You Are The Umpire

Recently, Ruth and I have been taking The Observer in place of our usual Times/Mail on Sunday combo. I can recommend The Observer's Review section most highly. But I turn first to the Extra Time bit of the sports supplement in order to test Ed on "You Are The Umpire", a cricket cartoon scripted by John Holder and Paul Trevillion, where three most unusual cricketing conundrums are posed to readers every week, who then ask what your decision as umpire would be if, say, a streaker ran on and knocked off the bails with his knackers, etc.

Here's a very recent example:

"During a recent village match between two rival teams the visiting team are well placed for victory requiring only the last wicket. With the penultimate ball of the game the ball strikes the batsman's pad in line with middle and off, with the batsman still planted in his crease. As the umpire is also playing for the home side do you...?

a) Look away semi-embarrassed

b) Give the correct 'out' decision and incur the wrath of Chris, your larger than life Captain and your team mates

Welcome to Eastons v Canfield Sat XI. Good grief. A tough game against fancied opposition this match has all the ingredients of a classic: Local rivalry - personified by Chris their skipper/opening bowler/batter/dentist, Toby their quick (but unpredictable) opening paceman who used to play for Canfield last year and who dumped us and my daughter last summer (not that this will count against him. Much), plus two of our regulars Steve and Bomber live in the village so there are local bragging rights at stake. And then there's 'that pitch'. Rumour has it vandals got into the ground before the start of the season and dug up the square causing £250 worth of improvements...

They're a friendly enough bunch and Chris is quite the gent away from cricket. But he does suffer from temporary insanity on it. Who can forget him throwing his bat across the square when he was bowled out last year attempting to come down the pitch to yours truly? Or providing an acid running commentary when playing? Or yelling at his own team mates? Or sitting on a chair in our pavilion and breaking it? I wonder what kind of mood we shall find him in today?

Subdued is the mood of the day. They only have 9 players and need to borrow a fielder (the number of Canfield volunteers being zero) and Canfield are nursing god almighty hangovers due to Friday's end of cricket week beerfest. So we're kind of even. We have a range of hangover cures: Angus went clay pigeon shooting this morning to clear his headache (?), Steve our consultant surgeon says he injects himself with a litre of saline solution which does the trick, Bretty prefers a can of warm Carlsberg in the dressing room and Ali opts for a 5am skinny dip in my pool. Me? Red Bull and 4 Nurofen.

We lose the toss and Chris sticks us in for a timed game. I still don't really understand this, but it's about the same as 40 overs (so long as both teams bowl at a faster over rate than the West Indies) and a draw is a possibility.

Ali gets a good half century and with Bomber, Andy, Jamie et all all contributing we post 18o which on that pitch and slow outfield is a very good knock and Eastons know it. Remember they knocked us over for 80-odd last year. Now we are in the box seat.

Ed opened the bowling and his 0-7 off 4 overs kept them pegged back. With Jamie bowling up the hill it was my Sampfords MkII plan. After 12 overs they were well behind the rate but we needed wickets. I came on as the sacrificial lamb and got Chris out courtesy of Bomber's catch at extra cover (disappointingly their were no tantrums this time).

The Ali came on and took 6-17 bowling wonderful seam up deliveries down the hill. A great effort mate - this is ample payment for the brandy glasses that got smashed at our place in the early hours. I particularly enjoyed Toby getting a golden (ah - sweet revenge) and texted Verity as soon as the match ended.

With two overs to go we couldn't quite manage the last wicket. Well, we could, it's just the umpire never game it. So, a winning draw but it could have been all the more sweeter. But a lot better than last year.

Man of the Match: Ali for his 6-17 and half century. A great effort in his hungover state

Champagne Moment: Jamie smacking a 6 off Chris right over the pavilion. Lovely

I think we are on a roll. We have not looked like losing for a while and with a bit more luck would now have 5 wins, not 3. I put our form down to better bowling all round this season (myself excluded) and tighter fielding. And when we bat out the overs we always have a chance. From a Captains perspective everyone again contributed, got a game and enjoyed competing. I'm more relaxed on the field of play than when I started and are beginning to understand the individual nuances and strengths/weaknesses of team members. So its all good.

On a related note I thought you'd all like to know that Ed got a hat-trick playing for Dunmow against Nazeing Common on Sunday and also well done to young Robert Halls for getting his first wicket playing for Canfield on Sunday. Well done to you both.

Next week we have a home game against a conference side TBC. Bretty will let me know on Tuesday when we have our committee meeting. I will see you all at the ground at 2pm for a 2.3o pm start.

Increase the peace.

Preecher