretty and Jamie for cutting the outfield and preparing the square. It was a good toss to win and we batted and set off like a house on fire scoring at 8 an over with Ali looking in top form. Then it slowed as their better bowlers came on. 174 all out with a couple of overs left (cardinal sin that) was well shy of par - we were looking at 250+ at drinks. Ali got a half century and for the second Saturday in a row looked set to score his maiden century. It will come my friend.
After a splendid tea (thanks to Angus and Tracy) we set about them and got two early break though wickets courtesy of Jamie and the excellent and improving Biggles (more use of Paul's nickname please). But they dug in. The spinning duo of Brucie (welcome back) and Preacher tied them up and we got 3 vital wickets between us, including the dangerous big hitting affable 'Spider'. And then Charlie came on and showed great maturity to get 2 more vital wickets.
Now get this. With 5 balls of the innings left the last pair are at the crease. They have scored 173 and need 2 to win. Jamie gets the wicket with a great delivery under pressure. We win! Or do we? Walking off Dunmow say we added up out total wrong and only have 172. As Bretty would say "bollocks" - the score on the scoreboard is the right score. Plain and simple. They should have checked. And let's not end the relationship for now on a sour note. Like arguing over the CD collection. Or the juice extractor.
So a GREAT win for Canfield and the closest game in living memory. The skipper knows what he is doing.....sort of.
Man of the Match: Paul Lucas - great bowling and fielding
Champagne Moment: The skipper's leg break that removed spider (sorry but I rarely get a mention and it DID turn the game - pardon the pun)
Idiot Boy Moment: Charlie lobbing the ball back to Jamie only for said ball to land on his bonce.
So a great way to end it all. Angus - I will pass on the Dunmow game this Fri if that is okay. I need some time on my own and to take stock. I wish Dunmow all the best. It's been great. And I love her dearly still obviously.... but more as a good friend now.
Next week we are away (groan) to Sampfords (groan) and then we have the start of cricket week (yippee). I hope the sun continues to shine. And if you got my email about the cricket tour make sure you come back to me in the next 2 weeks. The tour will be a blast as well. Shame its Suffolk... I'd much prefer somewhere like - oh I don't know - East Sussex maybe? Good place to buy a holiday home anyway.
The is Captains Blog living in the moment and everything is alright with the world.
Over and out.
Preacherman
Thursday, 19 June 2008
"Blood"
Big News... my blog has been nominated for an award! Hell yeah. The "You-Have-Too-Much-Time-on-Your-Hands-Jon-Get-a-Life" award. There is but one nominee. But knowing my luck of late I won't even win that.
Saturday's match was cancelled. Again. Hatfield Broad Oak couldn't get a team due to injuries, people working and generally being hopeless cases. So I turned out for the Sunday XI (with Andy Silkstone skippering) and we played away to Wethersfield - the first time Great Canfield had played them.
On the way to the ground I stopped behind Trevor to help attend to a motorcyclist who was injured. Get this - 60mph down the High Roding to Dunmow B road and - smack - a pheasant (yes, a pheasant) flies out right into the biker's visor. Except the biker had his visor up. Messy - a lot of blood and one very dead pheasant. We called a paramedic, cleaned him up and used his mobile to call his mate and girlfriend. He was in a bit of shock (but not as much as the pheasant) and lost a bit of blood due to a broken nose. Like an ancient soothsayer I read the entrails of the pheasant positive in the knowledge that our good Samaritan act would deliver instant karma.
5 hours later and we are getting stuffed at Wethersfield. Small ground, uncut outfield, dead wicket. Paul Lucas dives to stop a boundary. The ball bounces, rears up and SMACK! broken nose number 2 for t heday. That's karma for you. It IS amazing how much blood streams out of your nose, don't you think? Dazed and confused he wondered off leaving a pool of blood on the square... which acted as a useful reference point for the sub fielder ("just to the left of the blood stain, mate - yep - lovely").
It was a timed game and we were never in the running. Could have held out for the draw except the middle and late order batted as we always do.... badly. By the end I had had enough. I should have stayed at home.
Man of the Match: Ali Ross for bowling tight and opening the batting to give us hope
Mug of the Match: Me - for dropping a skier, bowling like a dead pheasant and scoring the sum total of.... 2
Hero of the Match: Paul Lucas for batting last with a broken nose
Next week we have a 20: Twenty game on Friday against Dunmow (yawn - them AGAIN) and on Saturday we are at home to Newport Grammar. THIS MATCH IS A 1PM START.
Charlie has organised this fixture and is doing tea. Such a nice lad... for a Big Girls Blouse. As an established Canfield regular who will be turning out for Newport, Charlie will have something to prove (such as bowling at the Sat XI's skipper's head). So more blood on the way then.
Sorry the blog is late this week but I've been running around like a headless pheasant all week.
Until next time
Jon "The Preecher" Priest
Saturday's match was cancelled. Again. Hatfield Broad Oak couldn't get a team due to injuries, people working and generally being hopeless cases. So I turned out for the Sunday XI (with Andy Silkstone skippering) and we played away to Wethersfield - the first time Great Canfield had played them.
On the way to the ground I stopped behind Trevor to help attend to a motorcyclist who was injured. Get this - 60mph down the High Roding to Dunmow B road and - smack - a pheasant (yes, a pheasant) flies out right into the biker's visor. Except the biker had his visor up. Messy - a lot of blood and one very dead pheasant. We called a paramedic, cleaned him up and used his mobile to call his mate and girlfriend. He was in a bit of shock (but not as much as the pheasant) and lost a bit of blood due to a broken nose. Like an ancient soothsayer I read the entrails of the pheasant positive in the knowledge that our good Samaritan act would deliver instant karma.
5 hours later and we are getting stuffed at Wethersfield. Small ground, uncut outfield, dead wicket. Paul Lucas dives to stop a boundary. The ball bounces, rears up and SMACK! broken nose number 2 for t heday. That's karma for you. It IS amazing how much blood streams out of your nose, don't you think? Dazed and confused he wondered off leaving a pool of blood on the square... which acted as a useful reference point for the sub fielder ("just to the left of the blood stain, mate - yep - lovely").
It was a timed game and we were never in the running. Could have held out for the draw except the middle and late order batted as we always do.... badly. By the end I had had enough. I should have stayed at home.
Man of the Match: Ali Ross for bowling tight and opening the batting to give us hope
Mug of the Match: Me - for dropping a skier, bowling like a dead pheasant and scoring the sum total of.... 2
Hero of the Match: Paul Lucas for batting last with a broken nose
Next week we have a 20: Twenty game on Friday against Dunmow (yawn - them AGAIN) and on Saturday we are at home to Newport Grammar. THIS MATCH IS A 1PM START.
Charlie has organised this fixture and is doing tea. Such a nice lad... for a Big Girls Blouse. As an established Canfield regular who will be turning out for Newport, Charlie will have something to prove (such as bowling at the Sat XI's skipper's head). So more blood on the way then.
Sorry the blog is late this week but I've been running around like a headless pheasant all week.
Until next time
Jon "The Preecher" Priest
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
"Trainee"
Something different this week. I spend an inordinate amount of my precious time at work having to check and sign-off reports written by SPA's 60-strong executive team. Due to one thing and another I have been doing more of this kinda work of late. The highlight is always (and without fail) checking the first draft executive summary penned by one of our Graduate Trainees. Remember: write positively, lead with insight then add the supporting detail (when relevant), make sure the report meets the objectives with firm recommendations at the end and no repetition. Always consider the reader. Easy.
So..... what would happen if a Graduate Trainee at SPA (or elsewhere) wrote up the Lindsell game last Saturday? Shall we see what it would read like? Shall we?
On Saturday the 7th of June, Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI played a cricket match against Lindsell at Lindsell. The weather was overcast and a bit drizzly. Angus, the Lindsell cricket team's captain won the toss and elected to put Creat Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI, captained by Jon Priest, who is captain of Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI into bat. Great Canfield Cricket Clubs Sat XI suffered badly in conditions that favoured accurate swing bowling and were 15 for 5 wickets after 10 overs. Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI were bowled out for 80 runs after 22 overs. Patrick O''Brien top scored with 23 and was Great Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI man of the match.
Then Lindsell batted and revered the batting line up so they could give us a chance. The bowlers who bowled for Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI bowled very well and took 5 wickets before the inevitable wining runs were scored by Angus. It was all over in time for tea.
Tea was very nice. There were ham sandwiches and cheese sandwiches and smaller-than-usual pork pies and French bread ham and cheese sandwiches and jammy dodger biscuits and some cake and some tea.
After tea we played a friendly game of "beach cricket" - a 10 over a side format which Lindsell also won and we also lost. Then it stated to rain and we went to the Green Man for a drink!!
Patrick O'Brien was man of the match and Jamie Hall's catch off the bowling of bowler John Willams was the champagne moment. Mug of the match went to Jon for losing the toss.
We all enjoyed the match very much. Neil Brett made his long-awaited debut as did Bomber and they both batted well but did not score many runs.
Next week Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI are playing at home to Hatfield Broad Oak at home at 2pm in the afternoon. I hope we can win that one!!
(Jon - is this okay? - have spent all day writing it).
Sigh
Laters
Preacherman
So..... what would happen if a Graduate Trainee at SPA (or elsewhere) wrote up the Lindsell game last Saturday? Shall we see what it would read like? Shall we?
On Saturday the 7th of June, Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI played a cricket match against Lindsell at Lindsell. The weather was overcast and a bit drizzly. Angus, the Lindsell cricket team's captain won the toss and elected to put Creat Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI, captained by Jon Priest, who is captain of Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI into bat. Great Canfield Cricket Clubs Sat XI suffered badly in conditions that favoured accurate swing bowling and were 15 for 5 wickets after 10 overs. Great Canfield Cricket Club's Saturday XI were bowled out for 80 runs after 22 overs. Patrick O''Brien top scored with 23 and was Great Canfield's Cricket Club's Saturday XI man of the match.
Then Lindsell batted and revered the batting line up so they could give us a chance. The bowlers who bowled for Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI bowled very well and took 5 wickets before the inevitable wining runs were scored by Angus. It was all over in time for tea.
Tea was very nice. There were ham sandwiches and cheese sandwiches and smaller-than-usual pork pies and French bread ham and cheese sandwiches and jammy dodger biscuits and some cake and some tea.
After tea we played a friendly game of "beach cricket" - a 10 over a side format which Lindsell also won and we also lost. Then it stated to rain and we went to the Green Man for a drink!!
Patrick O'Brien was man of the match and Jamie Hall's catch off the bowling of bowler John Willams was the champagne moment. Mug of the match went to Jon for losing the toss.
We all enjoyed the match very much. Neil Brett made his long-awaited debut as did Bomber and they both batted well but did not score many runs.
Next week Great Canfield Cricket Club's Sat XI are playing at home to Hatfield Broad Oak at home at 2pm in the afternoon. I hope we can win that one!!
(Jon - is this okay? - have spent all day writing it).
Sigh
Laters
Preacherman
Sunday, 1 June 2008
"Biggles"
Everyone should have a nickname. And a hobby. That's my mantra. The world would be a nicer place believe me. Quite a few of the Canfield horde have them (nicknames, not hobbies); Bretty, The Chair, Gus, Clint, Panther and some have abbreviated first names that do much the same job - like Ali, J and Chas. Whilst on the subject I have an amusing tale about a nickname. In 1986 when I was a mere babe-in-arms market researcher I changed jobs and, I know you won't believe this, but I was pretty shy back then: wouldn't say boo to a goose. Took me a while to crawl out of my shell at my new company. Anyway, after a couple of months I was in the pub on a Friday lunch time and the department was talking about nicknames and Lara, the office go-fer turned to me and said "Did you know you have a nickname, Jon?" Buoyed by this as some important right of passage and a sign of acceptance I asked what my new moniker was. "Wanker" she said.
Paul Lucas needs a nickname. We've been here before but haven't quite cracked it. But after Saturday he deserves one. What a great game he played. A catch (off my bowling - always helps get a blog mention), a wicket and a great rear-guard action batting at number 9 where he gets his highest ever score and, with JW (another nickname - see we all have them) survives over 10 overs to protect our last wicket and so earn a not-at-all-well-deserved draw, only to be bowled with 14 balls left. Bugger. It was a mighty effort and we were mighty impressed. Well played sir.
I won the toss and put The Flitch (careful how I spell that) Pilgrims in to bat on a damp but drying wicket. We know this lot of old. Terribly, terribly nice chaps. But just as our battles with foreign foes are won on the playing fields of Eton, so village cricket matches in Essex are won on the beautiful cricket pitch at Felstead public school, this team representing the best of their 1980s Alumni. We bowled well and they made 202 in 34 overs - we skittled them out but they batted positively at 6 an over. Wickets for Priest (2), Ross (1), Lucas (1), Potter (2), Halls (1) and the Chair (1) - they only had 10 players. Our highlight was Charlie's super diving catch at cover (off my bowling - ta matey) - another great catch in successive games for The Big Girls Blouse.
The pitch was damp and the outfield slow. We knew they had made a good score. We would have to bat well and for them to bowl badly after tea. Both these didn't happen.
Ali and Guss opened the batting at a truly glacial pace with the bowling pitched up and straight. We were behind the rate when the first and then the second wickets fell. If I tell you Guss top scored with 25 you'll know the rest. Jamie, The Chair and me scored zip between us, exposing the rest of the team. We had yet to reach double figures. Enter Paul, closely followed by JW and they pushed, probed, defended and nicked it about. Paul played some good cricket shots and JW had a good forward defensive. We thought they'd hold out. We knew our luck must be in when the ball hit the stumps and the bails jumped in the air and landed back on the stumps! This must be our day. But when Lynda, Paul's wife, got all excited andwent to fetch her camera to photo her hero out in the square I knew we were tempting fate...
A great game tho'. Close, tense, fun and played in a chirpy but informal atmosphere. We will welcome the Pilgrims back next year and.. they will beat us again whilst being terribly nice about it. I will wear my Class War t-shirt next year.
Man of the Match: Paul Lucas
Champagne Moment: The ball-defying bails (thanks bails)
Mug of the Match: Clint - for nearly getting timed out when his turn to bat because "I was putting a new number plate on my car" - with his pads on - as you do
Thanks to Lynda and Paul for doing a first class tea. Next week, we are AWAY to Lindsell, 2pm start. Another tough game. I do seem to recall being a touch scathing about them in my blog last year ("Chin Up, Lindesll!) - I wonder if they will remember? It will be good to see my old mate Sniper again.
Right, back to Paul has his nickname. What do we know about him? Well, he flies planes in his spare time and he played a heroes innings, so how about... Douglas Bader? Ha-ha.
Biggles it is.
Good week everyone.
Preacherman
Paul Lucas needs a nickname. We've been here before but haven't quite cracked it. But after Saturday he deserves one. What a great game he played. A catch (off my bowling - always helps get a blog mention), a wicket and a great rear-guard action batting at number 9 where he gets his highest ever score and, with JW (another nickname - see we all have them) survives over 10 overs to protect our last wicket and so earn a not-at-all-well-deserved draw, only to be bowled with 14 balls left. Bugger. It was a mighty effort and we were mighty impressed. Well played sir.
I won the toss and put The Flitch (careful how I spell that) Pilgrims in to bat on a damp but drying wicket. We know this lot of old. Terribly, terribly nice chaps. But just as our battles with foreign foes are won on the playing fields of Eton, so village cricket matches in Essex are won on the beautiful cricket pitch at Felstead public school, this team representing the best of their 1980s Alumni. We bowled well and they made 202 in 34 overs - we skittled them out but they batted positively at 6 an over. Wickets for Priest (2), Ross (1), Lucas (1), Potter (2), Halls (1) and the Chair (1) - they only had 10 players. Our highlight was Charlie's super diving catch at cover (off my bowling - ta matey) - another great catch in successive games for The Big Girls Blouse.
The pitch was damp and the outfield slow. We knew they had made a good score. We would have to bat well and for them to bowl badly after tea. Both these didn't happen.
Ali and Guss opened the batting at a truly glacial pace with the bowling pitched up and straight. We were behind the rate when the first and then the second wickets fell. If I tell you Guss top scored with 25 you'll know the rest. Jamie, The Chair and me scored zip between us, exposing the rest of the team. We had yet to reach double figures. Enter Paul, closely followed by JW and they pushed, probed, defended and nicked it about. Paul played some good cricket shots and JW had a good forward defensive. We thought they'd hold out. We knew our luck must be in when the ball hit the stumps and the bails jumped in the air and landed back on the stumps! This must be our day. But when Lynda, Paul's wife, got all excited andwent to fetch her camera to photo her hero out in the square I knew we were tempting fate...
A great game tho'. Close, tense, fun and played in a chirpy but informal atmosphere. We will welcome the Pilgrims back next year and.. they will beat us again whilst being terribly nice about it. I will wear my Class War t-shirt next year.
Man of the Match: Paul Lucas
Champagne Moment: The ball-defying bails (thanks bails)
Mug of the Match: Clint - for nearly getting timed out when his turn to bat because "I was putting a new number plate on my car" - with his pads on - as you do
Thanks to Lynda and Paul for doing a first class tea. Next week, we are AWAY to Lindsell, 2pm start. Another tough game. I do seem to recall being a touch scathing about them in my blog last year ("Chin Up, Lindesll!) - I wonder if they will remember? It will be good to see my old mate Sniper again.
Right, back to Paul has his nickname. What do we know about him? Well, he flies planes in his spare time and he played a heroes innings, so how about... Douglas Bader? Ha-ha.
Biggles it is.
Good week everyone.
Preacherman
Friday, 23 May 2008
"Mole Hunt"
The Scene: The interior of SPA's offices in central London. Third floor. Last Tuesday.
JP: Where's Steph? I need to see her
Steph's Assistant (SA): Moscow
JP: (looking puzzled)
SA: It's in Russia. Or what used to be called the Soviet Union
JP: Yes, I know where Moscow is thank you. Client work I take it?
SA: Well she is with a client. At the football....
JP: WHAT?
SA: Y'know - Sony. They sponsor the Champions League. Or is that Playstation? Anyway - they gave her a ticket. A Big Corporate Do. Flights, hotel, everything. Didn't she mention it?
JP: What, mention it to the Chelsea-Supporting-SPA Chairman? Oh I doubt that very much. Can you get her on her Blackberry? Tad urgent
(some minutes later)
Steph: (tipsy) Hi JP
JP: How and why? Leave out no details. No matter how small
Steph: A ticket came up and they invited me. I thought you were going with ITV?
JP: No...
Steph: Or with Sky?
JP: Nope
(silence)
Steph: I have bought you a commemorative scarf...
JP: So I'm here and you're there. In some other world this would make perfect sense
Steph: It's really raining here
JP: Oh well, that's okay then. Glad I'm not there getting wet on the night of the biggest game of my life
Steph (sniggering) You said that as if you were playing
JP: Well enjoy it. And don't worry at all about the 5pm meeting I have scheduled in with you this Friday..
Steph: (laughing) I've just met Fabio Cappello
JP: Bye Steph
Welcome to Captain's Blog. It's been that kind of week. No ticket. And my team lose due to a slip up by their skipper (I know the feeling). And if that isn't arse-ache enough I get double arse ache with the colonic irrigation I have done on Friday (it works by the way - have lost 4 lbs in weight and 2 inches around my gut so up yours Steve Oakey). And Clint has called me about a 1000 times this week about the Sunday side. And what with Ed' foot surgery I so needed a nice friendly cricket match to set me straight.
Which never happened either. We played a cricket match but it wasn't that friendly. Should have been. Could have been. But wasn't. We welcomed Eastwoods from Leigh-on-Sea as our conference fixture and they were nice enough - bit of a rag bag bunch but then so are we. Their hobbit-sized skipper Mark was okay but they... kinda looked like they didn't know each other. Most odd. I lost the toss and Mark inserted and we made 225 thanks to contributions from everyone notably Jamie for another half century and Stevie who got 30-odd opening which was his first bat of the season. That was a good score. So far, so nice.
It all changed after tea (excellent effort on the tea-front JW- Waitrose indeed and freshly made) when they started their innings. Their opener, a small, elf like creature called "Mr Mole" (thanks to Angus for that) nicked one in the first over. Outside off stump, didn't move his fee. Bat miles away from his body. But a definite edged. We all heard it (I heard it a wide mid on!). Did he walk? No sir. Did his team mate who was umpiring raise his finger? No sir. WHAT! How can he stand there when he knew and we knew (and he knew we knew) he'd edged it to Angus?
JP: Where's Steph? I need to see her
Steph's Assistant (SA): Moscow
JP: (looking puzzled)
SA: It's in Russia. Or what used to be called the Soviet Union
JP: Yes, I know where Moscow is thank you. Client work I take it?
SA: Well she is with a client. At the football....
JP: WHAT?
SA: Y'know - Sony. They sponsor the Champions League. Or is that Playstation? Anyway - they gave her a ticket. A Big Corporate Do. Flights, hotel, everything. Didn't she mention it?
JP: What, mention it to the Chelsea-Supporting-SPA Chairman? Oh I doubt that very much. Can you get her on her Blackberry? Tad urgent
(some minutes later)
Steph: (tipsy) Hi JP
JP: How and why? Leave out no details. No matter how small
Steph: A ticket came up and they invited me. I thought you were going with ITV?
JP: No...
Steph: Or with Sky?
JP: Nope
(silence)
Steph: I have bought you a commemorative scarf...
JP: So I'm here and you're there. In some other world this would make perfect sense
Steph: It's really raining here
JP: Oh well, that's okay then. Glad I'm not there getting wet on the night of the biggest game of my life
Steph (sniggering) You said that as if you were playing
JP: Well enjoy it. And don't worry at all about the 5pm meeting I have scheduled in with you this Friday..
Steph: (laughing) I've just met Fabio Cappello
JP: Bye Steph
Welcome to Captain's Blog. It's been that kind of week. No ticket. And my team lose due to a slip up by their skipper (I know the feeling). And if that isn't arse-ache enough I get double arse ache with the colonic irrigation I have done on Friday (it works by the way - have lost 4 lbs in weight and 2 inches around my gut so up yours Steve Oakey). And Clint has called me about a 1000 times this week about the Sunday side. And what with Ed' foot surgery I so needed a nice friendly cricket match to set me straight.
Which never happened either. We played a cricket match but it wasn't that friendly. Should have been. Could have been. But wasn't. We welcomed Eastwoods from Leigh-on-Sea as our conference fixture and they were nice enough - bit of a rag bag bunch but then so are we. Their hobbit-sized skipper Mark was okay but they... kinda looked like they didn't know each other. Most odd. I lost the toss and Mark inserted and we made 225 thanks to contributions from everyone notably Jamie for another half century and Stevie who got 30-odd opening which was his first bat of the season. That was a good score. So far, so nice.
It all changed after tea (excellent effort on the tea-front JW- Waitrose indeed and freshly made) when they started their innings. Their opener, a small, elf like creature called "Mr Mole" (thanks to Angus for that) nicked one in the first over. Outside off stump, didn't move his fee. Bat miles away from his body. But a definite edged. We all heard it (I heard it a wide mid on!). Did he walk? No sir. Did his team mate who was umpiring raise his finger? No sir. WHAT! How can he stand there when he knew and we knew (and he knew we knew) he'd edged it to Angus?
My blood was up a bit. I know its just a friendly game of village cricket but as Mike said, that's exactly the point. So I instruct Charley to bowl full pelt. We get the other opener out 2nd over with a yorker that smacks the batsman's boot. He literally hobbles back to his hutch. And... they make 151 before Charley gets the last wicket with 20 balls to go. Justice.
Everyone bowled very well, notably Jamie and Charley (a 3-fer each), Paul (2 wickets) and even the spinning skipper got in on the act (and I won't even mention the two dropped catches off my bowling, one of them by my new bessie mate Panther.......).
Man of the Match: Charley - for a great spell of controlled, aggressive bowling, 3 wickets, some runs and a fantastic diving catch at mid off. And he's only 15.
Champagne Moment: Charley's catch
Mug of the Match Moment: How many times has Angus featured in this? This time, with their batsman stranded down the other end he catches the fielder's throw only to miss the easiest stumping in the world by 'throwing the ball out of his gloves' as he attempts the stumping. Unbelievable. Well, not if you know Angus.
So, win number 2. And how did the skipper fare? Well, putting Steve in to open when he arrived so he didn't have time to think about it was not a bad decision, and setting Charley a batting target of 25 to give his something to focus on rather than worrying about getting out was fairly simple psychology (he made 18). And moving Steve to square leg where he took his catch off my bowling. All good stuff. But with 12 overs remaining we needed 6 wickets. Then 5 in 10. Then 4 in 7. It was our ability to close the game out and help get the team believing we could do it that I was most pleased with. We really deserved that victory and it would have been a travesty if we had let them off the hook. WELL DONE EVERYONE. And thanks to Ali for getting me to change my mind and get Charley to bowl straight at the death. Lives and learns - cheers matey.
Some of their players shook our hands but most didn't bother. I made a point of shaking Mark's hand regardless and the hand of their number 4 bat who made 50 when he was walking back to the pavilion because he played well and in the right spirit. That's the Canfield way. They left pretty quickly. Clint - not a team to have back I fancy.
Next week (rain permitting) we are at home to Flitch Pilgrims - the ex-Felstead public schoolboys who gave us a right bloody nose last year. Nice bunch they are but also damn fine players. Let's see if we can give them a game.
Have a great week everyone and well played one and all. We're back. I'm back. And look, so is Steph (with a scarf AND match programme). Glad I never made it in the end.
Laters
Preacherman
Saturday, 17 May 2008
"Popular"
Hello play mates and welcome to Captains Blog.
I think it's fair to say that the popularity stock of the skipper and his confounded blog have been higher... bur I blame the weather, work-load and my peculiar sense of humour for that. Let's review the evidence, shall we?
1. The Weather
It was cool and damp on Saturday morning but not actually raining, although the cricket at Lords was delayed due to a wet start. And the weather from London usually ends up at our ground 2-3 hours later. And sure enough at 11.15 precisely it starts to drizzle. Then gets heavier. A really annoying light, misty drizzle. I'm still hopeful at noon it might clear when Jamie calls me from the ground to say "we've had it for the day, Jon". Now Jamie as we all know is a chap of few words. And as groundsman he knows better than any of us. Unlike me he does know what he's doing. The wet Thursday has not had chance to clear and the pitch is soaking. I like to give us as much chance to play as possible, but, on J's informed advice I decide to "call it"right away.
First to call the opposition, Dunmow-Eastons (Angus has their details), then the person on our team doing teas, then those with furthest to travel, then the rest. That's my order. Mike was doing teas and was not best pleased with me ("you are joking?".... Erm, "no") . Even now I suspect he's wondering what to do with 8 French sticks and a catering pack of cheddar ("Ebay?"). Mr Popular I am not. I wonder if I should ask him to do teas next week....?
Everyone else gets a call. I can't get hold of Ali. When I do txt him that the match is off I receive the following txt reply:
"Thnx. I know. I am at the ground..."
Oops. Mr Popular part deux.
2. Work
Due to heavy work-load I couldn't make the very committee meeting I had scheduled and a lot of people hadn't got the message (sorry Bretty). I suspect committee members weren't too impressed by my lack or organisation, planning and communication skills even though they are far too polite to say.
3. Panther
Ah yes. Well, Andy Goodwin had what "Human Resources" might call "some constructive feedback" relating to my blog entry of last week, which he shared via email with most of the club. And raised at the committee meeting. I shall make my peace when I see him next. ("Don't say anything about Panther in your blog this week Jon, you know what you're like, always going just too far. Stop it" - Ruth).
I'm assembling quite a list.
Add to that Brucie who still hasn't played since I under-bowled him against Flitch Pilgrims last year, Ed Priest who refuses to play with me at the moment whilst his raging hormones sort themselves out, Clint who might think I have "backed off" from helping him sort out the Sunday side and Patrick who I never phoned back this week and, erm, do we have a full team of disgruntled players yet?
Of course it will be fine next week. It will be sunny and hot, we'll win the toss, play well and win and everyone will love me again, carrying me on their shoulders in triumph into the bar and buying me drinks.....
Probably.
But until then, I will wear my hair-shirt and walk about hitting myself with my bat every few minutes in order to cleanse myself. And talking about cleaning myself, on the advice of a very good friend I have booked myself in for "colonic hydrotherapy" next week. Seriously. Apparently it really does help relief stress, fatigue and aids a bit of lower abdomen weight loss. Mike said I should have it cos I'm full of sh*te! Fair nuff.
Until then have a great week and see you all on Saturday. I don't know about next week's fixture (who we are playing or if its at home - organisational skills again) but I will be in contact. And if you do phone me back, try not to call me at 10.35pm on my mobile as one player did last week. That's way past the "cut-off". All being well, I shall be calling you from Moscow if my freebie ticket for the Champions League final materialises, thanks to a friendly client. I do, it seems, have one or two friends left!
Till next week.
Preacherman
I think it's fair to say that the popularity stock of the skipper and his confounded blog have been higher... bur I blame the weather, work-load and my peculiar sense of humour for that. Let's review the evidence, shall we?
1. The Weather
It was cool and damp on Saturday morning but not actually raining, although the cricket at Lords was delayed due to a wet start. And the weather from London usually ends up at our ground 2-3 hours later. And sure enough at 11.15 precisely it starts to drizzle. Then gets heavier. A really annoying light, misty drizzle. I'm still hopeful at noon it might clear when Jamie calls me from the ground to say "we've had it for the day, Jon". Now Jamie as we all know is a chap of few words. And as groundsman he knows better than any of us. Unlike me he does know what he's doing. The wet Thursday has not had chance to clear and the pitch is soaking. I like to give us as much chance to play as possible, but, on J's informed advice I decide to "call it"right away.
First to call the opposition, Dunmow-Eastons (Angus has their details), then the person on our team doing teas, then those with furthest to travel, then the rest. That's my order. Mike was doing teas and was not best pleased with me ("you are joking?".... Erm, "no") . Even now I suspect he's wondering what to do with 8 French sticks and a catering pack of cheddar ("Ebay?"). Mr Popular I am not. I wonder if I should ask him to do teas next week....?
Everyone else gets a call. I can't get hold of Ali. When I do txt him that the match is off I receive the following txt reply:
"Thnx. I know. I am at the ground..."
Oops. Mr Popular part deux.
2. Work
Due to heavy work-load I couldn't make the very committee meeting I had scheduled and a lot of people hadn't got the message (sorry Bretty). I suspect committee members weren't too impressed by my lack or organisation, planning and communication skills even though they are far too polite to say.
3. Panther
Ah yes. Well, Andy Goodwin had what "Human Resources" might call "some constructive feedback" relating to my blog entry of last week, which he shared via email with most of the club. And raised at the committee meeting. I shall make my peace when I see him next. ("Don't say anything about Panther in your blog this week Jon, you know what you're like, always going just too far. Stop it" - Ruth).
I'm assembling quite a list.
Add to that Brucie who still hasn't played since I under-bowled him against Flitch Pilgrims last year, Ed Priest who refuses to play with me at the moment whilst his raging hormones sort themselves out, Clint who might think I have "backed off" from helping him sort out the Sunday side and Patrick who I never phoned back this week and, erm, do we have a full team of disgruntled players yet?
Of course it will be fine next week. It will be sunny and hot, we'll win the toss, play well and win and everyone will love me again, carrying me on their shoulders in triumph into the bar and buying me drinks.....
Probably.
But until then, I will wear my hair-shirt and walk about hitting myself with my bat every few minutes in order to cleanse myself. And talking about cleaning myself, on the advice of a very good friend I have booked myself in for "colonic hydrotherapy" next week. Seriously. Apparently it really does help relief stress, fatigue and aids a bit of lower abdomen weight loss. Mike said I should have it cos I'm full of sh*te! Fair nuff.
Until then have a great week and see you all on Saturday. I don't know about next week's fixture (who we are playing or if its at home - organisational skills again) but I will be in contact. And if you do phone me back, try not to call me at 10.35pm on my mobile as one player did last week. That's way past the "cut-off". All being well, I shall be calling you from Moscow if my freebie ticket for the Champions League final materialises, thanks to a friendly client. I do, it seems, have one or two friends left!
Till next week.
Preacherman
Sunday, 11 May 2008
"Panther"
GCSE Advanced Level English Literature (AEB) Module One
Q1. Consider the following two extracts and discuss which is the most impenetrable and/or frustrating.
We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare;
More substance in the enmities
Than in our Love; O honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.
(extract from The Stare's Nest by my Window, W.B. Yeats, 1919)
I may play for Canfield on Saturday,
Or Stapleford Tawney; if they are short,
I prefer to play for Canfield but also them,
They have twelve players now so I will play for you,
No they don't, they only have ten
I can 'bat for both sides' if you want
What about 12 a side?
Egg & cress sandwiches for tea?
Etc, etc
(extract from The Panther Strikes, A Goodwin, May 2008)
Christ on a bike. Panther - he really is the most likeable chap but he also drives me insane. The phone messages and txt messages and email message of last week concerning who he might play for and all the innumerable combinations this entails. He did indeed end up playing for the Tawney's and when he came in to bat? Well let's just say we all wanted to have a bowl at him. He was as frustrating at the wicket as he was in the above prose, edging it to 3rd man all the time. It goes without saying we love him dearly. And the egg and cress were spot-on mate. Well done for going to Waitrose.
I may go to Waitrose,
Or perhaps Tescos,
Sainsburys is shut
And.. (thank you Patnther)
Welcome to Captains Blog. We won! Oh yessiree. Lovely sunny day as well. And as skipper, let the record show one played a blinder don't you know. First, rather than toss a coin I asked Will their skipper what he prefered to do (being the perfect host). He wanted to field (in that heat, with the, erm 'girth' of some of his players?). Okay by me. Would have batted anyway. So bonus points for Captain Karma.
Next, I promoted Gus to open and he gets his highest ever score in double quick time to give us a solid foundation (42 - bloody well done mate). See? Easy when you know how. Then when we bowled I deliberately started with JW and, what's that? 3 wickets so soon? Ali and I frustrated their best bat Dell until I decide to bring on Jamie who skittles 3 wickets ably helped by Paul who gets 2. A win by 80-odd runs with 10 overs to spare? I know what I'm doing. Part III.
Well done Jamie for his half century and to 'Gus (again) and JW.
Man of the Match: Super Jamie Halls
Champagne Moment: Andy Davies's one-handed juggling catch on the boundary - genius
Mug of the Match: THAT dropped catch. I would say who it was but we all know anyway and Paul will get upset...
Comedy Moment: Their sqaure leg umprire John getting it flush in the shins and saving a certain boundary off my bowling and for hoping about going "ow ow ow". Shouldn't laugh. Yeah - you should.
Felt a bit knackered after. Was at a health farm on Friday entertaining some clients (as one does). That massage really knocked me out. Was half expecting 'a happy finish' but it never came. Got my happy ending on Saturday instead. Ho-ho.
Well done everyone and thanks to Panther and Cath for a great tea. And to Jamie for laying on a great wicket.
Next week we are at home against A Conference Side (tbc) 2pm start, usual drill. I'll leave the last word to Panther:
I can't play next week
Got a Young Farmers BBQ
But can play the week after
Probably
Or not
I will txt you and let you know
I just know he will....
Good weekend all.
Preacherman
Q1. Consider the following two extracts and discuss which is the most impenetrable and/or frustrating.
We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare;
More substance in the enmities
Than in our Love; O honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.
(extract from The Stare's Nest by my Window, W.B. Yeats, 1919)
I may play for Canfield on Saturday,
Or Stapleford Tawney; if they are short,
I prefer to play for Canfield but also them,
They have twelve players now so I will play for you,
No they don't, they only have ten
I can 'bat for both sides' if you want
What about 12 a side?
Egg & cress sandwiches for tea?
Etc, etc
(extract from The Panther Strikes, A Goodwin, May 2008)
Christ on a bike. Panther - he really is the most likeable chap but he also drives me insane. The phone messages and txt messages and email message of last week concerning who he might play for and all the innumerable combinations this entails. He did indeed end up playing for the Tawney's and when he came in to bat? Well let's just say we all wanted to have a bowl at him. He was as frustrating at the wicket as he was in the above prose, edging it to 3rd man all the time. It goes without saying we love him dearly. And the egg and cress were spot-on mate. Well done for going to Waitrose.
I may go to Waitrose,
Or perhaps Tescos,
Sainsburys is shut
And.. (thank you Patnther)
Welcome to Captains Blog. We won! Oh yessiree. Lovely sunny day as well. And as skipper, let the record show one played a blinder don't you know. First, rather than toss a coin I asked Will their skipper what he prefered to do (being the perfect host). He wanted to field (in that heat, with the, erm 'girth' of some of his players?). Okay by me. Would have batted anyway. So bonus points for Captain Karma.
Next, I promoted Gus to open and he gets his highest ever score in double quick time to give us a solid foundation (42 - bloody well done mate). See? Easy when you know how. Then when we bowled I deliberately started with JW and, what's that? 3 wickets so soon? Ali and I frustrated their best bat Dell until I decide to bring on Jamie who skittles 3 wickets ably helped by Paul who gets 2. A win by 80-odd runs with 10 overs to spare? I know what I'm doing. Part III.
Well done Jamie for his half century and to 'Gus (again) and JW.
Man of the Match: Super Jamie Halls
Champagne Moment: Andy Davies's one-handed juggling catch on the boundary - genius
Mug of the Match: THAT dropped catch. I would say who it was but we all know anyway and Paul will get upset...
Comedy Moment: Their sqaure leg umprire John getting it flush in the shins and saving a certain boundary off my bowling and for hoping about going "ow ow ow". Shouldn't laugh. Yeah - you should.
Felt a bit knackered after. Was at a health farm on Friday entertaining some clients (as one does). That massage really knocked me out. Was half expecting 'a happy finish' but it never came. Got my happy ending on Saturday instead. Ho-ho.
Well done everyone and thanks to Panther and Cath for a great tea. And to Jamie for laying on a great wicket.
Next week we are at home against A Conference Side (tbc) 2pm start, usual drill. I'll leave the last word to Panther:
I can't play next week
Got a Young Farmers BBQ
But can play the week after
Probably
Or not
I will txt you and let you know
I just know he will....
Good weekend all.
Preacherman
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
"No Show"
Let's give a big warm hand to Halstead Fenns who, at 8pm on Friday night, decided to phone me to call the game off because they couldn't get a team together for Saturday. That's after reassuring us on Wednesday that 'they would be fine'. New team as well and dead keen in March when they begged to play us. Tossers. Convention dictates that calling the game off with less than 24 hours before the match starts is terribly poor form. So I spend the next hour phoning and texting everyone the match is off. Most took it in their stride, expect the following player:
JP match off
Ali why?
JP they couldn't get a team
Ali why?
JP I don't know!!
Ali Sorry - I am a bit pissed
Ali "Preecher! Game's off then. They couldn't get a team? I'm a bit pissed"
etc
This got me thinking how impossible it is for me to play cricket. Yes very funny. But let us consider the following factors (or 'variables') that need to be in play and divide by the number of match we have:
1. Do we have a full side to put out (Y/N)
2. Do the opposition have a full side to put out (Y/N)
3. Will the opposition actually show up on the day (Y/N)
4. Will it be pissing down with rain (Y/N)
5. Will I get a bat (Y/N)
6. Will I bat passably well (Y/N)
7. Will I bowl passably well (Y/N)
8. Will we win (Y/N)
You see my point. Eight things have to happen in sequence for me to have a really good game. Eight! We only play 20-odd games a season. So I should play well two and a half times a season which.... is about right actually. I tell you, it's a burden being this smart all the time.
Anyway, I turned out and skippered the Sunday side instead and yes, I got a duck again and no wickets but at least we got a draw. I now have the worse batting and bowling average at the club. Go me!
This coming Saturday we are at home to the Mighty Stapleford Tawney complete with Andy Lee (Manager), Will Beagles (Skipper) and Dell (useful #3 bat - who Ali dropped off my bowling last year before he scored loads). They are my fav visiting team and we look forward to hosting them. It was a real cliff-hanger last year I seem to recall - even in the rain. Panther is doing tea so celebrations all round. 2pm at the Park. Angus - I want you to open.
I'll phone and and get the team ready in the next day or so.
FYI There will be a committee meeting next Tuesday, 13th May at 8pm at The Hall's Pavilion.
Good week all,
Cheers
Preecher
JP
Ali
JP
Ali
JP
Ali
Ali
etc
This got me thinking how impossible it is for me to play cricket. Yes very funny. But let us consider the following factors (or 'variables') that need to be in play and divide by the number of match we have:
1. Do we have a full side to put out (Y/N)
2. Do the opposition have a full side to put out (Y/N)
3. Will the opposition actually show up on the day (Y/N)
4. Will it be pissing down with rain (Y/N)
5. Will I get a bat (Y/N)
6. Will I bat passably well (Y/N)
7. Will I bowl passably well (Y/N)
8. Will we win (Y/N)
You see my point. Eight things have to happen in sequence for me to have a really good game. Eight! We only play 20-odd games a season. So I should play well two and a half times a season which.... is about right actually. I tell you, it's a burden being this smart all the time.
Anyway, I turned out and skippered the Sunday side instead and yes, I got a duck again and no wickets but at least we got a draw. I now have the worse batting and bowling average at the club. Go me!
This coming Saturday we are at home to the Mighty Stapleford Tawney complete with Andy Lee (Manager), Will Beagles (Skipper) and Dell (useful #3 bat - who Ali dropped off my bowling last year before he scored loads). They are my fav visiting team and we look forward to hosting them. It was a real cliff-hanger last year I seem to recall - even in the rain. Panther is doing tea so celebrations all round. 2pm at the Park. Angus - I want you to open.
I'll phone and and get the team ready in the next day or so.
FYI There will be a committee meeting next Tuesday, 13th May at 8pm at The Hall's Pavilion.
Good week all,
Cheers
Preecher
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