12th Man "Sailor Jerry" Ends Unbeaten Record

Captains Blog supplemental. We have been orbiting a very strange planet somewhere in deepest space (aka east Herts) desperately looking for signs of civilization (aka a cricket ground). We have visited this barren landscape many times before and got lost in the process. Today is no exception. My pilot Angus is not helping ("I recognise these lanes - definitely"), nor is the last known grid reference point, I mean you'd expect Nazeing Common to play either at Nazeing (possibly on a common?) or, outlandishly, actually at Nazeing Common. But no, Nazeing Common CC play at Bradley Common, don't you see?

I wonder if Andy Davis will get lost like he did last year...

When we do eventually come across the club my mood is not lifted by the ground. It's as I remember - desolate. Stuck slap bang in the centre of a farmer's field with the wind whistling around possibly the biggest boundary in village cricket. It also has its very own micro climate that reminds me of a knackered central heating thermostat - either eye watering hot or freezing. Today its grey, overcast and cold with drizzle forecast for tea-time. Just like last year in fact.

I'm still a little delicate due to last night's Pavilion drinkies, not to mention this mornings hangover-busting fried breakfast. Never learn, do you? Middle age. You can keep it, chap. I rummage in my unnecessarily large club-size bag for some Nurofen, put my game face on and seek out Graham their Captain.

Canfield win the toss and we have a bat. The pitch is hard - well harder than ours last week and the ball just might "come on" as they say. Andy Davis calls to say he has got lost and is running late, which brings me on to... the return of the much loved absentee report. Excuse ratings as follows: *****fair play to you, ****okay but don't make a habit out of it, ***sounds like a lame excuse to me, **you're doing what?, *shopping for shoes with the missus

• Bomber: on family holiday *****
• Panther: on family holiday (with Will Beagles) ****
• Brucie: working all weekend **

Team news and batting line up:

• Mike
• Bretty
• Andy Davis (scored century on this ground last year)
• Ali
• Steve
• PoB (helped Andy score century on this ground last year... by booting the ball away)
• Sonofapreecherman
• Preecher (yes, I know it's spelt ea not ee)
• JW
• Paul 'Economy Class' Lucas
• Angus

Right, let's talk cricket. This fixture has a lot to live up to. Last year we were 0-2 after 2 balls with their opener on a hat-trick. Then Andy Davis arrived, scored a ton off the last ball of the innings and we posted 200+. We couldn't quite bowl them out and they hung on to their final wicket for 6 overs to earn a draw. That was the closest we came to winning last season. All change now though, what with our undefeated record and the memory of last year's game fresh in the mind. Could this be our first away victory in years?

The short and correct answer is no. We posted 175 in difficult "ball not coming on at all, Skip" conditions against some accurate bowling. Mike got 69 and Ali 43 but we never really got going in the dank conditions with a large boundary on the south side of the ground and a fairly unresponsive pitch. Still, having seen basically the same Nazeing team bat last weekend I felt 170-odd was not far off par. And with the light drizzle starting and the light fading batting conditions will be harder for the team chasing.

We couldn't pull it off and in truth never looked like doing so. Sonofapreecherman managed 3 overs before retiring with a recurring foot problem. Steve got the break-through wicket sup rising their opener with a quicker off-cutter. I replaced Ed at the far end and proceeded to bowl like Stephen Hawking without arms. If there was a bowling stat for accurately drifting down leg I'd win hands-down. Downing 8 Sailor Jerry rums at the end of Friday evening clearly has its drawbacks. Sailor Jerry is dropped for the rest of the season. None for 35 off 7 overs. Good grief. Ali was for the 2nd match running our pick of the bowlers with 3 for 29 closely pursued by JW who took 3 wickets in consecutive matches. But they continued to score at 4 an over and with the heavy drizzle turning the ball into a red leathery soapy lump the catches went down (I dropped another skier at mid on). It wasn't to be - well done to the young colts of Nazeing for hanging in there. They deserved it. And thanks to Nazeing for a first class tea.

Man of the match: Ali for his 40-odd and 3 wickets and for keeping us in the game

Champagne moment: This is split between PoB's great catch at deep extra cover and Angus's diving catch off Ali. Great catches in tough conditions fellas

Sailor Jerry moment: My dropped catch off Ali at mid on

But well done everyone for sticking at it for 38 overs. We are competing well this season and enjoying the experience more than ever. As Captain, that's my objective and responsibility. Next week we're at home to Flitch Pilgrims, a very good wandering side of ex-Felstead boys. We'll have to put our game faces on for that one but remember, we are still unbeaten at home, right?

I rounded off the evening with dodgy chinese which was a fitting end to a gut-wrenching day all round. Cricket? Marvellous isn't it? Well sometimes.

Keep the faith everyone and remember, its a 2pm start at home next Saturday. Needless to say I can't wait!

See you next week

Preecherman

Boyz II Men (I Know What I'm Doing Part Deux)

A cheery welcome one and all to Captains Blog. After last week's wash-out, the sun decided not so much to put its hat on as to wear one of those neither-one-thing-nor-the-other sun cap/visor thingies adorned by women golfers the world over. In other words, we had a bit of sun but a fair bit of cloud and wind as well. This might help our bowling attack...

We hosted Nazing Common on Saturday, or more more precisely their Colt XI plus one or two old hands to lend them a bit of experience. One of these, Graham their Captain, cheerfully called heads as the pound coin came down tails. I put them in. It was the same wicket as last week and still a bit, well unpredictable? And might just get firmer and quicker as the day progressed. We could but hope.

Due to a fantastic Captain's blunder, we started at 2.20pm (Nazing thought it was a 2pm start and were raring to go) but we only realised we had 8 fielders when I asked Sonofapreecherman what end he wanted. Cue Angus tearing across the boundary in his pick-up, soon followed by Panther and Greg. I asked Greg to go to cover whilst pointing to Mid Wicket. Captains blunder #2. I know what I'm doing. Not.

We wondered whether Bretty might want one of those secretary chairs with wheels to sit on whilst he kept wicket. His usual forthright response was not unexpected. He kept wicket brilliantly all day and gave Angus a rare run out in the field.

The game? Nazing were a bit mouse really. Colts can be fantastic, gifted prospects, or not. These were not, well not in the batting dept anyway. But they were well-mannered, keen and enthusiastic - not the kind of gel-haired, ear-ring councils estate chavvers that can sometimes infiltrate village cricket and spoil the fun. They were, however, skitelled out in 31 overs for 130-odd with Ali the pick of our bowlers (welcome back matey) with 3 key wickets. Brucie was making his long-awaited season's debut bowling very slow, loopy, off spin and got 2 wickets. I wondered what it must be like to face Brucie - a mixture of unbridled joy followed by terror as the ball thumps the wicket I should imagine. I put Panther on for a bowl. He deserved his opportunity what with, well Panther like fielding of late, and he did not disappoint taking 3 for 6 in 2.5 overs to wrap up their innings. Paul however bowled as if in another time zone which 16 hours ago was true. He needs to fly Business Class in future. Mate - get an up-grade and put it on expenses next time you fly back from the Far East.

Canfield cruised to a 7-wicket victory with 4 overs to spare thanks to solid knocks from Mike, Ali and Steve Oakey. The wicket did get better and although the Colts could bowl better than they batted, it was still men against boys. So let's take a look at our record to date, shall we? Played 3, won 2, drawn 1 with one match abandoned. I know what I'm doing, part deux.

As Captain I give myself a small pat on the back for taking Neil's advice and switching Brucie to bowl from the Takeley Rd end, simultaneously allowing Ali to use the wind to help his in swing. And for putting Panther on ahead of Steve. Yep, things worked out fine and again, Bretty, Angus and Ali provided invaluable help and support. All round, a great team effort.

Champagne Moments: Panther's 3 for 6 off 2.5 overs. Well done sir.

Man of the Match: Ali

Mug of the Match: Me, for starting without a full team (duh!)

We're away to Nazing next Saturday (2pm start) so maybe they'll be out for revenge, or play a different team. Whatever happens, we have our unbeaten record to think about. I never thought I'd be saying that in late May. I will call all those playing on Saturday to make sure we all know how to get there as their ground is a bit off the beaten track. And a note to Angus if he is reading this to help bring the kit? Do you want to pop around at 12.30 on Sat, mate?

I hope to see you all at the pavilion drink-up this Friday night, bar opens from 7pm. But please observe the Captain's drinking curfew. Yeah, right.

Well played everyone. Cricket? marvelous isn't it?

All the best

Preecherman.

Where's That Global Warming When You Need It...?

Welcome friends to Captains Blog. For me, today's the day our season starts for real; no conference games against sides we'll never see again or a meaningless pre-season friendly against our 'take-it-easy-on-them-lads' league neighbours; no, this is the real deal - village cricket as it's meant to be. Hail Stapleford Tawney, my favourite fixture of the year! Why? Well, they're a good lark-a-minute bunch and like us, they're the usual pot pori of the gifted, sporting, less sporting, professional and disorganised. And I scored my first ever runs against them so they hold a special place in my heart. Led by the indefatigable Will Beagles, the Tawney's in many ways personify what village cricket means (although they only play 3 games a year and don't have a ground, but that never puts them off). So pull up a bar stool, order a few IPAs and lets spend a leisurely Saturday poking good natured fun at each other.

Because in the end that's all we could do. It rained. Not in the morning you understand, oh no - that would be far too convenient. We could have cancelled the fixture well in advance and got the weekly food shop in. Nope - at 2.30 it started, just before Mike and Bomber put their pads on for a reduced 30 overs a-side match. Then the rain stopped and play finally began at just before 3pm on a slow, sticky wicket. 25 overs were managed before it sheeted it down with Ali unbeaten (and very wet) on 42 and Mike having got 71 before being bowled. I've never seen 13 cricketers run so fast. And Bretty showed a very impressive turn of speed, as thay all ran towards the sanctuary of the pavilion.

170-odd for 3 and well placed. We took an early tea. We didn't have a choice.

And we never went back out. It rained harder and got darker. At 5.30pm Will and I shook hands, called it off and headed for the bar. We will be playing them again at home in July when the summer days are long and balmy. We can but hope.

A shame all round: it was to be Bretty's first game and, in my view, the Canfield season hasn't started until Neil picks up his bat. Assisted by Brucie - our very own cricketing Yoda - these two elder cricketing Jedi knights were drafted in to help Master Luke overcome Stapleford Tawney's cricketing Death Star. And that's quite enough clumsy Star Warms symbolism, thank you Jon.

Purely for the record our starting XI was:

Mike
Bomber
Andy D
Ali
Bretty
Tom
Steve
Preecher
JW
Angus
Brucie


POB was on hols in France and Paul was in the Far East on business (don't forget the team duty free both of you) - I hope you both had better weather than us. Sonofapreecherman was rested having a game for Dunmow U13s the next day (which was also rained off of course).

Special thanks to John Williams for laying on a first class tea (Tescos Finest - always worth that bit extra, John) But that's it. No amusing anecdotes or incidents of note. Just sipping whisky in the bar with a few friends after the game. There are worse things in life.

Next week we are at home to Naezing Common, 2.30pm start. It will be warm, sunny, we'll win the toss and Ali will score his maiden century and I'll score 20-odd. We can but dream.

Oi Sun! Get your hat on YOU SLAG!!!

Love and kisses.

Preecherman

"I Know What I'm Doing..."

Feedback relating to Captains Blog thus far:

1. Its an amusing/funny/entertaining read
2. Jon clearly has too much time on his hands

Point 2 is definitely true.

Our second match was a home fixture against Dunny-on-the-Wold (or more accurately, Watton-on-Stowe) a conference side from Hertfordshire. For the uninitiated, conference sides are the true nomads of cricket, often without a ground of their own or a league to play in, they search the region for matches on-spec' as it were. A kind of cricketing limbo (or, if you're Catholic, cricketing purgatory). There are, supposedly, seven levels of purgatory. W-o-S play in the East Herts league division 12 (that's division TWELVE) and this was a pre-season friendly between one side five levels below purgatory and the Canfield Sat XI (friendlies only please) who are clearly heaven sent.

This should be good. And it was.

We welcomed back some old faces for this match, our X comprising:

Bomber
Mike Emery (Ex-Sunday Capt. and the clubs best bat and cricket brain by a mile...)
Andy Davis (Big hitter, nice guy)
Ali
Panther (Making his debut)
POB (New boots)
Preecherman
JW
Paul ('I need a nickname') Lucas
Angus

Sonofapreecherman was unwell and couldn't play on the day, so we were down to ten. Still, a strong side, although perhaps a little lacking in the bowling dept? No chance of that - not today.

I lost the toss and they put us in. I'd have chosen to bat first anyway having played on the same wicket last week and gotten to know its "idiosyncrasies"... but all Captains say that. That's one thing I've picked up.

I know what I'm doing.

"Get your pads on fellas", I said, walking back to the pavilion.

"What are we doing", said Ali.

"Pads on, were batting" I repeated.

"Are we batting?" Ali enquired.

"Yes, we're batting" I said. Again.

"Are we batting then?" said Ali.

He got home in the early hours of Saturday morning after a few "quality wine experiences" with his mate Nico.

Mike and Bomber set about their bowling attack, which was pretty pedestrian. The pitch was slow, low and unpredictable. Mike got out cheaply chasing one he should have left. Bomber again got into the 40's but was unable to convert to his fist half century. Meanwhile we watched aghast as Andy Davis lit the blue touchpaper to start his very own firework display and his 78 was a joy to behold before playing across the line to another low ball. Canfield notched up 215 for 9 off 40 overs. A reasonable score. Depends if they can bat.

They could. The Dunny Openers were scoring at 6 an over off Ali and Bomber so I changed things. Paul took a wicket with his first ball.

I know what I'm doing.

With JW at the other end swinging the ball like a banana we kept up the pressure and, with some great fielding (Bomber took 3 catches in the match) we applied the pressure. Our total was still within range so I put myself on to slow the run rate and to save JW and Paul for the all important 'at the death' bowling. I snared a pair and, with 8 overs to go we needed 2 more wickets. Make that 1 more wicket with 6 overs left. We were now ensured of the draw, but wanted that first victory in, what, 18 months? Cue Bomber back on, a leading top edge and Panther takes the catch at cover point (7 catches in the match - great fielding everyone). Canfield get their long overdue first victory. CMON CANFIELD!

I know what I'm doing.

What was the captaincy like, Jon? Well, obviously there are 11 captains on the field and quite a few ex-captains as well. Mike, Ali and Angus were marvellous giving hints, subtle hand signals and surreptitious whispers that were nearly always acted on. They see the game better than me and let me learn from them. I was pleased to bring Paul on to immediate effect and to move Mike to long leg where he then took a catch on the boundary. Thanks again everyone for for your patience and especially to Bomber, who seems instinctively to knows what I want and is able to communicate this to the field even without me knowing. Nothing short of telepathy!

Champagne Moment. Panther's catch to win us the game with 3 overs left. Brilliant fielding all round matey.

Baby'sham' Moment. My attempted catch at long on (I didn't realise the ball could go so high and that I could be so, what's the word, 'disorientated').

An all round great team effort with only 10 players. Merit marks to Paul and JW for taking 3 wickets apiece - great bowling boys. Thanks and housepoints to Marge and Ali for a splendid tea. The captain's award goes to Angus for catching a skier and in so doing banishing his demons from the last game. He will now be able to sleep at night. I know how he feels.

Next game (the fixture list has finally arrived!) is Sat, 12th May versus Stapleford Tawney, 2.30pm start. Bretty has this down as an away game but I need to check as Panther tells me they don't have a ground. I'll confirm in the week because remember...

I know what I'm doing.

Thanks team,

Preecherman.

PS Napolean is said to have always favoured lucky generals. I assume the same applies in cricket?