Crimes and Misdemeanors

Last week was a bad week. They say things come in three's. Well that's as maybe - but not three near identical things, each one following the other surely? I have been a victim of crime x 3; a robbery, attempted burglary and a smash and grab.

On Friday, some hooded crack-head type nipped into MY office and whipped the laptop off MY desk whilst I was at lunch, the cheeky b*stard. And it had my batting and bowling averages on it - so nothing valuable then. On Friday night I noticed the ground floor room I use as my home office had one of the window locks missing, jemmied from the outside. They must have been scared off by something and no, not by my bowling averages thank you. One cricket-stats gag per blog is quite enough. Then on Saturday I was the victim of an outrageous smash and grab as S.T.A.R.T (Stapleford Tawney And Red Triangle) ruined our unbeaten home record with 3 balls of their innings left and us only requiring another wicket to ensure victory.

Oh and I almost forgot - someone nicked the badge off the bonnet of my Aston Martin as well.

But the real crime was on the pitch. We lost because we (I) under-estimated the opposition. The incomparable (and very vocal) Will Beagles and Andy Law taught us a lesson. They only had 6 players when they took their fiddling positions, so Bomber and Steve kindly volunteered to help out whilst the rest of their team inched up the M11 thanks to some Scout jamboree or suchlike. Will won the toss and put us in just so his team might have a bat - they were that weak (he said). I fell for the trap and altered the batting line up putting Angus and Paul well up the order and Steve (who was on tea duty) at number 11. No-one really got going and we made 183 and (cardinal sin this) failed to bat out our over allocation. Well done to Gus for his Canfield all-time high score of 30 and also to Jamie for top scoring but our better batters didn't and we were 30-40 runs shy. And well done to Ali for hitting the ball right at square leg when they only had one fielder on the on-side. Such precision.

Of course by now the rest of their team had tipped up (making 10 in total). We had a go after tea and Jamie's 4-21 off 10 overs was again the pick of the bowlers. Put they kept up with or just below the rate and moved up a gear when Jamie came off. I got two hard-earned wickets but the one we wanted, Dell their number 4 bat, played himself in and only gave one chance that Ali was unfortunate to put down at long on. With one over left they needed 2 runs to win and Will (fittingly) knocked them off with 3 balls left. Well done sir.

A great game played in a fun but competitive spirit, it was a shame to lose but well done to S.T.A.R.T for W.I.N.N.I.N.G. What a nice bunch they all are.

So, team-mates, what have we all learned from this?

1. Don't underestimate the opposition
2. Don't expect the tail to make up runs the top order should have knocked off
3. Don't bowl short on our wicket
4. Unless your Jamie, taking the pace off the ball will do wonders


Between you, me and this blog I was a bit hacked off by the end. My mood would have been lifted if Steve would have moved around the field when requested.And the next ex-Captain to tell me where to field will have his own dedicated blog entry. I consider this suitable punishment for such misdemeanors. Enough said.

On Saturday we are at home to Sampfords who will be out for revenge. I have but one thing to say:

GET 'EM IN THE HOLE!

I love you all really.

Preecher

You Are The Umpire

Recently, Ruth and I have been taking The Observer in place of our usual Times/Mail on Sunday combo. I can recommend The Observer's Review section most highly. But I turn first to the Extra Time bit of the sports supplement in order to test Ed on "You Are The Umpire", a cricket cartoon scripted by John Holder and Paul Trevillion, where three most unusual cricketing conundrums are posed to readers every week, who then ask what your decision as umpire would be if, say, a streaker ran on and knocked off the bails with his knackers, etc.

Here's a very recent example:

"During a recent village match between two rival teams the visiting team are well placed for victory requiring only the last wicket. With the penultimate ball of the game the ball strikes the batsman's pad in line with middle and off, with the batsman still planted in his crease. As the umpire is also playing for the home side do you...?

a) Look away semi-embarrassed

b) Give the correct 'out' decision and incur the wrath of Chris, your larger than life Captain and your team mates

Welcome to Eastons v Canfield Sat XI. Good grief. A tough game against fancied opposition this match has all the ingredients of a classic: Local rivalry - personified by Chris their skipper/opening bowler/batter/dentist, Toby their quick (but unpredictable) opening paceman who used to play for Canfield last year and who dumped us and my daughter last summer (not that this will count against him. Much), plus two of our regulars Steve and Bomber live in the village so there are local bragging rights at stake. And then there's 'that pitch'. Rumour has it vandals got into the ground before the start of the season and dug up the square causing £250 worth of improvements...

They're a friendly enough bunch and Chris is quite the gent away from cricket. But he does suffer from temporary insanity on it. Who can forget him throwing his bat across the square when he was bowled out last year attempting to come down the pitch to yours truly? Or providing an acid running commentary when playing? Or yelling at his own team mates? Or sitting on a chair in our pavilion and breaking it? I wonder what kind of mood we shall find him in today?

Subdued is the mood of the day. They only have 9 players and need to borrow a fielder (the number of Canfield volunteers being zero) and Canfield are nursing god almighty hangovers due to Friday's end of cricket week beerfest. So we're kind of even. We have a range of hangover cures: Angus went clay pigeon shooting this morning to clear his headache (?), Steve our consultant surgeon says he injects himself with a litre of saline solution which does the trick, Bretty prefers a can of warm Carlsberg in the dressing room and Ali opts for a 5am skinny dip in my pool. Me? Red Bull and 4 Nurofen.

We lose the toss and Chris sticks us in for a timed game. I still don't really understand this, but it's about the same as 40 overs (so long as both teams bowl at a faster over rate than the West Indies) and a draw is a possibility.

Ali gets a good half century and with Bomber, Andy, Jamie et all all contributing we post 18o which on that pitch and slow outfield is a very good knock and Eastons know it. Remember they knocked us over for 80-odd last year. Now we are in the box seat.

Ed opened the bowling and his 0-7 off 4 overs kept them pegged back. With Jamie bowling up the hill it was my Sampfords MkII plan. After 12 overs they were well behind the rate but we needed wickets. I came on as the sacrificial lamb and got Chris out courtesy of Bomber's catch at extra cover (disappointingly their were no tantrums this time).

The Ali came on and took 6-17 bowling wonderful seam up deliveries down the hill. A great effort mate - this is ample payment for the brandy glasses that got smashed at our place in the early hours. I particularly enjoyed Toby getting a golden (ah - sweet revenge) and texted Verity as soon as the match ended.

With two overs to go we couldn't quite manage the last wicket. Well, we could, it's just the umpire never game it. So, a winning draw but it could have been all the more sweeter. But a lot better than last year.

Man of the Match: Ali for his 6-17 and half century. A great effort in his hungover state

Champagne Moment: Jamie smacking a 6 off Chris right over the pavilion. Lovely

I think we are on a roll. We have not looked like losing for a while and with a bit more luck would now have 5 wins, not 3. I put our form down to better bowling all round this season (myself excluded) and tighter fielding. And when we bat out the overs we always have a chance. From a Captains perspective everyone again contributed, got a game and enjoyed competing. I'm more relaxed on the field of play than when I started and are beginning to understand the individual nuances and strengths/weaknesses of team members. So its all good.

On a related note I thought you'd all like to know that Ed got a hat-trick playing for Dunmow against Nazeing Common on Sunday and also well done to young Robert Halls for getting his first wicket playing for Canfield on Sunday. Well done to you both.

Next week we have a home game against a conference side TBC. Bretty will let me know on Tuesday when we have our committee meeting. I will see you all at the ground at 2pm for a 2.3o pm start.

Increase the peace.

Preecher

Sampford Lose Thriller

A dreaded sunny day
So lets go we're we happy
And I'll meet you at Sampfords estate
Oh Alec the bowler is on your side

A dreaded sunny day
So lets go where we're wanted
And I'll meet you at the Sampford estate
Oh Alec the bowler is on your side
But you lose
Coz Jamie Halls is on mine

(Cemetery Gates, Morrisey & Marr - with apologies)

Sampfords Away. It's one of those matches you instinctively look for when the fixture booklet gets circulated around the club. Along with Eastons, and to a lesser extent, Lyndesll, Sampfords are one of Canfield's Sat XI 'rival teams'. Having never actually played them I don't really know the derivation for this supposed friendly rivalry. In truth, its probably because they're better than us, as their regular thrashings of Canfield illustrate (they bowled us out for 60-odd last year). But I see as I find and I approach the game with an open mind, and just to be sure, the strongest team I could muster. It would be nice to give 'em a game. I have phoned selected players ahead of this fixture telling them to 'be up for it'.


In the winter months I help out with the Thaxted Rangers U14 youth football team. Indeed my company, SPA (http://www.spa-mr.com/) has sponsored the players since they were U10s. Young Ryan Webster is their goalie. He also keeps wicket for Sampfords. I will be expecting some banter when I go into bat...


Our XI was as follows:



Bretty (in the pub before the game)

Andy D (late - as usual)

Jamie

Clint (late due to 'problems with bees....' don't ask)

Steve

Paul Halls

PoB

Preecher

Ed

Angus


Ali


Even without Bomber (who was rested) and Mike it's a fairly strong line up. Jamie is in top form at the moment, esp with the ball and his uncle Paul bowled very well last Sunday on his return from injury. And we have the batters to get some numbers on the board. And with no game last Saturday we are all rested and raring to go.


I won the toss and elected to bat. The pitch was dead. And the outfield hadn't been cut in 5 days (much to Bretty's irritation). It's a win/lose game with no limit on the bowlers. I agreed. Alec, Sampfords opening bowler then proceeded to bowl 13 overs straight on a perfect line and length, nipping the ball back down the slop. No wonder they didn't want any bowler limitations! We made 152 in 40 overs which was a good score given the conditions and well done to Clint for his 47. And yes, young Ryan their 'keeper stumped me as I faced their leg spinner. Time for tea.

I put Jamie and Paul Halls on for a reason. Anything Sampfords can do we can do better. Jamie, off a 3 pace run-up, could bowl all day. His 13 overs for 19 runs with one wicket was utterly fantastic bowling. Their openers couldn't get him away and they soon fell way behind the required rate. At the other end, Paul was tempting them and they soon hit out and Paul got two early wickets. I came on at Paul's end, then swapped ends to give Jamie a rest and snared their other opener. With Ali now bowling at the other end the wickets kept falling. Steve came on and pegged their big hitting Captain back. Then another (some might say inspired) bowling change saw Clint take over from Steve and get 2 wickets in his first over, both catches to Ali at square leg. Jamie came back on to take the last wicket. Canfield had won by 14 runs with 3 overs remaining. Joy.

This was Canfield's best team performance of the season. We fielded very well (two run outs thanks to Jamie and Ali) and looked sharp all day. The bowlers all played their part and we kept up the pressure and held our nerve towards the end. But we did this all with a smile on our faces. I couldn't have been more proud.

Sampfords were good losers and we were gracious winners. They laid on a great tea and were a warm and welcoming side and I look forward to hosting them in August. Rivals? I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Man of the match: Jamie for outstanding bowling
Champagne moment: Ali's catch to get their Captain out off Clint's 3rd ball

Personally, this was my best match as captain. The bowling changes worked and I had no hesitation in pulling myself off as soon as I got expensive. Its a team game and we all showed that in abundance. You laso have to prepared to try things and take risks. I'm learning that.

Next Saturday we are away to our great rivals, Eastons, who have recently beat Lyndsel and Sampfords. And their pitch is a SHOCKER. But do you know what, I couldn't be more confident.

Lets do it. Chris, the Eastons Captain, be afraid. Be very afraid.

I love you all dearly.

Preecherman

Tribute Blog: President's XI v Chairman's XI Commemorative Match

It's 10.30am on Sunday, 1st July. I'm standing in the middle of the Canfield square with Bretty and Stuart Hepburn, looking at the pitch, then the sky towards the west, then back to the pitch. After Saturday (and most of June come to that) the pitch is wet. The forecast for late afternoon is favourable however and, after after all, today is a special day; the official opening of the Halls Pavilion. Hell and high water won't stop it (well, the high water is a possibility if we get more rain). But we have do do something and we have to make a decision. GAME ON!

It's 12.30pm and half of the Chairman's XI are in the bar. Bretty is defying the smoking ban defending himself with the time-honoured and insightful "bollocks" counter-argument. He'd make quite an advocate ("Your honour, I put it to you that the outrageous charges against my client are bollocks. The defence rests".) I sense safety in numbers and join him. Barry Claydon's President's XI turn up to warm welcomes and hand-shakes. It has been decided to get as much beer down Barry's neck as possible to present the Chairman's XI with a fighting chance. It starts to rain.... then stops. Phew.

It's 1.15pm and we take the field. Our Chairman has stuck them in. A good decision - it's a sticky wicket that will start to dry out as the game progresses. They make 160 -9 which is not too far off par given the pitch and wet outfield. Befitting the opening of the Halls Pavilion, Jamie and Paul Halls take 4 wickets apiece with a mix of quick seam bowling and dazzling spin. Its going to be a Halls day all round with Mary watching from the pavilion and the late Brian Halls watching from above. Stuart gets the final wicket - well done Mr Chairman. We have all fielded very well.

It's 3.45pm and tea is in full flow. It's a splendid affair of scones, cakes, baps and biscuits. Mind you, there is something terribly 'maternal' about women taking their turn in the pavilion kitchen. When its their tea turn day its very much their domain. Other women, Alison Hepburn a notable inclusion, beware!

It's 4.15pm and Bretty is facing the first ball of our innings. It's a long-ish hop dispatched in the air to deep extra over. Ed my 13 year old son is fielding at deep extra cover. It's coming sharp-ish. The balls sticks in his hands like Velcro. For 5 seconds no-one says or does anything. Then pandemonium as the fielding side rush to high-5 him, realising that their lovable nemesis has got a golden duck, caught by A Small Boy. Ed has been told by Angus and Bretty to smile more when on the field of play. Well he can't smile wide enough now. Bretty comes back and does the only man-ly thing possible - start the bar-b-que. Ed spends the rest of the match beaming. I am a proud dad.

The Chair's XI battle it out keeping up with the run rate, largely due to Jonny Slowman's long awaited return to the Canfield fold. But we lose wickets and Trev has to go off with a chest pain (I spoke to him this morning and all seems well - just thought you'd like to know). I give Jamie out LBW 2nd ball. It's plum mate, but did he get the merest of bats on it first? His expression clearly thinks so. He tells me in afterwards not to worry and that he won't hate me for it. I am relieved. Then our Chairman is given out by Canfield old boy Simon Noakes attempting a single when MILES IN. Dearie me. My turn to go in. Now, to quote Marlon Brando from the Godfather Part 2 "I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them; they speak when they should listen". With this in mind Ed is immediately bought back into the attack having told Barry and Bondy that he's on double pocket money if he gets me out. I owe Ed 5 weeks worth so there's serious money at stake. I receive what Nas Hussain might call "a lot of chirping"

"Come on Ed, get your bunny out"

"Let's have him"

"You dad doesn't bat as straight as you"

And so on.

He bowls spin. He NEVER bowls spin! I edge it to 1st slip who holds it; then fumbles it; then holds it in one hand; then (finally) drops it. Ed is beside himself.

The Chairman's XI fall a little shy of the required runs - even with 12 players - but it matters not. It's been a great match and the sun has been out for hours, just as our Chairman predicted.

It's 6.30pm and the opening ceremony is taking place. Alan Lillee, a playing compatriot of G. Gooch at Essex has come along to be master of ceremonies. He's full of praise for Canfield, our ground, the pitch, and new pavilion. I'm feeling especially proud to be involved with Canfield CC right now. Pommy says a few words of thanks and presents Roger Simons with a commissioned painting of the new Halls Pavilion as a gesture of the club's very great thanks and also two commemorative plaques which will be mounted inside, to go with the Essex CCC plaque Alan Lillee has presented to Pommy. The ribbon is cut (twice) and we're officially open.

It's 7.10pm and everyone who has turned up - players old and new, family, friends, people from the village and guests are enjoying the free bar-b-que (thanks again to Roger for the free grub) and beers. Everywhere kids are mucking about with rugby balls, playing in the nets, chasing dogs and having a high old time. Small groups are chatting about what a great day it has been and how Brian Halls would have approved. It's a glorious evening.

It's 7pm on Friday 18th May 2005. Jonathan Clarke has just asked me if I fancy playing for Great Canfield. "Oh, I don't think so"I say. "Not really my thing". Just goes to show how wrong you can be.

Fear not, Captain's blog will return next week with it's usual blend of sarcasm, cynical observation, winding-up of the opposition and self-criticism.

But not today.

Preecherman