Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas play
It's called "Roll a Square, Arthur! And Mind What You Say"
A Cricketing farce
With a thickening plot
Act one, scene one
Brenda Blethen gets shot
Half Man Half Biscuit "We Built This Village"
Act One
Scene One: Aston, Armageddon & Avis
Somewhere East of Portsmouth my Aston Martin V8 Roadster went all Apollo 13 on me. Master alarms, flashing dashboard, evil smells. The ABS warning light was on. As was the clutch over-heating sign. Then the tyre traction wouldn't work. Then, and best of all, a message appeared saying Time for a Service Mr Priest! Oh yes, and the car wouldn't go into reverse for some reason. Aston Martin's 24 hr recovery service to the rescue.....in the form of a sub-contractor called Keith and his low-loader. Head back East 20 miles to a dealership in Chichester. At least the locals were nice, cheering and waving as they saw my car being winched. Such support. Avis had promised 1) a courtesy car would be waiting for me and 2) it would be a car 'similar to a top of the range saloon'. The key word here is similar. No car was waiting for me. Two hours later Avis tipped up in a Peugeot 3008 hatchback. Just like the old TV ad, it took my breath away. For all the wrong reasons. On to Bournemouth - not having eaten anything since breakfast I arrived at 8pm some 9 hours since setting off. Tour 2010 was finally underway.
Act One
Scene Two: Friday Night, Saturday Morning
Alan the night porter at the hotel (who was starting his shift it was THAT late) said they were all in The Goat and Tricycle; A Real Ale Pub. God not again. And there they were, lying in wait. "Where's your Aston?" and "Get a proper car" and "You're shit" etc. I was starving and trying to hold back the flu symptoms that started the day before. Two pints of Wadworths 6X and off to The Indian Ocean: A Real Curry Place, for a Big Boys Balti. By midnight the group split into 2 - I went back to the hotel for some R&R. For the record Stuart was very pissed and kept mentioning Beef Curtains. These were not on the Indian menu. We looked after him. They other rablerousers did what they always did. Wander around. Went to a dodgy bar. Had a drink. Came home.
Right, where's my Night Nurse?
Act Two
Scene One: Beach Nuts
Angus Hellier? You flatter to deceive old boy. Up at 7am for a dip in the sea to shrug off hangover - top marks. Then.... going back to bed for some kip in the morning? See me afterwards please. The rest of us went to the shore for beach cricket and rounders, courtesy of a £4.99 bat 'n' ball set. Great fun. I played rather well I thought. I must try that reverse sweep in a proper game. We meet up with Will, Panther and Stevie who came down today and, off we go to Hinton Cricket Club..... which was tiny.
Well done Stuart for his 67 playing with a pulled hamstrung and with Slowman as his bitch/runner and to Paul for his first ever 6!. We got 224 in a timed game. Hinton were a great bunch - not unlike us in fact. We bowled well and, to make a game of it, took Jamie out of the attack for a while. They started to creep nearer and nearer our total. But the real drama was Panther (isn't it always?) who:
1) fielded for Hinton as a sub for 20 overs straight..and dropped a catch (well done sir!)
2) then went into bat for us and got a golden duck
3) bowled 2 overs of utter nonsense
4) took of his tour cap and threw it on the ground ala Oliver Hardy
5) kicked the sight screen
6) got a wicket (thanks to a great catch from Clint)
7) made what turned out to be a match saving catch to claim the 9th wicket
Phew! In the penultimate over with one wicket needed their skipper belted a bump ball catch to Jamie for a c&b appeal. He was well out of his crease. As he awaited the umpire's decision Jamie ran him out. He walked. We called him back. After that, their skipper refused to hit the winning runs. Such a gent. A great game. To the pub and more Aston jokes and a truly crap crisp eating competition between Clint and Will.
Act Two
Scene Two: I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar!
Angus Hellier, you old loveable fool. Like a £25 rocket on bonfire night he was bright and sparky in the pub downing the brandy's and port. Then, after the Italian meal, fizzled out, got lost and wandered home like a lost puppy dog. Tourist of the year was there for him to grab with both mits. But he muffed it. Just like the catch he dropped off my bowling :)
It's past midnight and we're in a gay pub. Tellingly, Slowman is the first to notice this. "What? Fudgepackers?" exclaimed The Chair. I dared Slowman for a dance and he obliged. Paul has the photos to prove it.
Back to the hotel bar. Just like the late night discussion programme on Channel Four "After Dark" we sat around and talked bollocks. Well, I did anyway. Subjects ranged from John Stuart Mill, Women and Gender in Society, Marital Relations and "Who Would Win in an All Blokes Cook-Off". In mitigation, the nurofen and brandy had kicked in. I retired at 3am.
Act Three
Scene One: Groundhog Day
We all look tired. We give the beach a swerve this morning. Will and Panther head home and give limping Stuart a lift. None of us feel up for a game of cricket. But off we go to Portsmouth, taking in the Gosport Ferry and stopping for Chips and Drinks before facing the deliciously titled "Department of Education Cavaliers" on a municipal pitch. We were expecting a load of old gents. But half the side were in their teens. And more than one wore T-Shirts pronouncing Hampshire Youth Development Side. Hmm. We batted and got 226 I think. Well played Clint for his half century, Bomber for 48 and Paul Lucas for 23. They got off to a flier, accompanied by the heavy metal amateur wrestling taking place over an adjacent fence. Absolutely Surreal. Angus Helleir - you are a star. Fab bowling. I cried my eyes out at deep mid on. Slowam was skipper for the day and put me on. 3 for 40 off 8 overs was pretty passable I thought. But they got the runs with 3 overs to spare. Another great team. By now I had serious Man Flu. And a hurty knee.
Act Three
Scene Two: Home & Awards
Knackered I drive back to the coast in my Avis Special, arriving just after 11.I was ill, very ill. But happy. It had been a great tour. A vintage in fact. Not the young bubbly affair of 2 years ago or the sour unripe vintage of last year (that Oakey would use in his cooking) but a real vintage.
Awards:
1) Tourist of 2010. Panther. Nominated by Angus and wholeheartedly supported by the rest of us. For his antics in the Hinton game. Panther - you're the man. Your prize is the bat we used in beach cricket, signed by everyone with you as the first proper winner. I shall present it to you when I see you next. We'll pass that baton on next year....assuming you don't win it again!
2) Batting: Well done Stuart for his 67 played with a pulled muscle and bloodied brow. We salute you
3) Bowling: Preacher: A sly look at the score book shows 4-58 in 12 overs across the tour. I think Jamie got 3 (could be wrong) but anyways well done me. Ha!
4) Fielding: Slowman for lots of catches (4 I think)
5) Champagne Moment: Paul's top edge 6 against Hinton (and his dancing celebration)
6) Political incorrectness: Stuart "Fudgepacker" Hepburn
Final Scene: Prologue
Aston being delivered back on Thursday, thanks for asking. New ABS system. Under warranty so ya boo. Avis to collect hire car from home. Aston to be delivered to office. Flu gradually subsiding. Thanks to Angus and Clint for arranging a GREAT tour and for arranging matching tour headwear for us all.
Finally, to end once and for all the gender discussion we had on Saturday night:
She's the boss at home
And when she treats me like a lacky
I put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki!
(The Biscuit)
See you all very soon.
Preacher x
Tuesday, 20 July 2010
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
"Croc and Ball Story" ***
Dunmow 2nds, at The Park, match drawn
* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees
Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).
Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.
It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.
T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.
We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.
Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.
Champers Moment: Ha!
Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.
Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.
So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.
First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.
Till next time.
Nipples
* Croc of shite
** Pair of Crocs
*** Crocodile Rock
**** See ya later aligator
***** Croc'd knees
Okay, lots of possible themes here. Take yer pick; The Chair spilling his claret after top-edging onto his chin is one, Dunmow comprised of what appeared to be most of Thaxted Rangers U17s Football Club (a team I sponsor) and not recognising them now they're all grown up, is another, or my 'Gatting ball' to displace Nick Coope (who used to play for Canfield as a 13 year old and is now Dunmow's #3 bat).
Dunmow have a team sponsor. Most league teams do. One of my professional areas of expertise is evaluating the efficacy of various brands who sponsor something - on TV, at venues, events etc. What does the team or TV programme say about the brand it is associated with, and vice-versa? Hmmm. Well, Dunmow are sponsored by Croc & Co (who?) best described as a small, provincial, over-priced boutique of ladies and childrens fashions with Hampstead pretensions on Dunmow High St. And that's the name emblazoned on the back of their shirts. Can't exactly see their players nipping in for a spot of impulse shopping, but there you go. Is there a fit? Well, Croc and Co are local to Dunmow and, er, no not really. I ask you - why not a local garage, or light industrial estate, or a pig farm? I hate sponsorship on cricket whites - it just looks wrong.
It was good to be back and to see everyone. Plus Ca Change (that's French). Steve had his customary 'bad taste joke' in the changing room, the sun shone in late April as it always seems to do, and Dunmow were far, far the superior team. And getting younger it seems.
T'was a suprise to be thrown the new ball in the 2nd over and to, er, bowl spin at my nemis Sniper, who increasingly resembles a fattened Woodcock primed for Michaelmas these days. Harry bowled him out and he fluttered back to the nest. I was rusty (and boy does my shoulder ache) but got into my stride and 5th over in, a flighted delivery, pitched up, 18 inches outside leg stump, Nick Coope left it, it bounched, spat, turned and then kissed the leg bail off. Champagne moment. Done. I know what I'm doing, part 78.
We took 6 wickets (Ali and Harry 2 apiece) and they made 299. We were never gonna get closs, but got to within, I dunno, 120 odd for 6 wickets down? Well played Ali and Stuart and The Dunmow Chairman for his 50 no, who had swapped sides for the day.
Match drawn. We are on our way.
Man of the Match: Harry - 2 wickets, a good catch off Steve's bowling and a load of runs. Well played.
Champers Moment: Ha!
Mug of the Match: No one actually. We all played well - in the field and with the bat. We held our own. Off to Croc & Co everyone for some smart casuals.
Angus is a good skipper. Bit quiet in the field maybe but no bad thing. Most got a bowl or bat (I faced one ball - the last ball of the game - groan). And no, I was never in any danger thank you.
So I drove the 100 odd miles back to the coast re-living my wonder ball. I will be playing against Will Beagle's S.T.A.R.T in a couple of weeks and will be doing teas (with Jo's help). So behave yourselves when I see you.
First game? A Croc and Ball story? Nope, its all true - trust me.
Till next time.
Nipples
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Here Comes the Summer
If this blog entry had been composed 2-3 years ago I'd be sharing with you all about my pre-season fitness training, weight loss and fine-tune coaching lessons at Essex CC and dragging you all out on the two Sundays after Easter to practise. But this season has crept up on me and I find myself selected for Saturday's opener at home (1.30pm start) against Dunmow (groan). How life has changed.
Here is a potted history from J A Priest from the last blog entry till now.
1. Put business on the market (again)
2. Bought a cliff top hideaway in Kent
3. Had my gall bladder removed (keyhole - piece of piss)
4. Became monogamous again
5. Learnt to cook (seriously)
6. Stopped thinking about cricket
I'm adopting a different tack this year. Rather than agonise over technique etc I'm just going to play and enjoy it. You learn to appreciate things when you have had a bit of a break and without the worry of captaincy or finding players etc I can enjoy my status as 'journeyman'. That is the plan. And this will be one of very few outings for the Sat XI (Jo is away this weekend). Most of the time - if Andy picks me - you will find the lesser spotted preacher on a Sunday, probably idling at deep mid wicket waiting for the skipper to give him a couple of overs just to shut hime up.
I am looking forward to it.
I have a plea. My black and green super-sized cricket bag has gone from the home changing room, which is where I left it pre-tour. Please can it be returned. Full amnesty I promise. I have some spare kit at my London flat but it's all over the place and I'd like to play in my first choice trousers.
James or Charlie, may I please have my Newbery back in time for Sat (via Angus if need be). Will be lost without it. Or with it. I trust it has some nice cherries on it now - thanks.
Glad to see Ali is playing this Saturday -assuming he can fly back from Prague in time (ha ha). I shall enjoy our discussions in the field about whether XTC were better after Terry Chambers left or before. And who else? Steve Oakey, Brucie (excellent - slow bowlers union), Client, Angus and maybe Bomber. It shall be like old times. It shall be like when I first played. A mere slip of a 43 year old. I also think Panther might be playing....or not.... all depends oh STOP IT Jon!).
Well done Angus for laying the patio outside the pavilion (finally....) and for clearing the crap around the big oak tree at 'The Preacher End'. Thanks matey.
Looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. Angus, I think I fancy bowling from said end, probably after lunch. Number 8 in the order suits me fine.
With love, friendship and respect.
The boy is back.
Preacher xxx
Here is a potted history from J A Priest from the last blog entry till now.
1. Put business on the market (again)
2. Bought a cliff top hideaway in Kent
3. Had my gall bladder removed (keyhole - piece of piss)
4. Became monogamous again
5. Learnt to cook (seriously)
6. Stopped thinking about cricket
I'm adopting a different tack this year. Rather than agonise over technique etc I'm just going to play and enjoy it. You learn to appreciate things when you have had a bit of a break and without the worry of captaincy or finding players etc I can enjoy my status as 'journeyman'. That is the plan. And this will be one of very few outings for the Sat XI (Jo is away this weekend). Most of the time - if Andy picks me - you will find the lesser spotted preacher on a Sunday, probably idling at deep mid wicket waiting for the skipper to give him a couple of overs just to shut hime up.
I am looking forward to it.
I have a plea. My black and green super-sized cricket bag has gone from the home changing room, which is where I left it pre-tour. Please can it be returned. Full amnesty I promise. I have some spare kit at my London flat but it's all over the place and I'd like to play in my first choice trousers.
James or Charlie, may I please have my Newbery back in time for Sat (via Angus if need be). Will be lost without it. Or with it. I trust it has some nice cherries on it now - thanks.
Glad to see Ali is playing this Saturday -assuming he can fly back from Prague in time (ha ha). I shall enjoy our discussions in the field about whether XTC were better after Terry Chambers left or before. And who else? Steve Oakey, Brucie (excellent - slow bowlers union), Client, Angus and maybe Bomber. It shall be like old times. It shall be like when I first played. A mere slip of a 43 year old. I also think Panther might be playing....or not.... all depends oh STOP IT Jon!).
Well done Angus for laying the patio outside the pavilion (finally....) and for clearing the crap around the big oak tree at 'The Preacher End'. Thanks matey.
Looking forward to seeing you all on Saturday. Angus, I think I fancy bowling from said end, probably after lunch. Number 8 in the order suits me fine.
With love, friendship and respect.
The boy is back.
Preacher xxx
Monday, 20 July 2009
Final Tour of Duty**
* Sexy Seal
**Funky Fish
***Wacky Whale
****Cocky Cod
*****Mental Monkfish
So there we were in the New Madeira Hotel, just up from Brighton Pier staggering out of The Funky Fish, the hotel's in-residence Soul 'n' Motown nightclub, trying to avoid John, the over-zealous lisp-on-speed night porter. All of life's wonders are in Brighton alright. The whole town is an end-of-the pier menagerie, from the gay bondage boutiques to dainty tea shops, nightclubs, bars and pubs. Fewer bars, more car parks I thought as I reved up Marine Parade. Yaxford it aint ("Yaxford!"). I parked in Morrisons car park overnight. I like to live dangerously.
On Friday we went to the pub, then the gastro pub, then more pubs looking like pub-going tourists (and with Chas trying to look over 18):
Barman: "When's your birthday?"
Chas: "Err, 20th August n-i-n-e-t-e-e-e-n-i-n-e-t-y-err
Barman: "No it's not"
That's what happen when you're 6 foot 5 inches with a baby face wearing a bright red cricket top. Not exactly innocuous. An he was too tall for the fun fair rides....
We had an enjoyable evening tying to get Slowman to wear a dog's collar and lead and be walked about as our personal gimp the following evening as a way of forfeiting the tour money he owes. But he said he'd been there and done that alreday. We weren't suprised.
Saturday and after a brief stroll around the pier and wathcing the 2nd Test off we drove to Amberley for a pre-match pub lunch. Cue strangest tour experience award, as a bunch of rugger buggers on a cycling holiday (eh?) one dressed as a white rabbit watched on as one of their horde stood on a chair and gave a full rendition of the William of Orange speech (with a Roman Catholic Primary School across the way). Really quite disorientating. I bet they come from Brighton.
Amberley were okay as a team I suppose. A bit devoid of humour, the outfield was a meadow and the pitch as soggy as the sandwiches we had for tea. I won the toss, inserted and they got 130 odd all out. Highlight was their number 6 bat hitting Jamie for 6 and crashing the ball into a neighbours (newly built) conservatory. Well done The Chair for his hat-trick.
With 4 overs to go I suddenly decided I no longer belonged here. It was raining on and off. It was gusting. I hadn't bowled well. And the constant piss-taking from The Juvenillia was becoming a distraction. When I checked my mobile at tea with news that I had to get back to London it was like divine intervention, it really was. I made my excuses and left. Ali tells me the game was easily won.
Now this is pure guesswork (as I wasn't there on Saturday night) but I bet it when something like this:
Back to the hotel.
Quick change.
Something to eat (a curry?).
Mini-pub crawl (probably re-visiting the Hand in Hand that was frequented on Friday).
Back to The Funky Fish.
Then late drinking in the hotel bar in to the early hours with Ali going AWOL and Johnny Slowman receiving with great pride the baton as tourist most able to provide the comic relief. And some fake tattoos perhaps.
And on-one got laid.
I hear we won the Sunday match with ease, so jolly well done one and all.
And with the tour hardly at and end already it has been decided that Eastbourne is the destination for next year. Excellent. I shall save this blog and re-post in 12 months time. All the events will probably be exactly the same.
So, it's the Ex-Captain's Blog from now on, having resigned the captaincy (and my Secretarial duties) to The Chairman today. You can't skipper on an occasional basis, with low credibility and (apparently) even lower ability. I know such things to be true. But I shall be available for the odd game in a Panther-esq kinda way. You know, if your short, just give me a call, if your short....
Over and out.
Nipples
**Funky Fish
***Wacky Whale
****Cocky Cod
*****Mental Monkfish
So there we were in the New Madeira Hotel, just up from Brighton Pier staggering out of The Funky Fish, the hotel's in-residence Soul 'n' Motown nightclub, trying to avoid John, the over-zealous lisp-on-speed night porter. All of life's wonders are in Brighton alright. The whole town is an end-of-the pier menagerie, from the gay bondage boutiques to dainty tea shops, nightclubs, bars and pubs. Fewer bars, more car parks I thought as I reved up Marine Parade. Yaxford it aint ("Yaxford!"). I parked in Morrisons car park overnight. I like to live dangerously.
On Friday we went to the pub, then the gastro pub, then more pubs looking like pub-going tourists (and with Chas trying to look over 18):
Barman: "When's your birthday?"
Chas: "Err, 20th August n-i-n-e-t-e-e-e-n-i-n-e-t-y-err
Barman: "No it's not"
That's what happen when you're 6 foot 5 inches with a baby face wearing a bright red cricket top. Not exactly innocuous. An he was too tall for the fun fair rides....
We had an enjoyable evening tying to get Slowman to wear a dog's collar and lead and be walked about as our personal gimp the following evening as a way of forfeiting the tour money he owes. But he said he'd been there and done that alreday. We weren't suprised.
Saturday and after a brief stroll around the pier and wathcing the 2nd Test off we drove to Amberley for a pre-match pub lunch. Cue strangest tour experience award, as a bunch of rugger buggers on a cycling holiday (eh?) one dressed as a white rabbit watched on as one of their horde stood on a chair and gave a full rendition of the William of Orange speech (with a Roman Catholic Primary School across the way). Really quite disorientating. I bet they come from Brighton.
Amberley were okay as a team I suppose. A bit devoid of humour, the outfield was a meadow and the pitch as soggy as the sandwiches we had for tea. I won the toss, inserted and they got 130 odd all out. Highlight was their number 6 bat hitting Jamie for 6 and crashing the ball into a neighbours (newly built) conservatory. Well done The Chair for his hat-trick.
With 4 overs to go I suddenly decided I no longer belonged here. It was raining on and off. It was gusting. I hadn't bowled well. And the constant piss-taking from The Juvenillia was becoming a distraction. When I checked my mobile at tea with news that I had to get back to London it was like divine intervention, it really was. I made my excuses and left. Ali tells me the game was easily won.
Now this is pure guesswork (as I wasn't there on Saturday night) but I bet it when something like this:
Back to the hotel.
Quick change.
Something to eat (a curry?).
Mini-pub crawl (probably re-visiting the Hand in Hand that was frequented on Friday).
Back to The Funky Fish.
Then late drinking in the hotel bar in to the early hours with Ali going AWOL and Johnny Slowman receiving with great pride the baton as tourist most able to provide the comic relief. And some fake tattoos perhaps.
And on-one got laid.
I hear we won the Sunday match with ease, so jolly well done one and all.
And with the tour hardly at and end already it has been decided that Eastbourne is the destination for next year. Excellent. I shall save this blog and re-post in 12 months time. All the events will probably be exactly the same.
So, it's the Ex-Captain's Blog from now on, having resigned the captaincy (and my Secretarial duties) to The Chairman today. You can't skipper on an occasional basis, with low credibility and (apparently) even lower ability. I know such things to be true. But I shall be available for the odd game in a Panther-esq kinda way. You know, if your short, just give me a call, if your short....
Over and out.
Nipples
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Alex's All Stars (Home) won by 2 wickets*****
* Pittmans Secretarial College
** Middlesex poly (as was)
*** Leeds uni
**** Durham uni
***** LSE
Another day, another trade press interview. Broadcast Magazine (who?) did a profile piece thingy on mentors and wanted to know who mine was. John Clemens, my old boss back in the day was the lucky winner. Twas John who coined the phrase "Experience and cunning will always beat youth and enthusiasm". And he's right. Just ask Alex, Verity's other half and the captain of our opponents on Saturday.
So they were hung-over. Boo-hoo. And in the middle of A Levels. Boo-hoo again. They had 4/5 top drawer club players plus one or two who had never played before (bit like us then). But they batted first. And lost. All out for 170 in 27 overs with their last 7 wickets falling in a 7 over spell starting just before drinks. Canfield got the runs with 9 over sand 2 wickets in hand.
So how did we do this? (Andy Silkstone are you reading this?). Well I shall tell you. WE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Of their 9 wickets to fall (they only had 10 players, as did we) 6 went to the slow bowling brigade of moi, Harry and JW (sorry JW but your pace aint what it was). And Charles got 2 WHEN HE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Bang it in quick and short to orthodox club players and see what happens. And Mitch and Steve bowled well as a matter of fact but still inevitably leaked runs to an experienced attack. But a slow ball, on a length, wicket-to-wicket? Ahem. I know what I'm doing, part 76...
And we batted well. Steve got 46 and played patiently hitting the bad ball, leaving the good ball. So did Trevor. And Angus can always smack a wayward bowler at 2nd change which is why he now comes in at 4 or 5 in the order. Chas chipped in with 20-odd following his 75 no on Friday in the 20 Twenty game against Dunmow. It wsa left to POB and Harry to see us home, Patrick staring on his 64th birthday and Harry smacking the winning boundary. Alex came off genuinely puzzled. Boy, you lot have missed me.
And I had an okay game. Two wickets (including getting Toby, Verity's ex - why does she always date cricketers? - for a golden) and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd time this season. Everyone said they were pleased to see me back. Sort of. A bit of fun in the field, some banter and encouragement goes a long way and EVERYONE got a game.
MoM: JW - ever willing, opened the bowling, 2 wickets to get rid of their openers - well done
Champagne moment - POB batting away on his 64th birthday
Well done Verity for the tea (even if it was a bit of a rush when we all came in ahead of schedule) and well done Alex's team mates who were great sports, great fun, mature and immensely likeable... for teenagers anyway. Let's make it a regular fixture. Some of them even put their names down for cricket week - good all round.
I have missed playing on Saturdays. It was a good laugh. An so much more fun than being stranded on the cover boundary watching a 267 run lead disappear in 30-odd overs wondering why no-one is, you guessed it, taking the pace off the ball.
See you on tour.
Easy now...
Nipples
** Middlesex poly (as was)
*** Leeds uni
**** Durham uni
***** LSE
Another day, another trade press interview. Broadcast Magazine (who?) did a profile piece thingy on mentors and wanted to know who mine was. John Clemens, my old boss back in the day was the lucky winner. Twas John who coined the phrase "Experience and cunning will always beat youth and enthusiasm". And he's right. Just ask Alex, Verity's other half and the captain of our opponents on Saturday.
So they were hung-over. Boo-hoo. And in the middle of A Levels. Boo-hoo again. They had 4/5 top drawer club players plus one or two who had never played before (bit like us then). But they batted first. And lost. All out for 170 in 27 overs with their last 7 wickets falling in a 7 over spell starting just before drinks. Canfield got the runs with 9 over sand 2 wickets in hand.
So how did we do this? (Andy Silkstone are you reading this?). Well I shall tell you. WE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Of their 9 wickets to fall (they only had 10 players, as did we) 6 went to the slow bowling brigade of moi, Harry and JW (sorry JW but your pace aint what it was). And Charles got 2 WHEN HE TOOK THE PACE OFF THE BALL. Bang it in quick and short to orthodox club players and see what happens. And Mitch and Steve bowled well as a matter of fact but still inevitably leaked runs to an experienced attack. But a slow ball, on a length, wicket-to-wicket? Ahem. I know what I'm doing, part 76...
And we batted well. Steve got 46 and played patiently hitting the bad ball, leaving the good ball. So did Trevor. And Angus can always smack a wayward bowler at 2nd change which is why he now comes in at 4 or 5 in the order. Chas chipped in with 20-odd following his 75 no on Friday in the 20 Twenty game against Dunmow. It wsa left to POB and Harry to see us home, Patrick staring on his 64th birthday and Harry smacking the winning boundary. Alex came off genuinely puzzled. Boy, you lot have missed me.
And I had an okay game. Two wickets (including getting Toby, Verity's ex - why does she always date cricketers? - for a golden) and being on a hat-trick for the 2nd time this season. Everyone said they were pleased to see me back. Sort of. A bit of fun in the field, some banter and encouragement goes a long way and EVERYONE got a game.
MoM: JW - ever willing, opened the bowling, 2 wickets to get rid of their openers - well done
Champagne moment - POB batting away on his 64th birthday
Well done Verity for the tea (even if it was a bit of a rush when we all came in ahead of schedule) and well done Alex's team mates who were great sports, great fun, mature and immensely likeable... for teenagers anyway. Let's make it a regular fixture. Some of them even put their names down for cricket week - good all round.
I have missed playing on Saturdays. It was a good laugh. An so much more fun than being stranded on the cover boundary watching a 267 run lead disappear in 30-odd overs wondering why no-one is, you guessed it, taking the pace off the ball.
See you on tour.
Easy now...
Nipples
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Sunday Bloody (Cold) Sunday
Great Chesterford (home) lost**
* -273 Kelvin
** 9 below zero
*** Freezing
**** Bit nippy
*****Here comes the sun
It was that cold. Alternating between third man and mid on, freezing my nuts off, is no fun at all. Things had better start improving if I'm going to continue to make cameo performances for the Sun XI that's all I can say. Nine men (two cried off - and no Panther was not one of them) versus nine didn't exactly help matters, nor the fact this was an 'away' game but played at home, which meant Gt Chesterford bought the teas with them and it was a win/lose format. Most disorientating all round.
It's an interesting experience being skippered rather than being at the helm myself. Time definitely went more slowly in the field and I saw lots of things I'd personally have tweaked but Andy is Captain and anyway, he wouldn't have been able to hear me from third man, not in that gale. I felt like JW must feel most Saturdays....
We fielded. They made 225 or thereabouts for the loss of 6 wickets. Well played The Chair for his 3-for (ideal bowling conditions for him), Clint for his 2 wickets with me getting the dangerous Waz out for a duck thanks to Jamie's catch at moo corner. But their opener got a century although I could have snared him twice in my first over. I bowled okay (bit expensive in my final over) but at least I was feeling a bit warmer moving about a bit (which was more than the ball was doing).
Their opening bowlers pinned us back after tea and we were behind the rate when the wickets inevitably began to fall. It was only when I'd been in for a few overs that Stuart told me it was a win/lose game and to get a move on. Cue swing across the line to their off spinner. Cue early departure. I'd have fancied batting out for a draw as well.
So we lost by 60 odd runs but it was closer than it looks if we take their opener out of the equation. You know me - ever the optimist.
Man of the Match: Jamie - for holding 4 catches
Mug of the Match: Dave, their miserable off spinner who only smiled once the whole game (first time in 5 years I think) and then gave his wicket away. Ha-ha
Champagne moment: Any one of Jamie's catches - the one handed slip catch was my personal fav
And that was that. Andy - sorry I dashed off but had to do the kids tea. I owe you £6 match fee.
Dunno what it is about Sunday games tho - no disrespect to any of my team mates but the games do seem a bit, well 'flat' I suppose. A real gloomy Sunday feel sometimes. Every Day is Like Sunday so Morriesy reckoned. He might have been on to something. We need more banter, more fun and a few ex-players back. And warmer weather.
I'm off on a mini-break canal boating this weekend. And yes, the weather forecast is for it to be well below the seasonal av. temperature. I will think of ways to keep warm somehow...
See you in a fortnight.
Nipples
* -273 Kelvin
** 9 below zero
*** Freezing
**** Bit nippy
*****Here comes the sun
It was that cold. Alternating between third man and mid on, freezing my nuts off, is no fun at all. Things had better start improving if I'm going to continue to make cameo performances for the Sun XI that's all I can say. Nine men (two cried off - and no Panther was not one of them) versus nine didn't exactly help matters, nor the fact this was an 'away' game but played at home, which meant Gt Chesterford bought the teas with them and it was a win/lose format. Most disorientating all round.
It's an interesting experience being skippered rather than being at the helm myself. Time definitely went more slowly in the field and I saw lots of things I'd personally have tweaked but Andy is Captain and anyway, he wouldn't have been able to hear me from third man, not in that gale. I felt like JW must feel most Saturdays....
We fielded. They made 225 or thereabouts for the loss of 6 wickets. Well played The Chair for his 3-for (ideal bowling conditions for him), Clint for his 2 wickets with me getting the dangerous Waz out for a duck thanks to Jamie's catch at moo corner. But their opener got a century although I could have snared him twice in my first over. I bowled okay (bit expensive in my final over) but at least I was feeling a bit warmer moving about a bit (which was more than the ball was doing).
Their opening bowlers pinned us back after tea and we were behind the rate when the wickets inevitably began to fall. It was only when I'd been in for a few overs that Stuart told me it was a win/lose game and to get a move on. Cue swing across the line to their off spinner. Cue early departure. I'd have fancied batting out for a draw as well.
So we lost by 60 odd runs but it was closer than it looks if we take their opener out of the equation. You know me - ever the optimist.
Man of the Match: Jamie - for holding 4 catches
Mug of the Match: Dave, their miserable off spinner who only smiled once the whole game (first time in 5 years I think) and then gave his wicket away. Ha-ha
Champagne moment: Any one of Jamie's catches - the one handed slip catch was my personal fav
And that was that. Andy - sorry I dashed off but had to do the kids tea. I owe you £6 match fee.
Dunno what it is about Sunday games tho - no disrespect to any of my team mates but the games do seem a bit, well 'flat' I suppose. A real gloomy Sunday feel sometimes. Every Day is Like Sunday so Morriesy reckoned. He might have been on to something. We need more banter, more fun and a few ex-players back. And warmer weather.
I'm off on a mini-break canal boating this weekend. And yes, the weather forecast is for it to be well below the seasonal av. temperature. I will think of ways to keep warm somehow...
See you in a fortnight.
Nipples
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
S.T.A.R.T (home) - Match Won*****
* Ineistas' 94th min strike
** Drogba TV sweary rant
*** Ballacks to the lot of you
**** Essien wonder goal
***** 4-1 at the Arsenal helps ease the pain
"Drop back for this bat" isn't something I ever thought I'd hear whilst yours truly was at the crease but it happened on Saturday after I'd hit Will Beagles, S.T.A.R.T.s skipper, for a huge six over long on and having crushed an off drive for 4 from the previous ball. Easy game batting when you get the hang of it. And there's another 3 runs glanced down to fine leg... 20-odd runs from 13 balls going in to bat with 3 and a bit overs to go? Most reasonable...
Twa's sunny and calm on Saturday as we welcomed the remants of Stapleford Tawney And Red Triangle (work out the acronym for yourselves) to The Park, skippered as ever by the genial Will Beagles. I won the toss and handed back the decision to bat or bowl to Will. Such a sporting chap am I. But Will is equally sporting and insisted we bat first on a good wicket. So we did. And made 242 in 40 overs and EVERYONE got runs; Gaz (who hasn't played for Canfield for 10 years and was visiting from France) guested and got 43 as an opener, ably assited by Ali with 32. Gus went in at 3 and got 43. Then Lee, one of three youngsters playing, got into double fugures, followed by Harry and Patrick all making a solid contribution. It was nice to see. Their opener was a bit lively but after that, we got quick runs and, at 6 an over, batting 2nd was always going to be tough.
Post tea JW and Paul opened the bowling and did very well with Paul clean bowling one of the openers (bowling from the right end Angus - take heed) and then JW getting the mightily dangerous Del out for a duck, caught at point by Harry. Then on came the Skipper with a first ball wicket (sorry Tim for playing on - but he did get me out last year with a ball that bounced about 4 times I seem to recall), then a 2nd ball wicket with Will skying one to Ali at mid off who took a ballet-like one handed catch. Both their main batters out for ducks. And the skipper's on a hat-trick, which he then fluffed by bowling a horrendous wide. Finished with 4-25 though, and with young Alfie bowling very well for his 3 wickets, we skittled them out for 90-odd. Sounds an easy win, but if Del and Will had got in, it would have been a diferent story.
And well done young Willie Beagles for making his debut, playing with a stright bat, and surviving 20 balls more than his Dad. Well played youngster.
Man of the Match: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER elected myself for this? But I did get some runs, and a six, and changed the bowling at a crucial time, and got a 4-fer, and was on a hat-trick and and (oh alright then Nipples - just don't go on about it).
Champagne Moment: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER.... that 6 was worth it. Or for bowling Will for a golden duck! Take your pic chaps.
Mug of the Match: Panther - that's you mate and don't get cross. Playing for S.T.A.R.T he dropped Angus, missed running out Ali and was bowled by Alfie (aged 7). And there we were thinking he wasn't going to play again this season. Unless we're short. Just call me okay. If you're short....
Thanks to The Lucas Clan for, as ever, a great tea (but lose a point for no scones). Just sayin.
Right, I'm back in a month or so for the Sat XI but will be turning out for Andy Silksone's Sun XI in between. From what I hear he needs a bowling all rounder. God I am so heading for a fall.
With the disappointment of Chelsea failing to progress to Rome in the Champions League final, I shall bask in the quiet knowledge that actually, sort of, I played, err, okay really. And enjoyed it. Well done to one and all. See you in June. Unless you are playing on Sunday when I shall see you next week.
** Drogba TV sweary rant
*** Ballacks to the lot of you
**** Essien wonder goal
***** 4-1 at the Arsenal helps ease the pain
"Drop back for this bat" isn't something I ever thought I'd hear whilst yours truly was at the crease but it happened on Saturday after I'd hit Will Beagles, S.T.A.R.T.s skipper, for a huge six over long on and having crushed an off drive for 4 from the previous ball. Easy game batting when you get the hang of it. And there's another 3 runs glanced down to fine leg... 20-odd runs from 13 balls going in to bat with 3 and a bit overs to go? Most reasonable...
Twa's sunny and calm on Saturday as we welcomed the remants of Stapleford Tawney And Red Triangle (work out the acronym for yourselves) to The Park, skippered as ever by the genial Will Beagles. I won the toss and handed back the decision to bat or bowl to Will. Such a sporting chap am I. But Will is equally sporting and insisted we bat first on a good wicket. So we did. And made 242 in 40 overs and EVERYONE got runs; Gaz (who hasn't played for Canfield for 10 years and was visiting from France) guested and got 43 as an opener, ably assited by Ali with 32. Gus went in at 3 and got 43. Then Lee, one of three youngsters playing, got into double fugures, followed by Harry and Patrick all making a solid contribution. It was nice to see. Their opener was a bit lively but after that, we got quick runs and, at 6 an over, batting 2nd was always going to be tough.
Post tea JW and Paul opened the bowling and did very well with Paul clean bowling one of the openers (bowling from the right end Angus - take heed) and then JW getting the mightily dangerous Del out for a duck, caught at point by Harry. Then on came the Skipper with a first ball wicket (sorry Tim for playing on - but he did get me out last year with a ball that bounced about 4 times I seem to recall), then a 2nd ball wicket with Will skying one to Ali at mid off who took a ballet-like one handed catch. Both their main batters out for ducks. And the skipper's on a hat-trick, which he then fluffed by bowling a horrendous wide. Finished with 4-25 though, and with young Alfie bowling very well for his 3 wickets, we skittled them out for 90-odd. Sounds an easy win, but if Del and Will had got in, it would have been a diferent story.
And well done young Willie Beagles for making his debut, playing with a stright bat, and surviving 20 balls more than his Dad. Well played youngster.
Man of the Match: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER elected myself for this? But I did get some runs, and a six, and changed the bowling at a crucial time, and got a 4-fer, and was on a hat-trick and and (oh alright then Nipples - just don't go on about it).
Champagne Moment: Now come on be fair, when have I EVER.... that 6 was worth it. Or for bowling Will for a golden duck! Take your pic chaps.
Mug of the Match: Panther - that's you mate and don't get cross. Playing for S.T.A.R.T he dropped Angus, missed running out Ali and was bowled by Alfie (aged 7). And there we were thinking he wasn't going to play again this season. Unless we're short. Just call me okay. If you're short....
Thanks to The Lucas Clan for, as ever, a great tea (but lose a point for no scones). Just sayin.
Right, I'm back in a month or so for the Sat XI but will be turning out for Andy Silksone's Sun XI in between. From what I hear he needs a bowling all rounder. God I am so heading for a fall.
With the disappointment of Chelsea failing to progress to Rome in the Champions League final, I shall bask in the quiet knowledge that actually, sort of, I played, err, okay really. And enjoyed it. Well done to one and all. See you in June. Unless you are playing on Sunday when I shall see you next week.
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